Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Unmarried and pregnant….to a married man. . help!

Pregnant woman depressed

Assalamu alaikum,

Bit of a long story, just over 2 years ago I met a man online, He had just come to Australia recently and we got chatting for 1 month on phone calls and texts, when he asked to meet with me one day and i did. On this meeting he told me he was married and had 4 children, but that he didnt have a good relationship with his wife and he was looking for a second wife. I was shocked and sad, but i had loved him so much already i carried on our relationship, we had many more meetings which included me staying some nights at his house and engaging in haram acts even as bad as zina, the entire time he was assuring me we would do nikkah but he had to slowly tell his wife because she is still in her country, now its 2 years later we still have not had a nikkah and i am currently 10 weeks pregnant, and still his wife does not know.
I am a revert to Islam and i am not well informed, Islam is very important to me though and i feel very scared and guilty from my actions. I have had many conversations with him about this and he says he is arranging now for us to have a nikkah in secret without his wife or any family member knowing about it. I do not feel the same way about him as i did, i was hoping when i met him as i was just a very new revert at the time he would bring me closer to Allah and help me with my Islam, but because of both of our actions i am feeling very weak and sad and feel i have ruined everything. And to make more difficult i found out about my pregnancy when I was at hospital for him attacking me violently and causing me serious head injuries.
My question is what should i do?, What is best for the baby? Should we have a nikkah in secret? Is there any way to make this relationship halal? Should i even think of nikkah after he attacked me in such a way? Is it so bad i cant be forgiven even if i am so very sincerely repenting if i dont have a nikkah and raise the child alone? We have argued alot since i found out about the pregnancy and i asked him if i can just raise the baby alone he said if i will not stay with him as his wife then he said i need to have a nikkah and then we can go for a divorce. Im so confused! Help!

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6 Responses »

  1. Very sad the way you have explained everything. It's also difficult to give advice... Remind him (kindly) that your right is that he provide for you according to how he eats and clothing in a reasonable manner and remind him of Allah for unfair treatment towards you and explain to him kindly that you are very scared and remind him that you are a trust from God in his hands and if he hits you to the point of leaving marks then that is forbidden, also hitting to the head is definitely forbidden. Our prophet Mohammed never hit any of his wives ever all his life and it's only a weakness to do so. My advice to you is that although the situation is not great have patience and hope that it will improve, perhaps you married him to get closer to Allah and learn Islam but perhaps you are the one who need to teach your husband Islam in a very kind and gentle way. Men are not able to taken advice from their wives easily so make sure you think carefully how to do it. You however do have the right to refuse sex or other things a normal husband wife does until he does nikah with you otherwise you are both still sinning and it is major haram, he should now dedicate himself and do open nikah for second wife or leave you alone completely and send you money for the child every month and you raise it by yourself.

    On a spiritual side of everything Sister if you want your situation to get better and Allah to help you then turn to Allah sincerely and repent. Keep repenting and asking for forgiveness in the nights and praying extra and begging for his help. How will Allah turn you away? Your situation will definitely improve when you trust in Allah. You don't need anything just go on your knees and hold your hands up and cry to Allah every day to help you and Allah is shy not to answer prayers. Keep your life halal your food halal your speech halal everything halal so Allah will help. You.

    • Salam sister,

      Firstly well done for reverting to Islam. This guy has clearly been taking advantage of you and the situation of his wife and family being in another country. He seems to have lied to you for 2 years, stringing you along. In Islam, a man cannot marry a second wife without the consent/knowledge of his first wife. He clearly wants to keep you a secret and lead a double life. That is not right!
      Secondly, you mentioned that he hit you and you ended up in hospital with serious head injury. Again, this is a red flag! This should give you a insight to your future life with him. Even if he apologises, repent or regret his act. He crossed the line there and will 100% do it again. Think of your unborn baby and how he can possibly harm him in the future.
      Thirdly, if you want to bring up the baby alone, that is your right and please don’t listen to his lie that you need to do nikkah and divorce. There no such rules.
      Please get away as far as you can from this guy!!!
      Repent to Allah and keep yourself and your unborn child safe!


  2. Bismillah
    please go to a local majid and seek guidence from aomebody that studies islam

  3. I don't understand how you can be a convert when you say you're not well-informed about Islam. If you don't know what Islam is about, why did you become a Muslim?

    Also, please don't make it your role or duty to make "unhappy" married men happy. You have no right getting involved with people that are already spoken for. So a dimwit tells you he's not happy in his marriage...why is that your problem? You should have told him he should tell that to his wife, not to you. It's not your responsibility to look after other women's husbands. For God's sake...

    Anyway, I guess that's not the issue. The issue is you having an affair with a married man and a father of four, and the fact that you are now pregnant by him. Let me be brutally honest with you:

    This man is not serious about you, or about anyone else but himself. He had his fun with you, and is now humouring you with the idea of having a "secret marriage" - because he knows you are stupid enough to actually consider it. What even is that? A "secret marriage"? How exactly does it work? How do you hide a marriage from people? From the government? What a ridiculous concept to even talk about, let alone take seriously. What are you two, 6 years old? Please stop this nonsense idea of having a "secret marriage". It's beyond idiotic, and it's both legally and Islamically an illegitimate phenomenon.

    You can't become his second wife anyway - even if he was serious about marrying you - because polygamy is illegal in Australia. As long as you choose to live in Australia, or any other country that prohibits polygamy, you cannot marry an already married man. Sorry to burst your bubble.

    My suggestion to you is to acknowledge that you made a huge mistake in getting involved with a married man, and to forget all about having a future with him. You're going to have a child together, and that's as far as your relationship should go from now on: co-parenting your child. Make sure this man pays child support and takes responsibility. Get the Australian state involved, if you have to. Your main focus now is your child's well-being, and not this joker of a man's. Whatever consequences his actions have on his marriage to his's not really your problem. You take responsibility for your part, and he needs to take responsibility for his.

    • Dear sister Lindita and the sister who wrote the story,

      Lindita, you wrote; 'I don’t understand how you can be a convert when you say you’re not well-informed about Islam. If you don’t know what Islam is about, why did you become a Muslim?'...

      If someone believes in Allah and his messenger, why can't you be a Muslim? You don't have to know everything before you can be a Muslim. Of course it's better to know a lot about Islam but do we know all?

      And here's some advice for the sister who is in a very difficult situation...

      For one: he hits you! You let a man hit you who is not even married to you and who has no rights over you.

      You sound like a very insecure woman because you let a man like him ruin your life. Stand up, live healthy and learn about Islam so that you can be a great example for your son or daughter.

      Think about this: if you give birth to a daughter, what would you say to her if a man treats her the way like your boyfriend treats you. And yes, he is your boyfriend and not your husband. And I guess you know that Islam doesn't allow boyfriend-girlfriend relationships.

      I am concerned about your wellbeing and I am worried about the state of mind you're in.
      Please contact some sisters in Australia to advise you.
      Don't hesitate, because sisters in Islam help each other.

      Stop this unhealthy relationship and be a strong woman. And think about his wife, how should she feel about all of this? He says he is unhappy in his marriage, but is that her fault or is it his?
      Don't believe the crap he is telling you. He had lied to you several times and he is aggressive.

      Red flags all over!

      May Allah bless your child with a sensible and caring mother and may Allah show us the right path, ameen.

  4. The father of your unborn child has been using you. You are naieve and unaware of certain Islamic concepts and he used this in his favor. Since you are not married to him, so he has no rights over you. End the relationship and if you decide to have your baby file for child support and medical bills so that he can fulfill his duty to you as the mother of his child. Allah accepts our repentance. Make taubah and ask Allah to forgive you for being involved with this man. You should have known better in the first place that unmarried women don't sleep with men you are not married to, especially married men. The fact that the man has physically beat you to the point where you had to be treated by a medical professional is indicative of what you can expect in the future. He is a manipulator, a liar and a cheat. Find someone else with more character.

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