Unmarried mother entering into a Muslim family.
Hi all,
I would like to share a shortened version of my life with you and then ask you for your wisdom.
I have lived a slightly sad life with many challenges and I have always believed that my courage and strength is all that has got me through. Throughout my life I have suffered abuse, neglect, misunderstanding and lack of faith. I have grown up fighting for what, in my heart, I know is right. I have not let evil beat me and now, at aged 35, I feel I have a chance of sharing my love and light to more people than just those closest to me.
3 weeks ago, I met a wonderful man. It was an instant connection. Nothing like we get told in movies and stories but a real connection.
We both feel as though the other is a gift from God/Allah.
We know we will get married. We will work hard to live within a life of love and mutual respect. In our hearts and minds, we are already married but know, of course, that we must be patient with everyone else in our lives to catch up with us.
His family are Muslims living in England. He was bought up here and is not a fully practising Muslim. In fact, he rejects alot of the doctrine. I, on the other hand, grew up in Hong Kong (but I am white English) and I was bought up with no religion other than what we were exposed to by visiting religious sites.
To cut this very long story short, I will now seek your wisdom.
I am an unmarried mother of a boy of 14. His father died when my son was 1 year old. I have worked hard to bring my son up correctly despite having little training in parenting. I have worked so hard I had a breakdown due to exhaustion and have been recovering ever since. I still continue to work hard at being a good parent.
My partner and I see no problems in getting married other than the fact I am an unmarried mother. My partner wishes to adopt my son when we get married and I will happily, willingly and totally embrace Islam as my guide to be with him. I am reading these books;
Islam-Beliefs and Teachings by Ghulam Sarwar (The Muslim Educational Trust)
A Gift for Women- Mufti Mohammad Aashiq Elahi Buland Sheri (The sayings of the Prophet for women of Islam)
I am researching as much as I can as I know that it is predestined for Na ( I have shortened his name for privacy) and I to be together and I wish to make this situation as easy as possible for our families. Na and I are in accord and understand each others hearts.
I will urge you to not get hung up on the short amount of time we have known each other. We have mutual friends and trust each other. We have both lived fairly intense lives and, as I said before, life has thrown many challenges at me. I have learned from them and this is how I know my future lies with Na.
I would like to know what you think of this situation and if there is anyway I can help put his family at ease about my being an unmarried mother?
Love and Light to all x Peace be with you x
Loveandlight.
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Asalamoalaikum dear sister,
I hope you are well. Since you asked us for our opinions I will give you mine (which may be entirely different from others). After reading this post I seem to be getting this vibe that something is not okay here. The thing that clicked to me was that your potential “spouse” is not a practicing Muslim and rejects many doctrines of Islam. Don’t get me wrong please, I am also a Muslim who is struggling every day with my deen as I know I still have a lot of room for improvement but I agree with the fundamentals of Islam because what Allah swt knows I do not. Therefore, the fundamentals he put forth for us will always be for our good (i.e.: covering oneself and lowering our gazes, or alcohol and drugs are haram, etc).
I am not saying this man is bad or not a good Muslim but having complete faith in Allah swt’s Quran, Sunah and the Prophet PBUH’s teachings & doctrines is very important. I hope you understand this dear sister. I am very happy that you are interested to convert to Islam but please do so for the right reasons (i.e.: not because you love him but because you believe Islam is a true religion and most importantly is a way of life for humanity).
The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
"A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper". These are qualities that one should look for in a potential spouse in regards to our Prophet’s PBUH teachings. So although my dear sister you may feel that he is a perfect fit for you make sure though that he is committed to his religion and follows it to the best of his abilities. That way he will be able to further assist you with Islam and your offspring inshAllah will also be correctly guided which is integral in today’s society which is filled with fitnah (corruption).
So my dear sister which I suggest to you is that you take your time and don’t look at everything through rose tinted windows. Give yourself more time and look into his life style, see it for yourself. Is this something that you can adjust with, is he disregarding major fundamentals of Islam that may cause conflicts between you both in the future? Will it have an affect on your children in any way, etc?
If after analyzing the whole situation you still feel that he will be able to further assist you in becoming a better Muslim and also himself, then I guess there is no harm in marrying this person. But please do look into the religion aspect here and ask him from time to time what his views are regarding Islam. You want to make sure that the person you marry is someone who you can call your “better half” and who brings out the best in you inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
Dear Sister
You being a unmarried mother should not be a problem anymore as that is your past. Your situation can be simplified quiet easily, if you simply sit down with his family and tell them about yourself. Be honest with them, about your feelings and express your sincerity about converting. And that is they key here sister, I agree with Helpingsister in that you must be 100% sure that you wish to convert, I'm pleased you have already started studying the religion, I pray and hope it will enlighten you.
I also know that many non-practising Muslims return to Islam when thier converted spouse helps them along, so in a way your conversion may insh-allah guide him back to this beautiful way of Islam.
Also I don't think you have any need to rush with anything. Both your marriage and conversion will be life long commitments, so I think haste is not necessary. You can learn about Islam and your husband-to-be's life at the same time and in the process streghten yourself as a person.
I hope and pray Allah makes it easy for you.
As salamu alaykum, Sister LoveandLight,
Thank you for sharing. I will tell you my personal opinion seeing it from outside, I agree with Helping Sister and Hafsa, please don´t rush, you know what happens when a Light comes directly to your eyes, that you are blind for a second, it seems to me that the impact you had when you met Na, was something like this. Once you get used to this light, your eyes will be able to see the little details that maybe now you are not able to appreciate. I understand this firts gut feeling and that you are both for each other, insha´Allah, but be cautious about their beliefs, they worry about you being an unmarried mother, ask your partner why? and which is the solution to it? He knows his family and I am sure he knows how to approach them to find a solution, insha´Allah..
Your life and all the struggles that you have gone through have made of you a woman with a soft Heart, ready to share, but please take your time to think seriously about what Helping Sister has said, definetely, once you are prepared and know what is important, at least, the basic Islamic principles, you can have a conversation with him, to know what he rejects exactly, this will be very important, because you will see if you are able to connect the differences or not.
Please, be cautious. You should know which is the weight of his family on his life, and what is what they want for him, because one excuse can lead to other one, try to see what is behind their excuse and being his family, as I told you before, he should know, then go, step by step, to be sure you are walking on strong, firm soil, insha´Allah.
Keep shining and striving, sweet LoveandLight.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salamu alleykum sister
Sister you made me feel like crying,sometimes one wonders why people do what they do?i think is a question of,interest,desire,change,circumstance,or because of Allah wants itto happen like that.
Sister thanks for sharing your problem with us that is why Allah said muslims are like one body,i.e if one parts pains the world body isn't at rest.
sister this life is a journey,everybody must ask themselves where is the end of this journey,and its end is the day of judgement.And.the right path to this destination is only by practicing islam,if one finds this path then he attianed the complete success of this world.
but then Allah Has shown some people some light that directs them to this path"born in islam" and others complete darkness at the beggining but shows them this light as they live life,that is when Allah say "we shall show them our signs..............................untill its clear to the that this is the true religion",
sister Allah Has finaly shown you the light,which you should embress,its a goal that you have to persisty in asperity of life,knowing your creator is the most important to you first,that is question of priority
after this here comes about Na
now that you became a muslim,you need a life partner.this life partner should fulfil certain 2 conditions
1.your prefrerences
2.your principles
in chosing the partner one can play around with prefrences but not principles.in principles you will be guide by the hadiths(sayings/narrations)from our beloved prophet (saw) ,the right hasband of a muslimaa(a muslim lady).one of it being a practicing muslim man
sister if he doesn't practice islam then he can't understand your rights which islam has given you,he can easily abuse you,which islam is against.in your case any further abuse would crush your spirit,you need someone you can handle you with care,teach you the religion,and play his role as a husband you need a complete attention.sister Allah who has guided from darkness Who heared your cry won't let you abused if you only ask for His mercy to give you a man worth you.all you need to do after becoming a muslim is to be patience and make prayers.i swear ALLAH will give you happiness you never heared of or thought of.
my advice is do not rush to get any relationship with Na before you stabilised your heart,just decide once,become A MUSLIM sister do not hesitate satan is there to tell you no.Give yourself just a month to practice your religion you will see the diffrence.DON'T fera sister you matters are decided from a bove,you in a safe Hands,just be a muslimaa,and you will see. ALLAH SAID IN THE QURA'AN "MAN AMILA AMALAN SALIHAN MINTHAKARIN WA UNTHAA WAHUWA MUMINUN FALANUHYIYANAHU HAYATAN DAYIB....................."which means "who ever does a good deed and........................ and becomes a true believer we shall give him the best life in this world........".ALLAH doesn't failed to fulfill his promises.Sister my Allah guide me and you,and forgive us.and give us true happiness on this earth and hereafter.amin amin
if have any error in my writting may Allah forgive its from me and satan,any all good part of it is from ALLAH.
ASSALAM WA LAIKUM
my sister , i m trying 2 understand ur problem , my point of view is , have a conversation wth ur family , with love ,respect , make them understand ur problem honestly n ALLAH will surely help u , n my sister don't say that u r converting towards islam say that ''u r returning back towards ISLAM'' b'cz we all r born as a muslim n islam is a true religion n there is no other religion , b a changed person , respect every 1 even ur enemy b'cz ISLAM teaches us peace , love n respect. Peacefully make them understand , before making them understand plz pray SALAH(NAMAZ) n remember ALLAH is wth u......I WILL SURELY PRAY 4 U MAY ALLAH BLESS U N GIVE U RIGHT PATH