Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Unrequited love for my cousin

depressed woman lost love

Assalamualikum
Sir I hope that In sha Allah you'll read this.
Sir I am 19 Yrs Old Girl.
Actually from class 7 I used to like a non Muslim boy so so much he was my class mate .
But I never ever pretended or Showed him that I like him. BUt yes I think he liked me or had crush on me. I was so much attracted to him He use to sing Nice.
I liked him to the extent that after Every NamaaZ I used to pray for him ,To be a Muslim Boy and to be my life partner.
This whole process of liking him n making Dua For Him continued from class 7 to 11 may be yes.
But in so many years I think 4 to 5 yrs I never showed him that I liked him. But in so many years i didnt liked any other guy except him, i dont even used to think of any other boy except him this much i loved him .A change came in 2016 that we went out on my vacations in a state where all my paternal family resides. So there one day we went to a tourist place with my CzinS n some relatives .
We went there to enjoy snowing. From there my interest from that non Muslim boy started decreasing . As usually I used to make Dua for him there I didn't felt any such need to make Dua after NamaaZ as I used to do for few years.
And also when I was just going through my FB I saw a Pic of that particular Non Muslim boy and from that very moment naturally I started loosing my interest in him slowly.
And when I was with my czins there at snowfall.
A cousin of mine I started liking him and that was just normal not so much. And today I feel that All mighty Allah has given me hidayat by removing that non Muslim guy from my heart and by replacing him from my cousin .
And I thanked Allah for giving me hidayat and for showing me the straight path. And now I don't Like him anymore Alhamdulillah.
And Indeed Allah knows better.
And from then I started chatting with him on WhatsApp, Messenger etc.
But I have never expressed my love to him.
Because I didn't felt gud to do so. And in starting we started chatting so much each day .
Then eventually we just decreased our chatting now we talk but not so much .
And as much I have experienced I think that he don't have such feelings for me. He just considers me as his Czin nothing more than that.
I shared my feelings with one of my Czin sister and after sometime she told my mother that I like my Czin (her intentions were not to hurt me but to help me). After all this my mother became rude and asked me that Why I like him, He is smaller than me and if we'll marry u in relatives there are many more and so and so .
After that I was crying literally, I was so much hurt after listening all that from my mom .
Then I was depressed a little and worried. And after that my mother behaved in a rude manner with me for few days but then normally.
Then I started offering Tahajjud prayer and felt relief and started making Dua for my Czin .
And I felt through my Czin Because of him Allah gave me Hidayat to offer Tahajjud .
I just like him .
And my Czin is gud in character and Namaazi .
I donno what to do I just like him and In sha Allah want him as my life partner. But he doesn't likes me back. He don't have similar feeling for me. Thnku so much for reading this and plZZ Tell me something. PlZzz Jazakallah

Zoya

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3 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu.

    Love is a psychological sickness, and if it grows strong it affects the body, and becomes a physical sickness, either as diseases of the brain, which are said to be diseases caused by waswaas, or diseases of the body such as weakness, emaciation and so on.

    It is sufficient to note that one of the effects of love of a member of the opposite sex is enslavement of the heart which is held captive to the loved one. So love is a door that leads to humiliation and servility. That is sufficient to put one off this sickness.

    If a man is in love with a woman, even if she is permissible for him, his heart remains enslaved to her, and she can control him as she wishes, even though outwardly he appears to be her master, because he is her husband; but in fact he is her prisoner and slave, especially if she is aware of his need and love for her. In that case, she will control him like a harsh and oppressive master controls his abject slave who cannot free himself from him. Rather he is worse off than that, because enslavement of the heart is worse than enslavement of the body.

    Attachment to the opposite sex will not happen to a heart that is filled with love of Allaah; it only affects a heart that is empty and weak, so it is able to gain control of it, then when it becomes strong and powerful it is able to defeat the love of Allaah and lead the person into shirk. Hence it is said: Love is the action of an empty heart.

    If the heart is devoid of the love and remembrance of the Most Merciful, and is a stranger to speaking to Him, it will be filled with love of women, images and listening to music.

    If the heart loves Allaah alone and is sincerely devoted to Him, it will not even think of loving anyone else in the first place, let alone falling in love. When a heart falls in love, that is due to the lack of love for Allaah alone. Hence because Yoosuf loved Allaah and was sincerely devoted to Him, he did not fall into the trap of love, rather Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Thus it was, that We might turn away from him evil and illegal sexual intercourse. Surely, he was one of Our chosen, (guided) slaves”

    A person may hear that a woman is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable, so he may want to marry her. Or a woman may hear that a man is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable and religiously committed, so she may want to marry him. But contact between the two who admire one another in ways that are not Islamically acceptable is the problem, which leads to disastrous consequences. In this case it is not permissible for the man to get in touch with the woman or for the woman to get in touch with the man, and say that he wants to marry her. Rather he should tell her wali (guardian) that he wants to marry her, or she should tell her wali that she wants to marry him, as ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) did when he offered his daughter Hafsah in marriage to Abu Bakr and ‘Uthmaan (may Allaah be pleased with them both). But if the woman contacts the man directly, this is what leads to fitnah (temptation).

    A person cannot be blamed for love that he does not cause, such as if she sees a boy by accident and her heart is filled with love for him, but she does not do anything haram (impermissible) such as looking repeatedly or shaking hands or being alone with him, or exchanging emotional words with him. As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haram mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haram things in his relationship and love.

    This does not mean that it is haraam for a man or woman to like a specific person whom he or she chooses to be a spouse, and feel love for that person and want to marry them if possible. Love has to do with the heart, and it may appear in a person’s heart for reasons known or unknown. But if it is because of mixing or looking or haraam conversations, then it is also haraam. If it is because of previous acquaintance, being related or because of hearing about that person, and one cannot ward it off, then there is nothing wrong with that love, so long as one adheres to the sacred limits set by Allaah.

    If your cousin doesn't like you and if you're trapped in his love, then the question you should ask yourself is isn't Allah able to replace your cousin that you love with somebody who is a thousand times better? And what can make you believe in that and to get rid of all those feelings you have for your cousin? The answer is a 'strong emaan,' How about just once for a moment all those feelings you had for your cousin just vanished away? Would you like to see that? Would you like to get your emaan strong and just conquer any trial that is thrown at you? I'd be happy to guide you if you'd like that and you'll see that the person that you had intense love for is now just a strager to you! That is the power of Emaan!

  2. If love is unrequited, you just accept that and move on with your life. Because there are billions of other people to choose from.

  3. Assalaamualaikum

    I don't agree that love is a sickness. When two people love and care for each other, that love can help both of them strengthen their faith and grow as people. I think most people in the world are capable of loving and being loved - we love our family, we love our spouses, we have love for our fellow humans... these are all different types of love, and when approached in an Islamic way, these loves can help us achieve great things.

    The important thing, though, is that love should be within the Islamic limits of that relationship, and we need to be able to distinguish love from lust. Romantic love should be nurtured and allowed to grow within an Islamic marriage. If we find ourselves having romantic feelings towards someone to whom we are not married, we should recognise and accept that it is not permissible to act on these, and take steps to remove ourselves from a situation which could lead to further temptation.

    It's ok to have had feelings for your cousin and to have wanted to marry him. But chatting with him was not appropriate and probably strengthened these feelings you had rather than helping you. While it can be hard to lose contact with someone you care about, it's probably for the best that you aren't talking with him any more. I also wonder whether you might have rushed into these feelings about your cousin because of how you felt about the guy before him. Remember that you don't need a guy or a relationship to be happy - you need to be happy with yourself before entering into any relationship, otherwise your identity becomes defined by it. Your identity and feelings of self-worth should never be dependent upon any other person - only on your faith and yourself.

    I'm not clear whether your cousin has stated he doesn't want to be married to you, or whether this is an impression you have from your interpretation of his behaviour. If it is the latter, could there be a different interpretation? - for example, might he be trying to reduce his contact with non-mahrams because he knows this is not Islamically appropriate, rather than it being a personal rejection of you?

    If you genuinely believe that your cousin would be a good husband (and not just a rebound from this non-Muslim guy you liked), then you could speak with your father about it - if there are valid reasons why such a marriage would not be suitable (perhaps your parents might know more about his background than you do?) then inshaAllah your father can explain them to you, and if there are no Islamic barriers and both you and your cousin are legally able to marry, then I can't see that there would be anything wrong in your father approaching your cousin and his family with a proposal. If it is successful, Alhamdulillah. If not, then you haven't really lost anything - he may not be marrying you in that case, but if you hadn't tried, then he wouldn't be marrying you anyway.

    If your cousin has been clear that he does not want to marry you, then I'm afraid you'll simply have to accept that. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that you are a bad person, simply that the two of you weren't meant to be. And that's ok. Pretty much everyone will face rejection of some form in their life, and while it hurts, it won't kill you. Use it as an opportunity to work on your relationship with Allah and develop as a person.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

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