Unrequited love making me think twice about my advice
Assalamualeikum
I'm a teenager heading off to university this month and for the past 3 years Ive known a girl who has been involved with another boy. I have feelings for her but she can't return those feelings because she has already committed to her boyfriend. She has told me several times that if he wasn't there or if he didn't come into her life before me she would have been with me and not him. During the last 3 years Ive done istikhara many times and most of the times I do the outcome just indicates to stay with her, the times when the outcome indicates that I should stay away from her, I do stay away from her. But after a few days or weeks either me or her one of us gives in and we start talking to each other again.
She says she does not want to cut off with me because I've become an important part of her life and because she doesn't want to cause any pain to me than she already has, but she also doesn't leave her boyfriend because he is the one she actually loves.
And it hurts, knowing that I can't be with her and that I'm the 'runner up' in this. I find it difficult to see both of them together and I've cried a lot. I pray everyday, nafals and duaas just for her to see me the way I see her. I do not understand why Allah would want me to stay with her when it hurts this much, if He wanted to teach me a lesson of love, or if it was trial, I think I've been patient enough, it's getting harder for me to keep in mind that as long as I don't do anything wrong or against Allah Ill have my reward ( I just hope that reward is her).
The problem now is that the three of us are going to the same university, due to some issues which are quite hard for me to write here she wants me to decide whether or not she should go to that university. I know that her mother has been praying for it for so long and that she herself wants to go but I can't stand at the thought of watching her and her boyfriend for another 4 years. Neither do I want to be selfish and stop her from going to the university just because 'I' don't want to see them together.
Please help me decide what to do, all these 3 years Ive been trying to be the 'bigger person' in all the situations thinking that if I do the right thing Allah will help me, but its getting harder to believe after all its been 3years..and the thought of having to live in the same place for another 4years watching them two together disgusts me.
Should I sacrifice yet another happiness of mine for her happiness?
- haashe
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Walaikumsalaam,
Brother, you are running after something that is going to give you nothing but grief and heartache. This girl has made clear to you that she loves another man and that she sees you as nothing more than a friend. It really is in your best interests to accept that and move on. Our deen Islam already warns us against forming close friendships between male and female as feelings will easily develop and can lead to haraam. So it would be healthier for you to create some distance from this girl.
You keep mentioning about your istikharas indicating towards you being with this girl; but I doubt that you are actually understanding your signs. You are blaming Allah for wanting you to stay with this girl when it hurts so much; but brother this is so wrong. You are choosing to stay with this girl by giving into your nafs and your emotions.
Matters of the heart are always difficult Bro and in this case both options will be difficult, but one will give you more pain and heartache than the other. You either continue spending time with this 'girl' friend, hence you feel hurt at seeing her with someone else and this will sadden you extremely. Or you distance yourself from her emotionally and physically and with time your heart will heal and you will be able to move on. If you want to protect yourself and give yourself any chance of happiness, I would advise you to force your mind and heart away from this girl. If that means you moving to a different university, then so be it. If you choose to stay at the university, then it would be better for you to keep your distance and make a new circle of friends.
If you allow your nafs to decide what to do here, it could badly affect your studies and future. University life is full of many temptations, so focus on your studies and strengthen your imaan. InshaAllah things will become easier for you and Allah will give you a partner who wants you, not someone else.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam. I have seen a situation like this. And been close to the girl figure in a situation so similar. I have some key points which il summarise for u.
- it will be easy to blame the girl for leadin u on and i will be inclined to do so as well. Deep down she nos wat she wants, but she also wants u there for stability and comfort. However. She prob does care bout u more than an avge person thats y she feels she cant be harsh to u and tell u to go.
-u hav been told that she is with him and staying with him. U see it first hand. I no its hard for u. But u need to stop thinkin it wud ever happen. Ur not a reserve choice nor r u second best.
-if it were ever to happen with u two i guarentee she wud associate it with her past relationship, as u three seem to be embroiled in sum triangle. I dnt think even if u got together it wud be about u two as she wud hv had to split with him to be with u.
-i dont no wat this girls relationship is lyk with her bf. But im very surprised u two are allowed to be so close. Especially wen u like her. If i was the bf i wud be hearin alarm bells.
-in the situation i knew of the girl started having probs with her bf bcz of her closeness to this other guy. Instead of making herself a clear choice she ended up confusing herself, creating bad feeling, creating insecurities n rifts. By the tym she did make her choice to fully stik with her bf n stop all emotional contact with her friend feelings were so battered on all sides that the boyfriend she stayed with made her life a bit hellish as shes made him so insecure.... Which then made her feel insecure. ..... Do u see the vicious circle here?oh and she blamed the other guy for stikin around and messin with her feelings too.
To stop this circle of mess u need to on ur part just understand it is clear shes mixed up pls leave her to it.if u carry on u both will confuse each other further. If that means goin to a different uni so be it. If u cant im afraid ul have to be strong n stay away from both of them. Do not embark on an emotional rollercoaster which ends in a collossal crash of feelings n self esteem. U wont have much strength to study either n u dnt wanna walk away with nothin. If u think u love her leave her alone. For good. Let her make her own decisions. Dont eva let her say u confused her or that it was ur fault sumthing went wrong.
I havent even began to discuss the islamic side of things i feel a bit hypocritical to as i had male friends thruout uni. But one word of advice these male friends who say ur like a sister? Well ur not ther sister. They arent brothers. Feelings develop, sumtyms unrequited, hormones rage.Which is y we are forbidden to embark on such friendships. N take it from me. Ur better off without them
thank you for your generous and for a very convincing answer.
i asked this question a while ago and waited for the site to upload the question but unfortunately or maybe i should say fortunately i no further need an advise to this.
as out of the comments i received you mentioned that you have an experience in this i would like to ask you for another advice.
a month has passed since i asked this question on this site, the situation now is that her boyfriend and me are in the same university but she chose not to come here for our sake. Moreover she ended the relation with him and with me too.
I think I know what your answer to the question would be but I'm going to ask anyway,
should I or should I not talk to her after a few weeks?
Look. Sumtyms we get caught up in things. We make mistakes. Hurt ppl and hurt ourselves as a result. By the sounds of things she ended things bcz she knew it was too complicated and wrong to carry on. I dunno her situation with her ex boyfriend n i dont no wat note she ended things with u on? Dsnt it suggest she wants to leave it well alone?? I think ur quite young. But ur being very single minded. My answer is no. Leave her alone. Let her live as she wants to. If ur so convinced shes for u then ask ur parents to send a rishta. Personally i wd say leave it. Uv gt ur education in front of u. Trust me ur lucky thers now distance between u2. If there wasnt itd be harder.
Move on. You are only torturing yourself. Cut off the love you feel for her and share it with someone who will receive it more gratefully. She might think that you have become an important part in her life - but what about you? Don't allow yourself to be used like that.
Tell her to go to that university, and also tell her that you stopped loving her and cut off the ties of "friendship" that bind you. To me, it's an emotionally abusive relationship that you are caught in. You have to be a strong man to do that, but life is hard at times, you know that.
I totally agree with u
Salaam...
its easy to say forget about her.... that things happen for a reason.... and its for the best... that there's plenty of fish in the sea.... but i understand how you feel... i understand how you see her face in every pretty girl and in every moment of happiness.... and how you cant imagine ever being happy without her....
its a tight one to get over and it cannot be easy....
i suggest making the following duah... "Ya Allah, most Kind, most Merciful, Let me not desire those things that you have not written for me... Ameen"
all the best.... stay strong... pray for me and the rest of the Ummah...