Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Unstable Long Distance Marriage

Payphone hanging off the hook

Husband has returned to his country and stopped calling

Assalamu Alaikum,

I met and married my husband a year ago alhamdulillah and we have had a long distance marriage the entire time.

It has been very difficult and feels very unstable, causing us to argue too often.  We will live together in the same location for a few months and then we will separate for a couple of months both needing to take care of our lives where we were prior to meeting.

He is now in Jordan having started a new job and I am currently living with my parents in the states waiting for him to get things together over there so that I can move with him.

Living this way as a new couple has been so stressful for both of us, causes a lot of arguments, instability and an unknowing of our future.  What makes it 10x worse is that he is horrible with maintaining contact when we are apart.  It is typical for us to go a week without a phone conversation, e-mails and very few texts.  I will call him almost daily only to get his voicemail, I will e-mail him and not get responses and he will sometimes text me.  He always talks about how busy he is and how he doesn't have time for me being upset or angry or fighting.

I feel hurt and angry and lots of resentment towards him and when we do talk it's mostly just fighting, which both of us are getting tired of.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I've told him in a number of calm conversations how important it is to maintain contact and I've also expressed how it makes me feel when he doesn't maintain contact and it doesn't matter.  I don't know if it's that he just doesn't understand or if he just doesn't take my feelings seriously.

I don't know what to think anymore and I don't know what to do anymore.  I need feedback because I feel lost and unhappy in my marriage.

- pipa2045

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5 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I hate to say it, but what you've described sounds suspiciously to me like you might not be the only woman (wife, even) in his life. What did you know about his circumstances before you married? In my mind, a man who is newly married and trying to bring his new wife to come live with him is going to at least be a whole lot more communicative than your husband is seeming.

    What do you want to do? You don't have any certainty that things will improve, as your attempts to work on the problem with him have done nothing so far. You can't even gauge what type of relationship you both will have once you finally do go there, since right now it seems all you do is argue. Are you even secure in the trust that he will bring you over to Jordan at all?

    There is a lot of information that needs to be brought out for you to make a better assessment of the situation, and I have a feeling there are a lot of unanswered questions for you as well. I think your best bet is to confide in your parents about what is going on, and share with them your misgivings. See what feedback they have for you, and make istikhara. It also wouldn't hurt to try to get your husband to level with you about what is going on over there with him. Even if he doesn't answer you honestly or clearly, it can't hurt to press him about it a little.

    If I were in your sitauation, I wouldn't even agree to come live with someone who couldn't be considerate enough to maintain our marriage long distance...but that's just me. I tend to think that what you are going through now is an indication of what type of husband he would be to you even in person. Are you ok with that? If you aren't, maybe it's time to rethink your plans altogether.

    -Amy Editor

    • Selam alekum,
      I have to agree here with everything Amy said. If he is not available with you now, probably not will be there for you when you move to Jordon. If he can not even keep in contact with you and your his wife this is a bad sign. Moving to a different country is a huge step and you become dependent by doing so completely, at least at first on your husband. I strongly believe that if a husband truly loves you they make time for you. Busy is just an excuse that says your not important . It is possible he has another relationship or something if he can not call you.
      Sister heed the warning signs early and leave this . Talk to him once ao mend tell him your feelings and how much you want the marriage to work. If there is no response and he remains the same I would let it go and go on with your life. I know it hurts to hear , but you could face more pain later . This happened to me as well. If someone says they are too busy it usually means something is off. You deserve better. Pray to Allah and seek guidance.

  2. Dear Pipa,

    I completely agree with what Amy's replied to you.

    I have seen a friend ina similar situation. Long distance marriage for over 5 years. My friend's husband always professed his love for her, but only when it was convenient for him, not because he felt like!!! My friend and her husband had regular arguments on the same, but somehow he always managed to convince her that it's work and he's worried. Also, my friend loved and believed in her husband so completely, that eventually when she discovered that her husband had married another woman behind her back, she was totally devastated. Eventually, her husband cried and did all possible things to tell her that it was unfortunate and circumstances were such, but nothing could help my friend heal.

    The worst was, everytime she tried discussing this with him even in a calm and composed manner, the guy used to get furious for no reason. In fact, he used to accuse my friend of creating issues out of total non issues!!! My friend who used to be a very confident person, believe me, had turned into a total wreck. Had totally lost a sense of right and wrong. It was only eventually, when she discovered her husband's infidelity and betrayal, that she could realise, that she was right, all along but was always manipulated into believeing otherwise!

    Luckily in your case, I am glad, you have your family around. Why don't you confide in someone and share your situation, at least with your mum? Of course, you will have to be tactful, can't blame anyone of anything without sufficient evidence on hand, but it's always good to keep your families apprised of whatever the situation is.

    Hope God helps you with this.


  3. Pray, ask god for help. Be steadfast. Whatever happens don't worry u have god, in this life that is all that matters. Just be steadfast to god no matter what. Also be super patient cuz god loves and is with those people who are patient. He will in Shaa Allah answer your prayers.

    • i have experienced this before too.patience is key.sometimes it is really true that he is busy.the more you nag him ,the more he is troubled and finds you annoying.since it is clear that this is the way he is,try and change your expectations of him.try keep your mind off him and onto more important issues-Your Relationship with Allah.remember this is all a test from Allah and only He can releave you off it.sometimes we get so attached to people or worldy things more than we should.theses hearts were only meant for the Love of Allah,LOve Allah more than Anything and Anyone and you will find peace and comfort even when you are focus this time on mending and building a strong communication and relationship with your creator,you will notice that your husband's behaviour doesn't hurt u as much as it does.Also you will keep away evil thoughts and perceptions about your husband that shaitan may bring to you.
      by being understanding and giving him space you will in shaAllah notice that he is now the one looking for u whenevr he can and your conversations will be more sweet and peacefull.
      things will work out eventually in shaAllah,seek help in patience and prayer.

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