Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Update on my situation!!!!

Forced marriage poster for people in the UK

Salam all!

I'm writing this to update you guys on what is going on with me. For those of you who don't know my situation here is the link for my previous post:

Parents forced me into nikah

Anyway, so after I posted my post I thought long and hard about everything and decided I was going to run away since I had had enough so after planning it with a friend here in pakistan and also contacting the AHA foundation I was to go to the us embassy. Long story short I got caught. Now I don't know what exactly happened if it was my friend who snitched on me to my mother or if my mother read my Facebook messages after i fell asleep but that is weird since I had a password on my phone.. anyway this was in august of last year and things got really worse for me I had my phone taken away along with my ID, my credit cards etc. Etc. I had no internet access or anything for a few months. She also called one of my friends from usa, who was willing to help me, she threatened her and told her horrible things. I had no access to my friends or anyone. If I wanted to talk to someone my mom will give me her phone but would stay around me to see who I was talking to it got really bad and felt like i was in prison. I had many fights with my mom telling her how I didn't want to be in this nikah i wanted to go home and that i wasn't happy my mom didnt care at all, even though i begged and cried for it she'd just stare at me and then talk about something completely random. She was planning for my wedding and said that i could go back or study or whatever after im married. She even said that if i didnt marry my cousin she prays to Allah that i stay unhappy all my life. She said many things like that, that hurt my heart.

The guy i am nikahed to was just neutral at this point. Then in october we got into an argument and he threw a jar at me that hit my chest and left me with a bruise. Like i mentioned before in my previous post, this man has anger issues. This happened in front of my mom btw, she was worried at first and then later she just let it go and was back to planning for my wedding. I'm sure he just sweet talked to my mom and fooled her like always. Also after he hit me he didn't even make an attempt to apologize and then 4 months later when his mom was visiting he just gave me a lame apology and started acting like everything is fine. His mom started planning for the wedding too and said we should be wed by summer.

I don't know how these people are making decisions for my life without even asking me or atleast asking for my suggestion. She wanted me to pick my wedding dress and start planning too and said how we should hurry because of how "many people want to stop this marriage bla bla " but my depression got so worse i kept telling my mom to make it stop but she never cared. I then started to think maybe after the wedding we'll go back to usa and that will be my chance to leave. But i found out my family would be leaving pakisan and so would his but him and i will be living here. I started freaking out about what to do again i was hurt that my mom would do this to me & leave me here alone with him knowing how depressed I am.

Then fast forward to where i am at now. Just few weeks ago he got angry again and this time it was worse he started shouting like crazy and attempted to hit me but missed and when my mom tried to stop him he hit her too and came after me to hit me again. All of this happened in front of the whole family and his mom later came to talk to me about it and said that he got angry because you're still in contact with the "other guy". At this point i was on the edge and about to lose my mind so i told her everything from the start. She was a bit more understanding but said "it's too late now that i should move on, forget the past, adjust myself etc. Etc."

I don't know how I'm supposed to adjust in this kind of environment, also when i love someone else and hate my cousin. How am i supposed to adjust??? Also it annoyed the hell out of me when she kept asking me why i was depressed for no reason & kept saying how black magic was being done to stop this wedding and that there are hurdles in the way and we should watch out ....May Allah forgive me but when she said all that I wanted to punch her in the face. It's like every problem is because of black magic or something. It's irritating as hell.

My mother is back on planning the wedding and let this go again. It's like he just sweet talks to my mom and everything in the world is okay. I'm not happy one bit specially after the incident that took place recently and i have no energy to be a wife for him or anything of that sort. I'm in serious need of help, support and suggestions.

JAZAKALLAH

veryberry

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19 Responses »

  1. Salam Veryberry,

    I read your previous post and your boyfriend's post. In your last post someone responded with Tahirih Justice Center and gave information. I've never tried them but if they are good perhaps it would be worth a shot. Outside of that I wanted to give you an understanding of why this is happening to you.

    Your boyfriend is African American and Pakistanis, after being colonized, prefer white over even being brown. As such, your mom is looking at you falling in love with someone she would never consider. If he was white there would be issues with him being a recent convert, perhaps his income, and perhaps his past relationships. But with him being black, the only way your mom can reconcile the thought that you would marry a black man is that you must have had black magic done to you. Obviously that's not true, but that's how she's resolving this conflict between your tastes and her her taste in men.

    In order confirm that this is true all she needs is a guy willing to accept money and tell her what she wants to hear and this would be the "buzurg". Or perhaps she's just coming up with stuff since she's fine going back to the US despite knowing the "upcoming earthquake", either way she wants to prevent your marriage to a black man and also prevent you having black grand kids.

    So the only way for her to get you out of the situation of being in love with an African American is to get you married off as soon as possible. Now which decent human being is willing to marry a girl against her will? Since there isn't one she has to go with someone of less character, which happens to be your cousin. He's willing to marry you and doesn't care you love someone else. And since to your mother this is the only way to erase the "black magic" done to you she has resigned herself to accepting this fate for you. She would rather this cousin marry you and you stay in Pakistan forever than for her to accept that you would get a black husband and give her black grand kids. For you to even want that for yourself, is to her, only explainable as someone doing black magic to you or that you've gone insane.

    In order for the situation to improve your mother would need to be convinced that the black magic has ended. For this to happen you would have to come to her and tell her that your boyfriend broke up with you. That in your time of need when he heard you were getting a nikkah he broke up and started dating someone else. You would be crying a lot and would start to become indifferent to him. You would refuse to marry black men and hold the same views as your mother. This doesn't mean that you couldn't refuse marrying your cousin, it just means that your mother would need to see that you would never want to marry that boyfriend.

    Once that would happen, then she may be on board of looking for someone new, perhaps sending you back to the US or anything else. But if you did marry your boyfriend, ties with your family would most likely be cut. They would probably not be able accept him. Now, once you'd have kids then maybe they would be more accepting at that time, but perhaps not even then.

    I wish you the best of luck during this difficult time. I don't know your boyfriend well enough to tell you whom you should marry. It may be that you marry him and everything is wonderful, or perhaps that you marry him and you two break up afterwards. It may be that you marry a Pakistani guy and everything works out or that you hate him after a few years. I can't say which test is coming up in your life. I hope this understanding helps you. Please look out for yourself, seek ways to return, and do no push the idea of your boyfriend on your parents as this will cause them to react more illogically. And since you have time, think about the people in your life and try to understand their motives, this will likely help you. Assume that everything you're doing is watched or will be watched. Salam.

    • Yes I read their comment and i'm currently in touch with the tahirih foundation.

      And yes you are right. Spot on. I have an uncle who married a hispanic woman and it's completely fine for him. No one questioned him or anything so why is it different for me? It's obvious they're racist without even acknowledging it. I know this for sure because my cousin's mom (who's my aunt btw) always looks at dark skinned girls like "aww i feel bad for her may Allah forgive me but she probably can't find a man because of her skin tone" and my mom is the same way. So you're right. Pakistanis have this huge complex about being dark it's ridiculous. Ever since i have been here i have seen idiotic ads about skin lightening and what not. I don't know what's with the whole being light craze i don't understand at all maybe because i grew up in us or probably because I'm light skinned myself. Also what you said about having dark grand kids is so true. I come from a very light skinned brown family sometimes i think they don't want to mix where the offspring will be dark. I know that sounds really sad. Also i know that many Pakistani families don't like their daughters mixing with other races however for the sons it's not a big deal (from what i've seen).

      About the "buzurg". Well my mother claims she doesn't give him any money and that in fact he's a rich man. She also claims she's known him for 8 years and that every prediction he made came true. He apparently made a prediction about the guy i love; he said "he'll leave me after we're married" and then later i asked my mom again and she goes oh he said "yall will have financial problems" So i don't know what's up with that. Also the funny thing is when he made these predictions my mom didn't even know the guys name or anything. She just knew that i wanted to marry him and that he is black.

      Anyway thank you sister for commenting, giving me support and well wishes. You're right about me not pushing for the guy i love and i'm not actually i stopped doing that a long time ago. I understood my mom wasn't going to listen so i dropped it but for her to pressure me into marrying my cousin is just absurd.

  2. I am so sad to hear whatever you are going through.I belong to Pakistan too and my family has been living in dubai for a very long time.my parents were also not like this but now i dont understand how they have become so narrowminded.well i had a long story myself but i had to sacrifice because of my parents.because in my case they were right but in ur parents are ABSOLUTELY WRONG ! n please also clearify ur definition of istikhara.it is not a dream but a dua that one makes to Allah to help choose the best option.So ur mother is wrong to talk about buzurg and his predictions and his istikharas.
    I dont know how Pakistani parents are so ok with abusive husbands when they themselves have been suffering their whole lives.They dont care about their children's feelings and choices but dont want to look shallow in front of their family. Thats the worst thing.In my case my Parents sacrificed for my sake but i realized they were right so i gave up on the guy but the criteria on which ur parents r rejecting the guy is absolutely wrong.I know how they would be feeling when they would think about u getting married to a black guy because i know the typical pakistani mentality..But please sister make sure whatever you write here write unbiased.Only then can you get the most honest answers.If you write what you feel then you r just writing ur point of view.So be unbiased, tell us what they did wrong but also tell us what you did wrong.
    May Allah help you in this bad situation, just remember suiside is a permanent solution to a temporary problem so never even think about it. Please keep us updated about ur situation.we might help in some way.

    • Well sister I'd like to know your story because i don't exactly get what you're saying about your situation. I hope everything is okay with you!

      And well here is the thing. Not everyone is perfect we all make mistakes. I had my share of mistakes too. I feel like i should have told my mother about the guy i loved earlier. Even he would tell me to tell my family. He had told his family so he would always ask me why i wasn't doing that too i'd tell him how it was different with desi families and i was just a bit worried about how she'd react plus i didn't know how to go about it and how to exactly tell her. Also she will always bring up my cousin so i knew she had him on her mind for me. I thought: "well let me complete my education and when it's time to get married I'll worry about it then and tell her about the guy i love because I'm not ready to get married right now anyway." But before that could happen she was already becoming a little suspicious of me and knew that there was someone in my life. So one day she asked me, i was a bit hesitant but then i told her. Then what happened next is what I wrote in my first post.

  3. I feel bad for you.but u don't worry every bad situation has a good ending.i think u should keep telling your mom how harsh he is.or just leave it up to allah.
    U can distract yourself by doing other things you like.above all allah knows what is best for you and he takes test from time to time.we should try to face it not run away from it.

    • Thank you. Allah knows I'm trying my best. I have been reading a lot of books. Also learning new skills. Just doing things to keep me busy but depression is always there. I often cry myself to sleep at night but now I feel like I'm becoming emotionless or "cold" lately. May Allah help all of us. Thaanks for your kind words.

  4. Salam sister.
    i wish i could be there for you in person, but honestly i really dont know whats the best solution for you.
    Im a pakistani too and my first cousin, a woman , married a black sudanese guy in USA. no one would talk about her now for a while , and i can see that her father, (my uncle) has his head bowed down out of "shame" ..
    but theyre doing well together as far as i know and have a goodlooking daughter now as well. but she did all this while living alone and her parents did not attend the wedding . Probably dont talk to her either
    About your cousin, this guy hit you with a jar on the chest. Thats just terrible. i hope youre doing well now
    what will he do once you live together. Sigh.
    All i would say is we as muslims believe in destiny, and Allah as written things way before in a book. the pens ink has dried.

    Cry, and pray to Allah. Cry cry and recite durood sharif and then pray to Allah . Tell HIM that i am the ummati of your beloved Prophet Muhammad pbuh and pls help me.
    Pray to Him to be gentle. mention His name YA LATEEF and ask for gentleness.
    Pls do mention Prophet Muhammad's name whilst making dua, as he too was given VICTORY after too much grief.

    Then , be content with the destiny. Let things happen themselves, stop struggling once you see that the direction of things is good. And try to be respect your parents, while you do whatever youre doing
    Im telling with my personal experience that ive always suffered when im disrespectful towards my parents.
    im not telling you to go on with the wedding with your cousin as i told you i dont really have a solution.
    Im just saying do dua in a such a way that He chooses the best way for you
    All the best

    • That's crazy so your cousin is basically disowned? I wish i could talk to her and ask her some questions since she has been through it.. but thanks for your support and kind words.

  5. Get a mullah to pronounce you black magic free, and get out of there. Pretend you like another pakistani light skinned and tell your mother you prefer him, and while they are searching for his mother, family, ect. Get your credentials back and get out. In these situations it is better to have a sane mullah act on your behalf rather than a crazy mother. What mother would want to marry off their daughter to a proven abusive man?!?

    • I don't know what mullah will do that. Mullahs in Pakistan scare me anway and what you said sounds easier said than done lol but thanks sister for your help and support.

  6. One of the reason you are being married to your cousin is to bring him to US. Later on after 3 years when he becomes US citizen (assuming you are a US citizen) he can sponsor his parents and siblings under 21 years to bring them to US. Your mom I think wants you to live in Pakistan until your cousin can get his Visa.

    Your cousin at this point is not concerned about other guys in your life. Things may change after he gets his citizenship.

    I don't think telling your mom you like another Pakistani guy is not going to work.

    • I don't know if you read my previous post on this website. My cousin is a us citizen born and raised in America. So that's not his motive. Most of my family from my mom's side lives in usa anyway. If you read my previous post that I posted the link to you'll understand he's obsessed with me or something it's not normal behavior. I know he can find another girl better than me so why is he after me so much? What's so special about me? On top of that he has issues with me about a lot of things so i don't understand???

  7. Salam dear Veryberry,

    Sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think I can say much but whatever happens do not do nikah with your cousin! Just like everyone else is important, you are important toooo and so you should be treated in most important and caring way. Don't let your family or anyone force anything or anyone on you. You rather remain single for the rest of your life than to marry someone who will pain you, torture you everyday.

    Maybe you could share to your mum/family the true stories of Forced marriages that turn out to be total disaster and led to crime cases. Maybe through such examples your mum won't force you to marry your cousin. You could every three days show your mum/family youtube documentaries on forced marriages and how it is wrong by law and religion/ Islam.

    If honestly there's no way out then you have no choice but to tell all your relatives about your situation. In shaa Allah amongst your relatives there may be someone who will fight your case. If no one then go seek help outside of your extended family and relatives.

    One thing though, your cousin seem violence. He seems capable of harming you more if this whole thing goes out of his control.

    Also brother/ sister gogo has given you good advice/reminder on dua. Take his advise and make lots of dua to Allah swt. I have a firm believe that through sincere dua/supplication things will become tonnes easier for you.

    May Allah swt soften your respected mother's heart so you live life without anyone bothering/ hurting you, ameen. And may Allah swt bless you a righteous and very caring husband is well, ameen.

    Xxx

    • If you take a look at the previous post I posted on this website I'm already nikahed to him. I was pressured into it. Also i talked to my mom a whole bunch of times and when i say talk i mean had detailed discussions and she just refuses to understand anything i have to say. It's sad..
      Thank you though for your support and kind words. Ameen i hope my mother realizes what she's doing..

  8. It's a shame....the muslims are so weak ..no guidance no fear of Allah and there grave and the day of judgement. ..Did you eer listen to tariq jameel...Iman is like diamond and most of it need to make it shiny...the soul needs food just like body..... when the body is protecting the soul and we are ever so aware and fearful of Allah ...then it's hard to turn away and we become connected....so much that are duas get excepted immediately unless Allah wills because he knows best......If your religion and rights are violated then you have every reason to move on but Remember that treating parents well and serving them in old age is important...and your duty...This person is abusive and it will get worse....so ask the local sunni scholor or go online with mufti MENK or just ask the big scholors in tabligh Jamaat. ...because they will know what you can do and give better advice ...I can say run away but does it really help from running away from your problems? You need to tell your mom I'm your daughter ..he is nobody..to you......privately talk to her as a mature women not a kid and tell it like it is......straight to the point....

    • I love my parents and will be there for them whenever they need me right now or in old age. But that doesn't mean they treat me like shit and ignore my feelings and choices. As a muslim woman i have the right to marry by my choice no one should make that choice for me. Simple. And sister please tell me where i can talk to a scholar online? I have looked and searched and ended up on this website but if you do let me know.
      Also why are you assuming i didn't talk to my mother? How can you say that i've been talking to her like a kid and not a mature woman? You don't know how many times i had to talk with my mom, trying to make her realize and understand but she doesn't. How many times i had to spill out my emotions and feelings for them to be just stomped over you don't know that!!!!! If talking to her helped me i wouldn't be on this site replying to your comment.
      Peace.

  9. One more thing ...In islam as sunni muslim and a revert and married to a scholor. ...There is no such thing as boy friend girl friend etc.....or homosexuality. These humanbeings who choose a life of games sport show lies .etc.....Only do this to hurt themselves for the punishment of the grave is true and the day when every person will stand in front of Allah to be judged...It will only be there actions that will speak for itself!!!!!The true success in this world and the hereafter is only Obeying Allah's commandments and teachings of prophet Muhammad PBUH. Regardless of the intelligence or wealth this person has....If he doesn't obey and submit.....Then know this THAT ALLAH WILL FILL THIS PERSONS HEART WITH STRESS WORRY AND UNBLESSED LIFE .HE WILL ALWAYS FIND IT THAT THERE IS NO BLESSINGS IN HIS EARNINGS ...THAT HE WILL NOT GET SLEEP BECAUSE OF FEAR.....AND THE LIST GOES ON....PEOPLE HAVE LOST THERE PURPOSE AND TRUE DIRECTION IN THIS TEMPORARY WORLD AND DON'T REALIZE THAT ALLAH IS THE CONTROLLER AND KNOWER OF EVERYTHING AND THATS FACT.

    • Who said anything about boyfriend girlfriend and homosexuality? What???? And what is your whole comment about ?it's so confusing and unclear. What are you even saying? Sorry sister but i don't understand perhaps you can explain more clearly what you are trying to say?

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