Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I avoid upsetting family while not engaging in haram?

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Salamalaikum brother and sisters,

Here is my dilemma...

I have been wearing the hijab for almost two weeks now alhamdulillah. My parents and my husband are very proud and have been very supportive of me.

The issue that I have has been with my husband's family. They too are happy for me, however question certain decision that I have made such as refraining from watching the nonsense that is on tv, listening to music, putting on make-up (or excessive make-up), etc.

The other issue there is, is that their son's (my brother in law) wedding is coming up. I have explained to them that I will not be engaging in the traditions such as dancing. They will not accept this and say that they will make me dance on the night. I am afraid that a scene will be created if they do so. I have explained that even to be there amongst the music, dancing and men and women being together is haraam.

Of course I cannot completely refrain from attending as it will cause issues between my husband and I. I have told them that I have repented and that I will not do the same sins again. It seems that they do not see dancing and music as a big sin. They think it is a way of showing your happiness for the bride and groom.

I would like to take the approach that I do not care what anyone thinks except Allah (swt) but how can I make them understand without causing problems, especially between me and my husband?

Could you please advise me what approach I should take?

Next, I have numerous videos and pictures of myself without a hijab and wearing revealing clothes. What do I do about these? They are not just in my possession but with others too, I cannot get rid of them all.

Lastly, I am having difficulty getting a new wardrobe. :) I have been wearing modest clothing recently, however, I need more clothes! I have seen many girls with hijabs at university wearing nice, modern and modest clothing. I am not planning to wear the niqab, but just the hijab.

What advice can you please give me regarding these issues?

~ snas

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3 Responses »

  1. Assalamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah,

    Sister snas, I understand how difficult it is to face such a situation. I will first speak about what is permissible of the entertainment in marriages.

    al-Rubayyi’ bint Mu’awwidh said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) entered upon me on the day of my wedding and sat on my mattress as you are sitting now, and young girls were beating the daff and singing about their fathers who had been killed at the battle of Badr, until a girl said, “And among us is a Prophet who knows what will happen tomorrow.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do not say this, but say the other things that you were saying.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3700

    It was narrated from ‘Aa’ishah that she took a woman on her wedding night to a man from among the Ansaar, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, “O ‘Aa’ishah, was there any entertainment (in the gathering)? For the Ansaar love entertainment.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4765

    The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The thing that differentiates between haraam and halaal is the beating of the daff and voices.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1008; al-Nasaa’i, 3316; Ibn Maajah, 1886. Classed as hasan by al-Albaani

    It was narrated that Abu Ishaaq said: I heard ‘Aamir ibn Sa’d al-Bajali say: I saw Thaabit ibn Wadee’ah and Qarazah ibn Ka’b al-Ansaari at a wedding, and there was singing. I spoke to them about that and they said that a concession had been granted allowing singing at weddings and weeping for the dead, so long as there was no wailing. (Bayhaqi)

    Concerning any instrument other than daff, it is Haraam as per the Quran and the Saheeh Ahaadeeth.

    Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen said:
    The drum that is covered on both sides is called the tabl, and it is not permissible, because it is a kind of musical instrument and all kinds of musical instruments are haraam, except that for which there is evidence that it is halaal, which is the daff at weddings.

    It is not permissible to even dance, whether among the men or among women (which counts as Ikhtilaat - free mixing of men and women). Firstly, among men, that would obviously lead to an ill-desire. Secondly, among women, they may go to their homes and speak about how a particular woman moved her body. I don't say this myself, but it is from a Hadith.

    It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman should look at another woman then describe her to her husband so that it is as if he can see her.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4839.

    Dancing is considered to be disliked, and an evil action for women. Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

    Dancing is makrooh in principle, but if it is done in the western manner or in imitation of the kaafir women, then it becomes haraam, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever imitates a people is one of them.” Moreover it sometimes leads to fitnah, because the dancer may be a young, beautiful woman, so the other women are tempted. Even if she is among other women, the other women may do things that indicate that they are temped by her. And whatever is a cause of fitnah is not allowed. (Liqa’ al-Baab al-Maftooh, q. 1085)

    And he said: With regard to dancing on the part of women, it is an evil action and we cannot say that it is permissible, because we have heard of incidents that have occurred among women because of it. If it is done by men that is even worse, because that is men imitating women, and the evil involved is well known. If dancing is done among a mixed group of men and women, as some of the foolish do, that is even worse because of the mixing and great fitnah involved, especially when that is done at a wedding party.” (Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/187)

    You will need to speak to your husband that you intend modesty and that you wish to use your charms ONLY on him and not on the other attendees of the wedding party. If your husband is with you, then you can face the entire world. If your husband is on your side, you could even consider refraining from the sessions of the party when dance and singing happens.

    Concerning the images and videos you have of yourself without Hijaab, destroy them with fire (or tear them). Of what other people have, if you think they will understand, then ask them to hand them over to you or destroy them, otherwise, just let it be, Allah Knows your heart and that is enough, in sha Allah.

    Concerning your third question, I would say, go slowly. Begin with one or two pairs of Abayah, then gradually buy a new one. Whatever you wear under the Abayah does not matter as long as you don't reveal yourself to non Mahram in a way which reveals your adornment.

    I ask Allah to Help you in these trials and Give you Strength to face the situation, and shower Patience on you and your husband

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  2. Asalamu allykum;
    i am very sorry for posting here...but i could'nt get password till now,and i have wanted to post my question am still waiting...
    sister aisha

  3. Asalamu allykum;
    i am very sorry for posting here...but i could'nt get password till now,and i have wanted to post my question am still waiting...
    pls‏ ‏Insha.Allah
    sister aisha

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