Islamic marriage advice and family advice

URGENT! Forcing into marriage vs someone I love

I am a muslim Pakistani, raised in Canada. in short my problem is that I want to marry someone who I have loved for a long time, but my parents hate him and his family. And I have made so many mistakes like having boyfriends and so on. So my parents want me to get married and are actively asking and pushing me to tell them if they should look for someone in Toronto or Pakistan.

I need help because I have asked my parents so sooooo many times to get married to the one I love (he is a Muslim arab with a single parent), but my parents started stalling it and saying right now was not the time but now I am 18 and they straight up tell me they hate him and 100% will never let me be with him. They started getting proposals from people I dont even know or font suite me at all. My mom has been constantly giving me lectures and blackmailing me about how bad I am and how I dont deserve anything and that she hates me and if I want to marry who I want I should just leave the house.

I read a lot of posts before making mine and it does seem like my problem is mostly with culture. But my parents do consider islamic laws and such, but since they consider me as a haram devil whenever I mention a islamic law or anything they dont listen to me and say "oo ur bringing islam in now? when u have already done so haram and never cared about islam before?" (mom uses a lot of attitude and anger when she says this, pretty much looks into my soul and shatters my dreams). so basically my words and option does not really matter and she wants to QUICKLY marry me off and leave me. I do NOT want to get married to anyone else. and I am really confident that if i do I will not be able to give the new guy anything. I wont be able to love him, or even life him. So PLEASE someone give me some advice. AND REMEMBER I DID NOT COME ON THIS SITE TO GET DISCRIMINATED OR CALLED THINGS, I CAME FOR ANSWERS NOT TO BE JUDGED.

more info because it may help with your responses:
yes, I know my relationship with the guy I like is haram, yes we HAVE done haram, yes we still love each other, and yes we have both tried to repent, and yes we do not regularly talk anymore. We are trying to become Better Muslims so plz for my sake do not remind me that what I have is haram and so on. THAT DOES NOT HELP WITH ANYTHING!

I have a horrible past, honestly pretty bad, I always dated regardless of what my parents said, always wanted love, like I even thought about love when I was in kindergarten!! 🙁 I CAN NOT EXPLAIN WHY I NEED IT SO BAD. AND I CANT STOP EITHER.

I liked this guy since 6th grade, we fell in love in 9th, it was pure and we were best friends. We constantly asked to get married but our parents made us wait (which in fact turned out to become fitnah because we both REALLY a needed to get married. we knew it would get sexual. I say fitnah because parents held us back form a good marriage). We both started getting sexual in grade 11. for a year we have not done anything with each other but its been hard. AT LEAST WE TRY. We have also tried leaving each other and giving up. But u know what happened? our mood went down, our iman went down, we were lonely and started to talk to other kids our age but opposite sex. We stopped getting close to other when we got back together. So yes I do think we are committed to each other. we both love god and dont want to do haram. BUT WHAT OTHER OPTION DO WE HAVE WHEN WE REALLY NEED TO HAVE A SPOUSE?

I am 18 now, still wanting to get married with him, for many reasons: he is my best friend and gives me so much peace in my heart and warmth. I want that feeling forever. We both are introverted, dont spend much time with others and really do need love in our lives. his parents are divorced and mine were hardly a part of my life before I was a teen (cuz of jobs). Then when I started doing stuff in 7th grade I was blamed and my mom which just started a lot of hate, rumors, and if you know any paki's, u will know that they talk about others all the time. so my parents had people shaming me in front of them. I am just happy I get to take their good deeds for all the times people back talked about me. legit the only thing bad in me is my crazy desire to be loved and have someone. other than that I do try to be a good person and a good muslim, I give over half of my earnings to masjids,pray, feed stray animals, all that stuff. But cuz I failed at being a perfect daughter I am nothing to my mom and my dad is overprotective.

My lovers mother also dislikes me because I used to date, self harm , and anything I say to her son (that SHOULD be between me and him only )she started to share with everyone including my parents. so my parents hate her and she secretly hates them. I have recently started to accept that she will probably make my life difficult if I choose to marry her son, but u know what? I am the one getting married not my parents, I have to deal with her not them, I normally dont socialize much so idk what she will do to me. But also I believe he is worth all that, for what he is to me I think i have to pay some price to have him. ANYWAYS. This is why it is difficult for me to get through with my parents. I tried to contact someone in canada for islamic help but parents found out of course. SO people of the internet, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I made the Istahara prayer (sorry if I spell it wrong) but i feel like I didnt really get any answers, and I am just stuck in my thoughts. my parents would be happy if I married someone they choose, but for that I would have to give up my happiness. If I marry someone else I will most likely not be able to give them love and just do it to pass time and probably end up still talking to the person I love. Both options that I am given have problems. When I think about what kind of husband I want I think of him but with a better family background. And I definitely do not want a paksitani husband, mostly because I am sick of the cultures values and drama. Its too much, I am in Pakistan right now and I can clearly see that culture is more important to them than islam, and the family and other people are more important than an individual. So please someone help me with some of my problems so I can save myself from future failure. I am in urgent need because mother is currently thinking of getting me married off soon and actively asking me what kind of person i want even though i told her i dont want to do it yet. I feel so pressured and I just cant sleep. My parents feel like I will get involved with another boyfriend if they dont get rid of me now. I dont think they are wrong because I dont think I can control myself. But I feel satisfied with the guy I like. we are very alike, and I thought god made people for each other who are similar.



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4 Responses »

  1. Salaamalaikum. Mashaallah it is indeed a very long post and sure is helpful to understand your situation better.

    Okay, you love him and he loves you, your family hates him and his family, their family hates you and your family, correct? and outside of that, you have a bad past, and whenever you talk about Islam, your parents shoot you down.

    Who can get you through this except Allah Subhanawataalah?

    I know that you acknowledge your bad deeds in the past, but I want you come out a little bit more asking forgiveness from Allah. That is, you have do small things, let's say in your case, just pray 5 times Salah, and what this is going to do is set up a base for you for Allah to give what you want. Then, tell your parents very politely and frequently that this is the guy you want to marry and keep telling them on and on. Believe me, the Salah and the politeness is going to break them down!

    But if lose patience and cannot do that anymore, then your next step would be to ask Allah in your prayers (assuming you are praying 5 times) to help you, then tell your parents to find a good guy for you, but what is going to happen is they would never be able to find a good guy for you as you are asking Allah in your prayers, and if they do find a guy, then tell the guy why you wouldn't be happy with him, and Inshallah, he would decline the marriage by himself.

    Peace be on you.

  2. I think whats more important here is to know that whats good comes from Allah and whats bad from sheytan.If you want the good you approach Allah.And he is approachable.
    So you first start by asking forgiveness for yours sins.Am not saying you are sinful,but every time you want something from Allah you do a a lot istighfar!If its a major sin of zina you do a proper repentance.If repentance is done with its conditions met,then Allah forgives big,major and many sins altogether!
    “O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Surah Az-Zumar 39:53)
    From there you a abandon your desires and follow whats good for you.Whats good for you might not be good for me.But be blindly follow what our nafs want can be dangerous!Allah has warned us of 4 enemies in the Quran sheytan,nafs,desires and Dunya!!
    So our desires are our enemy,just like the shaytan.
    1."Inna nafsa la'amarata bi su'u'
    2.inna sheydana kaana aduwum mubin
    3.afara aita manitakhada ilahan hawahu
    So my sister,be steadfast so that your desires dont override your obedience to Allah
    Then talk to your parents,disclose to them the reallity,because in Islan you cannot be forced to a marriage that you dont want to,so you will explain the urgency of your marriage and the guy you wanna marry.Push it and if its for your good it will be successful.

  3. Asalam Alakum sister,

    Reading your story, I can see there are 3 main issues that are currently surrounding you.

    1) Your parents are disapproving of your desire of wanting to marry this arab boy.

    2) You have done sinful things I the past including haram relationships, so your parents just want a quick fix solution to your problem of getting you married off to some one they believe suitable for you or you from Pakistan, due to the cultural aspects etc.

    3) It seems your parents don't have any liking towards this person you want to marry.

    As you say you are the one that is going to live the married life with who ever you do marry so it is important that you are happy with the person you do end up marrying and that you are happy to do so.

    I am not being disrespectful but your parents should understand a girl can not be forced into marriage, and should not be married of with out consulting her first.

    As you already know some one that you love and want to marry, you only deserve this right.

    What I suggest you do is get an intermediary to talk to your parents, like a close family friend or a religious person to make your parents understand your wishes and desires.

    But remember one thing, we humans plan something, but Allah has his own plan, and it could be something better for you.

    I hope everything works out for you ins sha allah and please accept what ever does happen it will be for your long term benefit.

  4. Why is the guy telling his mother the things that you and him talk about? He doesnt sound like a very sensible person.

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