Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Urgent request regarding conjugal life!

Sexless marriage, lack of intimacy, no sex

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah.

I request your valuable response for the following two issues:

1. I am married for 10 years and we have children. However, since my marriage my wife is very reluctant to have intimacy (in terms of sex). Any time, I get interested she shows different reasons and tries to avoid it. If I insist, quite often it turns into harsh conversation and I loose the interest for it. You might ask, then how we had children. That happened as pressure raised from the elders in the families. However, I can count how many days we had intimate relations in our marriage life. To be honest, as an adult it is very tough for me to control my desire. Living in a western civilization, it sometimes take lot of energies from me to pacify my sexual desire. I admit sometimes I can't control myself and masturbate, even I watch pornography when its too difficult for me. But after that I become very regretful and pray and cry to Allah (swt) to forgive me. This also impacts my work and studies. The days I get restless, I can't sleep, eat and work properly. This is harmful for me. Also I confess that I don't masturbate as soon as I feel for it. I try to control it for days and days, and some day I surrender to my instincts. Sometimes, when I ask her to have sex with me, she says that she does not have any problem if I masturbate, only she is not interested to get involved. However, she is very loyal to her family and to me as a wife and is a very loving and caring person respected by all in my society. She is very devoted to Allah and the morals of Islam. Sometimes, she accidentally gets involved with me but that happens very rare, may be once in two months or more. I know, you would suggest me lot of things. But, to make myself clear about my position, I live in a society where more than one marriage in not allowed, and in no way I want to get separated from my children, as I don't want to have them the taste of any broken relationship between the parents Insha'Allah.

2. Whenever, I surrender to my instincts, after everything calms down, I feel very regretful and start panicking that Allah will punish me now and will trash me to a bottomless pit, as I did haraam. In past, it happened that after I did this masturbation, something bad happened to me (financially, or in other forms). Thus, I have this feeling of fear in me of getting punished by Allah after every occasion of this masturbation. Is this superstition? Am I lacking any belief in Islam? Please advice me on my fear with this. Because, out of this fear I get panicked and can't concentrate to my duties in work, in studies, in families.

Zazakallah Khayr

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah


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11 Responses »

  1. Wailekum asalam my brother.
    Am sorry you are going through this and no man or woman should be refused their right. I would love for my wife to be with me at all time as we are in two different countries.I know how you feel..even I have masterbaited and did not enjoy it at all. I just did it to keep my self calm abd release tension and stop me from going to sex workers because I did that before I was married.

    You should talk to her and express your needs and feelings and ask her why she is the way she Is. You should reming her of her role as your wife and also your role to her as her husband.
    Maybe she has hormone problem and appointments with specialist will be able to talk to her.


    • Dear Brother,

      السلام عليكم و رحمة الله

      It is not advised in Islam to share your past sins with others. It is between you and Allah. So, Kindly don't reveal your sins to others.

  2. Why you keeping my post under moderation??

    • You've been placed on moderated status because of some inappropriate comments that you made recently.

      Wael Editor

      • I am under moderation too. Why is this?

        • Your email is not in the mod list. There are three or four people whose comments get held for moderation even though they're not on the list. You are one. I've tried to figure it out before but I couldn't. Eventually I'll hire a programmer to work out the bug, Insha'Allah.


  3. Salaam Brother,

    I feel sorry that you are in such a situation and I pray to Allah to make your life better.

    For the first part of the question I would suggest you keep making dua in Tahajjud and Allah will relieve you of your difficulties.

    Also I suggest you to read some books which would help you,

    Married Man Sex Life Primer
    His Needs Her Needs

    These books will guide you to take practical steps for the solution to your problem.

    For the next part I think you have no need to panic. Although you do need to feel regret and do taubah you have to have hope in the Mercy of Allah.

    If Allah started to punish all of us for our sins then there would not be a single human on this earth who would escape.

    Try to learn and understand the names of Allah , Rahman, Raheem, Haleem.

    Also, if you give charity on a day then for that day you will be safe from difficulties and calamities.

    May Allah bring happiness in your marriage.

    • Salaam

      You need not to hide the situation you need to speak to family and find out what is the problem with her I can't believe you have hidden this for so long it is not just you suffering she is and your children they are not dumb they pick up on everything was she happy with the marriage or was she forced my family
      Do the right thing

  4. Salam
    I am just going to say that you should talk to your wife about your situation and may I also suggest that you should be more romantic to her, meaning book a hotel, take her out, get flowers show her you love her. Plus sometimes it may be that your wife has been very busy in household chores, relatives other senario, so help her out get to the bottom of the problem, and please think about her maybe she's too tired and you should help her out at home doing cleaning, cooking anything, before you try your desires.
    I know she has her duty to you as a wife, but sometimes men put too much stress on women and they think that their women are machines and can continue on and on,even though they may be tired.
    Also some change of scenery /hotel could help.
    You have to work on a relationship and insha Allah you will get there,
    Try harder before you know it you will sort this situation out..
    Anyways good look and please look at her as your partner not a machine. .

  5. Dear Brother,

    I agree with some of the people who advised you to discuss your feelings with your wife. Tell her your marital rights and explain her that Allah will punish her for not giving your marital rights to you.

    Prophet (PBUH) said that if a man calls his wife for sex and the wife disobeyed, and he slept that night in anger then the angels will curse that woman till the morning.

    I would also suggest that there are medicines available to increase the libido and sex drive you might try giving her such medicines.

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