Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Verbal abuse from my husband

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Asalam alaikum,

Firstly I'd like to start by giving you some background info about my marriage. I am a 17 year old girl born and raised in England and had my nikah done at 16 to someone I chose to marry as I helped my parents run their business and was no longer in education.

Ever since my husband and I have known each other, he has had a very short fuse and would get angry at the smallest thing. However it was never at me. We have been through a lot for the past few years and Alhamdulilah we have stuck by each other. He's now 20.

I have had quite a lot on my mind recently regarding my husband and his overall attitude. We are going through financial difficulty and my husband and I are both stressed. Our tenancy agreement is due to end at the end of this month and we are currently struggling to find somewhere to live as our landlord wants to refurbish the property so we can't stay here any longer. I don't want to ask my parents for money as I don't want them to feel like I'm relying on them and can't do anything without them. His parents are the most negative people on the planet and never have anything nice to say so my husband hasn't bothered asking them as they will refuse anyway even though they have a lot of money Alhamdulilah.

Since we have been married my husband has changed a lot and it's really sad because he's come away from the deen. He doesn't do anything haram but he has stopped praying his namaz and reading qur'an, and when I tell him to come pray with me he waits till the namaz has finished and says it's too late now. He willingly chose to do hifz when he was a child but then stopped as he moved back to England from Africa and his parents didn't like the way they teach in madrassas in England. I've been telling him to start again and Allah will help us with our difficulties but he comes out with excuses such as, I need to be in a quiet place to memorise etc. Yesterday at Jummah, a young boy lead the jamat and when we finished I said to my husband to offer to lead jamat next jummah as he has a beautiful recitation voice Mash'Allah, and his response was a blunt no. I feel like the more he's coming away from the deen, the more Allah is testing us and he can't see that.

Since we have been married, he has also changed the way he speaks to me and he's now very rude and swears at me for no reason. He calls me fat, ugly and every other horrible name under the sun. He never eats anything I cook so it all goes to waste, he complains about everything I do whether I wear no make-up or too much make-up, if I forget to iron something of his, if I don't do something fast enough etc, he always finds something to complain about. For example today, I went to work which is 2 minutes from my house in the car, and when I finished I waited 15 minutes for him to get me and when I got in the car he shouted at me for waiting outside but he had my phone and said he would be there before I finished so I wasn't to know where to wait. Small things like this have been driving me crazy. Also when we got home, I was looking at properties and he told me to get his phone charger but according to him I was too slow so he threw the phone at my head and started swearing/cursing me. I told him to control his anger as it won't get him anywhere in life and he told me to die. I went to sleep and he went to work without waking me up and saying bye.

He ALWAYS makes me feel like I'm in the wrong even when I haven't done anything. I always have the worst thoughts in my head because he's never intimate with me, he can go 2-3 months without touching me, how is that even possible for a male? It makes me think what if he's doing other things while I'm at work. When I go to see my family, he won't respond for hours on end and then when I call him he's "watching tv". I've caught him many times before having girls on his social contacts before and while we have been married but he denies it all, blames a cousin for taking control of his account or makes excuses. I have always let it go even when his own mum told me she has caught him talking to girls as I believe Allah knows best and only he can judge. I just tell myself on the day of qiyamah it will all become clear and I'm doing my bit as a muslim wife and if he can't abide to Islam even after I have told him to turn to Allah, then it is beyond my control.  He only lets me see my family once every month or two and when my parents ask me why I haven't been to see them in a while, he makes excuses pretending it's me. I have never told my family anything that has happened between my husband and I, and when my mum asks if we ever argue etc I have always said no and made out like we have a perfect marriage. I can't even tell my older sister because she has never liked him and has found stuff out about him but has never told me what, so if I complain to her, she will say don't say I didn't warn you.

I have spoken to him about all my concerns as I am not one to shy away if my heart is not content and he doesn't take any notice. He will apologise for one thing and then start again 5 minutes later. It is as if he cannot help himself from complaining, swearing and talking rubbish about me. I try my best to please him but it never works as he takes no notice.

what should I do/say? as I have come to the point where I am losing my mind. Sorry if I am complaining a lot but I had to get this weight off my shoulders.

Iman123

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15 Responses »

  1. I am also in a similar situation, not exact but very similar. I would love to hear a reply on this particular topic as it's very confusing being in position like this..

  2. Dear Sister,

    You need to understand that you and your husband are still maturing. You're only 17 and the development you go thru from now until you are 21 is completely tremendous. And for men, they mature a little slower so his attitude may be temporary.

    However, you need to tell your parents. And the solution is to go and stay with your parents for a while. He's taken you for granted and he's left his salah. You need to be separate for some time so that he can see what he's losing.

    You always need to keep a line of support open with your family. Because what if one day he puts you out? Or what if he starts physically abusing you? What will you do?

    Go Stat with your parents for some time. Don't tell him you're going. Just go while he is out. Leave a note or voice mail. And then tell him you won't return until he changes. If he doesn't want to change or want you back then you can do khula. Leaving salah is enough for divorce.

    • I'm sorry but this doesn't seem enough for a divorce?? You need to openly tell him what is and isn't acceptable. Refuse to talk to him or don't share a bed for a while or better yet try and turn it around be extra nice without expecting change see where that leaves u. If we want change in others we have to change ourself first.

  3. Salaam sister,

    You are only 17 years old and you are shying from asking help from your parents. You are young and have little experience and are struggling with your life. You can definitely ask for financial help from your parents and also ask about advise regarding your marriage.

    It is not wrong to discuss your problems with your mother and take advise from your mother, she is more experienced and will guide you better. Just be careful not to take it to the level of backbiting and slandering your husband. You can always ask your family for support and advise on how to deal with a particular situation.

    You are only 17, there are lots of people in this world who are much much older and still take the support of their parents. And if your parents are good people and not like your husbands parents then definitely they will be more than happy to help you and support in your times of difficulty.

    So discuss your problems with your parents and Inshallah they will guide you better.

    Also, you should make lots of dua to Allah to guide your husband towards Islam. And also to guide you to solve this problem in your married life.

    May Allah grant peace in your marriage.

  4. Sometimes i feel muslim women need to do all the patience etc when it comes to an unreasonable husband. My husband and i are both muslims. If he does shi**y things i would do things my way by not telling him where i go and stuff. He looks up disgusting pics and videos online and just recently told me to die when i refused getting intimate. Honestly, Allah being my witness, I'd rather sin going against such an unreasonable husband than to abide obediently. Patient is a virtue but not to a**holes. I am sorry for such language. One day when he goes overboard, I will demand for divorce.

    • my husband says that too, he tells me to and die and other horrible things over the smallest issues. He doesnt care if im intimate with him or not and its always me initiating it. I know hes not a bad guy i love him dearly and i feel like he means no harm, he just cant control his anger.. What do we do? some days im so confused i dont want a divorce.. Anyone here with a professional background of some sort to help my situation? .. in terms of islamic advice etc. May allah guide our husbands and give us patience.

      • Yes, he is a bad guy. Good men do not say such things.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Assalam Aleykoum W.r W.b,

          You say that good men don’t say that. My question is, do good men really exist?

          I know I will get a backlash for saying that I got a Divorce; knowing that I wrote about my struggles then my success on this site.

          At one point I talked very passionately about not giving up and had quite a few sisters impressed with me when I told them about my struggles and how I overcame them. Then one day after my successful marriage, I wrote about my loneliness while being married. A sister felt very disappointed for reading about my struggles assuming that I was living a very happily ever after marriage.

          Anyway, to put it in short.....I got a divorce and just recently got done with my Iddah.

          I wonder if "good men" really exist as you so put it.

          I wonder what went wrong when all I did was worship Allah SWT and being the best wife to my husband?

          I treated him as a gift from Allah SWT. So what happened?

          And the saddest part? He divorced me with no valid reason other than stating "for unreconciled differences".

          Is divorce a joke to men??? I hate blaming all men but it scares me what the majority of our Muslim men are doing to their spouses.

          We live in dark times and it's a scary world.

          May Allah SWT make it easy for you my sisters because I know what it feels like to have ....... for a husband who doesn’t know how to appreciate a woman/wife, and treats them like used napkins.

          • SisterZahriya, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. I can understand your bitterness, though I think your narrative sounds incomplete. I'm sure you have some idea what lead to your divorce.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • I've seen a lot of good muslim men get married. I've never come across men that tell their wives to die at the slightest problem. I don't think their wives would stick around if that happened.

            But on the plus side, I didn't know there were women that would put up with that. I guess there's a lot of good patient sisters out there too :).

          • Brother Wael, it's not bitterness that I am feeling, far from it. It's disappointment at men (not all of course), but many who don't take marriage seriously. How they play around with divorce. May Allah SWT guide us all. Ameen.

  5. My husband uses the word divorce so many times I wonder if we already are.

    He gets so angry... then afterwards acts normal.
    Tonight he decided to slam his dinner plate on the table.... then went upstairs angrily calling me a stupid b**** repeatedly.

    That's one of the worst episodes he's had.

    Started my istikhara for marriage......... again !!!!

  6. Both of you married too early. You should focussed on getting an education first. Be financially independent. At 16 I was still watching cartoons. Marriage was unthinkable at the time.

  7. Hello sister
    Getting married in a young age its hard work because you need to mature enough to understand marriage is always a hard work but you need to be tough and firm when you are worried.when your husband gets angry give him a glass of water and say bismillah he will calm down.secondly look after yourself make yourself look desirable go to jym or facials because if your doing for your husband its sawab.
    I hope it helps

    • Salaam sister I been through same has you finally I decided to grt divorce because they was no understanding left in between us have given 7 years to marriage but no improvement from his side
      Life comes once I would say give a go once more if not get divorce it's hard for us women but we can't get beaten and abuse everyday
      Tell your parents that's what I did don't stay in silence because you will get depressed like I did

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