Verbal abuse is making me unhappy and bitter; should I stay in this marriage or seek divorce
Asalaamu alaykum,
I am 25 yrs old a married woman of 7 years with two beautiful duaghters. our marriage troubles started two weeks after we got married.my husband claimed he was forced to marry me and that he actually wanted to marry his former fiance. i was devastated obviously! he walk around the house with a picture of her in his pocket! eventually i moved past that.
then in the next 3-4 years he spoke to 5 women sectretly because he knew i wouldnt approve basically having phone affairs. then last year he had a phone affair with my sister and again i was devasted, but eventually i just became numb really because we'v spoken and argued about his behavior over and over again and i just kinda lived my life with him like that.
then the verbal abuse started calling me the ugliest names u can imagine on a daily basis cursing at me in front of my kids has become his second language. and im being to question if i should stay married to him because his behavior is starting to rub off on me! im disliking the person im becoming i fear for my kids .
the only reason i stayed married was because my husband is a very good father to my kids he gives me whatever i need nd want nd is extremely helpful with kids.
but to me his awful verbally abusive! he curses at me all day for no reason at all and it kills me inside i am broken inside i dont knw what to to, because my kids are witnessing the verbal abuse and im begging to stoop to his level because i dont know how to fight back please help. should i have patience because the verbal abusing is turning me into an unhappy bitter person.
aneesa.
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salaam
Adina Mohammadi i don't think that sort of talk is very helpful but instead it is very hurtful if i were in this sisters shoes and asked for help and advice and got a response like yours i would feel very disheartened. If you read very carefully the sister said
* two weeks after we got married.my husband claimed he was forced to marry me and that he actually wanted to marry his former fiance*
she found out after she got married, so she did not marry someone knowing that he was been forced.
secondly she had a choice after this to divorce or try and make things work for the better
and she took a good decesion and tried to make it work this guy sounds very naive
how ever i would add that some of the things the sister ignored was not good if she did not know how to deal with it she should have asked for help, but never the less she is here now asking for help and guidence
FIRST > sister i would advice you to read up on istahara and then with that knowledge do istahara for this situation ask Allah to guide you to the best possible outcome which is good for you your children and your husband
SECOND > sister you need to speak to your parents parents from both sides need to get involved to try and make this guy see sense
if this does not work then you do need to think about getting a mulana or mufti involved that deals with marriage disputes ( WHO HAS KNOWLEDGE FROM THE QURAN OF HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE SITUATIONS)
THEN IF THIS DOES NOT WORK YOUR OTHER OPTION IS TO CONSIDER DIVORCE KEEP THE HAVING MORE CHILDREN BIT ON HOLD TILL YOU ARE ABLE TO SORT OUT YOUR MARRIAGE ISSUES IT WILL HELP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND FUTURE CHILDREN
I AM SURE THE EDITORS WILL ALSO GIVE YOU SOME VERY SUPPORTIVE AND ENCRUGING ADVICE
allah hafiz
Its tough to suggest that you should give your husband a divorce, as you mentioned he's a good father to your children. Of course your children come first. May allah (swt) bless you with a lot of love and rewards for coping with this man because of the sake of your children.
sister your asking for advice and what I would say is you should think about your daughters future. You both arguing of course must have effects on your children and them growing up.
Do you want them to grow up with an image of their childhood full of arguments between their parents? You obviously love your daughters a lot to be coping with your husbands behaviour towards you. So put an end to these arguments. Stop the arguments from becoming your children's bad childhood memory's.
Either divorce him and find someone who's willing to be a good husband as well as a good step dad. its easy said then done. But believe me sister there are people out there. Some who may be in the same situation as you. Your only 25 sister don't waste your life.
There will come a time in your life when your daughters will grow up, get married and move out. So don't think about what's best for now think about the future as well. Get a divorce if you think it will be worth it for your future and your children's upbringing.
Or alternatively sister if you can't let go of him. And have the strength to forgive him for what he has done in the past then sort your marriage out. If he can show love and care for your children then it does show that he is a caring person so maybe you can save your marriage.
Fight for his love, make a change in your marriage life by starting of fresh. Talk to each other about the issues and problems you have with one another. Maybe consider talking with a elder family member who may be able to help you or talk to a marriage councillor.
-You guys need counseling
-If your husband does not stop his behavior, you'll have to decide with the help of someone knowledgeable and experienced if this is the manners you want to pass on to your children.
-I am surprised at why you stayed when he told you that he was forced into the marriage. Giving a chance is good but i think in the desi culture, for fear of people, we are willing to give TOO many chances to something that is clear cut in islam. What marriage will be made between two people when the man already is wanting someone else??
aneesa, your husband's behavior is outrageous and destructive. He keeps another woman's photo in his pocket and carries on an affair with your sister? La hawla wa laa quwwata il-la billah. Personally, I would not tolerate this behavior for a single day.
You say that you stayed with him because he is a good father. But what kind of good father curses his wife verbally in front of the children? How does that make him a good father?
Leave this man before your children lose all respect for you and your relationship with them is destroyed as well.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
AOA,
It is completely futile to tell you what you should and shouldn't have done but I don't know what state of mind you were in when you decided to retain such a dirty person who carries another woman's photo around.
Our children (and wealth) are but trials. Yes you do right by your kids but not at the expense of your own duties to Allah.
Your husband is utterly disgusting and so is your sister! He is not truly good for your daughters as he is polluting their minds with his filthy abuse and damaging the mother of his kids- their main carer.
He has daughters but shows them a so called example of a man by being abusive to you. He is a no good degenerate. It is not all about money and besides you can get child maintenance if you live in a western country and if he's good with the kids he can see them separately.
You don't want to realise too late and waste 10-15 years of your life. What is a so called phone affair anyway, you don't think that these serpents were actually meeting?
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
"Our children (and wealth) are but trials. Yes you do right by your kids but not at the expense of your own duties to Allah."
JazzakAllah khair almost no one mentions that they are nothing but trials.
I would say, let her try to correct his behavior before moving on.
However if she divorces, it might be that he will start acting better as it seems the husband has a problem with her...
I am in a similar situation. I got married last yeah in August to my husband who is Muslim I am of course not a Muslim. Since we have been married I have respected his religion and beliefs and do the things he asks me to do like cover my hair etc. after we got married he told me he was forced it really hurt me when he said that. Since we married he has called me every bad thing u can imagine. I took him and his brother in when they needed a place to live and we got close and then married. But there is not a day that don't pass that he is not angry with me about something. He calls me names like I am the worse women ever and that he can do better and will find another. There is not a week since we married that he has not threatened me with divorce or to take another woman or to leave me. I do a lot for my husband more than any person can imagine and yet he tells me I do nothing for him. I am the one working at the moment and paying the bills and putting food on the table as well as keeping the house and taking care of my 4 year old baby and my husband. My job is a very active one so I am on my feet all the time caring for people. I have made some mistakes myself with regards to my husband which I would easily admit and ask for forgiveness. I am learning about his religion by myself as he is not willing to help me. He don't make time for me and the baby he spends all day on a computer or playing with his phone we hardly talk and when we do it just turns into an argument. I try and talk to him about money matters or bills he gets angry. I feel like I should not breath around him he bites my head of and says nasty things. Today he threw a chocolate bar at me in anger in front of my little girl and then later he grabbed me by my throat and put his fist up to hit me but managed to stop. When he saw me cower. He then later started on me because my brother texted to ask if I am ok. Because he asked if I was ok my husband then told me he will find another woman then when I asked why he is being like this he told me I should go and have sex with my brother. That has really devastated me as my husband said that knowing I have spent my life being abused sexually and physically. I am so unhappy I can't talk to him or Even have a say in anything he is always putting me down and saying nasty Hurtful things. I am dad to say that the way my husband has treated me that today I snapped and hit him mainly because of what he said I should do with my brother. That is a sick thing to say and I can't believe a person of god could say such things or so such things. I love my husband a lot but he is making me unhappy and is not behaving like a Muslim man should. I have tried my best to look up what I can about Islam, Allah and what the Quran says but it is hard when your doing it alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a child which is not from my husband but he throws in my face that she is not his and the other week he said if I want him to stay I should get rid of my child to her father. I also do not know what to do or who to turn to about all this. Please is anyone can advice me.
Jeannette, if you want your question to be read by many people and receive advice from them, then please log in and write your question as a separate post. However, the answer is clear: you should divorce this man. He is abusive and is quite simply a bad man. I am a Muslim and I believe in Islam, but I am ashamed that such a man as this is a Muslim. This guy is bad for you in every way and you should really kick him out of the house and divorce him, or move out yourself and don't give him your new address.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor