Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Verbal and physical abuse by my husband

Help is available to escape domestic abuse

Help is available to escape domestic abuse

Al Salamu Aleik my dear Brothers and Sisters,

I am married since one year at age of 24. I was a happy girl with a very loving family who have never beaten or called me bad names. I was a quiet and not difficult child.

My marriage is a nightmare.
Since the very first week my husband started to verbally and emotionally abusing me and calling me and my family all the bad words that exist in the world. Once he even accused my Autistic nephew of only 5 years of stealing money when they came visit our new house. Then he found later the money.

I have never told my family because I always believed that If I kept strong and quiet and talk later when he calms down ..we can work it out.
Unfortunately the effectiveness of that talk..last only half a day.

He has started since half year also abusing me physically. I have bruises all over my face, arms and legs. Believe me, the words hurt more than the kicks.
Recently I could not take it longer and I have started yelling back at him.
Deep down in my heart I know he will never change and I dont want children because I know they have to face this abuse towards me, which I do not want my enemy to feel.

I can not divorce because my sister has once been divorced(from engagement) and I dont want my family to put on shame. NOBODY knows what he does to me and I always cover for him. Even when they saw my body I told that there was a fight on street.

What can I do? What should I Do? PLease help me. I hate my husband now whilst I loved him so much 🙁
I really hate him. I know a good wife is not allowed to think or say this but I can not forget all the dirty words he told me and my family

Thank you my dear brothers and sisters


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13 Responses »

  1. He will never change. Staying in this relationship is not going to help you or your family. Have you noticed any psychological sexual issues with him? Has the threatened to divorce you or harm you physically? Is there any citizenship issue involved?

  2. Assalamualikum Dear Sister,

    Sister use your rights, why are you torturing yourself? Please don't bear it! Please! Such a man don't deserve you. If you start caring for your family then you will never be happy this way. Please use the power Allah has given you. If you keep on bearing, your destroying yourself and your life as well. Please set an example for women to take their rights rather than just bearing. I literally weep when I hear such a case where women bear for sake of family. Please get hold on your life. You have a life that you have a right over to live happily.

    ALLAH Knows Best.

  3. Salam.

    No one deserves to be treated this way by anyone, you need to leave as soon as possible. I am sure your family won't want you to go through this.

  4. Pack your bags when he is not home, leave, and don't look back.

    Shame, and shaming your family... Who cares! Don't stay if he is hurting you. He is crazy, he will always be crazy. This is not a home for children.

  5. Please leave as soon as possible. Your family will support, understand and love you

  6. It doesn't matter if your sister is divorced, your safety and wellbeing are much more important than "what will people think". You don't have anything to be shameful of, it is your husband who should be ashamed of himself for physically abusing you, and anyone who shuns you for leaving such a situation should also be ashamed of themselves. A time comes in life when we must stop caring about what others think, and put ourselves first.

  7. It's his shame sister, he is an abusive man and make it clear to everyone, warn ll women about abusive men, and don't let another woman fall into the trap of abuse and then feel ashamed.

    Just leave him, you don't want anymore bruises. There are many many other kind,patient and loving men out there.

  8. Asalaam Walaikum.

    You say your sister has been divorced from engagement .... an engagement isnt marriage so if an engagement breaks it isnt a divorce.

    Nevertheless you are a Queen in Islam and thats how you should be treat. I fear the abuse will get worse and like you say it will.impact and damage your children. Hold conversations with close friends or family and then pray Isthikhara and then follow your heart.

    No one deserves to live like this. Your Husband will have to answer for his actions infront of Allah like we all will ... so let that atleast give you a bit of comfort even though justice may never be done in this dunya.

    May Allah nakenit easy for you and make whatever decision you make the right one ... Ameen.

  9. I know the mindset you have. Alot of women in abusive relationship think the man will change and feel ashamed if anyone finds out about the abuse.

    This is not sure. You deserve to be treated nicely like the way your family used to treat you. My sister was abused and never told anyone and her husband ended up divorcing her.

    I know it's hard, but just leave him. It takes a great amount of courage, but when he is not home, grab all your stuff as much as you can and leave. He will be punished for what he has done to you. And you will feel so much better after leaving him.

    I saw that you said you love and hate him at th e same time. The feeling of love you call is th e hope of you thinking he will change. This type of man will not change.

    Find a job, go to school do whatever you can to be independent and you live a much happier life.

    I will pray for you ♡

  10. Sister ,

    You need to come out of this situation .Go and show your marks to your parents and tell them how bad is your marriage .

    There is no good thing which can come out from staying in this abusive marriage .Take your parents help to come out of this situation .

  11. Salaam Sister, Leave that Scumbag and go back to your family (your family will be destroyed if you don't tell them of your pain and misery) Please listen to the people on here (good advice is the greatest blessing we have as an ummah) I know people like this and they DONT change, they are broken and should be avoided (they are ILL)


  12. Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

    May Allah swt protect and keep you safe always, Ameen,

    I read your post and I can understand exactly what you are feeling. I have a similar story...but mine is about 12 years in the past Alhamdulillah. I got married at 18 years old to an abusive man. He was abusive in all ways, but yes, the verbal was the least that is what I thought for a long time. I too took the abuse in tortured silence. I told no one for years. And just like you, the hate slowly started building up inside me and replaced any love that I felt. He unfairly said bad things about my family and myself and accused me of doing every evil under the sun (which I didn't do). And I was not allowed to say anything. Eventually we got divorced and my life took a bad path for a while. But Alhamdulillah, I found Allah swt and things are much better now.

    I decided to respond to you because I don't want you to make the mistakes that I did Insha'Allah. Don't remain silent, don't stay with him for the few bitter sweet memories or the love you once felt or the fear of leaving. What he is doing is very wrong and will have long lasting psychological and emotional effects on you (which is actually the worst part I now believe). I did not talk to anyone or deal with the effect of my abuse, and it was very bad for me and any future relationships I had. Alhamdulillah I am now happily married to an awesome guy...but it took a long time, and hard work for me to overcome my issues from my previous marriage (still not completely gone, but Insha'Allah its a work in progress).

    People can change, but ONLY if they want to and with Allah's help. There is always a reason why people become like that. I'm not saying it's acceptable by any standards, I'm just saying that he may have had a bad childhood or something. However, there is very, very little chance that he will change if you just stay there. I cannot tell you to divorce him, but you need to leave and you need to get help. Your family will want what is best for you iA. And you may be embarrassed to tell them (I was embarrassed), but they are your family and our family just wants us to be happy (well mostly, at least 🙂 ). Ask Allah swt for help and believe that He swt will help you.

    I hope everything works out in a way that is best for you, your family and yes, even your husband, Ameen.

    PS - It is extremely important that you deal with your emotions and feelings regarding the abuse...don't let it linger and/or fester. Insha'Allah talk it out and when you are able to, forgive him will be better for you.


  13. Dear Sister,

    Talk to him one last time and give him an ultimatum that if he's gonna abuse you verbally or physically then it's over.

    If he does it again, then leave him. Inshallah you will find a better person who will treat you with respect.

    Stop worrying about what others might think. You are not doing anything wrong. The wrong one is the husband. And the people who think whatever about you are not the ones in the relationship and not the ones suffering so they won't understand. So stop thinking about them. It is Allah who gives respect to people and it is Allah who takes respect away from people, so have trust in Allah do Istikhara and proceed.

    May Allah give you the strength to face the challenges of life.

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