Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Verbal/emotional abuse a few months into nikah

muslim woman holding onto quran

Assalamalikum,

I am in a difficult situation that is eating me up inside and would greatly appreciate advice. I recently got nikah and have been unhappy since. I thought it would make us closer and had a positive outlook but it has not gone that way. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and says hurtful things and brings up the past when he gets angry. We are fighting every day and I don't know what to do.

When we first met, he was a respectful, understanding person but over time, he has become this person full of anger. He still has his nice moments, which I try to remind myself, but I have so much anger and resentment from the things he says and does when he is angry, like throwing or punching things. There are times that I am scared of physical abuse...

I feel that the respect in our relationship is gone. I am also going through a stressful time with family so everything is piling up and at times, it is too much for me to handle, to the point where I have suicidal thoughts. I understand people get mad but what is taking it too far? When is the arguing too much? He says things like, we should have never gotten married, there are other girls he can be with and do things with, calls me names... he went from being a religious person to someone who says and wants to do haram things and is forceful in doing things.

I've tried to be patient, telling myself everyone has trials, but I do lose it at times, it's too much stress. Honestly, sometimes I do not feel a connection with Allah and feel forgotten about. I tried to do things the right way and now I feel that if this doesn't work out, I may never get married, which would be so hard on my parents.

This has made me into this negative person, though I try not to show it on the outside. Now, I hate the talk of  marriage or hearing about other people getting married and being so happy, especially when some of these people aren't practicing Muslims and some don't even believe in Allah. I don't know what to do with this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.

ruby1234

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14 Responses »

  1. Walaikum as Salam sister,

    I know exactly how you feel, I know the power the words can have over a person and I know because I've been verbally abused too. And I know what you mean by feeling negative towards happily married couples. I've been married for five years now but I have a gift, a blessing that helps me go on.... I forget and forgive everyword that hurts me before I go to sleep. When I wake up the next day I wake up with a smile because I don't remember what happened the previous day. Yes there are word's that are stuck to my brain.... being called useless,good for nothing, bi***, and all that when my husband gets angry... I know how you feel it's better to die than just go through all of this but is it worth? Is dying worth this pain we go through? Is losing Jan nah forever worth this pain? I think not! Id rather suffer this than losing Jannah forever.I know it is hard, I know it is difficult but please don't give up so soon.... you are still in your early months of marriage. You know what hurts people like this most? When their words don't have an impact on us! They will keep taunting you and torturing you till you break down, be strong! Don't give them the satisfaction. This is all a test. Don't lose hope. I know you are different than me... my strength is that I forget and you surely are blessed with a gift too.discover your gift. You will be able to handle anything that the world throws at you because you have one strength on your side and you needn't need more. You have Allah with you and you need no one else. Complain to him because he is the best of hearers. Ask his help because he is the best of helpers. People may turn you around but he never will. Take out a hobby.... meet new people. Vent out your frustration by drawing,scribbling or writing. Don't keep your emotions bottled up inside. This will lead to suicidal thoughts.... free yourself.... learn to live for yourself. Be happy because there are many people out there suffering more than we are and just trust..... Trust the most merciful because he doesn't burden anyone more than a soul can bear.... Things will be better soon... trust him and pray to him and handle as much as you can handle. The day your burden gets too much to bear,Allah himself will free you of that burden because remember he doesn't burden a soul more than it can bear.

    You'll be in my duas
    Fatima

    • Assalam Aleikum W.r W.b,

      Oh wow! What an amazing advice. MashaAllah sister Fatima. May Allah SWT make it easy on all of us. Ameen

      NB/ Just a side note; please use capital letters when referring to Allah SWT, such as He ... Him ... etc

      Best,
      SisterZahriya

      • Walaikum ad Salam sister Zahriya jazakallahu khair for the appreciation and for the advice In sha Allah I will surely keep it in mind next time

        • Waiyakum sister Fatima.

          May Allah SWT open doors for all of us going through His trial, and may He make us pass the tests with success in this world and the hereafter. Ameen.

          SisterZahriya

    • Sister fatimamuslimah,

      You say:

      "I know you are different than me... my strength is that I forget and you surely are blessed with a gift too.discover your gift. You will be able to handle anything that the world throws at you because you have one strength on your side and you needn't need more. You have Allah with you and you need no one else. Complain to him because he is the best of hearers. Ask his help because he is the best of helpers. People may turn you around but he never will."

      This is so empowering and consoling sister.... Alhamdulillah may Allah reward you and sister Ruby with the high places in Jannah.

      Nor

  2. Assalaamualaykum Sister Ruby,

    I will inshallah make it back here to respond to some of your other concerns, but I would like to advise you on a few particulars right now. Inshallah Allah will make this test easy for you.

    You say:

    "I've tried to be patient, telling myself everyone has trials, but I do lose it at times, it's too much stress."..."This has made me into a negative person, though I try not to show it on the outside."

    Sister it sounds like you are trying your best, and your response to this situation is a natural one. I would like to suggest that the first thing you try to do while in this temporary situation, after making abundant dua to Allah whenever and if you are able, is to try not to beat yourself up about the way you are reacting. Anyone in your situation would have ups and downs where one moment they are "getting by on the positives," so to speak, and other times feel like throwing in the towel. It is a testament to your faith in Allah and your mental strength that you are even able to think positive and ease your own pain at times. You do believe deep down inside that there is hope.

    "Now, I hate the talk of marriage or hearing about other people getting married and being so happy."

    You can't know for sure what is really going on in someone else's life. But whatever it is, it is best to try not to compare it to your life. We are each here to pass our own tests and live our own lives. If they are truly that happy, then their experience and their test, at least at this time in their lives, is not comparable to yours. If it was, they'd be feeling the same way as you are. You are most likely going through something much different and Allah will compensate you for the difficulty you are experiencing.

    Inshallah I will return to this.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  3. Sister Ruby,

    Sisterfatima has done a beautiful job of addressing your situation, so I just have a few things to add:

    You say:

    "I am also going through a stressful time with family so everything is piling up and at times, it is too much for me to handle, to the point where I have suicidal thoughts."

    When this stress overload happens and it becomes unbearable, try to remind yourself that it is ok to take: one step at a time, one day at a time, one thing at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time.... Whichever of these you need to tell yourself to feel the burden lifted in any given moment, is perfectly fine.

    Also, I read a quote once that might help you in particularly difficult moments:

    Don't stress,
    Do your best,
    Forget the rest

    Essentially, do whatever it is that you can do and is in your power to do (and Allah knows best what this is regardless of what anyone else thinks), and know that Allah will handle the rest, as He created you.

    I wish you all the best sister. May Allah lighten your burden and light the way to peace and happiness.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  4. Asalaamualaikum Ruby1234,

    I am sorry for what you are going through. No one deserves to be mistreated by others, especially not by their spouse. The sisters have all given you very soothing and comforting advice, so I will just add a little more.

    Patience is not suffering in silence. Patience is not enduring mistreatment. Patience is when you take whatever steps you need to take to help yourself out of this painful and difficult situation with Allah in your heart. Our instincts guide us but we sometimes ignore them. Don't ignore them. They're like an in built alarm system, warning us.

    I am sure you have tried to speak to your husband about this. But have you really opened up and told him clearly how he makes you feel? If you feel frightened that he will become physically violent, then you need to distance yourself from him and find a safe way to communicate with him - perhaps by speaking to a trustworthy family member who has both of your best interests at heart.

    Ultimately, Ruby1234, only you know your full situation so only you can choose what the right course of action is. Seek guidance from Allah. He has not left you. Then do something to improve your situation. Don't settle. Don't compromise your mental and physical wellbeing. And don't fear the future. Only you can make that change.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com

  5. I recommend getting a divorce if he's abusive and you can't take it. You're emotional status was normal, prolonged emotional or physical abuse will change that. Sure he has problems but if you're going to start hating Allah, then this isn't good for your faith.

    Also, if he is abusive, your life in terms of your after life can be at risk. This is something you should determine but as you've described it I think it's time to end the marriage. Just him saying this:

    "He says things like, we should have never gotten married, there are other girls he can be with and do things with"

    is enough to end the marriage. He should go be with those other girls, he shouldn't think that you're holding him back. And the fact that he feels that way means he's married to you but doesn't want to be. That's why we have divorce. And in your case you have no kids, you just got married, so right now it's a great time to end it and let him get what he wants. I hope things work out with you inshallah.

  6. Assalaamualaykum sister ruby1234,

    I've been thinking a lot about your situation and have to say, with some difficulty, that I also believe divorce is the best option for you, for all the reasons that "M" states and more:

    He's clearly abusive and I believe you will be expending too much of your energy just either learning to manage your reactions and/or fighting against the abuse. This shouldn't have to be the mission of your entire life, but in your situation and the way he's already treating you, there's a chance that it will be. There are people that learn to do it, but it's usually after they've invested years in the marriage, and they sometimes do it by transferring and taking out their anger and pain on an innocent third party, like their own child...it's only natural to need an outlet for what is excruciating pain. Therefore, if you have the strength to leave at this time, I think that is better for you.

    Please don't be deceived into thinking emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse is ok and the only time to worry is if he threatens physical abuse. Prolonged emotional abuse can be much worse...it affects your mental health, which in turn affects your entire physical well-being (so it in fact is also physical abuse), and because the scars are not visible, it makes it difficult to explain to others and get the support you need...it can be done if you hire a therapist, but it can also get to the point where you feel like absolutely nobody in the whole world will understand your pain (it's that bad)...after all, the person doesn't act that way in public...only at home. So then you think, "what's the point of even talking about it?"...which in turn leads to isolation.

    You're newly married with no children, Alhamdulillah. If this kind of behavior continues from him and there is an atmosphere of tension, fighting, the police showing up, etc., any children would suffer tremendously...not to mention you, yourself.

    Because you have not been in this marriage very long, you have not invested very much in it or in the management of the situation and pain, so it would most likely be easier to leave now, even if it hurts, than to endure years of pain. The latter is just not a life or a path I can honestly recommend to you if you can at all avoid it. Some people might say that there are no guarantees in life and that you may not find a better situation, but in my understanding of faith, we have to do the best we can with the knowledge we do have, which includes our instincts and feelings, and allow Allah the Almighty to sort out the rest.

    I believe in you ruby1234, and I believe you are capable of making the best decision for yourself, as SisterZ states.

    Allah knows best. May Allah please forgive me for any mistakes I have made in my post, and guide you to peace through His abundant mercy and love.

    Hugs,

    Nor

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