Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Verbally aggressive fiancé

verbal abuse, psychological abuse

Salam everyone.

So for some context, I've known the guy I've been engaged to for a year now. He was amazing for the first 6 months but recently he's been showing his true colors and becomes very verbally abusive, even cursing at me. He will also call me stupid, an idiot, and anything you can think of when he's angry.

When we are together we usually have a great time.  He's a very nice guy most of the time but when he loses his temper it gets really bad. He will sometimes go a day or two ignoring me.

I am a very calm person and I stay quiet when he acts this way. I wait until after he has calmed down to confront him but it's useless because he will never apologize. Most of the time he will say I deserved it. I feel as though he does not care for my feelings when he's angry.

i believe his upbringing has a lot to do this because his brothers treat their wives similarly. They are a selfish bunch.  He's a lot better and different from his brothers, but recently I do not know if that is true anymore. He even acts this way during Ramadan (aside from cursing at me).

i don't know what to do. I love him, I really do but this is all getting so hard. Does anyone have advice on how to go about this? I've tried everything by threatening to leave him (which then he apologized and said he will get better... but went right back to his bad habits a week later)- to threatening to tell his mother all the bad things he says.


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8 Responses »

  1. Salam i think u should end the engagement, u arent even married yet and he is treating you so horribly. Have u prayed istiqhara regarding ur decision as yet. U said u love him and i know that it will be difficult but can u see ur self being treated this way for the next few years , u r already at ur limit according to ur post. Can u see it escalating when ur married?

    Please make a decision that will benefit u in the long run no matter how painful it might be for just a few months.

  2. salaam sister

    Get Out while the going is Good! Allaah swt wishes for the two spouses to live in loving Harmony, and Not in Abuse!

  3. Sister,

    You may love this man however, the fact that he is verbally abusive towards you should serve as a warning. Listen well.

    A man who has no respect for you and speaks down to you is not a man to take for a husband. If you think for one moment that things will get better after you marry him, think again. It will not.

    You should reconsider your decision to marry this man as it could be the biggest mistake you ever make. Allah hu Alem.


  4. I strongly suggest you end the engagement right now. For one, your fiancé sounds like he's a person with too many psychological issues that you have no way to fix for him. Secondly, he definitely seems to possess some classic qualities of an abuser. To be honest, I don't know why you're confused about what the right thing to do is. From where I'm standing, the right thing is clearly to end the engagement and cut contact to this man and his weird family that also seem to consist of abusers.

  5. Asalaamu alaikum Sister,

    Based on the limited info in your post and without knowing man, I have to completely agree with other comments. The fact that he is already prior to marriage is unleashing his anger on you is a very bad sign and a warning. Don't fall into the trap of convincing yourself that you love him or that he is somehow special.

    I have seen too many of these situations. You know what the right answer is in your heart. Have the courage to listen to that.

    It is Always better to live a single life in peace and respect than be trapped with someone that is angry and crushes you with negativity.

    May Allah guide both of you to whats best.


    • Salaam
      My Dad was the same to my mom before they got married and things only got worse after they got married. And the people who suffered the most is my mother and her children. Am not saying this will happen to you but its really not worth the risk. Sometimes its better to go through a short period of having a broken heart then to live a life of difficulties and abuse just for love.

      May Allah make things easy for.

  6. PLEASE thank Allah that he is showing you this guy's true face before marriage. Accept this gift of knowing from Allah and do NOT marry this guy.
    Break the engagement, and then read 2 nafl namaz of thankfulness and peace

    • Asalaamu Alaikum,

      I completely agree, have seen too many of these problems, and people kicking themselves for not being brave enough to trust their instincts and end the engagement. My opinion is that these hints of aggression are sneak peaks to what will occur in marriage. Marriage reveals the raw truthful reality of both sides. So if you have some clues about this, take it as a warning from God and move on. Remember your own self-worth and remember that marriage is Not the key to happiness, your relationship as a human being to your Creator is the only path to fulfillment.

      May Allah The Exalted make it easy for you and all those in similar situations, ameen.

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