Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Very disrespectful son/brother

Asalam Alakum Everyone,

I need some honest, sincere and Islamic advise based on the following issues my parents are and have been experiencing with my brother, and whether he deserves to be thrown out of the house:-

- My brother is very disrespectful to my parents in different ways, this includes in the following ways:-

- He attacks my father from time to time- this includes arguing with him
- Kicking him physically, may be pushing as well
- He has physically hit my dad in the past many times
- He has even attacked and abused, sworn at my mother many times.
- He has stolen money from my parents and from my self in the past
- He has taken money from us including myself by telling lies and deceit
- He regularly behaves very selfishly by expecting my father to give him a lift where ever and when ever he needs, this even includes to a shop that is about a 5-7 minutes walk.
- He gets tobacco from my mum and dad as he smokes tobacco
- Doesn't take responsibility for hardly anything this includes, not doing the house shopping, and keeping his room dirty with tobacco mess and smell.
- When I used to live with my parents I have helped him in countless ways this includes lending him money so many times, giving him lifts as and when he demands, dropping him to work (when ever he did work) dropping and collecting him from college(when he used to study).

Please note the following information about him:-

- He is going to be 38 years old
- He is still living with my parents in their 3 bed room house-My mum is in her 60's and my father is going to be 70.
- He is single and unemployed
- He has had a drug addiction, and is currently taking a medication called methadone? I believe, but to be honest I am not entirely sure of he is yet clean from drugs as it is very hard to trust or believe some one is when they have had a ring addiction
- He doesn't pray, or fast as he doesn't take religion seriously.

Based on this story , would you say my parents have done the wrong/sinful things by giving him tobacco/cigarettes to smoke almost every day, giving him lifts by car as and when he needs regardless how short the distance may be, allowed themselves to be abused, and physically attacked for such a long time, buying food and drink for him at their own expense.

Believe me my parents and myself have done our utmost best to help him as far as we possibly and physically have been able to as you can see from the story I have given.

The best thing would be to throw him out of the house with our exception? if not what on earth are any parents supposed to do under these circumstances? as my parents have had enough of him, they are old pensioners and can not cope with this behaviour anymore and they plan to get some special medical staff to take him away to live separately.

I look forward to your honest and sincere advise.



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4 Responses »

  1. To me, it doesn't sound like your brother is clean at all. He's probably lying to you, as most, if not all, drug addicts do. You cannot trust a word they say...

    Your brother's behaviour is absolutely disgusting, unacceptable and wrong - but, in all honesty, you are all enabling him by allowing him in to your lives. I understand your position, but, in the end of the day, if someone has no respect for you in your own house, and even goes as far as physically abuse you, steal from you and make you very unhappy, they should not be welcome in your home.

    Your parents are a bit elderly, too, they should not have to worry about looking after a young, capable man that's just a spoiled brat with issues. Change the locks, don't give him any money and let him experience what life is like with no loving family's support. Maybe that will motivate him to actually lift his arse and go to rehab. If not, then, well...he's not your problem to worry about. I mean, you'll obviously worry, but it's better to worry from a distance than suffer daily abuse.

  2. Assalaamualaykum besincere,

    I just wanted to make a few points.

    Methadone is used for helping people to wean off drugs, so if your parents are paying for that, then that's not a problem. However, if they are giving him regular handouts in an amount high enough to buy drugs, they should definitely stop doing this! It is enabling the continuation of his addiction.

    If he is unemployed and employable, he should be searching for employment. If your parents are fine with him living at home, that's noone's business...every family has their dynamic and living at home in itself is not a problem. However, if he is abusing them as you describe, hitting them and kicking them, then they have the right to protect themselves by whatever means possible, including prohibiting his living there. I don't believe there is anything unislamic about taking such measures to protect oneself. The nature of drug addiction is such that the addict acts very unpredictably and he could seriously hurt anyone at anytime, even when, and maybe especially when weaning off of drugs.

    So the measure your parents are taking, which includes medical personnel taking him away, seems appropriate and valid.

    May Allah grant your family peace and your brother recovery.



  3. For the entire situation of so long years you and your parents together are responsible for and to be blamed for

    Reasons :-

    * He should have been slapped hard just once when he touched the tobacco that too from your parents, but they gave him

    * When asked for money telling fake reasons you all should have co verified the same and if found fake really again a tight SLAP than and there.. But you all didnt co verify

    * About the Lift part, well this man doesnt works didnt do any household chores, well than where he always wanted to go by taking lift. No work nothing than going where? Again that very moment one hard SLAP should have been given. Never in his dreams would have he compelled for the so called LIFT thing. But you all didnt do that yet kept giving Lifts

    So in short. You all should have taught him a lesson whenever he was wrong for the 1st time but you all kept encouraging him by following what he said and made you all do. Ultimately it became a habbit for him

    Anyways the gist to it as per my understanding reading your post sister, he doesnt needs any medical help. He is perfectly fine and OVER SMART. Rather than calling a MEDICAL assistant call the COPS and let them take him away for being VIOLENT. 2 days he will stay in the lock up all his nuisance will get out in form of sweat and wouldnt dare to do any such thing again. Get him out from the Jail only after taking an undertaking from him written that he wouldnt be violent towards your old parents. That would be more than enough for him before if he again even thinks of being same monster.

    All the Very Best !!

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