He is violent and blame it on me.
Salam Alaykom,
I have been married to my husband for 5 years and have two little girls with him. From the start he has been lying to me about things. He also can be harsh and cold to me. When I talk to him about not being understanding or compassionate of my feelings or question his lying, he gets very aggressive and starts to talk very disrespectful to me. He gets mean and VERY hurtful and has been physically aggressive as well. Whenever we discuss something, he turns it into an argument and then becomes very mean.
He has cheated on me, disrespected me in many ways, lies to me, and does not honor or value me or our marriage. When he is mad at me he tells me he doesn´t love or care for me, and that he regrets marrying me etc. At this point, I am emotionally and mentally broken. I do not know what to do anymore.
I have told him to seek help and/or advice from the Imam and for us to get marriage counseling but he refuses. He believes he does no wrong and he justifies everything he does. Most blame is put on me. Bottom line, he has no respect for me as his wife and mother of his children and nor does he have respect for this marriage. I need advice! Thank You...Salams
- omdania
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As salamu alaykum, sister Omdania,
I don´t know why a person so sound and balanced can attract a man with such a character, you aren´t the first person I meet in this circumstances and it really cause me a great deal of impotence to see this people that believe they are great and doing their best humilliating and "killing" others, little by little, disminishing their wish to live, Allah(swt) forbids.
You haven´t said much about your situation, but you mentioned you have already talked to him and have approached him asking for counselling and he doesn´t listen.
Seeing this, first step is to let him very clear in a very quiet voice, just once, if he disrespect you or insult you, Please, respect me in the way I respect you and move on, never, fight against him, let him listen to his own words as they are an echo, don´t make his problems your problems, he has to acknowledge he has a problem and look for help, but if you tell him, he will react telling that the problem lies on you or that you are causing his problems, don´t enter this game, stay out from it, insha´Allah. ("Audhu billahi minash shaytani rajim")
If he gets physically agressive, call the police, directly, is not the first time, he needs someone to stop his feet, what happens if he lose control? You have two children to think on and your own being is more than important, he would have to look other way to solve his rage episodes without using you as a punching bag, Allah(swt) forbids he does it again.
My personal opinion will be to separate from him, he is too used to abused you, he has made a routine of it, only Allah(swt) knows if he will change or not. And this function as a cycle, they seem normal and we don´t know why they enter a spiral of lack of respect and violence, we don´t know how or why and we finished smashed like a potatoe, the problem is that this become so normal that when we want to react we are so weak that we can´t, we had made their words and wishes a reality, we lack of the emotional, psycological and physical strength to take decisions to save our own life, that is why I am so glad you wrote here, you are a healthy woman, he is a sick man, you are still strong to change your life and be the woman you came to this world to be, don´t let this man smashed you anymore, you are a muslimah, a woman and a mother that deserves all the respect from everyone, begining from the people closer to you, and if they are not able to appreciate you and give you what you deserve, stay straight and put this people with destructive habits as far as you can from you and your children, insha´Allah
Take care of yourself and your children, look for counselling yourself and learn and accept you deserve better than this, and your children too. Careful about telling about your movements to him, he is agressive and you don´t know how he could react when he knows his "property" wants to leave him, move slowly and tell your family about it to have their support, please tell them about your fears, I am not talking for free, he has traspassed the barreer of the emotional to the physical abuse, then this kind of people you don´t know how they can react, Allah (swt) forbids, when they feel their "prey"i s not as weaker as they thought.
I am sorry for being so harsh, but it seems to me you have stood so much, time to say enough is enough, but I am sure you will say it at the right time and you will be being guided by Allah(swt) for the best for all of you, Masha´Allah.
May Allah(swt) ease your way, help and guide you in every step you take for the best for all of us. Ameen.
All my unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Alaykom Sister Maria,
Jazakallah khair for your sincere care and advice!! I really take what you said to heart!! Insha'Allah all for the best, Ameen!!
Salams
-OmDania
Assalamu alaykum Sister OmDania,
Not all husbands would be comfortable and willing to meet an imaam for problems they have with their wives. We have many sisters wanting to go to the imam but the husbands do not agree. We should know that men want to keep a "good name" in the mosque and society around them and even going to an Imam would be something they would not want to do. So do not push him for that if he is not willing to.
Is your husband from the States as well? Or there are differences in your outlook towards life due to different countries of upbringing, if he is an Arab but not brought up in the States?
The "reactions" of couples towards each other also depend on their "perspective" and "problem solving" approach to different situations in a manner which they are used to practice and develop since childhood. Sometimes, some problems look superficial but have depth and reasons for their occurance. This may be due to the formation of a personality of a person over time his resultant approach to situations in life which may have moulded his behavior.
I have a few questions that come up in mind:
1. Did your husband have past habits of living an "easy" life?
2. Did he have contacts with women (even friends) before your marriage to him?
3. Did he feel like he is "tied" up by marrying you? Could you feel it from his behavior?
4. You chose him by your choice, what made you choose this man as a husband?
5. After marriage how much did you feel that he failed to keep up to the "expectations" with which you married him?
6. Do you ever regret making this choice? If yes, how soon after marriage you realized it?
7. You have two kids with him, did you never find stability or see a good future in this relationship?
8. Did you have hopes of any good coming out of this relationship after his abusive behavior was manifest to you?
9. If yes, what made you think this could work out?
10. If you thought this could go nowhere, when did this thought come to your mind first? and since then what "decision" could you come down to?
If you could answer these questions, I believe we could have a more clear way of knowing how things unfolded from the begining, how you felt in between and what has your mind "advised" you before us?
Insha Allah, we can then work out with a better approach to the situation, if there is hope in you to work this out.
My du'aas with you and your kids and may Allah ease your life and bring happiness in it.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Salams Brother Muniib,
You raise many questions that I have asked myself many times before! I knew my husband through family, he asked my brother if he can get engage to me and one day marry. Both my parents have past on so that is why he asked my brother. I was raised in the states and he was raised in Yemen, but it seems that i understand and respect our culture and roots than he does. We casually kept contact with each other in the beginning through phone, or computer, not psychical. He was very loving, caring, and compassionate towards me and vowed that he would always respect me and never hurt me. I believed him! I eventually fell in-love with him (or who I thought he was). Soon after marriage things started to change, i noticed his behavior was changing. He would lie about small things and then eventually not being up front at all. Four months after marriage I got pregnant, something we both wanted. He did have female associates but promised to put it to an end because it was not respectful or moral for him to have female friends because he is married and to respect my feelings of that, but I found out that he was secretly texting women behind my back. Soon, the name calling, disrespecting, deceitfulness, and then physical confrontation started. I guess i was in such denial and hurt that i didnt want to accept that this was my husband, or my life...so I tried to make excuses for his actions to myself. The man I fell in love with is not the man i married! When i was pregnant with my second child, i had a very difficult pregnancy. I was hospitalized for a month and then put on bed rest. I hoped that because of the difficulty i had with the second pregnancy that he would open his eyes and change! I was wrong! At times he regrets his actions and tells me he loves me and needs me in his life...but then as soon as he gets upset with me he turns it all around. He does not respect me or our marriage according to what is right, what Allah (SWT) says is right, and what our culture says is right. I have tried so hard from my end to do what I can to help us...but he leaves everything on my shoulders and its breaking me. I feel stuck because I have two little girls that love their father so much and I know if i left it would break their hearts!!! I dont know what to do, i am confused, hurt, disappointed, and have now become like a cold robot so i wont get hurt anymore. My academics are suffering, my relationship with family is suffering and I feel that i am trapped. if only he could see what he does, and feel my pain! I love my husband, deep inside, but i cannot continue this way. I am lost!
Salaams,
Sister, if you are truly in a dangerous or violent situation, the number one priority right now is safety for you and your children. Unfortunately, conventional solutions like working out your personality differences or fixing gaps in your communication patterns are only effective in relationships where abuse is absent. In abusive relationships, the strategies required to balance the situation are often a bit more intense, starting with putting a safety plan in action. If you can let us know which country you are writing from, we would be happy to provide you with some helpful resources to get you started. In the mean time I would suggest finding a relative you trust to stay with, but make sure you don't tell him your plans as this could trigger him to be violent and stop you from leaving. I agree that you should involve law enforcement if he comes at you physically, but you must try to contact them in a way he is not aware that you are doing so. All of those questions you were advised to ask yourself are fine, but get your family to safety first before you delve into the "why's and wherefore's" of the relationship itself.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
SIster Omdania.
Do not go for a lengthy process to save or end this marriage.
Talk to your family or his family or a senior member in any of the families whom your husband would also listen.
If there is no such option then you need to do it your own, you said he has no respect for your, your children. I dont understand what are you waiting for? If it is so unbearable for you to live with him, then you can end this marriage, but if this is not as serious to end it, then you can talk and continue the marriage.
If a woman asks for a divorce without a valid and genuine reason, then she may not be able to enter Jannah or even smell the fragrance of Jannah ( Hadith).
If he has any issues with you then rectify yourself and be good to him as well. As in some cases the issues would be from both the sides. Allah Knows the best.
Try to collect some references and Prophet's advices from the zawaj.com articles and explain to your husband. If he has a bit of Iman, he would change if he refuses, then you are not suppose to live with a Fasikh or Munkir Husband.
Remember Allah Knows the best and He is watching you and me and the rest.
Salam Alaykom Brothers and Sisters,
Thank You so much for your advice and concern. I am so grateful to Allah (SWT) to have such supportive outlets like that of family and sites like this!! JazakAllah khair!!!
I feel like I have lost my love, my life, and my best friend! I am crushed, hurt, and lost. I keep my faith in Allah (SWT) and pray that he shall guide my way...!!! Thank You all again for your care, insha'Allah all things for the best!!!
Salams
OmDania