Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He is violent with me, which are my rights? Please help me.

abuse violent physical beat

I have been married for 3 years now. Since the begining of our marriage my husband would slap, push, kick and shove me along with verbally abusing me with words that would be said to a prostitute. Mind you he married me out of love, and literally begged me to accept him in marriage.

 Every couple argues, except us. The simplest arguements escelate to fights where he gets in my face, then pushes me and then slaps or punches me. The first big injury happened in front of my friend. We had been fighting all day and he had been pushing and shoving me around the house while he yelled. By the end of the day I couldn´t take the pushing and shoving so I hit his chest to get him away from me, and after that moment I was knocked out of consciousness. He took a punch to my face right by my nose and eye. I woke up to my friend lifting me out of conciousness and blood everywhwere on our couches and the floor. I ended up with a blue face and black eye for 2 weeks. I had to lie to my family and co-workers about my severely injured appearance.

 After many episodes of violence, he managed one time to hit my face so hard that he tore my eardrum and made me lose 30% of my hearing. He has sworn on our sons life that he will not hit me, but he hasn´t stopped. Just recently we fought and he threw me out of our house late at night in the snow, without my hijab on and no shoes either. The day after he threatened to do it again. So I finally called the police and asked them what my rights are. They came to our home and he told them that I wasn´t his wife. He got so loud with them that they almost arrested him. They saw my bruised face and asked me if he hit me, I said no. Since that day he says that he no longer trusts me for calling the cops. I even apologized for doing it.  Now he has left the house and is staying with his family. He still believes that its ok to hit me if I stand in his face and answer back at him.

How do other couples fight? Don´t all couples fight?

My father in-law blames me also. He says if I learn to stay quiet when my husband is enraged then eventually my husband will come to his senses and apologize to me. Thats it? I get an apology for hitting me? What are my rights in Islam? I don´t want to divorce because I was married before this also, but I´m young and educated and I have a lot going for me. I feel like Im living with a caveman.

My father in-law beats his wife and daughters until today.  Should I stay or leave this marriage? What are my rights as a wife in Islam?


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11 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum Issa,

    Thank you very much for trusting us and opening your Heart, Alhamdulillah you felt the strength to look for help.

    This is not normal, this is called physical/phycological and emotional ABUSE, can be call too gender violence, and this is a very dangerous situation because your life is at risk.

    You said you are educated woman, you are working, PLEASE, GET OUT OF THERE, you are used to violence you almost see it normal, this is not normal, a normal fight between a couple could be to argue about something both of them needs to get an agreement, never loose respect, shouting or saying bad words, you don´t want to impose, you want to get an agreement, what you are exposed is to VIOLENCE.

    Right now you first priority is to put yourself in a safe place, don´t tell him your plans, yes you have rights as a wife, but are you going to risk your life to tell him you have rights?

    You can go to a social assistent, to the police and talk to them, they will guide you to do the best for you, insha´Allah.

    At least fight for your Life, and get out of there before it is too late, insha´ Allah .

    After you have solved this, before marrying again, please learn about your rights in the Quran, the Prophet(saw)´s Life, feel free to contact us again to help you, if you feel you need us.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  2. Salaam Sister,

    I feel for you and what a nasty situation a violent marriage. Sister i tend to give short and straight forward advise so here goes. Im a lawyer and believe me ive seen cases where men hit their wife and once they start they never stop its always i promise i'll never do it again but that goes out of the window. My advise to you is that you should get out of this marriage what if next time ur not so lucky and u end up dead. We have dealt with murder cases where men kill their wife so my advise is 2 leave him. I advise that u Pray to Allah to give you strength forget what your heart says 'i love him or you have been married before' most women stay in a violent relationship just because of love. You should think with your brain and your safety comes first. Your son will highly than likely to be influenced by his father and so this continues he will do the same to his wife. So believe in Allah and pray to him and u never know u may end up with a better person in your life as no one deserves to be treated like that.

    At the end of the day the decision is urs only and it would help but having a support network also discuss this with ur own parents.


  3. Sister, Asalaamualaykum,

    In your post, you asked: How do other couples fight? Don´t all couples fight?

    All couples have squabbles and arguments from time to time, but 'no', not all couples fight all day, every day and 'no', it is not normal for a husband to hit his wife. If this is what the relationship has come to, then really the purpose for which marriage has been prescribed is really not existent in your marriage anymore. Marriage is there to provide the couple with love, protection and companionship. But your marriage is giving you hatred, insecurity, loneliness, broken bones, a broken heart and a broken spirit instead.

    I think you already know all this though, don't you? You do know, but you are convincing yourself somehow that you are to blame, when deep down you know you are not. Even if a wife is a gobby rude woman (which I am sure you are not), it is still not right or allowed for her husband to mentally and physically abuse her. It is never ever right for anyone to mentally/physically abuse anyone. If this is what is happening, then it is time for you to go your own ways, neither of you are benefitting the other. Your husband needs help and so does his father.

    You said: "I don´t want to divorce because I was married before this also, but I´m young and educated and I have a lot going for me." You can have been divorced a 10 times before, it really doesnt matter or make a blind bit of difference. The point is, your marriage is failing to give you what a marriage is supposed to give and your husband is a threat to your life and well being. Your life is a gift from Allah, you are supposed to respect and love that life. By you staying with your husband in the state that he is in, you are allowing him to abuse you. And if you claim to be educated, then you should know full well that you deserve better than this. Furthermore if you are educated, then you have a better chance of finding a job to support yourself once you are away from your abusive husband.

    If you want to live a life of misery and abuse, and if you wish to become another number/statistic of an abuse case resulting in murder, then stay with your husband. But do not blame Allah or Islam, because Islam encourages women to be strong and to stand up against such shallow treatment. Divorce is allowed.

    If you wish to free yourself of this abuse and give yourself the chance of being a strong Muslim woman with a loving husband and healthy children, then go to your parents house and confide in them. InshaAllah if they are good parents, they will support you, No parent wants to see their daughter being abused. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Once you are with your parents, or siblings or a good female friend, you will be in a safe place with good people; then think about what next step to take.

    You can do it Sis. Take that step inshaAllah.

    SisterZ Editor

  4. Salaams Sister

    You should DIVORCE this man. This man is physically abusing you: pushing, shoving, slapping, punching, kicking, beating and physically throwing you out of the house; etc. He is never going to change: Physical abuse escalates in frequency and severity. He should be arrested for this!

    "My father in law beats his wife and daughter until today" - Abusers are often part of a cycle, picking up the habit after watching their father abuse their mother. Their own children learn this abusive behavior and abuse their wives.

    Yes all couples have disagreements but there is a way to approach the matter:

    1.The first step is a peaceful discussion between the two of them about the problem and solutions. This is intended to soften hearts and eliminate misunderstandings.

    2. If this doesn't work, the next step is for the husband to tell his wife his expectations in a firm, decisive manner.

    3. If the rebelliousness and disobedience continues, the husband is supposed to leave the bed, which is really a punishment for both of them for not being able to resolve their differences.

    4.If that fails to solve the problem, representatives of both sides meet to try and arbitrate

    5. As a last resort, if he thinks it will prevent divorce by letting the wife know how serious he is, the husband can use a light slap on the hand or shoulder but not on any other part of the body, and it shouldn't leave a mark or scar. Anything beyond this is Islamically prohibited.

    This procedure is to be followed only when the wife is the cause of a serious problem and the husband is innocent, compassionate, and well-behaved. If the husband is the cause of the problem, he has no right to do any of this. .

    "But I´m young and educated and I have a lot going for me". You do have alot going for you, so don't let this man destroy your life. Don't continue being a victim of abuse. You are still young.

    "He still believes that its ok to hit me if I stand in his face and answer back at him"- Sister this man has no remorse and shame for what's he is doing. He would never change. He has no respect for you. He is crossing the islamic line. You should divorce him. He is capable of killing you.

    Your husband does not have a right to hit you and beat you. You have a right to express your opinion and be heard

    You have a right to demand divorce ( in your case for physical abuse).
    The Prophet (s) said: "Do not beat your wife." He also said: "Do not strike your wife in the face." The Prophet (s) condemned the man who beats his wife in the day and then approaches her at night. "And to beat her to the extent of inflicting serious injury is enough grounds for her to obtain divorce from the judge."


  5. Assalam-Alekum,

    Sister, your rights are clear. He cannot beat you its as simple as that. Yes every couple fights. But once the fight goes to physical violence than its not normal. You mentioned that you have a son mashAllah. You also said that your father-in-law beats his wife and daughters till now.

    I think this is something which he learned from his father. I don't know if its something treatable or not.
    I hope this is something that can be treated by psychologists. Also, to be treated from psychologists one must acknowledge the problem first, and must understand that this is a huge problem.

    Sister, have you seen a mother beating any child? I have. A mother who loves her children more than a father. Who wakes up on her child's first cry. Whose love is so strong that Allah(s.w.t.) gives reference of her love while saying that I love my human being 70 times more than his mother.
    Somehow that same mother beats her child. Makes you wonder what happens? I think a child has different sets of needs and different sets of qualities. He might be adamant on doing something which in mother's eye is not important. And once he keeps yelling in her face, she raises her hand and slaps her to stop the child for making the demands which mother thinks are not important. Why does she slap? because is strong enough and she can. She does not have that 'childness' stored in her to understand the 'stupid' demands of her child. Therefore to cut it short she beats her child.

    Can a mother stop beating her child? yes. How? By understanding her child's needs better and in face of his 'stupid' demands she can learn ways to fulfill them or can make the child agree that this demand is not important.

    Its my humble understanding which is based on the assumption that a man loves his wife, but somehow (while not being drunk or under influence of drugs) slaps her. One reason which I can understand is 'ANGER'. I think, Men are made physically strong and women are made emotionally strong and (physically and mentally) resilient. In an argument, where a man is not able to understand her wife's emotional needs, or a thing which might look NOTHING to a husband but is important to a wife. In such scenarios, when wife is using her strong points i.e. ability to argue, and the man cannot understand her way of thinking the issue. He becomes ANGRY and anger is something which takes away the ability of a man to THINK. And once he is not thinking he relies on his ANIMAL instincts and that is to use strength in face of an opponent. And to cut things short, or to maintain his superiority in an argument, he beats his wife.

    This reminds me of this hadith in Bukhari:
    "The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger."

    Sister, I have written above points not to give any excuses for your husband's behavior but to better understand the problem. Sister, you have two options. Leave your husband now and divorce him. Which I personally do not recommend. Or you can leave your husband, and talk to him from safety. Once you leave tell him clearly that you left him because you cannot bear any of the physical abuse. Talk to him that he should mend his ways and become a better human being and better muslim. You must tell him that this is unacceptable and if its not resolved then you are going to part your ways. Try to see if he really thinks that his beating is a problem or not and he tries to resolve it by going to some counselor or not. If he is putting serious effort and stops doing what he is doing now then work with him to live a happy married life.

    I hope and pray that Allah resolves this problem for you.


  6. salam o alaikum sister issa...
    In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.I pray that this message finds you in a state of peace & i pray that ALLAH (swt) protects u and guide u..i really feel sad when i read these sad real life stories..

    Those who have suffered abuse often blame themselves, seeking to find some explanation for the abuser's behavior.They simply get confuse.Please understand this clearly,You are not at fault for what happened.....Noone has right in light of islam to abuse anyone..any kind of abuse be it verbally,emotionally,physically or sexually.All this comes under domestic violence and maltreatment...which one needs to understand..Your husband has voilated his rights towards you...he will never ever change...he will keep on abusing u ...n den will say he loves u n can do nything for u....he is just playing with ur thing which i would like to tell u is that he is suffering from mental disorder...SCHIZOPHRENIA..u can search about its symptoms on internet or even ask from a physchiatrist....when u will search...u will find numerous stories about these kind of person..and will b astonished to see that anyone who accidently get married to such kind of mentally upset person end up their relationship ONLY through divorce.
    Offer namaz regularly...and read QURAN with translation , strenghten ur emaan ,learn what islam is thru QURAN AND SUNNAH and make lots of supplication/dua to ALLAH...HE ALONE will ease ur hardship and compensate for ur suffering and pains in HIS own ways at a time decided by HIM.This life for sure is full of trials/hardships and ALLAH tests HIS believing men and women...but ALLAH is with the patient ones....and wrongdoers will see their end and punishment awaits them in this life and in hereafter..
    Allaah is testing you by means of a man whose behaviour and attitude are bad. Based on what has been mentioned in the question, it is permissible for you to ask for a divorce (this is what is called khula’), because living with this man and anyone like him is something that is unbearable. Perhaps Allaah will compensate you with someone better than this man. If you cannot find another husband, then staying
    without a husband in your parents’ house, where you will be cared for and respected, will be better for you than staying with this man...

    UR SENTENCE..." I don´t want to divorce because I was married before this also, but I´m young and educated and I have a lot going for me"...
    PLZZZ dont ruin rest of ur life instead stand up for urself
    just leave him...he doesnt deserve u...

  7. Assalamu alaikum Sister Issa,

    As everyone before me said, you are living in a very violent situation. The behavior of your husband is unacceptable. Based on what you have written it shows that he has seen this type of abuse all of his life. He witnessed his father beating his mother and sisters, so to him this is normal.

    I would suggest getting out of the house as soon as possible. If there is at least one person in your life who you can trust I would let them know of your plans to leave. Contact social services in your area. They can provide you with information about safe houses and agencies that can provide you with help.

    Before you do anything please develop a plan of action. Don't give him any indication that you are planning to leave. Make sure you have all of your legal papers with you such as your passport, social security card, birth certificate. When a woman decides to leave I'm sure it can be very stressful. It can also be the most dangerous time too. So please don’t let anyone other than your trusted friend know of your plan to leave. I don’t recall reading whether or not you have children. If you don’t then there is one less thing you have to worry about. If you have children then make sure you have a sound plan of action to get out of the house safely.

    Below is a number that you can call if you are living in the US. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224. I’m sure that there are sister’s who know of organizations outside the US where you can get help.

    Sister, if you have any questions please don't hesitate to write back to this forum. Please call the number above. They can help you.

    Insha’Allah everything will work out for you. It is important to know that Islam does not accept this type of behavior and your husband’s actions are not acceptable. This is not the way of our Prophet Muhammad(PBUH). Muslim men have been instructed to be kind to their wives. No one deserves to be treated in this manner. You deserve better.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Editor

  8. Dear Sister,

    After reading your post I have only one question...why are you still there? Three years of your life you have given this coward. What kind of man hits, punches and slaps his wife around? I will tell you...a coward. These men do not they age, they only get worse. Men like this always turn the situation around and put the blame on the woman, they never take responsibility for their actions and's always your fault. Meanwhile, you are an emotional mess...your chest feels like it carries the weight of a rock and it is nearly impossible to function although you know you have to.

    IIt's better to let your family know of the abuse you suffer at the hands of your coward of a husband. Don't keep the abuse a secret any longer...the coward needs to be humiliated. It's nothing for you to be embarrassed about and you should not keep it hidden a moment longer. Basically, you need to expose your husband for the coward he is. He has people fooled into thinking he's this amazing guy when in reality, he's a coward who abuses his wife. You say since that day he doesn't trust you because you called the cops? Good. Who cares? He didn't think you would do it but you did and although he will never show you anything on the surface, underneath all that big macho man exterior...he was scared.

    I think it's a good thing that the coward went to his parents, it will give you some space to consider what you need to do in your situation. You are thinking of staying because you have been married before right? So... you think you have to live this way and just deal with it because you were married before? Is it because you are afraid of another divorce? If so, you should be more concerned about ending up on a slab in the morgue. Your father in law wants to you to be convenient. Thats what cowards like this want. They want you to be quiet so they can keep using you like a punching bag and no one will know about it.

    Never, ever apologize for calling the police. He put you in that position. The police are there to "serve and protect". I called the police on my husband and even though I did feel absolutely horrible watching him being led away in hand cuffs...he deserved it and more. These men believe they are untouchable and they can do whatever they want to you because in their twisted little belong to them, you are their "property". Abusive men make their victims feel like it's their fault...always. Like my husband always says to me, "you make me this way"...not.

    For three years this coward has brought you down emotionally,physically and verbally. Are you willing to allow him to continue? Abuse is a cycle that is repeated over and over, it's not a matter of if he will blow's a matter of when. My advice to you dear sister is this: tell your family what is going on in your home, they need to know that their daughter is treated no better than a stray dog in the street. They need to know that their precious daughter is abused on a regular basis not only physically but verbally and emotionally too. This man has no shame but it's about time he experienced a taste of it. You see sister, no one knows what this coward is doing behind closed doors and to bring it out into the light, he is forced to recognize it.

    If he wants to be together as a husband and wife...a family, tell him you would like to sit down and talk. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that his behavior is not acceptable and never will be acceptable. Let him talk too and give time to each of you and do not interrupt the other while speaking. Tell him to find another way to deal with his anger because you will not live this way any longer. See if he will agree to some type of counseling for both of you. This way you can sit down and get things out in the open. Either way remember this: Muslim women the world over are abused and killed every day. We are always being told to "stay quiet" so as not to make a scene or to upset the order of this house. If you have family close by, seek their help and do not stay silent...this is what he wants. I will be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. God bless 😀

    • najhah

      salaam alayk

      i would like to advice you for the sake of Allah [jalla jalaalahu], to fear Allah and not to talk about your husband negatively , ever.

      please sister, dont disgrace your husband on a public doc by calling him a coward, abuser, twisted minded etc.

      i could have sworn i read some other posts [more than 3] about abuse where you said the same thing again and again about your husband, disgracing him.

      sister, your husband would be terribly appalled/dissappointed/angry/flabbergasted in a bad way if he knew what his wife [whom he trusts most in this world] is saying about him.

      you have given wonderfull advice, but my sister, you are supposed to be a garment for your husband, you cover his nakedness, you cover his faults, not expose them.

      who has the most right upon a woman? her husband
      who has the most right upon a man? his mother

      let us all fear Allaah

      • Brother Fulaan, your comment is ridiculous. There is a big difference between a righteous husband who has a few faults, and an abuser. An abuser relies on his victim to keep silent, so that he can continue his abuse. We are speaking here about a man who punches, slaps and kicks his wife; who knocked her unconscious; and damaged her hearing.

        This man is indeed a coward, and this sister needs to expose him and charge him criminally so that he goes to jail, then divorce him.

        Wael Editor

  9. Salam sister

    At the end of your post u said that your father in law beats his wife

    I m sorry sister but the family u live has no respect for women

    OffCourse couple fight my I have seen my parents fight but not like this that my dad hits my mom .

    U cannot stay with a person like him , if u want then he need some anger management

    Well I won't be the person to tell u to divorce him coz if u can try to control his anger than
    Otherwise I say u .

    I really don't know what to say but whatever decision u r taking plz let it be a good one

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