Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My virtual boyfriend broke up with me two years back but I still love him

Unrealistic ideas of beauty, distorted idea of beauty, mirror, sign in mirror

Assalam O Alaikum,

When I was 18 years old, I met a guy through a social networking site. He lives in a different state, very far away from where I stay.

After chatting with him for a week or two, I started having a crush on him. I flirted with him (very little) and less than a month after, he proposed to me- all of this in the virtual world of the social networking site.

Initially, I was not that serious about this virtual "relationship". I only wanted a boyfriend, since no guy had ever proposed to me in the 18 years of my life. I was glad therefore to have someone now and planned to break off the relationship in the near future, when someone would propose to me in real life.

I knew that a long distance relationship doesn't last long and in this case we hadn't even met each other. Moreover, since we belong to different communities (but same religion), I knew neither of our parents would agree to the match even if the relationship lasted and we planned to get married. We would have had to break it off eventually in the future. But for the time being, we exchanged numbers and started talking over the phone.

I had seen his profile picture, but since mine was an animated cartoon, he hadn't even seen me before proposing. I showed him my photo a month after he proposed, and though I could detect a tinge of disappointment in his voice when he saw my picture, he said didn't mind much. He was happy with me and glad to have a girlfriend in his life for the very first time even though circumstances didn't make it possible for us to meet.

Over time, I became serious about him, extremely serious, so much so that he became the sole reason for my happiness. I can safely say that he was serious about me too. But I was a horrible girlfriend. I was insanely jealous, excessively possessive and I never gave him any space. Also, I had a few crushes in college on a couple of attractive guys and I would tell him about them. But trust me, I loved him and only him. If I had those crushes, it was only because I wasn't in a conventional relationship. I told him about these crushes because he was my best friend and I couldn't hide anything from him. I never realized that I was hurting him in the process or driving him away from me. I could never meet or hang out with him like all normal lovers do. All I had was a half hour phone call every day from him which was the only way I knew that he even existed.

Here I must mention that six months after proposing, he saw a few photos of me in that social networking site. Those photos were not nice and he called me to say that he would have to re-think about the relationship. "How can anyone look so ugly?"- those were his precise words while I cried and cried wondering, why God had made me so unattractive. He apologized a lot after that and things became normal again.

After a year and a month, he broke up with me one sudden day. He said he couldn't love me anymore, no matter how much he tried, his feelings had faded. I cried, begged him not to break up, to give me another last chance, but nothing worked. I asked him, "If you had seen my photo at first, would you have proposed?". He said "no, we would have been friends but I would have never proposed". He didn't want to have anything more to do with me.

I went into depression, crying for hours at a stretch, and ruined my third semester exam. He would call me sometimes to talk, even to console me, saying "Let us not ruin the friendship". But how could I look at him only as my friend when I still loved him so much? Slowly I began to recover, but with the false hope that soon he will fall in love with me again. All I need to do is to continue to talk to him like before. But after five months of this ordeal, he suddenly stopped talking to me, he disappeared.

I had a huge crush on Shahid Afridi (Pakistani Cricketer) at that time, I was crazy about him to be honest and I felt that I really loved him. Silly as this sounds, it actually helped me to forget my ex boyfriend and since we had no contact, I felt I had moved on finally because I didn't cry anymore. But I still missed him.

After four months he called me, said he missed me and I said that I miss him too. We started talking after that and things changed. I didn't pine for him anymore, I was happy to have him as my friend and even if we fought sometimes, we always solved it soon afterwards. But then he fell in love with a girl and he told me about it. I couldn't bear it, I went into another phase of depression, the conflict raging in me whether I should again stop contacting him or remain his friend. I failed to let go of him, more so because he never asked me to go.

Today we are best friends and he loves that girl but is not in a relationship with her because he hasn't yet proposed. I dread the day when he will, because even though I still call him my friend, God knows I still love him with all my heart. There are nights when I cry myself to sleep knowing that one day I will hurt myself but I cannot, just cannot let go of him, ever. He is a very good friend, extremely caring, he calls me every day, kisses me over the phone, calls me his little baby. He loves me, even if this love is not the romantic love of our past. He loves me as a best friend loves another, as a brother loves his little sister.

I don't know if it is in our destiny to ever meet each other. But I love him, I really do and I can never think of loving anyone else. I am 21 years old now and my parents talk about my marriage, with plans to look for suitable men after a couple of years. But I don't want to marry anyone. How can I, when I still love him? I wish I could remain unmarried all my life, but I know I have to give in to my parents' wishes. In my heart, there is still a hope that he will love me back again someday. What should I do? Please please help me.

P.S.:- In real life, no one has proposed to me yet and I have a feeling that no one ever will. I feel God was kind enough to give me one chance at love and I have ruined it.

- Zaara


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4 Responses »

  1. Walaykumsalaam Zaara,

    "In real life, no one has proposed to me yet..."
    The first three words in this sentence sum up part of your problem. None of it is 'real life'. You are living in cyber space, but the thing is, this world does not exist in reality. You cannot touch, feel, hear, lean on the person, wipe away tears or do anything that is part of a normal relationship. You have wasted your time and effort on a relationship that does not even exist.

    "I only wanted a boyfriend, since no guy had ever proposed to me in the 18 years of my life."
    This is the other part of your problem. You feel the need to have a boyfriend in order to have some propose to you. But Islam does not permit us to have boyfriends or girlfriends - at all. And you were only 18 years old. Most of those years you spent in childhood, or in young teenage-hood, so when and why would someone propose to you at that age?

    Zaara - you have the whole concept of relationships confused and back to front and are living in a world of Bollywood, Hollywood and Lollywood. You need to focus on yourself and your own character and personal development. And if you feel the need to be in a relationship, then you need to do it the right way and ask an elder person to help you find a husband - minus the dating.

    I know that will not be so simple for you though because you need to find a way to reverse the damage you have done to your mind and heart first. Your first experience of such a relationship has been formed through this virtual type relationship so when you are actually in a real relationship, you may have trouble communicating properly. Difficult as it may seem, I can only encourage you to stop what you have been doing and re-focus your attention to your sole purpose for being on this earth and that is this, where Allah(swt) says in the Holy Quran in Surah Adh-Dhariyat 51:56: “I created the jinn and humankind only that they might worship Me.” So can you see, that since you have forgotten your purpose in life, you have strayed?

    Dear Sister, leave idolising this boy on the internet and get back to real life.The transition back to real life will be very painful, but the more you try (as with anything), the less pain you will feel. And you will only be able to to do this if you start focusing on your relationship with Allah. Start by doing tawbah for transgressing the limits set by Allah. Pray your Salaah, recite Quran, take up Islamic Study classes and busy yourself with meaningful and beneficial things. And with time, your mind and heart will no longer crave this bad and destructive habit.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Salaam sister.

    I definitely agree with the idea offered about. I want to highlight some aspects of your post please for you to think about:

    "In real life, no one has proposed to me yet and I have a feeling that no one ever will. I feel God was kind enough to give me one chance at love and I have ruined it."
    Sister Z has already said above about the fact that none of this was real life. What I will add is life doesn't work like that sister. It is a myth a big myth that love only happens once. This is how you feel now but emotions do change with time. Your time will come InshaAllah but there are many other far more important things to focus on.

    You were 'with' this guy in a virtual relationship until he saw your picture, decided he was not attracted to you and ended the relationship. Now you are both friends and you are in love with him, but he is not in love with you? Is this correct? So despite this guy treating you this way, you still love him? Are you sure you are in love with him or are you in love with the idea of love? Sometimes when we like someone or when someone is nice to us, we can create this image in our head of a person which is false or not completely true. We all do it - and as long as we realise this it's fine. The problem lies when we keep reaffirming the image until we no longer see the truth. Yes he seems like a 'caring friend' but his actions do not show this do they? Would a caring friend leave you because they find you unattractive for starters?

    First of all it is a huge mistake to continue a friendship with this guy - you are literally opening your own wounds and preventing yourself from healing. Sister only you can change your situation - no one else. You can leave him and his so called 'friendship.' I strongly advise you to cut him out of your life. However painful it makes you feel it is essential in helping yourself move on. You need to accept that he doesn't find you attractive and he doesn't want to be with you. There is nothing wrong with that dear sister and it is not a reflection on you necessarily. People have preferences, some people are compatible with each other and others are not. And InshaAllah one day you will find someone who will love and appreciate you for who you are and someone who knows your beautiful- someone who will marry you as oppose to mess you around.

    Dont let guilt, or your infactuation for this guy stop you from leaving - I cannot stress this enough! It will be upsetting for both of you at first but it is for the best (for both of you.) I

    Turn to Allah swt and make sincere tawbah (repentance.) It is not permitted in Islam to have close friendships or relationships with the opposite sex. There are many forms of zina including sweet talking so dont belittle this sin.

    My advice to you is to take the plunge and stop being friends with this guy - send him an email explaining you can no longer be friends, block him and change your phone number.
    - Our purpose on earth is to worship Allah swt alone. So turn to Him, make tawbah and take the steps to improve your faith. Actively work on your relationship with Allah swt. No other relationship matters like the one between you and Allah. So nurture it. If you dont pray, please start doing obligatory prayers. Increase your good deeds daily and gradually as regular good deeds are better than occasional good deeds. Cry to Him, ask Him to forgive you and help you through this difficult time.

    Also it is concerning how much you rely on this guy - it is not healthy. This is emotional dependancy in its truest form and it is the worst type of dependancy - it goes from love into need. Emotional dependancy is when we rely on others to feel valued. You don't. Self esteem and self worth has to come from within. No other person can give that to you and marriage is something which can help enhance the self but not build it. Think about it - you say you loved him, became insanely jealous and despite your relationship he left you because he felt you were not pretty. Someone who does this is not worthy of our love and time, even if he is a 'good friend' now.

    It will hurt badly for a few months - you'll go through a number of stages - you might feel anger at him one minute, miss him the next, feel nothing then next. But it does get better - there are many who have been in your situation who have recovered from taking the right steps. The best thing you can do is spend time in zikr, read Qur'an and keep yourself busy. Take up a hobby - as long as it's halal and enjoyable it will do. Go and meet Muslim sisters who are good and Islamic. Go to your local mosque or Islamic youth club.

    Also avoid striking up friendships (with guys) or casually chatting with any guy - it is really not worth it and most importantly it is haraam.

    "my parents talk about my marriage, with plans to look for suitable men after a couple of years"
    Spend some time on developing yourself before you consider marriage sister. It may be useful to consider counselling for a while. It helped me when I was going through a difficult stage in my life and work out my feelings. An iman quote something which is appropriate:

    "If feelings of self worth/validation come from anything else other than Allah - then we are in big trouble."

    Why? Because people cannot ever be relied on dear sister. People break promises, we are all temporary. The only lasting thing is Allah (Swt) so turn to Him and seek solace in Him and be aware He has the answer to your problems and He will never let you down. And it pushes people away if a friend is constantly seeking reassurance and if someone needs you for this,

    Give yourself time to learn and grow in faith and deen, emotionally and spiritually. Appreciate the blessings Allah has given you and love yourself for who you are. Accept yourself. Once you have recovered from your heartbreak and have the firm emotional grounding then consider marriage yourself - ensure you do not allow yourself to be guilt tripped into anything. If you need anymore advice your welcome to comment on here.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswerscom Editor

  3. Sister zara i can understant what u r feeling in this situation.just make tobah nd haVe faith on ALLAH subhanawatala.insh ALLAH everything will be fine very soon.

  4. Your advice has been of immense help. Try as I might, I could not follow it then and continued with whatever I was doing. But I got another blow when very recently he told me that he doesn't even want me as his friend anymore. I was devastated but at the same time I realized that it is my fault because I should have ended this virtual whatever I had with me a long time back instead of carrying it on for so long. I have known him for almost 3 and a half years now and it will be harder to forget him now than it would have been a year back when I wrote this post but I have made up my mind that I don't want to keep any contact with him. There are a lot of times when I feel weak and find my mind diverting to thoughts about him when I'm studying but I'll be strong and let the healing take place in its own pace. I've been talking to a few of my friends, and they have all advised me beautifully and are supporting me to get over him once and for all. Today I suddenly remembered that I had written this post last year and I came online and re-read every thing you had told me in the past and even though I couldn't accept it then, I understand the wisdom of it now. This was a dependency on a level that was more harmful for me than it was good. Thank you for your kindness and support and for reminding me that none of this was real in the first place 🙂

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