Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Visa rejected, unhappy in my marriage… What to do?


Assalaam Alaikum Brothers and Sisters,

I do have plenty of burning issues that's giving me worries and unhappiness. I'm a muslima, in my late twenties and have been married for two years now. My Husband lives in europe and that was a major source of concern for me because I wasn't keen on having a suitor that lived so far away. I had earlier been engaged to a son of a family friend who told me that he didn't want to live with me as he lived abroad and would want me to live with his family. The pain of my failed engagement made me unsure of another suitor who lived in another country . My husband was persistent in trying to convince me to marry him and when that wasn't working, he had sent his family to speak with mine, in the end we decided to have a registry in other to, file for my visa to join him and when that pulled through, we would have a nikkah so I could join him immediately. I've always relied on Allah and all through that period, I diligently prayed my salatul Istikhara, asking Allah to help me make a good decision, although I was a bit scared that the timing of our registry and the visa application may seem very short in the eyes of the embassy officials but my fears were allayed by his family and mine. We eventually had our registry and decided that for us to have a better communication I suggested we had our Akhidu Nikkah and fixed a walima when the visa issues were sorted, we did a quiet nikkah because it was impromptu with a few members of our families. After the ceremony, he asked that we consummate our marriage as we were now halal and I accepted because I didn't want to incur Allah's wrath by refusing my husband.

He travelled back some days later, while I waited for my visa but sadly I was refused on grounds of us not having enough evidence of a subsisting relationship in spite of the documents we submitted, in our 10 months of courtship, we never transgressed the boundaries of Islam and I never permitted overly expressive discussions that may invoke sexual feelings or thoughts and I also refused gifts of any kind. The absence of excessive intimacy or the likes was one of the reasons they cited for my refusal. I filed another with more documents and that was still refused as well, and an appeal was filed. This dragged on for months, and maybe a combination of disappointments, wasted financial efforts etc led to my husband and I to having countless arguments mostly over issues that are not relevant. In fact it got so bad that I had to involve my parents at some point, he would complain that I was not showing enough love, I would remind him that its hard to be affectionate over the phone or on a chat, love is better felt or conveyed through deeds and considering that he and I have lived apart for so long, it wasn't all that easy for me. I married a virgin and didn't date or indulge in romantic relationships, so I was clueless on how to act with him a lot of the time, I also felt alone and most times don't feel married cos of the distance. I was also feeling bad that I had to reject a school offer to pursue a masters degree because it was in another country and I didn't want us to live apart.

My major source of concern is that communication has broken down between us, he doesn't make all that much effort to be in touch with me, I most times feel abandoned, unloved and uncared for. I'm always feeling like he's tired of me and I have asked him that; I said to him, tell me if you are no longer happy with me, I know I will have the shame of a failed marriage but it would be better than this feeling of inadequacies from his constant complaints. I try not to look at those better than me, but its difficult as all my friends are happily settled with their families and raising their babies, while I'm still married but living single in my parents home and I'm honestly not happy, even my parents sometimes express their disappointment that their married daughter still lives with them. My mum will sometimes say she longs to have a proper wedding as other mums do and also carry our grand children, this really makes me sad like I have let her down in my duties as a child.

I really need your opinion as to what actions to take because I'm not really happy in my marriage and also I'm planning to apply for another degree in health care and that's in another country in europe with affordable tuition. I apologise for my lengthy question but I'm really confused.

Jazakhumllah Khairan

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1 Responses »

  1. Dear sister Rahmat walakumasalam ,
    I pray your appeal for visa gets successful results. I'm not sure which European country is it because usually visa for spouses is granted very easily for western countries .
    Have you thought about hiring immigration lawyer? They can be very helpful .

    Long distance relation are difficult to maintain. If there is uncertainty about future then it can end up in breakage due to misunderstanding and lack of communication that is hallmark of being long distance.
    Try to get knowledge and tips via literature ,self help books How to sustain successful relation while being in long distance relationship.

    Wait till results of appeal and if visa is refused then you both need to decide whether you are going to sacrifice this relation over place of residence?
    If I'm in your place, I will keep option of degree in other country open as a backup plan. See if he can move to that country with you ?
    Good wishes

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