Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wali doesnt agree with my marriage

Muslim woman

Brothers and sisters, i am asking for help. Ive come across this site recently and needed some advice as i have no where else to go.

i have been talking to a man for 2 years now and in that 2 years he has made me rethink my life for the better, he is religious and follows islamic ruling as anyone should however at the beginnig i wasnt the best person - i admit that. I sinned and made mistakes but ive repented for all my wrongdoings and am now following the teachings of islam as much as i can. And that was thanks to him in a way for helping me find myself when i got lost

i have now decided i want to marry him and vice versa. His family are fine with this and are now waiting approval from my family. But they dont agree with this.

Now He is 8 years older than me but he is working and driving and has family to support him if he needs it, however he is an immigrant. The age is not the issue its more because hes an immigrant and they think life would be difficult for me, but each relationship will have difficulties surely?

So now my wali doesnt approve i have tried encouraging them explaining that hes encouraged me to be abetter persona nd follows islamic teachings to a T however both my parent have said to leave him and break off my relationship with him - but i cant. So what do i do?

Is there any way that i can possibly marry him without my parents approval?

We are a very close family so i dont want to destroy my relationship with them for a man but i cant see myself marrying someone else, please someone show me some guidance.

i have prayed and prayer trying to het an answer or a guidance but i just feel so lost. My situration is very difficult at the minute to the point where ive gotten depression and im sinning. I can feel myself doing the wrong things but im confused and lost. Im asking Allah for guidance but i dont know what im doing wrong.

Ive kept the relationship halal i only ever facetime him and speak on the phone.

i know my parents will not listen to my uncles/brother etc or any other wali so who can i go to to get permission? Who will allow me to marry him? What can i do to make the marriage valid for when we do marry?

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3 Responses »

  1. You can't force anyone to be okay with your choices...and as a adult, you have to sometimes choose between pleasing other people or pleasing yourself. This is one of those situations, and no one can make the choice for you.

    Your parents are right in that being married to an immigrant isn't easy at all. I personally know of several people that have gone down that route and face a lot of problems that they have zero control over. It DOES take a huge toll on a marriage to live in this kind of uncertainty...or even worse: to have to live apart. Because you have to keep that in mind: Not all immigrants gain a permanent residency or citizenship.

    There are also a lot of other issues to keep in mind - such as cultural differences and clashes. You only have very limited knowledge about this man...it's all good and dandy that he's seemingly a good Muslim, but that's not enough to make a marriage work. Besides religion, we are all defined by the society and culture we grow up with / in, and if this man has grown up somewhere that's vastly different from the place you have grown up in...you have to be prepared for clashes. Also beware that some men will pretend like they are progressive and open-minded before marriage, and as soon as they have gained the trust of a woman, and married her, their true colours come out. It's like when you go to a used car dealership and the salesman makes you believe you are buying this amazing car for a good price...only, when you buy it, you find out the car has a lot of serious issues and that you have wasted your money.

    Maybe your parents aren't against this marriage for the reasons you think. Maybe they aren't out to be spiteful and mean. Maybe they genuinely just have your best interest at heart. You say you are a very close family, so I have to assume your parents are just doing their best at protecting you...which is what good parents do. And something you should be grateful for, because so many Muslim women don't have that. Their parents are more interested in getting them married off to the first trash bag that proposes. You sound very young, too, so maybe your parents don't like the idea of you marrying a man they think you might not be happy with 10 years down the line. When you are 20, you look for very different qualities ina spouse compared to when you are 25.

    In my humble opinion...I would ask my parents openly why they are against this marriage. I would try to understand what makes them say no, instead of jumping to the conclusion that I'ma victim. Love can sometimes blind us, and when we're young as well, it's sometimes a good idea to ask people that are more experienced and knowledgeable about their views and opinions.

    If you still think your parents are wrong, after having talked to them, then you have to make a choice: Would you rather get married and stir up things in your family, or would you rather keep the peace in the family and find someone else to marry? You can't always make a 3rd option magically appear, I'm afraid...

  2. You need to know what concerns your parents have. Maybe they are seeing red flags which you don't see. Since he is an immigrant does he have valid legal stay? Make sure he is not using you for citizenship.

  3. An important question, with very very little information provided. How is it that you have been in contact with a man for two years and now marriage is an important consideration? Have you been in contact with him then and just now been in contact with him on Facetime.

    Because the man you want to marry is an immigrant, please first understand that your parents may not agree with the marriage primarily because it is a common occurrence for a woman to marry a man from another country and then face very serious problems, including fraud, physical, sexual and financial abuse. You did not state your age You should know that young and never married women are often the victims of men who are not who they say they are.

    You said you have been in contact with the man you want to marry on Facetime, but did not state whether you actually have met the man in person. It is important for anyone, male or female, to learn the disposition and personality of the person they are planning to marry. It is critical to observe and to know how that person interacts with older people, children, subordinates, and others in general. In your circumstances, you should also have some kind of documentation of the man's status in terms of whether he is or has been married, if he has children, what country he is from and if he has any indebtedness. These are the important details people often do not concern themselves with when they meet someone they want to marry. However, these exact details often are what end marriages.

    In Islam a never married woman is required to have her father, a mahram or wakil represent her when she marries. This is to protect the woman from predatory or unethical men, as well as very nice men who may fail to keep their promises. You stated that your situation is so bad that you are sinning, but failed to go into detail. Perhaps you, yourself, may not really be prepared for marriage. Married life is full of constant disappointments and struggles, both personal and social. If you fall into sin because of difficulties, maybe you are simply not mature enough to be married. No one here at this page will know that.

    You also stated you have been praying about your situation. But since you have not gotten a quick or a response to your liking, you are now looking for someone else to approve of your marriage -- after your parents, your wali and other relatives have already refused to agree to this union. That makes no sense. Think about what you are doing. You want to marry someone who is practically a stranger from another country. Your parents do not agree to the marriage. Your wali does not agree to this marriage. So now you are looking around from someone else to represent you. As if your parents and wali don't know what they are doing.

    As stated, you did not state your age or location. You also did not give much information about the man you want to marry, other than that he has supported you to be a better person. Advices given here are based on what information you did provide.

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