Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wanna get married but family make it hard


Salam Alykum, I am in a very confusing tough situation where I don't really know what to do.

There's this guy I've been talking to for the past 4 years and we want to get married. I am currently 19 years old I've never been comfortable enough to tell my mom my personal things because she'd always yell and go crazy and take all my things away. I always wanted to tell her but she just never gave me a bond to share with her. When ever I would talk about her past or guys or anything she'd always change the subject.

Me and this guy have developed a really close relationship where we do not want to marry anybody else. I met his whole family and they all love me very much. I am close with his siblings and think they are very great people. I've known them for a long time and haven't seen anything that wouldn't want me to be a part of their family.

My mom found out about him when I was 16, she took my things away and said really mean things to me, I told her I would quit talking to him but I didn't mean it. She gave me my things back just because she didn't want me talking to him.

Then when I was 17 almost 18 she found out again. But this time it was a different way, his mom was trying to do the right thing and sort of asked for me. She said her son and I love each other and the best thing is to make it halal and have us married. My mom put up an act and just went with it, she was just like yeah if Allah wrote them to be together it was happen blah blah, she was like I will call you back and let you know what her dad and uncles say. My mom never called her back, instead, when she hung up the phone she was just cussing me and saying really mean things to me. She wants me to marry a guy of her choice and not somebody I want. She took all my things away again and did not let me drive or give me any freedom. Well she never ever gave me freedom to begin with, even before having a guy in my life. She told me I am a bad daughter if I do not marry her choice. She would tell me to pick him or her, which is a tough question because I love both of them dearly. I just couldn't do it.

You might be thinking, where was my dad in all this and what was he thinking/doing? Well, my dad is a quiet persona and he hates drama, he is very understanding and open minded. He told me just to tell my mom I won't talk to him again so she would hush. When something happens that my mom doesn't like, she literally goes crazy and does not calm down about it. My dad tells me I can marry him or who ever I want, but just to finish school before I get married. And for me, I don't argue with my parents. Whatever they tell me I just say ok or keep quiet, I don't back talk and am not disrespectful towards them.

As of now, me and this boy still talk, really really want to get married. We see each other whenever we can and I constantly go behind my parents backs to see him. His mom always gives me stuff and is very nice to me. She always asks me when are we getting married and why my mom says no. My mom goes crazy with just hearing his name, my whole mom's side of the family always say mean things about him and his family which really hurt me. I always cry myself to sleep because they are so judgmental and do not try to get to know him.

They don't really think about my happiness and they only care what others think. My dad on the other hand doesn't really care what people think, he just thinks my education is the most important thing. He doesn't want to argue with my mom because she will go crazy.

If I marry this guy I'm scared to loose my mom, she has no right reason though only that she wants me to marry family/her choice of a man. We've done things we are not supposed to do and we just want to get married. We are deeply in love and just want to be together in a halal manner. He is ready when ever I am ready. I am just very scared of my mom, she doesn't really care how I feel though. And I am scared of my dad too, he just wants me to have a good life/education.

If I marry this guy I would still continue to go to school and prove my family wrong. But I am scared to even bring up getting married. I don't want to continue living like this and hiding a huge part of my life from my parents. But I also don't want to loose my mom. And I don't want to marry family and that is all my mom wants me to do.

My whole moms side of the family want's me to marry family when I don't. They always look down on this guy I want but he's muslim and prays 5 times a day, isn't that all that matters? We're all created by Allah and I just don't understand why they don't see that.

He is a huge part of my life I just don't know how to make them understand. I am a great daughter, I listen to everything my family tells them. I don't go out, don't party, don't do many things that are forbidden. I always run errands and completely respect everyone. I just feel they don't recpect me because they are not taking my feelings into consideration.

For the past 4 years I just sneak around and hide this huge part of my life from my family. It could be halal but my mom won't accept. My dad just tells me to be patient he knows I talk to him but not the seeing each other part. I just don't know what do do, and I know things won't change unless I put in action but I am just scared. I don't know what to say to them or what to do, please help. Jazakh Allahu Khayrun


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2 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum sister Amira,
    It's nothing new to be honest. Millions of people are scattered across the world,especially in the Asian regions. Most of the parents are quite narrow minded who come from brown families and they usually fail to see from our perspectives. I'm just speaking in general. They don't realize that for us to be completely happy,we have to choose a partner of our utmost choice and not theirs cause guess what?? Mom and dad, I'M gonna be spending life with that man and not you guys!

    I'm really sorry that you're in this state. You can't let your love down and neither can you let your mother down. Tough situation. One has to be let down,doesn't it seem like that? Yes,at one glance it does but Dua can change our destiny, sweetheart! And don't forget....

    "لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا ۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَعَلَيْهَا مَا اكْتَسَبَتْ ۗ

    "Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "

    Sister,I know it's really hard for you. And I'm kind of facing the same situation since my mom wants me to get married to someone from our nationality....but I love someone from another background. Even though I'm still a board student right now,I know this perspective of my mom is going to affect me during my marriage years. However, there are 2 options i would suggest for you.

    1) If your heart is leaning on to your mom's side,then you obviously don't want to hurt her for your beloved. In this case,you have to keep on persuading her and make lots of Dua. And often in these cases,mother's usually have someone already in mind to get their daughter's married to,who usually come from the family, ask your mom if she has someone specific. Make her understand and emphasize on the qualities your boy possess Show your mom what the Quran and Hadith says about two people who love each other and should get married and tell her stories of girls who were forced to array the one they didn't like. Ask yourmom to step into your shoes for a while. And yes,I would also suggest to cut contact with the boy now, because at the end of the day,you two are still not legally married. And there might be a possibility that she isn't happy because you guys were attached in a haraam manner. Possibilities. Possibilities.

    2) And when hopes almost running out,it usually seems safe to play the wrong risky game. So here is what I'd do: Since the boys parents agreed, boy and the girl agreed and dad had no big issue with it,and mom is being unreasonable; YOU GO GIRL! GO AHEAD AND HAVE A SECRET NIKAH! sounds crazy right? But it would sure hurt if you got married to some other'd be depressed and might not be able to love again. There are so many possibilities. And the Hadith given in the picture of your post is so accurate.

    I apologize if I haven't been of much help but hope things go smooth for you. Remember me in your prayers sister. I hope my parents heart soften and so does the guys heart I love...So that we can peacefully get married in the future. Because I'm sure nobody likes it haraaam and neither did I. All the best XOXOXO

  2. Im in the similar situation as this above sister. however we are both practising people. every time I tell my mum about him she says im too young and that education comes before marriage. she expects me to educate save money buy a house just to show the world. We both have done istikhara and it is positive. everytime I show my hadiths about marriage all she says t me is don't act religious. I really love this individual and have known him fr a very long time. I speak to all his family. They want to come ask for my hand but im just scared to tell my family because my uncles get really abusive and being the only daughter makes this matter worse. we have discussed about a secret nikka but there no point of doing that if im still going to live with my family.

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