I want a baby but I can’t find a husband
The biological clock keeps ticking
Dear Sis,
I am 39 years old. I've been divorced nearly five years ago, ever since i have been asking Allah for another husband but my prayers are yet to be answered.
I am really getting frustrated and depressed about the matter because I will be 40 in few months time. I want to have a child but I don't want to have it out of wedlock but because time is so against me I feel the only option I have to have a child with just any man and that really breaks my heart.
What can I do? Are there any duas for a husband? I really need some advice.
Thanks,
- fatima911
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Inshaa Allah you will get a good hasband soon,
This is a difficult predicament to be in. I just turned 40 a few weeks ago. I dreaded it, because I've never been married or had a child, and that is really all I wanted.
I am in counselling over a recent heartbreak that I can't pull myself out of. When we speak of hope, my counsellor has said that I should have hope but be realistic that the chances of finding a muslim partner in time for me to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby may not happen.
For my own peace of mind I have had to accept that.
i pray a lot, constantly, and I have been praying constantly for children and a husband. My mother does as well. I don't believe that as muslims we have an "edge" over others in the general populuation in terms of getting what we want just because we pray for it -- if that were the case, then there wouldn't be so many unmarried muslim women over 35 sitting around in non-muslim countries. However, praying to God gives us hope and may bring peace to our hearts. And it may change our destiny, who knows.
That being said, if you are in a position where men are approaching you for marriage, you should seriously consider them, if what you really want is a child. That doesn't mean you accept "anybody" but perhaps you should refine your definition of who is acceptable. I am in a different position than you are - I have never received proposals or expressions of interest, in my 30s and I don't expect that is going to change now that I have turned 40. But if you are receiving expressions of interest, then think carefully about what you TRULY want. Just don't sacrifice your self-worth, or the essence of who you are, for that purpose.
My heart is broken becasue I know I will never be a mother. But you may be in a different position than me. Don't give up just yet. Women can have healthy pregnancies right up to age 42, these days.
Assalamualaikum,
i pray for you Allah SWT will makes ease things, amin.
You are on the track, stay in counseling but the most is ask Allah to makes ease your heart and be patient. He can turn the heart so easily.. i am dealing with heartbreak also..
Pray Tahajud every night.. and about pregnancy just have faith in allah SWT also.. my sister married in age of 37 and get pregnant almost 40, she have a healthy, clever boy now mashAllah..
As Salaam U Alaikum,
I would like to say that all of us as Muslims should learn from this. We should try to get our brothers, our sisters potential partners where possible. It is a part of a women's natural instinct to want to be a mother, it is very sad when any woman cannot have a child for medical or other reasons.
We shall pray that both ladies mentioned in this thread, are lucky enough to find good husbands and that they may have children.
Aameen.
Assalamu aleikum sisters in Islam!
Allah says:
"No disaster (whatever you think is heartbreaking) strikes except by permission of Allah . And whoever believes in Allah - He will guide his heart. And Allah is Knowing of all things" 64:11
"Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." 2.216
comment: May be sisters now we think something is good for our life, but may be it is not , for instance which life would you take without children or disabled child, but Allah knows very well which one is good for your life here and hereafter or may be He is delaying them for best time for you..sisters in Islam do not worry every thing happens for reason and every thing that happens to indivuals, in this Ware pre-described
What does Islam say about destiny and fate?
how does islam view destiny and fate ?
Praise be to Allaah.
Belief in destiny and fate is one of the basic beliefs of Islam. It means that Allaah is the Knower of all things and the Creator of all things; nothing exists outside of His will and decree. He wrote down all things with Him in al-Lawh al-Mahfooz (the Preserved Tablet), and this was fifty thousand years before He created the universe. Everything in the universe, every creature and the things it does, is the creation of Allaah. Whatever He wills happens, and whatever He does not will does not happen. If something happens to a person, it could not have missed him, and if something does not happen to him, it could not have happened to him. A person is not forced to obey or disobey Allaah – he has free will as befits his state, but it is subject to the will of the Creator. And Allaah knows best..
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
Assalamu aleikum sisters in Islam.
May be sisters now we think something is good for our life, but may be it is not , for instance which life would you take without children or disabled child, but Allah knows very well which one is good for your life here and hereafter or may be He is delaying them for best time for you..sisters in Islam do not worry every thing happens for reason and every thing that happens to indivuals, in this World is pre-described.....
Believe in Allah and do whatever good you can, if something unpleasunt happens to you or something you thing is great for you does not come just say "Allah wanted this and nobody can change except Him, o Allah I am happy with what you have given me, o Allah I wait that and that from you only"......
My sisters do you know that prophet Isa (Jesus) puh had not wife let alone children, our mother Aisha (our prophet`s Mohammed puh wife) she also had not children, so children is something that only Allah can give. Sisters do not give up of Allah`s mercy and the purpose of our life is not only to get children and raise them instead to worship Allah only as He ordained in His Kitab.
Try to get ilm a-naafi which means knowledge that has advantage, knowledge that teaches you about Creator of this universe and how He created it, what is the perpose of our life and so on and that is Islam...
If you cannot stay without children try to take one of your cousin`s child and raise him/her or try to get an orphan insha Allah.
Sisters in Islam I will make dua for you and you also for all of us insha Allah.
Allah knows best.
Sincerely your brother in Islam Abdullahi.
Abdullahi, these are all excellent reminders, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I am just 23 year old brother, but to be honest, although embarrassing to admit, I sometimes yearn for children. There was a time when I had no feelings about children...may be because there used to be small children in my family and the families with whom we are acquainted with. Then suddenly I realized that it has been so many years since I have played with a child. So, when I see a cute child now a days, I really feel to hold him and her and play with him/her. But then again, I never ever play with other people's children, lest they think that I am pedo. I know that my feeling is 200% pure, innocent, and also natural, I still prefer to keep my feeling within me and not demonstrate it 🙂
So yeah, I understand. If I can have such feelings sometimes, I can easily understand how difficult the situation can be for sisters, whom have been blessed with natural mother instinct.
That being said, brother Abdullahi has given the best piece of advice. No matter what is the situation, patience is the most fitting of it. So, have patience sisters, and make dua to Allah. And while making dua, it should be remembered that our Lord answers our dua. In Islam, dua is not to be made only to gain some spiritual or psychological solace. Rather, we make dua with FIRM belief that our Lord hears and answers our supplication. Allah said in the Quran:
And your Lord said: "Invoke Me, [i.e. believe in My Oneness (Islamic Monotheism)] (and ask Me for anything) I will respond to your (invocation). Verily! Those who scorn My worship [i.e. do not invoke Me, and do not believe in My Oneness, (Islamic Monotheism)] they will surely enter Hell in humiliation!" [The Noble Quran 40:60, Muhsin Khan translation]
Since the knowledge of Allah is complete and perfect, He knows what is the appropriate time to answer our dua. If a mom out of anger curses her son and if Allah accepts the dua, then will it not make the mom regret immensely for her action? Musa (A), a Messenger of Allah, made a dua to Allah and Allah made him wait 40 years to answer his dua. Why did Allah made His messenger wait? Because according to the divine wisdom, there were more blessing for Musa (A) in the delayed answer.
Also, there in an incident in Prophet Yusuf (A)'s life which shows us how getting answer as per our wish can later cause agony. When Zulaikha falsely accused Prophet Yusuf (A) of amorously approaching her (although the truth was otherwise) in front of her husbabd Aziz, Aziz decide to send Prophet Yusuf in jail. Prophet Yusuf then hastily invoked, "Then jail is better for me". Allah approved his dua. After spending years in jail, prophet Yusuf (A) got bored. This shows how merciful is Allah. If Allah had answered all our duas as per our wishes, it would have caused us more bad than good.
If our duas do not get answered at all, then surely we shall be reciprocated in the hereafter. Because Allah has promised that He will answer our dua. When people will see others getting recompensed for their dua in the hereafter, they would also wish that Allah had not answer their duas in this world.
With all that being said, I still encourage you to continue to ask Allah what you want. He granted Prophet Zakariah and Prophet Ibraheem (A) children when they were old. This is how Quran explained those incidents:
Has the story reached you, of the honored guests [three angels; Jibrael (Gabriel) along with another two] of Ibrahim (Abraham)? When they came in to him, and said, "Salam, (peace be upon you)!" He answered; "Salam, (peace be upon you )," and said: "You are a people unknown to me," Then he turned to his household, so brought out a roasted calf [as the property of Ibrahim (Abraham) was mainly cows]. And placed it before them, (saying): "Will you not eat?" Then he conceived a fear of them (when they ate not). They said: "Fear not." And they gave him glad tidings of an intelligent son, having knowledge (about Allah and His religion of True Monotheism). Then his wife came forward with a loud voice, she smote her face, and said: "A barren old woman!" They said: "Even so says your Lord. Verily, He is the All-Wise, the All-Knower." [51:24-30]
Kaf- Ha-Ya-'Ain-Sad. [These letters are one of the miracles of the Quran, and none but Allah (Alone) knows their meanings]. (This is) a mention of the mercy of your Lord to His slave Zakariya (Zachariah). When he called out his Lord (Allah) a call in secret, Saying: "My Lord! Indeed my bones have grown feeble, and grey hair has spread on my head, And I have never been unblest in my invocation to You, O my Lord! "And Verily! I fear my relatives after me, since my wife is barren. So give me from Yourself an heir, "Who shall inherit me, and inherit (also) the posterity of Ya'qub (Jacob) (inheritance of the religious knowledge and Prophethood, not the wealth, etc.). And make him, my Lord, one with whom You are Well-pleased!". (Allah said) "O Zakariya (Zachariah)! Verily, We give you the glad tidings of a son, His name will be Yahya (John). We have given that name to none before (him)." He said: "My Lord! How can I have a son, when my wife is barren, and I have reached the extreme old age." He said: "So (it will be). Your Lord says; It is easy for Me. Certainly I have created you before, when you had been nothing!" [19:1-9]
One last suggestion: How about adopting babies?
This incident highlights another thing: the parents need to be proactive when it comes to marrying their daughters off. Our deen is the deen of action. Of course Allah answers our supplication, but that does not prevent us from being active. Ever wonder why Quran says so many times "amilus swalihaat" or good deeds? To emphasize on righteous action, as belief alone in not enough to save us from punishment. Similarly in this duniya, we have to make effort and being proactive, alongside from making dua. If we are blessed with success after making effort, we say Alhamdulillah. If we are not blessed with success, we also say Alhamdulillah, because we are always happy with whatever state our Lord puts in.
Yes but we have to be respectful of our parents. If our parents choose to take a certain approach, for example they decide that dua is better than action and decide that if it is meant to be then someone will call them and ask for their daughter's hand, then we do not have the right to get mad at them. Yes, we can gently discuss with them etc but the reality is most girls are taught not to question their parents. If we live with them, we cannot go against their wishes.
So yes, we should be proactive. But at the same time, Islam tells us to respect our parents. So if our parents and families do not help us actively so we become mothers before age 40, that is it, we really can't do anything about it. Dua may bring a miracle, it may change destiny and counteract the decisions of our parents. But I think it is more likely that we are "stuck", and must have faith instead that Allah SWT will give us happiness in Paradise.
I have often read Sura Imraan because it recounts the story of Zakaria and Yahya. It is truly a beautiful story and a miracle. I thought, if I ever have a son, I will name him Imraan! But I have to remember something. This story gives us hope in God's mercy. But Zakaria needed an heir to his prophethood. He was divinely chosen by Allah SWT for a reason. The story tells us that God answers our prayers, but the particular miracle relayed in that story is likely one reserved for such divinely chosen beings as the holy prophets.
I was telling other parents to take lesson from what happened in your life.
Precious Star,
I agree that we must be respectful to our parents, but I do not agree that if our parents wish to rely solely on dua, then we should sit back as meek passive women. Islam does not teach this.
Our parents want good for their children naturally, but this does not mean that they always know best. If you notice a flaw in their approach and try to do change their opinion gently and it still does not work, is it right for you to then give in and become passive? It is culture which ingrains in women that they cannot speak, they cannot question or hold an opinion that is conflicts with the parents. If in such a situation, a woman remains passive, she will eventually begin to feel bitterness and resenment towards her parents and this is also not healthy for the soul, nor for her deen.
My point is, difficulty as it maybe to stand up to parents of certain cultures, we as individuals really need to be pro active for ourselves and quit relying on others to do things for us. As for the strength, that can only come from reliance on Allah.
Shakespeare's Hamlet comes to mind, I'm sure its Hamlet. Correct me if I am wrong, as I am typing while on the train, anyhow: 'To be, or not to be? That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them...'
We do not have to be meek little women really, do we? Once we have mentally emerged from that cultural cucoon we have been shelled in, we can speak, we can stand and we can achieve with our faith in tact, inshaAllah.
Apologies for the waffling, I havent actually read the intial post, so this is just a splurge of thought.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
ps, Apologies for the many typos! Typing from a phone with tiny buttons and while shaking on a train doesnt help.
Easier said than done, SisterZ. Here is an example of the prevailing cultural attitude toward women who wish to get married:
http://www.muslimsofcalgary.ca/data.php?s=6&action=5&id=301
I had the same discussion with my mother yesterday. I asked her if she had had any success in finding someone to introduce me to. I reminded her that she and my father did not introduce me to anyone last year, or the year before, or the year before, or the year before, etc., andit was time to become proactive. Her answer was very clear: there is no-one out there, lots of muslim girls age 40+ do not get married and I should accept that since I am living in a non-muslim country, and, how about I start looking for someone myself? When I reminded her that my options for "looking for someone myself" are fairly limited since I do not have access to a large, interconnected muslim network, she had no answer. Furthermore, when I did try to find myself, I ended up in a situation that caused an enormous amount of heartbreak that has scarred me forever - and yes, perhaps I shouldn't have put myself in that situation, but I was 39 and truly truly wanted to be with someone and have a family of my own.
Its a lose-lose situation. I am not generally meek; but when it comes to my parents, I don't have the werewithall to challenge them. My mother agrees that I did not put pressure on my parents and I abided by their rules. At this age, can I really force them to become proactive? I mean, they are eldely now! Soon, my siblings' children will be getting married.
As'salaamu alaikum sister,
you are in my duaas.
InshAllah please continue your search online--through many different websites--for a husband. For ex, halfourdeen.com , I recommend this one. InshAllah you may even find one with kids already that you can marry--possibly he had been divorced--free blessings for you already as you want children. =)
SubhaanAllah there are many many men online and inshAllah search smart for the right type of guy for you. Take care of your health and appearance so you can look beautiful, find your husband, have an attractive and loving marriage inshAllah.
Please don't consider IVF--invitro fertilization via a sperm bank. Allah has made the sperm of any man except our husband haraam for us. I'm thinking this has crossed your mind as we're in a modern society.
Please keep up the search, and is later in the years you are still unsuccessful, then adoption?
But I make duaa for your marriage as it will be easier for you and your future child to have him in your life.
One of my sisters just got married, she's in her late 40s, and met him online.
SO Ameen to you meeting someone soon, inshAllah may he be right for you and may Allah Bless your upcoming marriage! Make sincere duaa! Perhaps Allah wants you to ask Him with your whole heart and wants to bring you closer to Him via prayer.
Make duaa for us all.
Love,
one of your sisters in Islam.
Assalam O Aalikum sister "Precious star" and "sister fatima911",
May Allah swt ease your pain and sufferings and help you find a pious practising husband who will be a source of knowledge and happiness for you both and helps you to increase your iman Insha Allah.
Dear sisters I don't know your situations and right from the day one when this question was posted, I have been following this thread and also sister "precious star", I have been reading your responses/comments/replies under different questions. I can't explain how I feel about all this what is going on in Muslim world just due to the vast prevailing cultural practices especially a lot of sisters are struggling to find spouses for themselves and our society including their parents are not helping at all in fact, they are making things further difficult for them.
Dear sisters, have you both considered men who are divorced, widowed, separated with or without children. I personally think if you sisters try this then Insha Allah there are more chances of finding a Muslim brother. I know it is difficult to consider someone who has children or without children been divorced, or separated but sisters there is no harm in getting to know someone. Who knows may be you find a very nice practicing brother who will be your best friend, someone to cheer you sisters up when you are down, a shoulder to cry, a brother who will protect you Insha Allah.
Sister, personally there is no harm in getting to know someone who is divorced with or without kids. Just to let you know that I am in the process of getting to know a sister who was once married (for just 2 days) and masha Allah I find her quite the kind of girl I feel that I can spend the rest of my life. She isn't that pretty for the records and doesn't have a university degree, doesn't speak fluent English, but guess what SHE IS A TEACHER(MUALIMA) IN A MOSQUE AND TEACHS QURAN WITH TAJWEED AND TAFSEER.
My prayers are with you and pray for all the brothers and sisters out there who are struggling in the same way.
Your brother MKS1982:)-
We as muslims I believe we are brothers and sisters and Islam should have it's remarkable and affective role in our social life, I'm sure if we work on that we can minise our maital and other problems. You the youth of Islam worldwide I believe you know better than I know please think it out to make the way out,
I'm maried to two wives, at the begining it was very difficult to cope with but I prayed to Allah to help me make my family happy, after few months I have a happy family (two wives)
This because I am transbarent and treat them equilly as wives,
What I want to say, you ladies and gentele men think of maridge in a wromg way, take it easy and make it the way possible to be, and be goog muslim as much as you can be,
I think the main problem is taht we need to be realistic and good people,