Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to give up; this pain is too much

I am in such pain

I am in such pain

salaam,

This is painful to write, but this situation has caused me to give up on life and pray for death. Growing up all I have seen and been through is pain: seeing my mother go through abuse, and me being sexually, physically and mentally abused. I feel like I don't have a purpose on this earth anymore. I don't trust men, especially Pakistani men or their families, because a lot of Muslim Pakistani people have hurt us and its hard to trust anyone. I pray to Allah to ease my pain, but all I do is cry.  I am so close to committing suicide. I feel like I have suffered too much in my life, and I know that if I do such an act it will be classed as haram.

The other thing is that I have fallen in love with a non-Muslim man who is Sikh. Both of us have strong feelings for each other, but I know this is also haram so we backed off. But if someone can treat you right, respect you and is willing to look after you your whole life, doesn't that mean anything? I have never trusted a man in my life apart from him.

I feel like I am being punished, and I am not supposed to be happy in this life...so what is the point of living anymore? I pray for a better life and I end up getting hurt even more.  I know people say 'through hardship comes ease', but maybe I was given bad luck. I have suffered enough and my heart can't handle any more pain. I believe in Allah so much and I know He does things for a reason, but I am suffering and I don't want any more pain in my life. I don't understand why a muslim individual can not marry a non-muslim, but raise the children as muslim? Can you please advise me what to do? I am so unhappy.

-ifsa


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17 Responses »

  1. ASSALAMALAIKUM
    DEAR 1ST KNOW THE MEANING OF A NON MUSLIM
    IT MEANS HE IS DENIER OF ALLAH DUE TO THAT YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO MARRY HIM AND BEAR CHILLDREN-AND WITH HIS PROGENY YOU WANT EXPECT FAITHFULNESS???? YOUR CRIME IS THIS THAT WHICH HARAM IN ISLAM DING IT IS CRIME-I have fallen in love with a non-Muslim man who is Sikh
    VERY SORRY SIMPLE LOGIC A PERSON WHO DOES NOT HAVE ADMISSION IN A SCHOOL CAN HE ENTER THE GATES LEAVE ALONE GOING TO CLASS FOR ATTENDING IT-

    HE IS REJECTED FROM THE GATE ITSELF BY THE PEON WHO ALSO KNOWS THIS PERSON PUPIL DOES NOT BELONG TO THIS SCHOOL AND CHASES HIM AWAY LIKE WISE THE KUFFAR ARE ENEMIES OF THE TAWHEED OF ALLAH AND ISLAM AND THE PROPHET AND THE WHOLE MUSLIM UMMAH AND THAT ALSO A SARDAR JI A SIKH-THEY HAVE CUT MILLIONS OS MUSLIMS BODIES FILLED LONG TRAINS AND SENT THEM TO PAKISTAN IN THE PARTITION OF INDIA THEY HAVE VERY VERY STRONG POISON IN THEIR HEARTS WHAT THIS PERSON IS SHOWING YOU IS FALSE PRETENSE AND THEY WONT LEAVE THEIR RELIGION FOR THE SAKE OF GIRL LIKE YOU- HE IS PASSING TIME WITH YOU BEWARE STOP HIS CONTACT IMMIDIATELY-
    The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu `alaihi wa sallam, said: “The master of invocations for forgiveness is that the servant says:
    ‘Allãhumma ‘anta rabbee, lã ‘ilãha ‘illã ‘anta, khalaqtanee, wa ‘anã `abduka, wa ‘anã `alã `ahdika wa wa`dika mastata`tu, ‘a`outhu bika min sharri ma sana`tu, ‘aboo’u laka bini`matika ‘alayya, wa ‘aboo’u bithambee, faghfirlee fa’innahu lã yaghfiru ‘aththunooba ‘illã ‘anta.
    O’ my ‘ilãh You are my Lord, there is no ‘ilãh but You. You created me, and I am your bond servant, and I will stick to my covenant and promise [of faith and sincere obedience] to You, as to my ability. I seek refuge in You from the evil of what I have done, I acknowledge, to You, your bounties upon me, and I acknowledge, to You, my sin. Thus forgive me, for none forgives sins except You.
    Whoever says this as he enters upon evening, then, dies that night, he would enter Paradise; and if one says this as he enters upon morning, then, dies that day, he would enter Paradise”. [Al-Bukhari]
    The servant is always in the blessings of Allah which necessitate thankfulness, and in sinfulness which requires seeking forgiveness. Both of these matters are required and essential for the servant at all times, as the servant does not cease to alternate between Allaah’s (various) favors and blessings, and does not cease to be in need of repentance and seeking forgiveness.
    The Power of Istighfar – Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness of Allah)
    People often forget the importance of the simple yet powerful dua (supplication) – Istighfar i.e., saying “Astaghfirullah” (I seek forgiveness of Allah). Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to recite this at least 100 times a day. Let us see the benefits and virtues of reciting this simple beautiful supplication insha Allah.
    Istighfar (Astaghfirullah) is the gateway of relief and happiness. Whenever you are in distress start reciting it and Insha Allah it will take you out of your anxiety and will put you in a peaceful situation and will give you happiness.
    Istighfar removes anxiety and duas are answered.
    Istighfar opens the door of sustenance.
    Istighfar opens the door of mercy.
    Istighfar opens the door of knowledge.
    Istighfar is also gateway of productivity.
    Istighfar relieves you. When you feel that sadness within you, when you are disturbed and frustrated, when anxiety surrounds you, say “Astaghfirullah” “Astaghfirullah”…
    Reciting Astaghfiruallah is an effective method of calming our self and wipes away the variety of worldly worries from our mind and body. It may also help us, if we are suffering from depression, it calm us and lessen our depression.
    Astaghfirullah also helps us to refrain from all forms of sins. Regularly saying this reminds us that Allah is everywhere and in this way there is very small chances of doing wrongful actions.
    Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
    “If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].
    In another hadith, Abdullah bin Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) narrates that Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said:
    “The one who (regularly) says Istighfaar, that is, frequently repent to Allah Ta’aala for sins committed, Allah Azza Wa-Jal will open a path from poverty and difficulties. All sorrow and hardship will be removed, and in its place prosperity and contentment granted. One will receive sustenance from unimagined and unexpected sources.”
    Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) has said in another Hadith:
    “The one who seeks forgiveness for Muslim males and females from Allah Ta’aala twenty six or twenty five times every day, Allah Ta’ala will count that person among those whose Du’a is accepted, and through the barakah of whom those on earth gain Rizq (sustenance).”
    WAIT WITH PATIENCE ALLAH WILL SEND THE ONE HE FIXED FOR YOU WHEN YOU WERE 3 MONTHS IN YR MOTHERS WOMB-
    REGARDS

  2. Walekum as salam . Your decisions of backing off from marriage and avoiding suicide is right as this shows your obidience to ALLAH . May allah bless you and your mother . Today i knew about your problem so i will ask ALLAH to guide your father and family on right path . I was just searching for a website which could answer my islamic question , in the process i reached this page while my question remained unanswered.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      If you wish advice on a particular question, you're welcome to submit a post for publication on the site. Posts aren't published immediately, due to the volume of posts received, but we do post them all - at the moment there is a wait of about 6 weeks between submission and publication.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  3. stop listening to music songs especially those ones which you assume that they match your feelings.

    start praying Salah

    join pure matrimony site or contact through sister group in masjid and find for righteous grooms{real pious men who fear Almighty AllahSWT}

    how do you know who is good? sleep early,get up at 230AM and do wudu and ask for AllahSWT's mercy in dua.

    dont trust any man,only trust those men who fear AllahSWT.

    look for inner beauty righteousness and not outer beauty.

    stop talking with males thinking they are friends,you may get used up again.

    Salam

  4. I am sorry to know you and your mom have been treated badly by Pakistanis. Pakistan means land of pure (Muslims) and Pakistanis represent the pious Muslims.

    I don't think dating non-Muslims is a good idea.

    • ASSALAMALAIKUM
      DEAR SVS THE MEANING IS VERY GOOD BUT THE PEOPLE& AMAAL ARE OPPOSITE-
      THIS ONE PERSON ABOVE TOLD ABOUT THEM MILLIONS OF REVERTS KNOW THEY WERE TAKEN FOR A RIDE LOOSING VIRGINITY AND ALSO THEY WERE DECEIVED FOR GREEN CARD AND FINALLY MANY LOST TRUST IN ALLAH AND HIS DEEN [ISLAM ]
      LAND OF PURE MUSLIMS ARE HARMING THIS WAY AND THOSE WHO RETURNED BACK TO CHRISTIANITY AFTER THEY WERE DECIEVED AND THE LINAGE OF FUTURE GENERATION MUSLIMS LOST DUE TO THIS IS A VERY VERY HEIOUNESS CRIME-
      IN KHAYAMAH DONT KNOW WHAT PUNISHMENTS ALLAH HAS STORED FOR THE CULPRITS THIS COUNTRIES RECORD IS THE HIGHEST IN THIS GREEN CARD SCAM IN THINK-

  5. Since you have been sexually, physically and mentally abused, talking to a good Muslimah (counsellor) may help you. I hope you still don't live around people who abused you.

  6. Your post made me cry,
    Last night, I was at a talk on depression, body images, relationship issues, and issues Muslim youth face in college. When I got home, alone in my bed, all the negative thoughts, the things I have wished to forget came back to haunt me. See, we all have those struggles, but what amazes me is that there are people out there who have heavier burden, but still find the way to hold it together. Last night, the speakers truly inspired me. And if there is something I would like you to remember, is that hardships are a way to bring us back to Allah (S.W). Do not give up, do not give up on your life, do not give up on yourself. See, life is like school and the difficulties are the exams and we are meant to graduate from it: our degree shall be Jannah in sha Allah.
    Keep breathing, ask Allah (S.W) for strength and sabr, and I sincerely hope that He makes it easier on you. I love you for the sake of Allah (S.W), as a sister in Islam and you will make it through. I bet you are strong enough to make it through. Allah (S.W) also loves you, UNCONDITIONALLY. Do not forget this 🙂

  7. Bismillahirrahmaanirrahiym
    wassalaatu wassalaamu alaa Rasulillah saws

    Dear sister ,..

    Don't lose hope of the mercy of Allah,.for in every difficulty there is surely ease. Trust Allah is going to send that ease and don't give up hope. Hope is one of the things that makes us human.
    Know oh dear sister,... that all people who commit suicide will be in hell fire.It is not merely haram,..but will result in being in Hell forever or till Allah wills.

    It is narrated on the authority of Abu Huraira that the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) observed: He who killed himself with steel (weapon) would be the eternal denizen of the Fire of Hell and he would have that weapon in his hand and would be thrusting that in his stomach for ever and ever, he who drank poison and killed himself would sip that in the Fire of Hell where he is doomed for ever and ever; and he who killed himself by falling from (the top of) a mountain would constantly fall in the Fire of Hell and would live there for ever and ever.

    Thabit b. Dahhak reported that he pledged allegiance to the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) under the Tree, and verily the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) observed: He who took an oath of a religion other than Islam, in the state of being a liar, would became so, as he professed. He who killed himself with a thing would be tormented on the Day of Resurrection with that very thing. One is not obliged to offer votive offering of a thing which is not in his possession.

    It is narrated on the authority of Thabit b. Dahhak that the Apostle of Allah (may peace be upon him) observed: He who took deliberately a false oath on a religion other than Islam would become that which he had professed. And he who killed himself with anything Allah would torment him with that in the Fire of Hell.

    So you see dear sister,. Rethink your decisions. Don't go in this direction for certainly what you are experiencing here will be nothing compared to what you will experience in the hell fire. I know many people who have experienced what you have and ten times more. I understand how you are feeling. Try to find a counselor or get some therapy if you can . Insha'Allah this will help
    Also,.. take solace in the Quran majid by reciting it everyday because in the reciting and reading of the holy Quran is a remedy for all ailments of the heart.
    Quran is a miracle that Allah revealed to His prophet (s.a.w.s) and it is a blessing for humanity. The Quran is not only a guidance for mankind but Allah has also made it a spiritual cure and healing for all types of ailments. This includes treatment of all worldly problems, physical and psychological ailments, and spiritual (evil eye, sihr, and so on.) The Creator has clearly told us that the words of the Quran are a “shifa” (healing) for all and, therefore, when used with real belief in one’s heart, this form of treatment can bring miraculous cure to all forms of ailments. Allah says in the Quran:
    And We send down of the Quran that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe… (Quran, Surah Al-Israa, 17:82)
    Also look into getting some ruqya done because it may be that you have a jinn that is trying to destroy you or hurt you . So you may want to look into being tested for having jinn Insha'Allah.

    wassalaam

  8. Assalamu Alaikum my dear sister

    I'm very sorry to hear about your sufferings. I'm also Pakistani and I find people of my parents generations from Pakistan follow traditions instead of deen. I have loss two sons due to genetic diseases and my husband soon after the passing of my second became extremely temperamental, verbally abusive, mentally abusive and at times physically abusive. Alhumdullilah I have another beautiful 16 yr old child who keeps me going. My husband and I have been living in separate bedrooms for over 6 years, and inshallah when the time is right I will divorce him. Its been about five years since I have been begging my parents to give me their blessing for khula, but they say that they will disown me, because alhumdullilah my husband is a good provider and he has never cheated on me.

    I have been through many dark months in my life and used to dua to leave this temporary world and be with my children in the next life, but my life would get darker and darker. Now I leave everything to my creator, the owner of this universe, and pray for ease serenity and guidance. The thing that really helped me is watching nouman Ali khan and mufti menk and then I start to see light again. Our deen is alhumdullilah so beautiful. I know your desire is to be with this non Muslim, but that's the shaytan trying to mis guide you. Have saber and be obedient to Allah swt and dua for much better then this guy and though your obedience Allah will reward you itch so much better. Say adhkars daily, read the 3 quls right after fajar, and read postings like this, to show you that your life is better off then others. Though it might be difficult right now focus on five positives in your life everyday and say alhumdullilah. Such as your eyesight, your mother, your walking legs, you are living in a land with freedom, the beautiful flowers, running water, food set on the table....

    My heart aches for you and the thousands others who are suffering right now. May allah grant us all peace, harmony, joy and serenity.

    Sincerely,
    Your Muslim sis

    • Sister my heart weeps for you and all in a similar situation as you, including myself. I know you must have done this already but try to get out of there with the help of Allah. Please go to a women's shelter home at least. Get some money (its not stealing, it is your right, eg Abu Sufyan's wife said to the Prophet Sm she couldnt stop stealing from her husband and he smiled and said that much is allowed) and run away. There is Panah Shelter Home in Karachi, Pakistan and Sarim Burney Trust International eg. Google for more options. Pray with kasrat (excessively) to Allah esp during Tahujjud. May Allah Protect and Guide you and all of us. Amen.

  9. The journey of life often encompasses difficulties, challenges, trials and tribulations. With the right frame of mind and positive attitude we can come out of each “dark tunnel” better, stronger and wiser.

    We have a choice on how we respond to life’s “storms.” Either we can cast blame while becoming resentful and bitter or we can be positive and turn to Allah Ta’ala and exercise patience. Every hurdle we face in life has a meaning and Allah Ta’ala will not expose us to a burden we cannot endure. “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an: 2:286).
    “Great reward comes with great trials. When Allah loves a people, He tests them, and whoever accepts it attains His pleasure, whereas whoever shows discontent with it incurs His wrath.” (Hadith- Tirmidhi)

    “…….If anything befalls you, do not say ‘If only I had done (such and such), the such and such would have happened,’ rather say: ‘Allah has decreed and what He wills He does , for (saying) ‘if only’ opens the door to the work of the shaytaan(devil).” (Hadith-Muslim ).
    As part of our Imaan (faith), we believe that all matters are in the hands of Allah Ta’ala. However, our Imaan can get shaken during times of trials and hardships. It is during such times though that we should remind ourselves that a believer’s position and rank is raised in front of Allah and that such a hardship may very well be a sign of Allah’s love for the believer. This can help us in maintaining and even strengthening our faith.
    Once a boy found a cocoon of a butterfly and took it home. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.

    Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. Then the boy decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.
    But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The boy continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
    Neither happened!

    In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

    What the boy in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were Allah Ta’ala's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

    Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If Allah allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would sometimes cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been and possibly never be able to “fly”.

    Sometimes we need heat and warmth to ripen fruit and sometimes cold is needed in certain fruit to complete the ripening process. So exactly is the same in life sometimes we may have to undergo various conditions that may appear to be unfavourable so that we “ripen” and are ready for the onward journey.

    I wise person once said: “ I asked for Strength...And Allah gave me Difficulties to make me strong. I asked for Wisdom...And Allah gave me Problems to solve. I asked for Prosperity...And Allah gave me Brain and Brawn to work. I asked for Courage...And Allah gave me Danger to overcome. I asked for Love...And Allah gave me Underprivileged people to help. I asked for Favours...And Allah gave me Opportunities. I received nothing I wanted ...Yet I received everything I needed!”
    Accepting and enduring our condition and the Divine Decree of Allah Ta’ala can help us in not only shedding burdens of the past but to also win Allah’s pleasure. Suppressing our urge to blame others for the pains that we encounter by maintaining a positive mindset can help us maintain a less stressful life and promote healthy relationships.

    “Nothing befalls a believer, a (prick of a) thorn or more than that, but Allah will raise him one degree in status thereby, or erase a bad deed.” (Hadith-Bukhaari )
    Hardships and trials are part of everyone’s life. The important thing is for us to have the right attitude of trusting Allah and His plans when facing such hardships and trials. During such trying times, always remember that nothing happens without the Will of Allah. Second, we may not know that our trials and hardships may be part of a bigger plan of which we may have only limited knowledge. It’s only at a later stage when the bigger Plans of Allah reveal themselves to everyone. We can see an example of this from the following verse of Qur’an-Surah Yousuf that when the step brothers of Prophet Yousuf (peace be upon him) were taking him to throw him into a dark well, Allah revealed to Prophet Yousuf (AS) that,”Allah will bring about, after hardship, ease.” (Qur’an, 65:7) and this is exactly what happened.

    Allah also reminds us:"…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know." (Qur’an-Surah Baqarah: 216)

    “There is a blessing in calamity that the wise man should not ignore, for it erases sins, gives one the opportunity to attain the reward for patience, dispels negligence, reminds one of blessings at the time of health, calls one to repent and encourages one to give charity and endure.”
    Life is a learning curve and the challenges are there to make us stronger and to condition us and build us emotionally, spiritually and physically for the greater challenges that we will encounter tomorrow. Outwardly circumstances may be perceived as hardships but in reality they may really be blessings in disguise!

    • Alhumdullilah, so beautifully said, Hooria. The butterfly story and the wise story about asking for strength were stories that I needed sabhanalah. Was going through a rough emotional time but alhumdullilah your post turned me around. Ifsa I hope you are doing well. I get so worried when I don't see a follow-up post on someone who saids "that they don't see a reason to live anymore". May Allah ease all our sufferings.

      May Allah reward the person who started this site!

  10. Pakistani men are not meant to be trusted, i was cheated too by a pakistani!
    may Allah bless u with harmony in the coming future 🙂

    • Unfair and unkind generalization. Some of the most honorable, charitable and hard working men I know are Pakistani.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. Times are difficult but there is always a way to get out of your problems. Don't lose hope of the mercy of Allah,.for in every difficulty there is surely ease. Trust Allah is going to send that ease and don't give up hope. Hope is one of the things that makes us human. Know oh dear sister,... that all people who commit suicide will be in hell fire.It is not merely haram,..but will result in being in Hell forever or till Allah wills.

    Jazakillah.

  12. Salam sister,
    I read your story and I felt I was reading mine. I know you must have done this already but try to get out of there with the help of Allah. Please go to a women's shelter home at least. Get some money (its not stealing, it is your right, eg Abu Sufyan's wife said to the Prophet Sm she couldnt stop stealing from her husband and he smiled and said that much is allowed) and run away. There is Panah Shelter Home in Karachi, Pakistan and Sarim Burney Trust International. Google for more options. Pray with kasrat (excessively) to Allah esp during Tahujjud. May Allah Protect and Guide you and all of us. Amen.

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