Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want my boyfriend to pay for my hymen restoration

regret

Assalamu Alaykum Wr Wb...

I used to be a practicing, wise muslimah. I still am well; I am trying but not like before. My life changed three years ago, when I got into my first haram relationship. We were together for three years and during that time (out of guilt of having an argument to prove to my boyfriend I loved him, and that I would wait for him to marry me until three years into his degree) I gave him my virginity. He was not a virgin, but he made a promise that he will marry me after three years which is now the time he was supposed to.

We committed zina a lot. I did feel guilty and remorseful about it so I would start to make tawbah and plead to him to talk to his family about us marrying. He would try once then give up. He told me he would not keep asking because it causes conflicts in his house, but I come from a background if a girl is found not to be a virgin she will be exposed and shamed. Because I didn't want to risk it I told him to pay for my hymen restoration surgery as this will prevent me from getting my sin exposed, as already there was rumors about me; and I can't risk getting married to someone else.

This is why at 23 I am still not married. I am afraid I will be exposed. He refused and said it was unislamic. I told him then do the Islamic thing and make tawbah and marry me but he refused. So I pleaded him to give me the money for the hymen restoration, but he said no. Yet he commits haram all the time; on top of that he has the money for it because he bought a Porsche for himself.

Everyday wallahi I go through hell. I can't stop crying; I regret what I did so much to the extent I self harmed and was going to commit suicide. On top of that, from the age of 16 someone did black magic on me to not get married. Sometimes I think the black magic played a major role because I was never like this wallahi. How can a practicing person fall into this trap so quickly? I hate what I did with passion, the only thing that gives me peace is salah. I want Allah swt to punish him for he knew I was a virgin yet he emotionally took advantage of the moment. If he knew he was not going to marry me why did he lead me on and use me? I feel violated. I know it's not rape, but why do I feel used and violated like dirt?

Regarding the hymen restoration, I spoke to a few practicing people and they said it's best I do it because of my family background- if they would do find out it would cause havoc. So how can I get him to pay for it? Wallahi, it still would not heal the wound of pain I go through everyday, knowing I disobyed Allah,  and gave my husband's rights to someone else and went behind my parents back. Allahu mustaqeen.

From what I have seen, he uses bits of islam against me when it suits him- like his parents do not mind their sons committing zina as long they get their degree (even if they are oblivious they somewhat know). Personally I do not want to marry into a family like that, I want my children in the future to be raised in an Islamic environment. I know what I did was wrong, and I know everything about Zina in Islam.

Please do not judge me, but give me your advise what to do in this situation. I think the hymen will protect me in the dunya and in akhira, I just have to hold on to the rope of Allah swts mercy.  This only a summary of the story.

Please make dua for me, I know you don't know me but please do.
JazakAllahu khayrun,

-ranad

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149 Responses »

  1. wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    May Allah have mercy on you. I can say, I would not like my future wife to have done this. If I ever found out it occured, I would divorce her. Think about it from your future husbands perspective. Would you want to be deceived like that? A great number of men, including myself, put the highest regard for chastity before marriage. So how is it fair that we are looking for a girl who never did zina and then we are fooled and betrayed like this?

    Since I'm not in your position, all I can think of is the position I would be in which is closest.

    Don't blame your boyfriend for zina or black magic. Black magic doesn't cause you to do zina(because then you would be insane and not responsible for the sin no?.) You committed the sin and you must repent for it. You should make dua for a good husband who will not expose your secret. What about all those virigin Muslimahs who preserved their chastity-one of them might lose out on a future husband that might be married to you because you did the surgery while they remained chaste and your future husband wanted someone who never did zina!!!

    If your future husband finds out, you can divorce, and then your act of zina will be hidden from the people because no husband after that will be expecting you to be a virgin.

    I am sorry, but you simply cannot through the burden of your sin on someone else. You are entirely responsible for your share in the sin.

    The reason you feel violated is because you violated yourself. It wasn't him who "emotionally took advantage of you" or Shaytan whose "whispers were too strong" it was you who fell for the temptation.

    All is not lost. If you repent, it's like you never committed the sin. The hadith goes, the repenter of the sin is like one who has no sin. Although society and your future husband might not accept it, it is Allah who appreciated even the slightest good in his slaves. If any slave tries to repent, he appreciates it, and he is extremely forgiving(ghafoor), always merciful(raheem).

    "I think the hymen will protect me in the dunya and in akhira"

    Do not delude yourself into thinking whatever is going to help you in this dunya is going to help you in the akhirah.

    Here is a fatwa which goes through both points, whether or not hymen reconstruction is halal.
    http://islamqa.info/en/ref/844
    In the end however, you have to seek guidance from Allah and make dua for a husband that will not divorce you over this because even if you do deceive him, he still might find out later. Allah exposes whatever sins he would like.

    • assalamualaikum brother , will you divorce your wife if she had repented from sin she and is clean and pious and is on right path still will you divorce her do you think Allah will like this , as i have a friend before i met her she who was into bad company and she had committerdd such sin but now if u see her she is so much changed into hijab and offer salah strictl and is married and have two kids now she is in saudi arabia now and you knw she had said her husband everything before her marriage through phone abt her past you know what he replied still he want to marry her as what hapend was her past and she has repented and he want to think about akhira with her more than this life , Allah s.w.t is judge and we must think twice before making decision

      jazakallah khair

      • A zaani who repented must follow the rules of Allah!
        The Quran states 'A zaani must only marry a zaaniyah and such people are HARAM FOR THE MUMINS.' So, why do you ask a mumin if he refuses to take someone who is declared haram for him?
        Our prophet (saw) said, ' The one flogged for zina should never marry anyone but someone similarly punished.'
        A zaani who is flogged and got the shariah punishment is also forbidden to marry a chaste, so how will someone who says tauba and corrects himself be exempted from the law of Allah?
        Umar (RA) nullified the marriage of a zani who married a chaste, saying 'go find someone like yourself to marry' he didn't say 'ok you repented and Allah forgave you so you can be happily married'
        I dont know how do people talk all against these clear Islamic rulings?

        • -1- I think we should understand the definition of a zani. Is this an Islamic term? Does Allah use this term as a category or a definition?

          -2- Who is permissible to whom?

          -3-. What is permitted, forbidden, and what is sunnah?

          -4- A mushrik that repented, is he still Mushrik or Mu'min

          -5- A Kafir that reverted to Islam, is he still a Kafir or Mu'min?

          -6- A Zani that repented, is he still considered a Zani or Mu'min?

          -7-What is the concept of repentance?

          -8- What is the concerpt of Iman?

          Allah (s.w.t) says:

          "The adulterer (who has not repented) shall marry none but an adulteress (who has not repented) or an idolatress (who hasn't repented); and the adulteress shall marry none but an adulterer (who hasn't repented) or an idolater (who hasn't repented). That has been prohibited for the believers (and for those who repented and became Mu'minoon). (Quran 24: 3)

          Sheikh Ibn Bazz and Shiekh Ibn Al-Utheimeen and the majority of the scholars of Fiqh and the scholars of the Quran interpretation have agreed on that, according to the Ayah above a Zani/Zaniyah who has sincerely repented is a Mu'min, and therefore can marry a chaste, and vice versa.

          As to the hadith, "The one flogged for zina should/does not marry anyone but someone similarly punished," the majority of Scholars do not look at it as a rule, instead they look at it as a choice. However, Imam Ahmed is the one who was very strict on the idea that a man who has committed Zina before is not allowed to be given a chaste in marriage, though he also said, until the zani is asked to repent and he did so sincerely.

          • assalamualaikum thanks for this share brother 🙂

          • Just to complete the message regarding the Hadith.

            There are two types among those who are flogged for zina:

            -1- The one who sincerely repented after the punishment (this include the one who sincerely repented but didn't get flogged). This believer, can marry anyone among the believers, be it a chaste or unchaste (Here it's a choice).

            -2-The one who never repented after the punishment or still has Fahisha characteristics.This is the one no one should risk giving his daughter to in marriage; therefore, he should marry none but one similar to himself (Here it's highly recommended, like a rule).

            Allah knows best.

          • to be honest nowadays I really don't understand how the opinion of a scholar differ so much from clear statements of Quran and hadith?
            Anyway I believe what is clear from the Quran and hadith and the practice of the sahaba, that a zani cannot marry a chaste. salam

        • AsSalaamu Alaikum,

          Well, the Holy Quran and the Hadith is not like a story book, which you just read and deduce a clear rule. There are principles of understanding the sayings of Allah and that of the Prophet (s.a.w.s). If you could be able to answer the 8 questions I have asked you above correctly, then you could be able to interpret the Quranic verse and the Hadith you have quoted, and that could even assist you in understanding why Sayyiduna Umar (r.a) did what he did (if it really happened). Was there any indication that the zani really repented, and then Umar (r.a) nullified the marriage???

          One thing you should understand for sure is that, most of the time when you hear "the zani" or "the one who has been flogged for zina" it means "the zani who has not repented yet". A zani getting flogged does not mean he has repented. Due to that, you will hear Allah/The Prophet/The Sahabah and many of scholars saying "the zani" and they actually mean, "the zani who hasn't repented yet."

          However, the scholars did not differ on the matter concerning the zani who has repented marrying a chaste. We did not hear/see any of the scholars going against it. What they actually differed on is as to whether, the marriage of a zani to a chaste will be valid before repentance. The majority of the scholars didn't see it to be invalid (since the sin is between him and Allah), though they highly recommend the repentance before the marriage. But Imam Ahmed bin Hanbal, was the only one who said it will be invalid until the zani is asked to repent and he/did so sincerely before or after the marriage.

          But to ignore many arguments, let us allow the Holy Quran to interpret itself.

          In the above Ayah (Quran 24: 3). There is an indication that the zani shall only marry a zani or a Mushrik. Fine, but the question is, can a zani who has repented really marry a Mushrik? Will the Islamic law allow him to do so? To make things simple for you to understand, the Holy Quran has answered this: Allah (s.w.t) says:

          "Do not marry idolatresses (Mushrikaat), unless they have believed. A believing maid is better than an idolatress (a Mushrikah), even if you like her. And do not marry (your daughters to the) idolaters (Mushrikeen), unless they have believed. A believing servant is better than an idolater (a Mushrik), even if you like him. These call to the Fire, but God calls to the Garden and to forgiveness, by His leave. He makes clear His communications to the people, that they may be mindful." (Quran 2: 221).

          The Holy Quran has answered itself clearly, but the only thing that could help you understand this answer is for you to first understand, who a believer (a Mu'min) is, and then understand whether or not, a sinner repenting from his/her sin is also a believer (a Mu'min)?

          Most of the Sahabahs (r.a) were idolaters (Mushrikoon) and committed all type of sins before Islam. And being a Mushrik (an idolater who associate partnership with Allah) is in itself the greatest of all great sins- no sin on earth can ever be compared to it. As Allah has mentioned in the Holy Quran, that he can forgive all sins (including zina), regardless of whether the sinner repented or not, except the sins of the idolaters unless they sincerely repented before their death. Allah the Almighty says:

          "God does not forgive association with Him, but He forgives anything less than that to whomever He wills. Whoever associates anything with God has devised a monstrous sin. Have you not considered those who claim purity for themselves? Rather, God purifies whom He wills, and they will not be wronged a whit. See how they devise lies against God. That alone is an outright sin." (Quran 4: 48-50).

          So if the Sahabah who were idolaters before Islam, committed the greatest of all sins, eventually repented and were forgiven by Allah, and they became those whom Allah is referring to as "believers" in the Holy Quran, then what makes you believe that a zani who also repented is not a believer in the sight of Allah?

          If you say this for a knowledge you possess, “Produce your evidence, if you are truthful.” (Quran 27: 64). However, if you say this without any knowledge, then turn to Allah in repentance. "Those who tempt the believers, men and women, then do not repent; for them is the punishment of Hell; for them is the punishment of Burning." (Quran 85: 10)."Those who harm believing men and believing women, for acts they did not commit (or for acts they have been forgiven), bear the burden of perjury and a flagrant sin." (Quran 33: 58).

          "And among the people is he who argues about God (or about the Mercy and Forgiveness of Allah) without knowledge, or guidance, or an enlightening scripture." (Quran 22: 8)

          You may also want to check this link:

          http://www.islam-qa.com/en/199600

          Hope this helps, and Allah knows best.

          • I actually forgot to add the below Ayahs somewhere above. As these Ayahs in themselves enough to resolve the matter.

            And those who do not implore besides God any other god, and do not kill the soul which God has made sacred—except in the pursuit of justice—and do not commit adultery (Zina). Whoever does that will face penalties. The punishment will be doubled for him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will dwell therein in humiliation forever. Except for those who repent, and believe, and do good deeds. These—God will replace their bad deeds with good deeds. God is ever Forgiving and Merciful.
            (Quran 25: 68-70)

          • JazakAllah Br. Issah...May Allah reward you many-fold for your research and information that you have shared here.

          • Actually, there may be a question. If the one who has repented, has been exempted from the Ayah (Quran 24: 3), and will not be allowed to marry a Mushrikah/Idolatress, then is the Zani who hasn't repented allowed to marry a Mushrikah/Idolatress? The Answer is still "NO" as long as he stays in Islam.

            There are two types among the Zanis who have not repented.

            -1- The Zani in Islam (a Muslim). He cannot marry a Mushrikah/Idolatress, nor any Zaniyah who is out of Islam. He can only marry a Zaniyah who is a Muslim, like the one flogged for zina.

            -2-And the Zani who is out of Islam (a Mushrik/Kafir). He can marry any Zaniyah who is not a Muslim, like the Mushrikah/Idolatress.

            These two group of Zanis are both found in the Ayah (Quran 24: 3), but they are separated in terms of the Shari'a laws governing each one of them. And such separation is done through gathering other sources of Shari'a (such as The Holy Quran, Sunnah, Al-Qiyas/Analogy and Al-Ijma).

            Allah knows best.

          • Jazaakillahu Khairal-Jaza Sister Saba,

            "We are aware that your heart is strained by what they say." (Quran 15: 97) So be patient. Your patience is solely from God. And do not grieve over them, and do not be stressed by their schemes. God is with those who are righteous and those who are virtuous." (Quran 16: 127-128)

          • Jazak Allah Khair Br Issah. may Allah give you the best in this life and the next. Ameen

          • Assalam alaikum Br. Issah,

            JazakAllah for the reminder--it is always easy to forget.

          • Good reminder Issah.

          • And a reminder for you too Brother Mahmud,

            “Then after that your hearts hardened. They were as rocks, or even harder. For there are some rocks from which rivers gush out, and others that splinter and water comes out from them, and others that sink in awe of God. God is not unaware of what you do.”
            (Quran 2: 74)

            “Muhammad is the Messenger of God. Those with him are stern against the disbelievers, yet compassionate amongst themselves...”
            (Quran 48: 29)

            “Perhaps your Lord will have mercy on you. But if you revert, We will revert...”
            (Quran 17: 8)

          • JazzakAllahu khair

            Here is another one for Saba:

            وَالَّذِينَ يُؤْذُونَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ وَالْمُؤْمِنَاتِ بِغَيْرِ مَا اكْتَسَبُوا فَقَدِ احْتَمَلُوا بُهْتَانًا وَإِثْمًا مُّبِينًا
            And those who harm believing men and believing women for [something] other than what they have earned have certainly born upon themselves a slander and manifest sin.

          • And here is another one for you too Brother Mahmud,

            "Have you not considered those who claim purity for themselves? Rather, God purifies whom He wills, and they will not be wronged a whit. See how they devise lies against God. That alone is an outright sin." (Quran 4: 49-50).

            You see, this can continue...So stop the fitnah you are about to create here. Why forget that you yourself need many reminders. You really need to learn much about Islamic Adab.

          • We are all in need of reminders yes. But you essentially created fitnah with your first advice, telling Saba to be patient while she wasn't the one being slandered. Thanks for the reminder of Islamic Adab, please follow through yourself.

          • Ok. This one is for all of us.

            "And hold fast to the rope of God, altogether, and do not become divided. And remember God’s blessings upon you; how you were enemies, and He reconciled your hearts, and by His grace you became brethren. And you were on the brink of a pit of fire, and He saved you from it. God thus clarifies His revelations for you, so that you may be guided."
            (Quran 3: 103)

        • A mumin doesnt necessarily mean a 'virgin' a person who has commited zina and made tawbah in which Allah swt forgave them, then they can also be a 'mumin'

      • Zoya, of course inshaa Allah I aspire to get to the very best the highest and most favored in the akhirah and I love that for you and for me and all brothers and sisters whether they committed zina or not. I will make dua for a woman who is excellent in all characteristics and is a virgin(because parents won't like widowed or divorcee women although I am happy with that myself, even if she is older than me.)

        Obviously though, no man wants to have been chaste then marries a woman who did such a thing and be humiliated!!!

        Furthermore, yes it's true that a zina man or woman can repent and then it is like he/she never sinned. However Allah is the one who is extremely appreciative and constantly forbearing and he is the one who appreciates even the smallest good from his slaves(even repenting from disobeying him is rewarded out of his extreme forgiveness and enveloping care and mercy.) He envelops even those of the most horrific pasts in rahma and his fadl and raises whoever he wills to the highest ranks.

        However, I am a human with a human mind and I am not to be condemned for seeking what an-Nabi(S) sought(virgin, divorcee, widowed) NOR is any other brother or sister to be condemed for the same or even criticized slightly for that. None of us will lose out on any good in a spouse in this life or the akhirah for seeking a spouse who never committed zina inshaa Allah. If there is any good in a prospective spouse who committed zina, we will find the equivalent or better in a prospective spouse who was always chaste inshaa Allah. Wallahul Musta'an.

      • Dear sis, i completely agree with you. I would want to say that when guy loses his virginity before marriage a girl must not question and marry without any denial and if she does so the guy may not wishes to marry her... I totally disagree...

    • You should be ashamed of yourself to say a thing like that. Your wife's past is none of your business
      Anyways, we can't prove wether a man is a virgin or not but it's still a sin. Just like most girls don't care about her husband's virginity the husband is obliged to feel the same. Most girls don't bleed on their wedding night and 1/4 girls are born without a hymen. Even if you would be "deceived", you would never know because in islam it takes 4 witnesses in a room to accuse someone of adultry. God is merciful and forgives, you are a disgrace to muslims because you think you are above God's law and are above Him because you do not forgive something that isn't even up to you to forgive.

  2. Sister,

    What is done is done, now look to a better future. Pray that Allah forgives you and learn from your mistake.

    Cut of all communications with this player and find someone who is worthy of your attention.

    Stop this discussion about hymen, because this means nothing. If you have a surgery you are wasting money and it will do nothing for you.

    If your future husband is overly concerned about your virginity and will leave you because you don't bleed the first time. Then kick him out and say good riddance. Who cares what other people think, make your peace with Allah and your own self and move on.

    We all have a past and a history, if someone can't accept that, they are not worth your time. No one is perfect.

    One of Allahs names is the most merciful, and He is merciful if we turn to him.

    • You make it seem like the future husband is wrong to be overly concerned and that he should be "kicked out." Most likely it would be the other way, but in any case, no man is "wrong" to be overly concerned about his wife's virginity before marriage. It is a valid concern and female virginity is prized all around the world. No man or woman should be condemned for demanding that before marriage.

    • If your future husband is overly concerned about your virginity and will leave you because you don't bleed the first time. Then kick him out and say good riddance. Who cares what other people think, make your peace with Allah and your own self and move on.

      That is a highly inappropriate comment.Virginity of the future spouse is important.I know,you were trying to console the questioner but you went to extremes when you started to condemn men who want virgin wives.

      • I am sorry if it came out harsh or improper, but what I really meant was if a person cannot accept you as you are, a woman with a past, and will judge you harshly ...then they have no place in your life, because you don't need that kind of negative energy.

        A man who wants a virgin wife can find a virgin wife, and he does not have to be with you and burden you with guilt.

        Technically your sin is between you and Allah, but if your future spouse keeps pestering you about your past and is overly jealous, then drop them like a hot potatoe.

        • Samira, I agree completely.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • "then they have no place in your life, because you don't need that kind of negative energy"

          They don't have "negative energy" because they don't want to be married to a spouse who was unchaste. That's just natural. They probably may feel that a spouse who was unchaste has no place in their life. Which is perfectly fine.

          "Technically your sin is between you and Allah, but if your future spouse keeps pestering you about your past and is overly jealous, then drop them like a hot potatoe."

          Technically, every virgin man does not have to stay with a woman who was unchaste. Her sin is her sin and he does not have to remain married to her. The same goes for women.

          "then drop them like a hot potatoe"
          Most likely, the other way around.

          However, I agree, she should find a husband who would tolerate that.

          • I think it is totally up to the person to decide what they want from their spouse but it is good to be a little realistic. It may be easier to find out that the woman is virgin but what about the man? What if the man lies about his virginity? The woman who has made the mistake of losing her virginity, should she give up hope of getting married and falling in to sin?

            I have met people who have told me that they would send the woman back home if she wasn't a virgin but the problem is that they are not as innocent themselves and it is very sad this has to happen but no one should be "dropped like a hot potato" because we are human beings and sometimes we make mistakes that can't be corrected physically but it is us who have to live with the consequences and it's better to make life easier than harder.

            And for the virgin men and women who are reading this: PLEASE your virginity is precious! Save it for the one you will marry. Do it for Allah's sake only. He created your body and if He doesn't allow you to do something to it then DON'T DO IT.

            A very close friend of mine has made a mistake of losing her virginity someone who had abandoned her and now she is scared of getting married because of "being shamed" but I know how it feels to not be able to find someone to get married to and I understand her pain and I pray to Allah gives us spouses who accept us despite our past mistakes.

          • No human is above Allah. If Allah chooses to hide someone's sin and thus grant them an opportunity for forgiveness, then no human is above this decision. Afterall, Allah would know if they deserve to be forgiven or not, as He is most Just.

            This comment of "virginity is prized all over the world" is just a broken record. We can make a list of what is prized all over the world, but I am sure that Allah will do justice on the Day of Judgement--that is why there is one--since this world is not the world of justice.

            Why not give advice to solve the problem rather than tell everyone that you would divorce such a woman? What is the solution after the sin has been committed????

            Below a comment was made that 95% of men would divorce such women--so it is just 5% of men taking the virginity of their gfs? Seriously ridiculous. Are the men and women more pious than the Sahabas (and I won't say Prophet Muhammad SAWS as then ppl say well, he was a Prophet!)? Do we really think that we are better the companions of our beloved Prophet? I get that virgin men want virgin women and btw, virgin women want virgin men (and no there standards aren't lower than men!)--but the advice revolving around someone's personal idea of who they would divorce and what is prized around the world isn't going to solve this sister's problem.

          • "This comment of "virginity is prized all over the world" is just a broken record. We can make a list of what is prized all over the world, but I am sure that Allah will do justice on the Day of Judgement--that is why there is one--since this world is not the world of justice."

            It's not a broken record, it is a perfectly valid requirement for marriage as it is recommended in the sunnah for a virgin to marry virgins.

            "Why not give advice to solve the problem rather than tell everyone that you would divorce such a woman? What is the solution after the sin has been committed????"

            Did you read the first post on the page or are you looking for some cheap shot to put someone else down?

            Furthermore, widows and divorcees aren't the ones being talked about here. I have no problem marrying them and numerous other men do not as well, however my mother would so a never married before woman is the only option.

          • Arrggghhhh Mahmud! You are starting to sound very irritating. I agree 100% with Samira. So stop focusing on one sentence then analyzing it from bit to peaces. If a woman's virginity is sooooo important to a man then what about a man's virginity? Stop being double standard which is exactly what when are. Double standard!

          • Where did I have a double standard? I've got nothing against women who only want a virgin husband. Don't make things up. Obviously though, virgin men are not on my mind, virgin women are.

    • Yes Allah is merciful, but that does not mean people are also merciful and forgiving. People are judgmental, whether we like it or not. And when it comes to chastity, men are very particular about it. You cannot brush off chastity aside as if it's unimportant. Perhaps for people who committed zina, it would be better to marry someone similar who has also reformed and repented.

  3. Walekum salam Wr. Wb.

    Sister,

    Llet me first point out how lucky you have been that 1.You did not get pregnant.2. You did not get any STI or STD (hope you have get it tested) 3. Allah kept this major sin of yours secret.4. Allah showed you the true colour of this guy as well his family that now you even want to throw away this bad guy from your life.

    You feel guilty but you must accept the bitter fact that you also contributed in this sin, its not just that guy or Shaitan/ black magic.

    Now when you have realized everything that you must cut off this guy from your life completely and submit yourself to Allah (swt) to seek his forgiveness.

    “ I think the hymen will protect me in the dunya and in akhira,”, I am not a scholar but to my best knowledge (I would request other brother/sister to correct me if I am wrong) but such thing like hymnen restoration surely CANNOT protect/save you in Akhira. You can hide sin from everyone but nothing is hidden from your creator. Can you hide it all from almighty Allah(Swt)?? To my best knowledge of Islam so far, it wont be halal to do such thing. So it doesn’t matter if he pays for it or you. If you do it, you would committing another sin. So think about it.

    True repent, seeking forgiveness and guidance from allah (Swt), improving yourself as Muslim and never to go astry is all you can do. If you are sincere in your efforts, insha-allah you will be out of it and insha-allah will get a suitable husband. You should not disclose your secret (Sin) to anybody at all, if your future husband asks about your past, you should not tell lie but you can say something like that you made some grave mistakes in past and truly repent and have done ‘tauba’…(I had read this on this site)

    You should give up this idea of hymen restoration and should focus on improving yourself as Muslim and repent to Allah (Swt).

    Your Sister.

  4. salam aleykum

    mashallah

    how old was this girl? she sounds very young and naive, but this went on for 3 years? this is not a mistake, this happened from choice. or was the man pressuring you into zina? then it is rape.

    Allah huakbar

    if he had any decency he would have married you before zina - then it would all have been halal and fun and free of guilt

    but

    if you had had any sense at all you would have said no.

    yes shaitan does trick us all but there must have come a time when you accommodated the situation, for what ever reason. But shaitain is going to say on the day that he had no power to force us to do anything - any of us. we have free will and we make choices - often bad ones, and then we have to live with the consequences.

    make repentance - tawbah - spend your time learning the life of our beautiful, perfect, lovely, loving Holy Prophet Muhammad - peace be upon him - fall in love with him and think of him often. Read the Koran verses on repenting, and practice proper repentance - give sadaka and do good acts as well as pray regularly.

    Ask Allah for forgiveness and guidance - when you walk one step to Allah - allah walks ten steps to you.
    if you make 10 steps to Allah - guess what? He runs to you!!!! Allah huakbar - Allah is the hearer of all dua and the coverer of all sin and shame.

    if we say we are Muslims it doesnt make us saints or angels - yes we all have faults and do wrong but any advice on this site should be islamically sound and valid - so suggesting the lady divorces a husband who had insisted she be a virgin is inapropriate. Such a statement has no place on an Islamic forum and is inconsistent Islam.I humbly suggest we all ignore such advice.

    ma salam

  5. Sister

    If I find my wife non-virgin on first night I will divorce her for sure and in our culture 95% People do the same thing because it is very difficult for a husband to forget his wife's past

    I rather suggest you not to worry about your marriage ask Allah (Swt) for his mercy and forgiveness and only worry about your sin

    If Allah wants you will get a groom do not go through hymen restoration because this way you will commit another sin which is that you will deceive your husband

    Just believe in Allah and keep asking for his forgiveness if he forgives you
    you will find a way

    try to establish yourself and stand on your own feet do not depend on anyone for your future
    if someone doesn't marry you its ok be strong

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Correct!!!

    • If I find my wife non-virgin on first night I will divorce her for sure and in our culture 95% People do the same thing because it is very difficult for a husband to forget his wife's past

      I don't understand this, do you mean those 95% of the men are virgins themselves?

      • ''Not having a knowledge of something is a gift'

        but after knowing the truth/reality and then compromising is world most difficult thing

        If some girl knows that his husband is or was engaged in some illegal relation she can get divorce and leave him '

        its not only limited to men to divorce their characterless spouse
        women can do the same provided that they know the truth...

        • I agree with you Zhul Qarnain!!!

        • "Characterless spouse"?

          What if their spouse had seriously repented and moved on from the sin of zina and wants to fix his or her life by getting married?

          Anyway this really isn't getting anywhere so I just want to ask Allah to guide us all and give us the spouses that we desire, virgin or not, someone who is pious, loving, caring and a joy to have in our lives.

          Also let's give dua to Allah for righteous children who will be servants of the Almighty and their children and the future generation as well.

          In the end, virgin or not, we are heading towards the same destination and in the eternal life I don't think this argument would matter anymore so instead of being separated in our views let's unite in our duas.

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    Surgery could repair a hymen, but would not change the fact that you had sexual intercourse; however, it is worth noting that many virgins do not have intact hymens - the hymen can be broken through physical activity (eg. athletics, gymnastics, horse riding), through use of tampons, through medical procedures...

    Personally, I feel it is rather exploitative for surgeons to offer such treatments - they are charging people for an unnecessary surgery, with all the associated risks, targeting vulnerable and distressed individuals. I would therefore advise against having unnecessary surgery.

    This boyfriend does not sound particularly emotionally or spiritually ready for marriage, and from what you have written I would have significant concerns about both his deen and his character.

    With regards the importance of virginity, what's done is done, but it is never too late in this life for us to offer tawbah and beg Allah for His mercy and aid. Try to get something positive out of this experience, by letting Allah's mercy draw you closer to Islam.

    If a man feels that virginity is an essential criteria in his future wife, he would be within his rights to ask you (respectfully, of course) about this, and I would encourage honesty - if a couple can't be honest with each other about things which are important to them, it is very damaging and can lead to a lot of unhappiness. While a lot of men (as above) feel that virginity is very important to them, this is not a universal feeling, and there are a lot of men who would be happy to share their lives with a pious and caring Muslimah without minding whether or not she is a virgin, so long as she is on the deen now.

    You mention feeling violated and used by your boyfriend; only you and he know the circumstances which led to you having intercourse with him, but if you felt forced or coerced, that does cast a different light on it than if you had consented freely. If you are feeling troubled by these feelings, it might be worth speaking to a counselling service, either online or in person, or to your doctor - they might be able to help you work through these emotions and regain your confidence and self-respect.

    Slightly off-topic, but I've read a lot of posts recently from men who say that they would divorce a woman if they learned she was not a virgin, or if they found out on the first night, and I'd like to ask these men to consider a few things:
    Firstly, a woman may lose her virginity in a number of ways which would not be considered haram - rape, previous marriage, reverting to Islam after already having had intercourse... It might be worth thinking about what you would do if a potential wife disclosed this to you?
    Secondly, not all virgins have intact hymens, and even if they do, they may not bleed on the first time they have intercourse - if a woman doesn't bleed, that doesn't mean she's not a virgin, so the idea of finding out on the first time has a few flaws - how would you cope in such circumstances? Would you confront and divorce your new wife based on a suspicion? Or would you trust her to be honest with you and trust in Allah's plans?

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • This is what I think, I understand you regret what ever you did was wrong, insallah Allah forgive you for this sin!!! But it seems like you went on with having sex with this guy for 3 years and you didn't seem to care ontill he told you he won't marry you!! It takes tow people to have sex so don't just blame this idiot who did this to you. I mean what did you think honey guys these days do anything or say anything to get in your pants but you have to be the smart one to say no!!! Marsallah I'm a youn pretty girl of course guys will stare and wanna date me but how dare me even look at them because I respect my parents and myself!!! And my culture you can not lose your Virginity nobody will be ever marry you!! So I think is your fault too not just his honey sorry!!!!

      • May Allah protect you my dear sister, may He protect you from these situations. You say you are young, beautiful and men stare at you, please be modest because you never know when the things you say may turn against you. Please dear sister, protect yourself and never think that just because someone else went through this that this can never happen to you.

        May Allah protect, guide you always and may He allow you to say positive things that help change the lives of people.

        • Selam Pepper,

          what Muslimgirl is saying, that she made the mistake and now she needs to take responsibility for her. Yes it's possible that we all can do this mistake, but this doesn't mean, that we should lie or hide so great facts.

          I am virgin male and never commited zina, but if I would have, then I would tell my future wife, that I did, because it's not fair to her, because she stayed virgin for all these years. Sorry bro, but lying someone is very bad. And it's not only a thing like " I did this sin and now I repend". You need to be honest and in the end, you will see in the hereafter all people who wronged you. This means, perhaps you lie in this world, but it will all revealed in the hereafter.

          What a great world we stuck in here...everybody tells to lie. Why don't I kill 200 people, steal money, talk about the back of other people and then make the BIG Repentance. You need give that people their right and additionally you need to ask for forgiveness. Or you will meet them in hereafter. God is the The Utterly Just. He will all people their rights. Therefore stay real...and ask for forgiveness...

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      "Firstly, a woman may lose her virginity in a number of ways which would not be considered haram - rape, previous marriage, reverting to Islam after already having had intercourse... Zina is haram even before entering Islam. Naturally the man is going to inquire as to whether the woman was previously married, so there you have it.

      "It might be worth thinking" about what you would do if a potential wife disclosed this to you?"
      Naturally I'm going to divorce her if I found out that she committed zina. I am a man, I have some self respect, I'm not going to take getting disgraced like that. I'd make dua for someone better.

      "Secondly, not all virgins have intact hymens, and even if they do, they may not bleed on the first time they have intercourse - if a woman doesn't bleed, that doesn't mean she's not a virgin, so the idea of finding out on the first time has a few flaws - how would you cope in such circumstances? Would you confront and divorce your new wife based on a suspicion? Or would you trust her to be honest with you and trust in Allah's plans?"

      You make dua for a virgin and take refuge in Allah from a woman who did zina.

      This is a very serious matter.

    • Salaams Sister midnightmoon,

      U mentioned in your post that hymen surgery is not necessary, however, I would like to know is it haram???

  7. Just to let you guys know,I was recently in another country and became sick needed to go to the dr.,the waiting room was filled with muslimahs,standing room only,I asked the dr.why,and he told me that they are all here for hymen replacement surgery,he said his clinic does a hundred a day! I was shocked.

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Which country is that? Ina lilahi wa ina ilayhi rajioon. I need to avoid that.

      This is really scary news.

      • As-salamu Alaykum,
        It could be that these women are actually virgins but they are afraid of not bleeding on the wedding night, especially if they live in a culture that demands it. Therefore they may be doing these surgeries to ensure their hymens are intact "just in case".

      • Well it was Thailand ,and they were flying in from Muslim countries to get it done very cheap

        • Could you tell what Muslim countries they were from? May Allah protect us brothers who kept their chastity and who want virgins from them and give us virgins/women who were always chaste who are better in character and deen than them.

      • Bismillah,

        Mahmud!!! Dear Brother. Just from reading your posts and how obsessed you are about Virginity?...I am sorry if I sound rude but you come across as a shallow man only over obsessing about a woman's virginity.

        The whole point of this post is to help the sister in question with good and constructive advice. Yet from reading your post i find it ridiculous and irritating. The topic is not about what "YOU" find acceptable. Go read the questions/concerns posted by this sister and try to help and STOP focusing on what you think is important about Virginity.

        Sister In Islam
        Zahriya

        • Dear sister, read the first post.

          And I didn't want this thread to explode the way it did. Most of the stuff here is irrelevant and should be deleted and I am significantly responsible for that.

    • Ina lilahi wa ina ilayhi rajioon. What grief this has just caused me. It's like a dagger to the heart.

      All the women who do this should know that-

      أَنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يَهْدِي كَيْدَ الْخَائِنِينَ

      that Allah does not guide the plan of betrayers

      May Allah protect all the men and women who have preserved their chastity from getting married to someone who hasn't. May Allah protect me and my brothers from getting fooled by one of these women. What a sickening form of treachery. How horrified I am now. Ya Rabb.....

      • If Allah gives you a woman who is not a virgin but got hymen surgery and you have grown to love her and she had your children but later on you found out that she had this surgery would you divorce her solely for this?

        I understand that the virginity means a lot to you but you have to be a bit more realistic in what is going on in this world. The chances of us getting a virgin spouse may not be as high as we thought it would be but once the woman/man sincerely repents for their sins then it is as if they never commited that sin and it will be as if they are a virgin still, but the fact that the hymen isn't intact even though Allah has forgiven that sin, does that mean so much to you? I am not saying that's right or wrong but I don't understand, if it is okay for Allah and He has accepted the tauba then why should the woman be looked at negatively?

        It is like someone not wanting to marry a revert Muslim woman who has committed zina in the past but she has accepted Islam and everything in the past that she has done that is a sin has been erased but why still look at her as impure just for the face that her hymen is not intact? This doesn't make sense to me.

        • I agree. This is so true sister.

          But also men and women who are chaste virgins do have the right to desire someone like them. But they should not be so desperately clinged onto this as life changes, people change and emotions change. I never looked at a men before marriage i desired a chaste husband but what did I get? A womaniser! I had to take hus word for it that he never had a girlfriend.

          But how do I know on the wedding night because men don't bleed! Men are taking unfair advantage of this bleeding phenomonem. And its so true that many virgin girls don't bleed so the test is flawed! It is so unfair for a girl to go through this even when she is a virgin. So men should not be so hung up on this, you will only get what Allah has planned for you.

          As the hadith goes 'you may dislike something which is good for you'

          This may be the reason why many girls rush to do surgery not because they are scared of Allah but because they are scared of husband and society! People need to get their prioroties right in life.

          After the marriage I had I don't mind marrying the worst sinner alive as long as he has repented sincerely and is a good and sincere person NOW.

          So to the op don't do the surgery. Allah has plans for you. You may marry someone who has been through the same as you or someone who accepts you made a mistake and loves you for who you are and not about buying a brand new product.

          • Sister Sumaira, perhaps you wanted to say as the Quranic verse goes "But it may be that you dislike something while it is good for you, and it may be that you like something while it is bad for you. God knows, and you do not know." (Quran 2: 216)

        • That's right!! U marry a human not a hymen!!!

        • Of course I would probably divorce her! And make dua for someone who is better and never committed zina! What man wants to be disgraced by a woman like this?

          • ZIna is a pretty big "mistake", and don't assume I'm not tempted every day, every hour, every minute of my life. Once I turned 18, the desire skyrocketed like crazy.

            I will get an excellent Muslimah who has all the deen and akhlaq and is attractive and is also a virgin inshaa Allah. I have to make dua and hope for the best.

            You saying "human beings make mistakes like this" reminds me of another comment which also lightens the gravity of this sin. "adults cheat because it happens"(or some nonsense like that.)

            I don't think it's fair to say I might have to pick a woman who committed zina. There can't be that many women who committed this disgusting fahsha. Right? They are definitely some minority.

          • Br. Mahmud, I did not mean to imply that YOU are like one of those people I mentioned (I wouldn't be comparing you with a younger me if I did), and my point was not to emphasize the lack of chaste, marriageable Muslim men (or women) in society, but that my once rigid stance on this (which was exactly similar to yours) has changed and I would be just as happy with a genuinely repentant guy, who would treat me respectfully and well and be faithful, rather than a 'chaste' guy with a filthy , derogatory mindset and attitude towards women.

            I think most people , including myself reacted not because you want a virgin wife, which is natural for a chaste young man to prefer one, but at the fact that you said you would divorce your wife if, many years into the marriage, you found out she had a past, EVEN if you loved each other like crazy and had a good marriage and if you had kids.Would your male ego and honor take precedence over and be hurt enough to discard a loved one like that for something that happened before she knew you?Doesnt love mean forgiveness and understanding as well?Yes ZR can and should blame you and other like minded brothers for wanting to divorce a good , genuinely repentant woman over something like that.If you do, well it's your call and your life, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do.

            At any rate, its really good to hear that your heart is now softening towards this issue.I really hope that Allah may grant you a most wonderful spouse who will be best for you in this world and in the akhira, Ameen!

          • Who is also a virgin.......ameen to your dua.
            And may Allah grant you the best husband.

            JazzakAllahu khair for your dua.

          • "I think most people , including myself reacted not because you want a virgin wife, which is natural for a chaste young man to prefer one, but at the fact that you said you would divorce your wife if, many years into the marriage, you found out she had a past, EVEN if you loved each other like crazy and had a good marriage and if you had kids.Would your male ego and honor take precedence over and be hurt enough to discard a loved one like that for something that happened before she knew you?Doesnt love mean forgiveness and understanding as well?Yes ZR can and should blame you and other like minded brothers for wanting to divorce a good , genuinely repentant woman over something like that.If you do, well it's your call and your life, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do."

            It's a natural feeling for which no one can be blamed. Honor is a serious thing.

          • Mahmud : OK, I respect that you have a full right to your opinion.And I respect the fact that you have kept yourself chaste, Masha'Allah.So I have a request to make of you, and all other brothers who think like you, so that you can put your mindset to good use.If you have a male friend or colleague, who you know is having a haram relationship, tell them to STOP.Discuss with them the importance of fulfilling their desires only within halal limits (marriage).Tell them if they really loved a girl, they would approach her with respect and involve families and initiate proceedings for marriage asap, instead of sweet talking her into haram stuff and then dumping her.This is what I try and do to my female acquaintances who I feel are in danger, so they may save themselves from future heartbreak and wretchedness.But you are a male and males do tend to have the upper hand in society, so your discussions would definitely be more potent and effective in stopping fitnah in society than mine!If more brothers like you would influence other brothers to remain chaste and respectful to women, the rate of chastity on both sides would definitely increase in no time.I think this request of mine would be acceptable to everyone here.Agreed?

          • Yes, you do your part, I'll do mine inshaa Allah. I think I always do that......this brother was talking to a married women and recently I advised him to stop. If I am ever put in this situation, I am the first to advise halal inshaa Allah. Of course I absolutely hate it when brothers commit this indecency. They are ruining lives. I am not liking it if they "score" with a bunch of females, Muslim or non Muslim!!!

        • Why on earth can't Muslim men and Muslim women keep chaste so I don't live in a bloody world where it's hard to find a virgin Muslimah? Is it really that impossible to find an excellent Muslimah who is virgin? Or is the probability of some girl committing zina then marrying me too high? 30 years ago, virginity would have been guarenteed to me. I kept chaste, why can't I have a woman who is chaste? What's wrong with that? Why can't Muslim women just stay chaste instead of committing zina?

          Ina lilahi wa ina ilayhi rajioon. Allah does not guide the plan of the betrayers.

          If I ever found out, she can say goodbye, I'll make dua for someone better. What man is going to take this kind of disgrace and betrayal?

          It can't possibly be that all these women are committing zina right left and center. I mean, is it that impossible for them to wait until they have married?

          Most, like 90%+ Muslimahs must be virgins before marriage right?

          • Because people are human beings and human beings make mistakes like this. Maybe you are chaste but you may have problems with resisting the temptation of eating junk food or have trouble with other things. Maybe being chaste and keeping away from women is not your test but maybe you have other things that Allah is testing you on that only He knows that may be equally as sinful as zina, only Allah knows and I am not saying you do.

          • Salaam Mahmud. I've been reading your responses on this thread and on others and have been debating whether to respond or not, but I thought I should.Please don't take offense to anything I say, my purpose is to discuss, not argue and I fully respect the right of every individual to his/her own opinion.Bro, you mentioned somewhere that you're 19, right?Well bro,when I was 19, I thought EXACTLY like you. EXACTLY.I kept my self away from the whole 'love' business, kept my interaction with guys to the minimum, even though I have studied in co-ed all my life and this sort of business was going all around me, left,right and centre.When I was around 21-22 the topic of my marriage was brought up and I remember my parents asking me what sort of husband I wanted.My reply was 'He should be presentable,well educated,well read,not more than 4 years age gap, with a liberal family background that will allow me to work even after marriage, with nice folKS.BUT all of these things are negotiable, the two things I will not compromise on is: he should be chaste (as in he should not have a past) and he should not have even touched a cigarrete in his life.When I was saying this I remember my mom was vigorously nodding my head in agreement, while my dad and my bro were like 'errrr..sorry to break it to you, hon ,but that kinda guy..doesn't exist.It's hard to find a guy without some sort of a past, you know and it's not even a big deal, if he proves to be a good husband later on'.LOL,I remember I rushed out in anger and I was sobbing on my bed with my mom patting my shoulder and saying something on the grounds of 'there, there dearie, we'll find you some one like that, don't u worry.'At that time I had just entered my professional studies and due to a very sheltered upbringing ,was painfully naïve about the world and had a very rigid approach to life and believed with all my heart that Allah would grant me 'A pious attractive untouched Muslim' ,just like you want.
            Well, 4 years down the road, thankfully, I am still chaste, and Allah saved me from that sort of monkey business, but at the same time I got to closely observe the people who did get involved in such stuff, and one thing that shocked me to the core was that it was always the girl who got the blame for 'loose character' while the guy was actually praised and thought of as cool for having 'snared' the girl!There was this one couple and the guy actually went so far as making videos of their 'activities' and showed it to all his friends!!!I know what they both were doing was very,very wrong, but I felt it was so unfair that everywhere the girl went, there were whispers behind her back while the guy was praised to high heaven and by whom?All the guys who were single and 'chaste', not by choice, but because no girl would give them the time of day!That guy should have been equally condemned and ostracized, because what he did, was far,far more worse.And I have seen so many other examples and my personal judgement is 'girls get physically involved, because they get serious + emotionally involved.The guy sweet talks them with promises of love and marriage, while all HE wants is fun and the thrill of the hunt.And after the lion snares his prey,the hunt is over.Reality kicks in.Suddenly he cant marry her coz the ('prior to hunt' insignificant) mommy and daddy don't agree.He drops the girl like a

          • * (sorry submitted incomplete response) hot potato.We all agree that Allah judges on intentions,right?While I agree that both have sinned gravely and must repent to Allah, whose intentions were false here?So why do females get ALL the blame?and the guy doesn't even care, he just moves on to the next victim!And who drools the most in envy of the guy?The chaste, single guys who pat the guy on the back , saying ' Good going bro, give us some tips too!'Also, I have seen so many females who have sincerely repented and became better muslimahs due to prior experiences, but have not seen or heard about even one male doing the same.Just take a look at this site, I've read so many experiences similar to the OP and all of them are females who have sincerely repented.But I've yet to read about one such male turn of heart. (Please I am not saying , nor do I believe that all males are like this, but the general mindset of the males I've seen were all almost unanimously the same).Even the single,chaste ones were the same.They would all talk strongly about the importance of Salat and being close to Allah, and in the next not so inaudible breath, talk filth about girls, ALL girls, INFRONT of girls, because they thought we were too stupid and simple to understand.URghhhh!What girl would want to marry such a guy, even if he is presentable and well educated?
            So now, I've come to change my once rigid stance on this topic.I've come to realize that no one is perfect and my previous wish list too utopian.Yes it would be great, if my husband to be had a squeaky clean past, but even if he didn't I don't think I'd mind as much as I would have before, AS LONG as he has repented genuinely of his past sins and is a good, faithful,loving husband now.What I DON'T want, and pray I never get, (I'm as phobic about it as you are about a non virgin wife) is some one who has a mindset like the one I described above, and unfortunately that leaves me and other sisters with even fewer options, than you and other brothers do :).
            Also bro, while I see your point, I do not think it very tactful of you to start harping on about your Quest for A Virgin Wife, and how women who aren't, don't deserve a chaste brother for marriage (even if you do feel that way about it) on a post where the OP is already deeply traumatized by a bad experience, (for which she asked not to be judged for) from which she needs rehabilitation, not exacerbation of pain.We need to stress upon her the All Forgiving Nature of Allah, and that she will eventually find peace through continuous repentance, and remembrance of Allah all her life.This is what she needs to hear.Because life is short, and we will all be with our Maker, sooner then we think, FOR ALL ETERNITY.We need to make that eternity good.And I did not see you criticize the guy in the OP's post, one single time.I'd really like to hear your comments about him and about guys who do such stuff, WITHOUT REPENTANCE, as well.
            Would you make such a guy ( a non repentant non virgin) your friend?Do you continuously stress about the importance of remaining chaste AND respectful towards women, to your male friends?So that I and other younger sisters may have 'broader options' as well? 🙂
            I apologize if I offended you in any way.It's just that in some weird way, you remind me very much of a younger me, and that younger me had a turn of mind when she started to observe, and think (without any personal such experience whatsoever).That being said, may Allah bless us all of us with excellent spouses, who would be the coolness of our eyes and a comfort to our hearts, Ameen!

          • @Mystic

            Salaam sister
            Your response really lightened my heart. I have been following this post for sometime and to tell you the truth I was really very very depressed reading the responses of some of the brothers here. It depresses me to think that sadly this is the norm. People here talking about divorce like it is so easy. From the culture I come from divorce is not even the last resort and I am a revert!! I see Islam as the most forgiving and Allah has said in the Quran that forgive and overlook much so even He can forgive us but reading things over here, forgiveness seems like a rare commodity and I feel depressed that if someone can repent and be forgiven by Allah, they won't be necessarily forgiven by their own people and husband who can divorce them for this.. Being someone abandoned by a muslim who wanted to safeguard his ego at the price of my whole existence, this injustice keeps eating me up. I hope men will learn to see that even woman are human beings and not all are out to lose their virginity and chastity but these kind of things happen to the best of both the men AND the women

          • It can't be that that many men are non-virgin........and I am not one of those people who check out girls and congratulate men for committing zina! SubhanAllah!!!! Naturally though, my mind is on females and not males because I am not looking for a male, virgin husband!!!

            Likewise, there can't be that many Muslimah women who committed zina. I will find a virgin Muslimah who never did any zina and has all the good characteristics inshaa Allah.

            Furthermore, the OP seems to have a problem accepting full blame. So trauma is really the least of concerns. When one sins, one accepts blame first, then gets consolation later.

            But other than that, sorry for exploding the thread,

            But yeah, if, I found out, no one can stop me from divorce!!!

            But I would never expose her sin to others.

            ZR you can't possibly blame a man for divorcing his wife if he found out she had a past!!! Just because you wouldn't doesn't mean many other men like myself wouldn't!!!

            In any case, my heart is softening and the same indignation is no longer there. Perhaps this is Allah's way of calming my heart. I hope it doesn't mean I'm destined to marry a woman with a past though. But even then, what matters is the fate in the akhirah right? And if she loves me a lot............maybe...........but inshaa Allah I'll never be put in that situation.

            I think you are right, Wael should delete most of the irrelevant stuff here.

      • only Allah knows if a woman these days is truly a virgin,and I was truly a virgin and did not bleed myself on my wedding nite,my husband did not question me what so ever at all,I can't even imagine if I had married a man that divorced me and accused me of lying ,I would have been completely devastated!!!

  8. Also sister Ranad,

    I just want to say honesty is the best policy. Do not lie or decieve anyone. Do not disclose your sins. This said men wanting virgin women need to be crystal clear and let the women know that thats what they are looking for.

    Both the man and women need to be honest with each other before deciding wether to marry or not. If the man tells you he is looking for a virgin then you need to dicreetly walk away from this proposal with an excuse such as you are not attracted to him etc etc. that way your parents or the potential suitor need not know your past sins!

    If everyone is honest with each other before saying 'I do' then a situation will never arise where 'someone is dropped like a hot pototoe'!

    Seek someone who will accept you as your. People will always judge a book by its cover but Allah knows what is in your heart and Allah accepts your sincerety and forgives although people may not. Your soul is precoius to Allah whilst people only value the shell (body) so remember that. Don't worry about parents and people. Pray to Allah to find a good spouse.

  9. I honestly agree with this statement, because it's indeed the truth.

    While a lot of men (as above) feel that virginity is very important to them, this is not a universal feeling, and there are a lot of men who would be happy to share their lives with a pious and caring Muslimah without minding whether or not she is a virgin, so long as she is on the deen now.

    As they would say it's recommended by sunnah to marry a virgin, the question I always ask is, how many virgins did the Prophet (s.a.w.s) himself married? So who is actually following the majority of the sunnah by showing mercy to the mankind as the prophet (s.a.w.s) did his entire life??? "We did not send you except as mercy to mankind." (Quran 21: 107).

    So Sister Ranad, I will advise you to focus on your sincere tawbah to Allah. Forget about the hyman and the guy all together at once. Don't be regretful because of your future husband, but be regretful because you have sinned Allah, and then be very sincere in your repentance. Insha'Allah Allah will forgive you and He will guide to you a pious Muslim brother, whose heart is full of mercy and love of Allah to marry you. And you will be honest with him and walk free in his heart without any divorce or threat. Sister again I say just focus on Allah and rely on Him alone, He will suffice you.

    There is no human being on earth who can boast enough to say that,he/she had NEVER made any mistake or committed any sin in their life before, be it a minor or major mistake/sin. And if they is such a complete pious perfect person around, I challenge him/her to respond. But yet Allah has forgiven us out of His mercy. So why are we deceiving ourselves as if we are perfect. There is no complete pious human being on earth like the Prophet (s.a.w.s), but yet he himself was criticized by Allah in some minor issues. Do we think Allah does not see the little mistakes we did/do??? "If Allah were to hold mankind for their injustices, He would not leave upon it a single creature, but He postpones them until an appointed time. Then, when their time arrives, they will not delay it by one hour, nor will they advance it." (Quran 16: 61). This Ayah in itself has proven that we are all sinners, but yet Allah didn't destroy us, instead he has given us enough time to be able to repent and turn to Him. Allah says: "Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves: do not despair of God’s mercy, for God forgives all sins. He is indeed the Forgiver, the Clement.” And turn to your Lord, and submit to Him, before the retribution comes upon you. Then you will not be helped." (Quran 39:53-54) Just look at the way Allah the most Merciful is drawing our attention to repent and turn to Him!!! "…He is the Source of Righteousness, and the Source of Forgiveness." (Quran 74:56)

    I will rather divorce my wife because she has sinned Allah, and not because of my own personal selfish Dunya desires. But again I won't even dare try to divorce her even if she has sinned Allah, after she has made it clear to me that she has repented to Allah, and is now worshiping Him and seeking His attention. How can I even look at a face that makes sajdah to Allah and drive her away???What would I say to Allah??? And how would I even know if her piety is better than mine in the sight of Allah??? "And do not drive away those who call upon their Lord, morning and evening, seeking His attention. You are not accountable for them in any way, nor are they accountable for you in any way. If you drive them away, you would be one of the unjust." (Quran 6:52) "...The best among you in the sight of God is the most righteous. God is All-Knowing, Well-Experienced. (Quran 49:13).

    • "And if "there" is such a complete pious perfect person around, I challenge him/her to respond"

      • I respond lol sorry couldn't help it

        • -lol- I like your boldness for accepting my challenge, Masha' Allah, keep it up! I will not set a blaze of chastisement under you for your boasting, for I could miss salah on its time, or misquote a hadith. I certainly cannot boast that I am perfect! You win.

          • I wasn't boasting, it's called a joke. Look it up in a dictionary.

          • Apologies, ignore that comment as it comes across as rude. I tried to delete it off. What I meant was, I wasn't boasting, I was only joking. Of course I am not perfect.

        • Lol- Akhi, believe me I was very very happy responding to you with full smile on my face. I didn't mean you were boasting in the way you understood me. I am very sorry if my response sounded as rude-forgive me. Also, I was smiling because I sensed that my brother somewhere is just joking with me. May Allah allow us to meet in Jannah and play together ok!!!!

          • Oh lol it's because it sounded like you was serious aha and hopefully but the way I'm going I doubt I will get into Jannat unfortunately

          • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

            Asim, Allah forbade you from despairing of his mercy. That is among the greatest of great sins......please ask forgiveness for that and return to him.

        • AsSalaamu Alaikum Beloved Brother Asim,

          Your response really touched me very much, and it made me cry. Akhi, I understand that our deeds can never be enough to buy us Jannah, nor be able to save us from the Naar. However Akhi, we shouldn't overlook our little efforts and then loss hope in the Jannah, instead we should continue to do good deeds wholeheartedly, and abstain from bad deeds for the sake of love of Allah. If we do so we will eventually find Allah's attention towards us, and He will love us for the little struggles, we made for His sake, and He will save us from Naar, and grant us Jannah by His mercy.

          Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle (s.a.w.s) said, "The deeds of anyone of you will not (be enough to) save you (from the Hell Fire)." The Sahabah (r.a) said, "Even you (will not be saved by your deeds), O Allah's Apostle?" He said, "No, even I (will not be saved) unless and until Allah bestows His Mercy on me. Therefore, do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately, and worship Allah in the forenoon and in the afternoon and during a part of the night, and always adopt a middle, moderate, regular course whereby you will reach your target (Jannah)." (Sahih Bukhari)

          My special greetings to you my beloved Brother Mahmud, "AsSalaamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarkaatuh!"

          May Allah grant us all Jannah!!!

    • ??? Even I don't mind marrying a previously married(widowed, divorced, abandoned) or raped woman. But marrying a woman who did that and thus is not a virgin is such a disgrace. Ina lilahi wa ina ilayhi rajioon. May Allah protect me from such evil.

    • I am not an advocate of Zina- A'udhu Billah. And when you see me on the other side while condemning the doers of Zina, you may think that I have no slightest mercy in my heart for them. I am very strict. But the thing is I distinguish between before and after (for those who are regretful). And this is the Sunnah (practice) of Allah. "…You will not find any change in God’s practice, and you will not find any substitute to God’s practice." (Quran 35: 43)

      I have asked for the complete pious perfect person to respond and boast that he/she has never done any mistake before, be it a minor or major mistake. But no one responded to me. And no one will ever be able to respond. You may escape from major sins but you cannot escape from minor sins or mistakes. A mistake in the sight of Allah is also a sin, and the Ummah before us were punished due to the little mistakes they did. But Allah forgave this Ummah out of His mercy, and yet we are not thankful.

      If it's a disgraceful thing to live with someone who has committed a sin and have repented, then Allah wouldn't have had a slightest mercy for you. Also,what is more disgraceful than to have in your life, a Khalifa (leader) who buried his own daughter alive before he converted to Islam??? But yet you agree he is better than you, and you trust and follow him with all your heart and Deen.

      If marrying reverts or someone who has sinned Allah before is a disgraceful thing, Allah wouldn't have encouraged the Prophet (s.a.w.s) and his Sahabah (r.a) to marry them. Or are you waiting for the Scholars of Islam to point out so and so among the wives of the Prophet (s.a.w.s) and that of his Sahabahs (r.a), before you could understand???

      10. O you who believe! When believing women come to you emigrating (to medinah), test them. God is Aware of their faith. And if you find them to be faithful, do not send them back to the unbelievers. They are not lawful for them, nor are they lawful for them. But give them (the unbelievers) what they have spent. You are not at fault if you marry them, provided you give them their compensation. And do not hold on to ties with unbelieving women (among your wives who left you and Islam to marry the unbelievers), but demand what you have spent (from the unbelievers), and let them demand what they have spent. This is the rule of God; He rules among you. God is Knowing and Wise.

      11. If any of your wives desert you to the unbelievers, and you decide to penalize them, give those (amoung you) whose wives have gone away the equivalent of what they had spent. And fear God, in whom you are believers.

      12. O prophet! If believing women come to you, pledging allegiance to you, on condition that they will not associate anything with God, nor steal, nor commit adultery, nor kill their children, nor commit perjury as to parenthood, nor disobey you in anything righteous, accept their allegiance and ask God’s forgiveness for them. God is Forgiving and Merciful. (Quran 60: 10 – 12)

      I really don't have much time to argue now. It's time I reserve my energy for what I do or for those in need of true help, and not for those in need of argument without knowledge of what they are talking about. "And among the people is he who argues about God (or about the truth) without knowledge, or guidance, or an enlightening scripture." (Quran 22: 8)

      • "life, a Khalifa (leader) who buried his own daughter alive before he converted to Islam"
        Weak or fabricated hadith, but its passed around a lot.

        And it's natural for a man to hate that his wife committed zina in the past while he had to struggle to remain chaste. It is dishonorable, and it's like a shade of a dishonor the man gets if his wife commits zina.

        • I am not perfect and I admit my mistake here. I will be more careful next time Insha'Allah. May Allah forgive me! If not for the mercy of Allah, I would have been destroyed for committing this mistake. Ya Rahman forgive me and have mercy on me!

          The truth about this hadith is that, the Khalifa (r.a) did not burry his daughter. He was actually talking about another Sahaabi who buried his own 8 daughters alive before Islam. This Hadith is authentic and reported by Al-Tabrani and Al-Baihaqi.
          The Sahaabi buried his own 8 daughters, and my original point remains the same. Just as we cannot say a Sahaabi who committed sins while he was a mushrik is not a Mu'min, we should not divide Muslims in to two groups, saying this is Mu'min and that is a Zani (who has repented), and they cannot live together in peace and harmony. If both are on the Deen, then they are both Mu'min. The Sahabah were not born Mu'minoon, but they became Mu'mineen. Everyone can become a Mu'min. Iman is increased by good deeds, and Iman is reduced by evil deeds, and a complete Mu'min is one whose Iman has increased enough to reach Ihasn.

          We should always focus on the iman of the person, if she/he is on the Deen. People can demand their choices as long as it's halal or recommended in the sunnah, but we should not try to make a choice a rule-we can keep our choices in our hearts for ourselves, and make them known at the right times and places.

          Allah ordered the believers to accept anyone among the enemies who said just the Shahadah without going into details. "O you who believe! When you journey in the way of God, investigate (Iman), and do not say to him who offers you peace, “You are not a Mu'min,” aspiring for the goods of this world. With God are abundant riches. You yourselves were like this before, and God bestowed favor on you; so investigate (about their Iman). God is well aware of what you do." (Quran 4: 94)

          • Everyone can become a Mu'min. Iman is increased by good deeds, and Iman is reduced by evil deeds, and a complete Mu'min is one whose Iman has increased enough to reach "Ihsan".

      • "If marrying reverts or someone who has sinned Allah before is a disgraceful thing, Allah wouldn't have encouraged the Prophet (s.a.w.s) and his Sahabah (r.a) to marry them"

        Are you actually suggesting that any of the Ummahatul Mumineen committed zina in the past? SubhanAllah. An-Nabi(S) married widows, divorced and virgin women.

        I and other brothers have the same requirements. We can't be criticized for this at all at it can't be suggested we didn't achieve the level of "ihsan" or some other nonsense because we want a woman who never did zina.

        • Astaghfirullah, I didn't suggest anything like that (may Allah forgive me if I unintentionally did), instead I was trying to make a point. Subhanallah, nothing bad was intended.

          I was only asking about who those women that immigrated to medinah were? Were they all chaste and pious? Or were some of them wives of the unbelievers, and some of them Mushrikaat? What were the sins of the Mushrikaats before Islam? Why did Allah say, the believers should accept them in marriage if they wish to do so? And why did Allah ask the prophet to accept their pledge as long as they will not associate anything with Allah, nor steal, nor commit Zina, nor kill their children, etc...Also why did Allah ask the Prophet (s.a.w.s) to ask Allah's forgiveness for them? And finally who married those women?

          • It is important to differentiate between a matter of choice, and a rule of Islam. You have the right to demand what you want, and my point is not to criticize you or anyone for doing so, but there is a place for every speech, and a speech for every place. The sister on this forum has heard enough about the men who will not marry unchaste women. Her fear is sufficient. The best thing to do to assist her, is not to repeat what she already knows, but to advise her on what is most important which is Tawbah, and assure her of the mercy of Allah and His forgiveness.

          • I'm not talking about the Sahaba. An-Nabi(S) married (virgin, widowed, divorcee) and since my parents cancelled out the last two options(although I am happy with widowed and divorcee), I have the right to demand virgin as do other Muslim brothers(the masses) and no one can criticize us for this.

    • "And you will be honest with him and walk free in his heart without any divorce or threat"

      That is the other extreme. Islamically we cannot expose our sins. However, the prospective brother can make it clear in the marriage interview(pre-nikah) that he wants a virgin and so this sister Ranad can call the engagement off.

      • Men are different. There may be a man who wants to marry this particular sister, but he would want to be told the truth concerning her virginity, and then when he is told (whether she is a virgin or not- no details), he may still proceed and marry her without feeling the slightest disgrace in his heart. On the other hand, a man may find out about the loss of her virginity after marriage (or after many years, children, and the development of a real emotional connection). She could be honest with him, as she would be the only one to expose or confirm the truth. There is nothing wrong with her saying the truth if she really trusts her husband. Although it's not advisable to do so except when it's necessary, it is not considered a sin for the truth to be exposed.

  10. Assalamualaikum

    dear sister , sin is a sin and the consequences will definitely be bad going against law will always put you and all in trouble , and don't blame only him for this as you are equally sinner and it has hapnd with both of ur wish and it is better to accept and move on in life and make your future better i can understand the society u belong to but remember allah is all doer and he will take care of you just concentrate on asking forgiveness and repenting only then you will be clean of all this no matter you go for hymen restoration or any other surgery you will still be a sinner if u have not repented make your soul clean and stop running behind him and begging him for it he is not worth of and will never undrstand it will make situation more worse , never pray for him to be punished rather pray for your forgiveness Allah is watching everything and he will punish the sinner and forgive sins also it is allah's wish and we cant ask allah to punish someone i know it is difficult situation but you must realise its all come out of your mistakes and sins so ask alah for forgiveness its only allah who can bring out of this problem and no one else dont have so much faith on him or that surgery , the bitter truth is he will never understand your pain as he is worst person who has done zina , remember the good men will offer for marriage not for zina , if you make your self good women difinately good man will approach you and he will difinately accept you as he will worry abt life aftr death more than this world ,

    jazakallah khair

  11. How would a fake hymen save you in akhira? And btw wouldn't it be a fraud to your futute husband?

  12. From reading the other posts, it's sad to see that virginity is seen as something rare or even unimportant. But for muslims, virginity/chastity should be important for both men and women. There seems to be confusion among some of you between divorcees or widows and a zaani. A person who has only had intercourse within marriage is chaste. So they cannot be put into the same category as those who commit zina. It is not about hymen as some of you are making it to be. It's about morals, character and values. A muslim man or woman has a right to expect a chaste/virgin spouse if that is what they want. They shouldn't be demonized for it.

    Now to the main post. Dear sister, turn to Allah in repentance. Keep yourself away from non mahrams, and do not rush into marriage. Try to take some time out for yourself and find ways to increase your spirituality. Getting surgery will only be a form of deception, because even though you will have that hymen, the truth is you are not a virgin. I'm sorry this happened to you, its unfortunate that these stories are becoming quite common among muslims girls. You cannot change the past, but you can learn from it. May Allah guide you and protect you.

    • JazzakAllahu khair Sister. Thank you so much for this post. Others may demonize us and have us feel that we are arrogant people who haven't reached ihsan and that we are acting like we are angels or something because we don't want what an-Nabi(S) had-(virgin, widowed, divorcee.)

      SubhanAllah.

      I agree with your advise to OP.

  13. Assalam alaikum sister,

    Unfortunately, you have received advice from some people with their own agenda boasting about their chastity, and I have no idea why they come to give advice to people--as if they are just here to prove to the world that they are Angels bound only to Heaven--as if they have a guarantee above others.

    Regardless, I will say that do tawbah. The bottom line is that you have sinned and you can't force your boyfriend to do what you want--please protect yourself, your body, your soul. Pray to Allah for guidance and spend a lot of time praying and asking for forgiveness. I don't think putting your hopes in your boyfriend is a good idea at all--I would say break it off immediately, so that he knows you are serious and seek forgiveness again and again with all sincerity and do not repeat this mistake.

    When the Quran was revealed to Prophet Muhammad SAWS, it was over many years (I think 23 years), over which time not all people became Muslim instantaneously. As the message of Islam came to them, and they realized the gravity of their mistakes, they asked for forgiveness and improved their character over time. The Quran wasn't revealed in one night and the next day everyone was perfect. I don't mention this to give you an excuse, but rather to make you think that now you know better, so do better--and do not forget your connection with Allah swt - because you are answerable to Allah, not to society. Allah will know if you are sincere and He will know if you are worthy of forgiveness--not the people around you--so concern yourself with Allah above anything and everything.

    May Allah guide us all, Ameen.

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Not wanting a woman who committed zina doesn't mean I am saying I am some angel bound for Paradise.

      And yes, I agree she should concern herself with Allah and hide her sin and also not try to deceive her future husband.

    • "Unfortunately, you have received advice from some people with their own agenda boasting about their chastity, and I have no idea why they come to give advice to people--as if they are just here to prove to the world that they are Angels bound only to Heaven--as if they have a guarantee above others."

      You have uttered a complete lie. Go an repent. If you look at my first post, you will see sound advise. You cannot possibly criticize anyone for demanding for marriage what an-Nabi(S) had-divorced, widowed and virgin woman.

    • Unfortunately, you have received advice from some people with their own agenda boasting about their chastity, and I have no idea why they come to give advice to people--as if they are just here to prove to the world that they are Angels bound only to Heaven--as if they have a guarantee above others.

      Shame on you Ms.Saba.You have slandered people over here. You should repent.

    • Sister Saba how do you know what people’s agendas or intentions are? Please do not slander your fellow Muslim brothers and sisters. We are all here to give advice, so just because you do not agree with someone else’s views does not mean that they are boasting. May Allah forgive and guide us all.

      • Thanks for your comments and feedback.

        I never mentioned anyone in particular--I said SOME people--the majority of advice is very very good, and in many cases excellent mashaAllah. And yes, I find some(again some) people only boast about their chastity and make it sound as though those who committ sins are hell-bound. And IF ALLAH can forgive those who have sinned, hide their errors and bring them closer to deen, then I think those boasting remarks should be withheld.
        Perhaps when I made this comment, I had in mind that a brother referred to girls with a past as being sluts (Comment from another thread on Oct 6th "If you go the islamic route first of all you have to commit to these sluts and if things don't work out which 60% of the time don't.") It is amazing to me that not a single person voiced any problem with referring to girls in this way, yet wanted other comments deleted or have a problem with my comment.

        As for who men should marry and who they should not Br. Mahmud, I never said I am against what the Prophet suggested, so do not utter what what you have suggested. You wrote: "You cannot possibly criticize anyone for demanding for marriage what an-Nabi(S) had-divorced, widowed and virgin woman."--I have never said do not marry a virgin. I have never said the things you are suggesting. What I am saying is that to suggest that there is no hope for the one who has sinned, is ridiculous. Are you saying that if a girl sins, she should not get married? Because clearly you would divorce such a woman no matter how many years you were married to her or never marry one in the first place. Or are you suggesting that one after one proposal that comes to a girl, she should disclose all her sins for just to get rejected again and again? I suppose you will say she deserves it--maybe I am wrong--all I want to know is what is the SOLUTION for such Muslims--other than living a life of solitude or disclosing their darkest moments of their life?

        When the message came via Prophet Muhammad AS, people were openly committing sins. We take for granted the fact that we are born Muslims, and I would argue that sometimes we don't "consciously" become Muslims until we go through some trials and tribulations and before that we go through the motions without our heart in the process. Islam was a message of mercy and once you realize it, I don't beleive that any of us are turned away when we sincerely embrace it.

        When you marry someone, you don't own them. You don't need to know every detail of their life--each one of us will go to our own graves and answer to Allah.

        How do we as humans know that someone who has committed a grave sin may become greater in the eyes of Allah above the one who avoided a grave sin?

        I never claimed to know the agendas and intentions of others, but it is very clear from some people's comments what they mean.

        I am sorry that the meaning of my words were misconstrued in how they were interpreted, but I stand by what I say for what I have mentioned above (and there is much more that I have left out.)

        May Allah forgive us our sins.

        • You clearly haven't read all my posts, and no, you have no right to judge other people who commented as arrogant "angels who think they are Paradise bound" and in doing so, display your "humility" to everyone.

          "When you marry someone, you don't own them. You don't need to know every detail of their life--each one of us will go to our own graves and answer to Allah."
          No, but you have the right to marry the person you want and to remain married to the person you want. Each one of us will go to our graves, and sick slander is one of the things we are to be accounted for.

          "Are you saying that if a girl sins, she should not get married?"

          Well, if you ignore most of what I've said, that's really your problem and I can't help you. You'll keep flinging questions like this and I really don't have the time to repeat myself. Learn to be humble and accept you are wrong Ms. Saba.

          I'll reiterate this however:it's demanded in my culture, and in others, to marry a virgin. There is nothing wrong with refraining from marrying a woman with a past or divorcing her once you find out if you made it clear pre-nikah that you wanted to marry a virgin. You have no right to judge people negatively for that, whatsoever. You have no right to slander people who express their shock and their opinions on this matter as well. Keep your slander to yourself.

        • Please refrain from slander and justifying your slander.

  14. Assalamu walaikum

    Dear sister I feel u must go for hymen restoration if its really mandatory in ur society, I can understand ur situation, once u r exposed , ur parents will be shattered , they will be despised in the society.

    If Allah swt wishes & rewards u for a good husband since u have repented sincerely then its gud, u will be saved..

    May Allah bless us ..ameen

    Saba is this u my friend, from Hyderabad & staying in Dubai ???

    Saba do reply.

    • One shouldn't care what society thinks of them. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was despised when he started out but did he care? No

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatllahi wa barakatuh

      If any man exposes her sin, he probably bears a sin even worse than zina. He may divorce her, however he has no right to expose her.

      Also, she is not allowed to deceive someone else and she is not allowed to uncover her sin. Both are extremes and Allah has commanded adl(balance) in the Quran.

  15. Salam brother Mahmud,

    You have every right to your opinion and desire to have a virgin wife but you do not have any right to call anyone disgraceful for commiting a sin which they are repenting for and sincerely regret. Also if a man marries a women who has commited zina in the past it does not mean that he has no self respect!

    It is very easy to love and respect a perfect individual with no faults but is is very difficult and challenging to accept a person who made mistakes in the past and is trying to be a better muslim. It is easy to say sorry but very difficult to forgive. So a person who welcomes a repenter with open arms has high respect in my eyes! Think of how much happiness this person will be giving another person who may be in so much pain due to their sins and hatred by society. To finally be accepted and loved unconditionally will be heaven to them.

    Many women are manupilated by some muslim men who give them false promises of marriage and emotionally blackmail them into committing sins. Women by nature are emotional. Men know this and take advantage of it. Many girls may be going through so much problems in their life and look for some hope in the form of a future husband. Who actually cheats the women for his own entertainment and then leaves her scarred for life. Of course its no excuse for anyone to commit sins but this is the reality.

    There are far more chaste women then men. You just don't here about these men because they don't care and just move on to the next victim. As women see intimacy as a sign of love where as some men see it as entertainment and use women and then discard them with no remorse. So women have good intentions (ultimately wanted marriage) and fear Allah so are repentful. Thats why you here a lot of these cases from women here and NOT men. These men are the worst not only did they commit a major sin but have also tortured and cheated a women with no remorse.

    You are lucky that Allah kept you away from sins but not everyone is so fortunate. Everyone has different lives and different problems which may make them weak and lose control.

    There is no need to worry about not finding what you want. Assuming you look for a practising muslima to marry then you just need to make it clear that you want a chaste women. Then she will be honest and walk away if she is not what you want.

    Simple problem solved!

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      "but you do not have any right to call anyone disgraceful for commiting a sin"

      Good, because I didn't.

      "There are far more chaste women then men."

      JazzakAllahu khair for the good news.

      "Many women are manipulated by some muslim men who give them false promises of marriage and emotionally blackmail them into committing sins. Women by nature are emotional. Men know this and take advantage of it. Many girls may be going through so much problems in their life and look for some hope in the form of a future husband. Who actually cheats the women for his own entertainment and then leaves her scarred for life. Of course its no excuse for anyone to commit sins but this is the reality.

      There are far more chaste women then men. You just don't here about these men because they don't care and just move on to the next victim. As women see intimacy as a sign of love where as some men see it as entertainment and use women and then discard them with no remorse."

      Unfortunately, I and other brothers are then left with fewer options..........

      "There is no need to worry about not finding what you want. Assuming you look for a practising muslima to marry then you just need to make it clear that you want a chaste women. Then she will be honest and walk away if she is not what you want."

      JazzakAllahu khair

      May Allah grant me all those most excellent qualities in a woman and also chastity and virginity.

    • Sister Sumaira,
      Even though it is true that men use women more often, and women are sometimes manipulated into being intimate, they still are ultimately responsible for their own actions. Committing zina with the hopes of getting married is wrong on so many levels. Since most men eventually leave once they get what they want, why would any woman believe that a man who commits zina will change for her?
      Women need to learn to be smarter and respect themselves and their bodies more. I think its the trend of seeing zina as a minor thing that is causing all these problems. Just because men commit zina, does not make it okay for women to do it too. Men who do this will be judged by Allah, as we all will be. The only way women can move past these issues, is to empower themselves and not be so weak to give men all they want. If a man is truly worth it he will definitely not convince a woman to commit zina. He will want to wait until marriage. If you respect yourself others will also respect you. By the way, this advise is not directed at you, it is general advise. May Allah guide us all.

      • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

        Ariana sister, I 100% agree with you! Just because women are "emotionally manipulated" and the like doesn't mean they are excused from committing zina! They have committed a grave sin. They need to respect themselves and preserve their chastity for their future spouse.

        • In shaa Alalh you will find a wife like you Allah knows best what is good for us and pls look for what you think is best in front of Allah. You have all rights marry a virgin wife as well any other women. You just want be special like you and chaste and pure inside heart and think if is like this is close to Allah trully. Yeah that is is true and go for it in shaa Allah. I m proud of you and hope Alalh will give u the best in this life and heareafter in shaa Allah and to all of us too.

      • Mash Allah sister agree with you

  16. Br. Mahmud,

    Also, she is not allowed to deceive someone else and she is not allowed to uncover her sin. Both are extremes and Allah has commanded adl(balance) in the Quran.

    Can you explain the above sentence for clarification purposes please. If a woman is not allowed to deceive AND she is not allowed to be truthful (which is how I read the sentence), then what is she to do? Shall she exist in some sort of limbo and remain unmarried forever? And while I agree that for the most part, people should not expose the sins of others, if a person chooses to disclose their own sin, then why not? It isn't hidden from Allah. HE knew of it at the first. Is a man allowed to deceive someone else? Is he too not allowed to uncover his sin? What is the point of keeping secrets anyway? Allah already knows.

    • Lydia, if Allah has saved a person from humiliation and disgrace in the eyes of his fellow men, then why should he/she betray that blessing and reveal it?

      I haven't been following all the comments on this post but I see what you're asking and I've addressed this many times. A woman can simply say, "I've made mistakes in the past and I have repented for those mistakes. I will not say anything more about it. If you can accept this then Alhamdulillah, let's proceed. If not then I understand."

      If a woman begins talking about her past, the man will demand to know everything. Who she slept with, how many times, etc. Should she humiliate herself by revealing all of that when she has already made tawbah and changed her life? Why should she expose things that she has tried to repent and forget? And I can tell you that if a woman begins describing all these things, most men will hold it against her and will not be able to let it go or forgive her. It will poison any relationship she might have.

      There is wisdom in what Allah has commanded (concealing our sins). Let's not question it or argue against it.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • "Can you explain the above sentence for clarification purposes please. If a woman is not allowed to deceive AND she is not allowed to be truthful (which is how I read the sentence),"

      You read it incorrectly. One, she is not to confess her sin to anyone. Allah knows best the reason, but it is in our Shariah.

      Two, reconstructing the hymen is an act of deceit.

      She can still get married if she has repented. I just wouldn't like to be in the position of her husband.

      Anyways, due to my little hangup, this thread exploded(my fault, sorry) into a discussion on virginity. There are other issues the OP has, like her feeling violated(and the reason is she violated herself), her inability to accept blame for her actions and her insisting on shifting the burden on someone else. None of this suggests to me much remorse or tauba. Tauba isn't asking Allah to forgive you while continually feeling,mentioning and acting like the sin isn't entirely your fault.

      She's also under the illusion that deceiving her future husband is better for her in the akhirah. This is nothing but a trap from Shaytan. He who deceives is not from among us. This is in the hadith. So committing deceit will certainly not be better for her.

      The way out for her I see is that she conceals her sin, resists the fitnah to commit deceit, gets married and if the marriage goes well, all good, and if it doesn't and she divorces, then possible suspicions for her lack of virginity will vanish(in society.)

      I still can't help but feel sorry for her future husband if he was hoping for a virgin while he maintained his chastity bi idhnillah. If he finds out, I'm sure he will be absolutely devastated. But then again, perhaps not. In any case, he has the right to not be deceived. If he made it clear pre-nikah that he wants a virgin, she should respect his wishes and cancel the nikah(she doesn't have to mention why, she can simply say "I don't think this marriage will work." All that matters her is how it ends. However, in this deen, only the appropriate means lead to a good end.

  17. The thing we keep forgetting is that this world is divided between believers and disbelievers and not zaanis and virgins. yes its true that zina is a big sin and unreasonable but all you can do is repent to The Most Merciful.
    We all make mistakes at some point but we should also remember that it is Allah who overlooks our mistakes, precisely why shirk is the biggest sin. because shirk is committed against The Perfect One.
    And zina though a very big sin, men should remember that even they are humans and in no way perfect. Men say that a woman's virginity is very valued and if a man is not virgin woman can overlook that but men cannot forgive that.
    Do they not see, that it is out of Allah's mercy that He has made women so forgiving, otherwise we all know who is capable of doing more zina. Just imagine the number of men rejected for being zanis. But we all know that even blessings have a test in them
    Ofcourse there are men who do not fall into this sin and they have every right to expect the same from their wives but they should also remember that their purity is through Allah and they should not hold it as a default right to end up with the purest of pure. Allah is The Bestower

    Those who avoid the major sins and immoralities, only [committing] slight ones. Indeed, your Lord is vast in forgiveness. He was most knowing of you when He produced you from the earth and when you were fetuses in the wombs of your mothers. So do not claim yourselves to be pure; He is most knowing of who fears Him.(53:32)

    That being said, its right that you would be deceiving your future husband and that would be another sin. Own up to your mistakes, repent to Allah and move on because ultimately it is His forgiveness that matters and Insha Allah He will forgive you and give you good . And look for a man who is willing to accept you the way you are at present and does not just expect a virgin. You have to improve as a muslimah because you owe it to Allah and no one else.
    Also Allah is the One who purifies us of our sins because being pure and impure is journey. Even the purest of the people could become sinners and the impurest can become pure through Allah's mercy.
    The prophet (S.A.W.) says: "Truly in the body there is a lump of flesh which, if it be good, the whole body is good, and which, if it be corrupted, the whole body is corrupted. Truly it is the heart."{Reported by Imam Bukhari}

    O you who have believed, do not follow the footsteps of Satan. And whoever follows the footsteps of Satan - indeed, he enjoins immorality and wrongdoing. And if not for the favor of Allah upon you and His mercy, not one of you would have been pure, ever, but Allah purifies whom He wills, and Allah is Hearing and Knowing.(24:21)

    Repent and move on but do not even think of deceiving your future husband or it will be a marriage based on a huge lie and Allah does not support the liars

    May Allah guide you to good 🙂

    • Your response was what I was unable to say--very nicely put--especially "The thing we keep forgetting is that this world is divided between believers and disbelievers and not zaanis and virgins. yes its true that zina is a big sin and unreasonable but all you can do is repent to The Most Merciful."

      MashaAllah

      Your response was full of wisdom.

  18. AsSalaamu Alaikum,

    I can imagine, Sister Ranad, you may not have been convinced of what is best for you. On the contrary, you may be convinced that your initial plan is the correct course of action. When I read the title of your post, I was shocked. 105 comments later, I better understand what would drive you to such an action. But that is the way this life is. It is not as if the truth is not right in front of us. It is just that there are distractions all around, causing fear and grief, most often. The truth is you have sinned against Allah, and to say it is between you and Allah is no trifle. The distraction is the fear of other people judging you for that sin and the grief of being stigmatized, and breaking the hearts of loved ones. Judgment (not punishment) has the effect of driving you away from ownership of your sin, causing you not only to want to not cover it up, but to deceive. I cannot imagine the chaos you will face in your home, and community. But think, Sister, in terms of eternity. There is good, sound advice on this post. Read again. It takes pure intention and true repentance to see (through distraction, to) the truth.

    Salaam,

    Hana

  19. Assalam alaikum,
    Br. Wael,

    A few comments ago and weeks ago, I mentioned I was still on moderation--was wondering if you had a chance to look into it?

    JazakAllah.

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Considering your inflammatory, recent slander, I think you need to remain on moderation.

      • Br. Mahmud,

        There was not slander, it is your interpretation. If that is what you think, that is your opinion--maybe your don't like the fact, but at the end of the day you don't understand what I am saying. I mean no disrespect to anyone, but you are offended because you don't understand my message. It may be my fault that I have been unable to convey it properly, but Allah also knows that it is my intention to send a message to this sister, to other sisters and other brothers that there is hope and forgiveness awaiting if they sincerely want it.

        How can we send a message that Allah will forgive you, but no human will?

        Forgiveness allows a person a chance to do better whereas saying that you are no good will give no reason to a person to do better.

        At the end of the day, it is my sincere wish that we pass all the tests of this world.

        • Allah does forgive while humans do not, and this is a reality, particularly in the area where this woman probably lives.

          Nobody on here has said she is "no good." Rather, the overwhelming response has been that she should ask for forgiveness. Before you comment, think. Intentionally or not, you have slandered others.

          • Br. Mahmud,

            You started here with your wanting to marry a virgin woman (and you have a right to that opinion)--but keep on topic to avoid the comments that have happened.

            JazakAllah.

  20. Assalaamualaikam

    Brothers and sisters, this is running the risk of becoming a bit of a flame war - let's keep discussion here about the original poster's issue, and refrain from further criticism of each other - no more backbiting or accusations, please.

    I'm not getting involved in who said what or who started things, but I will say that it needs to stop here.

    May Allah help us all to soften our hearts towards each other and retain Islamic values in our lives.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Ameen. Would help if you cleaned this page up(yes, I am seriously responsible for this mess, I admit it.)

      • is not a mess and what happend happend by grace of Alalh to realize real issue that people not want to hear an di sgood you say it loud is nothing wrong with it. well done.

    • AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister Midnightmoon,

      I respect the decision that this should stop here. However I saw this after I typed my response to "ruhiiejarifa" above, as I saw what she/he is saying as a very serious matter. This forum will remain here, and people will come and read it after us. Therefore I wanted to give the complete answer to her/his question (Not for the sake of argument, but for the sake of delivering the proper Islamic massage, regarding the Forgiveness and Mercy of Allah.).

      I have honestly ignored unacceptable or harsh words in my response. I will post it now (and then leave it for good). I apologize for that

  21. Dear sister, i will pray that allah lets all hell loose on that horrible man, and i will pray for u sister to hter lifave a bete, to get mrried, and live happily ever after. Do not worry at all, Allah is always with u, and he will for give u. stay strong sister!

  22. Assalamualaikum,

    I read all of the posts. Interesting! I read some replies along the lines of it is very hard for men to forget their wives' pasts. I was just wondering, does a past also constitute simply speaking (without meeting) within Islamic guidelines to get to know each other's goals and personalities but it didn't work out? I have chatted/spoken to 2 people so far in my life (within Islamic guidelines). I am afraid that my future husband will find it upsetting. Or maybe i am just over-thinking it.

    • Yes, you are overthinking it. There is nothing wrong with speaking to someone for the purpose of deciding compatibility for marriage, within Islamic boundaries. So there is nothing for your future husband (Insha'Allah) to resent or forgive.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  23. I can't believe that someone who wants a virgin wife is seen as being unreasonable almost. I think every chaste muslim has the right to want a partner that kept him/herself pure. It is not something to be belittled, it is not something unimportant at all. If I have guarded myself all my life, do you think I want to marry someone who slept with someone, and not just once, but several times? And yes, it's almost the same thing, premarital sex and eating junkfood! Ha!
    I think people that can controll their urges can be proud of themselves, and they have the right to demand the same from their partner. And to Mahmud, to ease your fear brother, I think there are a lot of women out there who feel the same way you do, and I wish you a good, pure muslima insha Allah. Both me and my husband have been of those who waited.
    I think in our muslim culture it is considered something so big, so wrong, that it is almost impossible for a girl to do. And if she is able to cross those boundaries it says a lot about who she is as a person. (unfortunately for most guys it is easy, thats why I admire those who don't) And I'm not talking about someone who is reverted, those people are brought up in a different culture, and I think after they are reverted they shouldn't be blamed for their past. They are to be admired. And obviously I'm not talking about someone who is raped or someone who was previously married. Bottom line, the integrity in someone's hart is what counts. And for all those brothers and sisters who sincerely regret their zina, I hope that Allah forgives them. And all the brothers and sisters keeping themselves chaste, I wish you all husbands and wives that are like yourselves.

    • No one thinks it is unreasonable to want to marry a virgin--the issue is far more intricate than that. You have come very late into the conversation which was continued from another post so I can see why you might think that.

  24. i read her issue and i am really feeling sorry for her,man are so mean and bastards some time ,you won't trust them,there is a way to find out if girl is virgin or not but what about male if they do sex etc
    how would girl know she marry a pious and virgin man or not?
    why he judge her then

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