Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to be good, but it is difficult

hijabi sisterSalam,

I am so lost and confused. I am extremely depressed and have been for more than 5 years. I was abandoned by my family right after high school. I came to a foreign country alone and I met this guy during my first year. He was a good muslim guy who became my whole family and he took really good care of me. No other person was able to deal with me. Although some muslim girls tried, I was too difficult to handle and they basically didn't want to be around a depressed person.We had so many problems as we were very incompatible and we both had jealousy problems. School pressure got the best of me  and I was heavily medicated by doctors.

Unfortunately, I had a physical relation with this guy and he promised me to marry me when I get better and fix my mental problems. I didn't care much about life or living at that point although I felt guilty and tried to repent so many times I even went to the mosque and talked to some lady who was only able to give me 1 hour of her time. My problems were too big and I didn't know how to deal with them. The constant panic attacks and my depression along with  my constant crying and fears put a big weight on our relationship which pushed me to other guys as he left each other so many times. He forgave me for a few mistakes I made in the past however I keep messing up till today.

Now, I am too attached to him. I have asking  him to get married for so long but he is refusing and he believes my mental problems will affect both of our lives. He recently told me it is no longer an option. He left the country a year ago but we are still in touch. He is my only family and We both care too deeply about each other. I know the best thing to do is to stop talking to each other which he wants but i can't do that at this point. He is my true and only support. He pushes me to be the best I can. I started learning more about islam a month ago although I converted to islam when i was in grade 10 but failed to keep up with it.

I need advice on what to do next. I am really down and depressed which is preventing me from practicing islam but I do attend many islamic lectures. Whenever I talk to him I feel energized and happy and it pushes me to become a better muslim. I don't want to be depressed anymore and I don't want to think about suicide anymore. I fear that any day I might end my life. I just want to become a good muslim person and I want to marry him.

I feel that I am too young and I don't know much about life. My mum is so far away she can't talk to me much because of her abusive husband. All the girls around me my age and younger are getting married and are happy and are surrounded by good family.

I don't know what to do . He was always my only source of advice and now he wants to cut me out.  I don't think anyone else can deal with my depression and parents usually from where I come from don't like it when they see a girl living on her own.... I am so lost please help. I Just want to be good but it's too difficult :'(


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2 Responses »

  1. Salam sister
    It is tough to let go of people we have grown attached to but sometimes it's the best we can do for ourselves. Put your trust in Allah (S.W) and He shall guide you. You must empty your hands to receive a bigger blessing. This is a test you must pass. It is a test of patience and faith and you shall see the light at the end of the tunnel. So many times I have thought of people being necessary in my life. Two days ago. As I was doing some thinking. I came to realize no one is irreplaceable in our life except Allah +S.W) and our parents. Do not think of suicide as the answer to your questions. It is not a solution. . Just a bigger and a worse sin. Go back to Allah +S.W) and you shall come out of this a better person. I used to be depressed but trusting Allah (S.W) has granted me some much needed peace.

  2. I feel really bad for you for having to go through life's problems by yourself :(. I sincerely do :(. Your depression sounds severe and I you can't get the help you really need by talking to a random woman at the mosque who has no formal/academic education or experience dealing with mental health problems - I think it's important that you start seeing a psychiatrist who can help you feel better - plus, she or he can prescribe you the correct medicitaion so that you're not medicated more than necessary.

    Sister, I can understand why you cling on to this guy and end up in other guys' beds, too...I can imagine that being with these men probably gives you a sense of security, love, intimacy and security in your otherwise problematic and lonely life. But you're only harming yourself more by not taking better care of yourself, Darling. From what I can understand, I don't think anyone has ever really looked after you...and that IS extremely tough! Don't you think that after all of these hardships that you now, FINALLY, deserve some attention and care? I do! I really think you deserve a break and to focus a lot more on yourself. You can't be the best version of you if you never do what's best for yourself. And this ex-boyfriend of your's is definitely not what's best for you, nor are the other men you sleep with. The best you can do is to cut these men uot of your life completely, reach out to get some help for your mental illness, your anxiety and your emotional scars...and try to fill out your time with things that you enjoy and will do you good, Sweetheart. You can start going to the gym, for instance - not only will you feel great about your body but exercise releases hormones that are going to help keeping your depression and anxiety in check. Don't give up reaching out to Muslim girls and try to make new friends that are going to be a positive asset to your life...I promise you that if you seek the correct help for your internal problems, you will see a change in yourself as a person - a more positive and relaxed person who can get close to people...the correct people. You don't need anymore boyfriends or losers in your bed. Do yourself a favour and take care of YOU! Don't convince yourself that you need your ex in order to survive - you need a break from all the craziness in your life...

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