Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel guilty for commiting sins but I want to become good Muslimah again. Please help.

Pre-marital relationships are haram in Islam


My story is long but I will try to make it as short as a can. I am 20 years old and I started being a bad muslimah 2009 when I met my current boyfriend. I was a good girl before I met this guy. When I met him; I start going out to shisha bars, dressing like Americans and when I turned 19 I committed sin. I knew it was haram before marriage but some how I did it and I wish I never did so. In 2010 I thought I got pregnant; I took the test again, not by a doctor but the pregnancy test and it said positive again ,so we decide to get married and he came to my family and ask my hand. After a week I went to the doctor but the results was negative so I told him its negative and I don't have to go meet his family. Anyhow, he made me meet his family and said he still want to get married because he is tired of the haram relatioship that we had. As the time passed; his friends started telling him that if he gets married his life will suck so now, he keep saying he is not ready to get married.

I love him so much and I don't want to loose him; on the other hand, I feel embaressed because we told everyone we are getting married and everyone keep asking me when we getting married including his family. His family used to not like me because they didn't know me like that but now they love me; he doesn't even call me a lot anymore. He says he loves me so much but he IS not ready to get married soon. I want to stop this haram relationship and at the same time I don't want lose him; I love him so much as he is my first boyfriend and I have been with him for 2 and a half years. I want be a good Muslimah and I want to stop this haram relationship. I want be happy again; I can't sleep at night time; I keep thinking about him and why I did what I did? I hope Allah will forgives me; please help me and give me your best advices.


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5 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister Cazma.

    It really is simple for him. He should either forget this relationship or he should marry you. If he is scared he hasn't enough money to live with you then at least should do nikah so relationship is halal. Nikah is not difficult.

    Please do not continue in this haraam relationship. Stop seeing him and being in contact with him. Give him some time to make a decision and ask Allah swt to give you whats best for you. It may be that no matter how much you love him, you may be unhappy if you married him. Allah knows best dear sister so put your trust in Him and do Istikhaarah as well. (Please read all istikhaarah links at top of this page (in green) very carefully before proceeding). You cannot force him to marry you - it has to come from him. But he also cannot force you to remain in a haram relationship.

    Make sincere tawbah for the sin you committed, and make the firm intention to never return to it. If he decides he will marry you sooner then you can see him on supervised visit (with your mahram present or at the very least a third person at all times) to discuss marriage plans.

    I am sorry that you feel so torn but turn to Allah swt and ask Him to guide you to the best thing for you. You deserve a brother who will marry you happily. Also know that if he decides not marry you then with time you will stop loving him and move on InshaAllah. Do not drive yourself crazy with what-ifs.

    Also dear sister, you say you want to be happy. You will never be happy if you do not have Allah swt on your side, even if you have this guy and everything else you desire. And you will be happy and content InshaAllah if you have Allah on your side, even if you dont have this guy and other things you desire. Put Allah swt before everything and He will put blessings in your marriage. So focus on your relationship with Allah and submit to Him fully. He will give you whats best for you. A relative was in the exact situation as you, the girl decided not to marry him after stringing him along for years. He was so hurt. But Alhumdulilah some years later he eventually married and his new wife is amazing MashaAllah. Beautiful, kind, close to her deen and very loving. Although he loved that first girl and felt the same way you feel, Allah gave him so much better. Do you think he misses that first girl now?

    My point is, that Allah swt does things for a reason, He does whats best for us not always what we want.
    So explain to this guy that you can't remain in this relationship and give him the choice, along with some time to choose. Be firm and don't break down. Then give him time, get out of the picture and trust in Allah.

    Sara Editor

  2. Salaam,

    32. And come not near unto Ziinaa. It is a faahishaa and an evil way.- Surah Al Israa.

    Cause of troubles is disobedience to this aayaah. Start to run away from ziinaa, Insha Allah you will find yourself in a peaceful state of mind.

    May Allah help you obey His orders, Insha Allah.


  3. Salam Caz,

    I don't believe you are a bad Muslim...I think you are a young woman who has clearly made some very poor choices.

    Repent and seek Allah's forgiveness for your transgressions , this is most important. As for your male friend, stop any and all contact with him. You are more than someones "booty call". If he wants to ask for your hand in marriage, he knows where you live.

    As for you not being pregnant, consider that a blessing from Allah in and of itself. Allow yourself to move on and forward with your life. Learn from your mistakes and God willing you will grow from them. Never think for a moment that you are not worthy of more, you are.

  4. Sister,

    Please tell the guy either nikah or no more pre-martial relationship.
    You need to repent a lot even once iA once u r married.
    He too needs to repent now and after marriage.
    if he is not ready for halal, clean relationship then please do not contact/meet him.
    He is an adult and you are an adult too- you got the ability to make a firm decision. Therefore, if he is not ready for halal, clean relationship then please do not contact/meet him at all.

    In the interim, please focus on other aspect of ur life:
    1. Islam- try to get more closer to Allah(swt)-pray the 5 times daily prayers, take quran classes, attend islamic talks, read islamic books
    2. Take some sort of qualification- that u find interesting- nursing, accounting, marketing, doctor, social worker, and that there is a job to it at end
    3. Spend time with family and friends- be there for them
    4. Work somewhere part-time to gain some work experience
    5. Do charity or community work
    6. Eat well
    7. Become a happy confident and secured Muslimah

    take care x

  5. Assalamu aleikum warahmatullah wabarakatuhu.

    Let me give you my advice. Even if you end up in marriage there will not be Barakah or stablity in that marriage, because you started your relationship with non-Islamic behavior or sins, so if you really want to safe your life here and hereafter get out of this relationship and repent to Allah at the same time try to get another boy insha Allah. Allah is ever capable of forgiving you, so never give up.

    Assalamu aleikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh.

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