Want to get back with Ex husband
A while back me and my husband got divorced, it was more or less amicable and due to our families not getting on with each other. We also have a child together but as we had no family support and this was often the cause of our arguments we didn't think that we would last. I did try and convince him that Allah Swt will show us a way and we can survive, but he was very impatient and saw no point - not even for the sake of our child.
We then had a civil divorce followed by me applying for Khula. Before the Khula he decided not to have any dealings with his son and wanted a fresh start, thus I decided that this would be the best course in my life.
We didn't hear from him for a few years. I started my life again moved back to my parents home, got a new job and have been trying to build a future for my son. My life seemed to be back on track, I was making the most of what I have but now he is back in our lives.
He has decided that he wants to be a part of his son's life (my son doesn't know who he is as he is very little). We went through courts and now he is seeing him on a regular basis. We have a very professional relationship now, I drop him off and pick him up, if needs being we will discuss issues relating to our son.
But I am a bit confused now, he always is very kind to me at the visits and often makes general chit chat with me. I try to detach myself from the situation as when we get into conversations I later start analysing the situation and get very upset. It sometimes seems like he wants to get back with me but he is holding back, he is acting the way he did before we got married. He has not remarried even though his parents were actively showing him suitable proposal's even when we were married.
To tell you the truth I want that to happen as I have found over the years I have been made to feel humiliated by family members for being divorced and the fact that I have a child makes me think if I was remarrying someone else it would only complicate my life as I would always have my past and present in front of my eyes. Therefore I think if I remarried him my son would have a happy and secure life and so will I. The only problem is our families, they will never get along because they are too proud. Mine will probably disown me. And I dont want to lose them!
It seems like I have sacrificed my life for others and still I am the bad guy!
But I am not even sure if we can remarry, according to me I think we have had 2 divorces so we have one chance left! Am I right in thinking this?!
Could anyone advise me on what I should do, I am leaving it to Allah swt and I pray constantly but at times things do seem unbearable!
Please also pray for me and my son
Jazakallah
- sister in distress
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Salaam my Sister,
The feelings you are having are very natural, this is the father of your child and he has come back, he is being nice again and naturally old feelings will begin to stir within you.
What you must remember is that this is still the same man, with the same family and the same situation and the danger here is that you will be going in circles with the same man, same story again and again which is actually harmful. Your son has only just gotten his father back in his life, and this is his turn to build a relationship with this man without you taking over and making this about you.
You don't know what his intentions are. The easiest way to stop analysing the situation and come to a clear conclusion is to just ask this man straight out if it is his intention to start a relationship again with you and resist the pressures from his family that split you in the first place. Unless you know this it makes sense that you control yourself for the sake of your son - as these visits are about the child and not about you. If he was visiting you it would be another story - but many fathers want to see their children and it may be that that is all he wants and you are putting yourself through unnecessary heartache. Also, trying to start things again after all this time and then having them not go smoothly would wreak more havoc for your child, so please maintain a level of normality for the sake of your son, and don't risk his relationship with his father because you have started to have feelings.
I would advise that you ask him straight out what his intentions are - does he want to see your son, or does he harbour feelings for you? Once you have gotten a clear picture of his intentions then you will be better placed to worry about whether you can go through this again or not. At the moment you are interpreting his actions, and that interpretation is being clouded and influenced by your own inner feelings of what you want his action to mean.
Be straight - be clear - ask him and then accept the response.
Peace,
L
Thank you Leyla, your advice makes sense.
Interestingly just after i had posted my response i had a heated debate with my ex over our child. The conversation turned sour very quickly and it was no longer about our son but my ex started ranting on about the way we left things off (He placed all the blame on me!). I tried to stay calm and told him to as well but he then eventually swore at me, i was so angry that i pushed him and walked off!
I was so upset that he made such a disgraceful comment about my character, With Allah's Swt grace i have led a very humble life and have never given anyone a reason to point a finger at me. He very well knows that but still he acting in a childish manner!
It seems to me that he also has not moved on! Once things have calmed down i will try and speak to him directly but i am scared he might say something silly again.
How would you approach the situation?
Sister in distress,
There is no situation to approach here. You have already seen the trailer what else do you want to see... He will definitely say something not only silly but hurtful too because that is who he is...
Yes, you are divorced and with a child. That is not that big a concern for the family and other observers it is your independence. You are making a living, raising your child all by yourself and you have a mind of yourself thus some freedom. That is what makes other people uncomfortable so they create all these stigmas. That is how they gain power and start controlling your life.
You have been single for some time. You long for intimacy and physical intimacy is important here. You have known him so it appears safe to you as you are not sure how it will be with another man. Islam respects women so it gives them another chance it is not like many other religions that insist on singular monogamy, thus no second marriage.
Is it not selfish that a man disaasociates from his child and them comes back when he feels convenient? If he hasn't moved ahead then it is his problem. Don't make it your problem. Character assasination is the best weapon in his arsenal. You know and Malik knows your humbleness and how you have conducted your life. So you don't need to explain to anyone.
Look at your self, how far you have come. it is time to celebrate your achivements.
I agree with sister Leyla. It is not about you so let it go. He is definetly trying to make it about you but it is all about him. He has refused to take any reponsibility for what ever happened in the past and what ever is happening now so what makes you think he'll be kind and compassionate in future??
whats with this parents of today they want what they want i mean dont they think if they were placed in their kids situation they got married they lived their life now they wana live and mess up their kids life,his your husband women fight for your husband but dont be nasty bad or cruel deal with ur situation in a polite way,ALLAH is not unjust or cruel he never forces us into anything and he only wishes good for the believers in islam so go back to ur husband talk to him tell him how u feel ask him how he feels try to get back together if ur families want to hate u or disown thats their problem and they will be punished not u ,u shud just make sabr mame ur husband and kid happy inshlh ALLAH will be pleased with u
Sister to b honest with u, I wouldn't go bak to this man. Thnk about y u guys left in first place. And as u mentioned he is still blaming u. I know a kid is involved but Allah will take care of him. Inshallah u will fnd a better suitable man for urself, and ur kid. Inshallah something will wrk out for u.
sister, u have not mentioned how long you were together before divorce.
PPl say so many hurtful things in anger even those they dont mean. Anger too is a manifestation of Shaythan's influence. Before I go on further, tell me if you still have any love for him and want to be back with him. If you do, I hope that the following advice might be helpful. The fact that he has nottaken another wife, clearly indicates that he has not moved on. If it was for the love he has for you, you should really respect that. When there are men who take up many wives and illicit affair even with a devoted wife, you should really appreciate what he has done.
Believe me I have heard much worse from my husband. Infact he would get more angry if I even answered back to him softly. It took so many years for me to master the art of patience with him. Alhamdullillah, he realized his faults now 10 years down the road. He does get angry but once he is back to his senses, he leaves his ego and just apologizes so much. Unconditional love for your spouse for the sake of Allah will melt even a rock. Ofcourse, if he has never showed any signs that he regrets for his words then it is abuse and its better that you stay away from him. Marriage requires a lot of hardwork and compromise. Inshallah, if you do decide to get back, just show your love to him in words and actions. If you can subtly show him how you have given up things for him, I'm sure it will not be long before he reciprocates the same to you.
Analyze what causes his anger. Dont bring your parents into the pic when you have arguments. If his parents are verbally abusive, dont snap back at them. This will only fuel his anger and hatred more.
As far as inlaws are concerned, it might be so that they would have softened too after seeing their son's life being ruined. Or even if they didnt, what you should actually worry is about what your husband thinks. Dont make this as a family problem. You have your duties to your parents as a daughter, but dont let their overcaring ruin your life. I am sure you can tell them that you could handle things on your own with Allah's guidance. If you were married only for a short while, then you would have seen your husband siding with them even when the fault is not yours. This is natural. It takes a while for men to realize and trust their wives. As long as you have always obeyed Allah's commands and our prophet's (saw) advices as to how a wife must be, you will be at no fault. Ask dhua to Allah to soften their hearts. You will surely see the reward. Be good to them, but if they are not good to you, its their problem they will face Allah for it.
If you are still in doubt, pray Isthikara and ask for Allah's guidance into this matter.
Hope to hear good news and happiness from your side soon Inshallah!
I was only married to him for a year, but like I said we had to go our separate ways due to family not getting along with each other. I have seen my friends who are in worst off situation then I ever was and they are still together this made me realise what a stupid mistake it was and yes I do have feelings for him that’s why I am struggling to move on. I did manage to do isthikara and had a very positive dream and also had a heart warming feeling afterwards thus I told him about my feelings for him (which was very difficult). He didn’t mock me or gloat but listened very carefully but and he was under the impression that we cannot remarry unless there was halala involved. So I told him to research into this area as I am aware we have had 2 talaq so we can have to have a fresh nikah however if he divorced me again then there will be no chance of getting back even if we wanted to.
He has not given me an answer as of yet but is trying to find out if we actually can remarry, before he gives his decision to me. He did speak to an imam but he got a confusing response, but said he will ask a few other imams, he did try and contact the council but was unable to get hold of anyone. I get the feeling that he does want to get back as he did not reject the idea straightaway but it’s the parents issue holding him back. One thing which he has said is that he wants the families support, which I understand completely but unfortunately I don’t see my family agreeing. They believe I can do much better and as he disrespected my parents they will not accept him, I think his parents will agree as he will just threaten to leave them. So seems like we are going around in circles.
If he agrees I will talk to my parents and explain them about my decision but I don’t think I will be supported as they think I am very naive and they don’t take me seriously. Im not sure what else I could do, obviously the balls in his court now and all I can do is pray. But I might be just thinking of the worst case scenario but I have complete faith in Allah swt
Reading this thread and hope you decided to patch things up. A year is nothing and men say things they regret in anger. They don't realise how the other half feels. It's hard for them to express their feelings especially when their family is concerned. It's sad because us women think we are their family but they find it hard to adjust at the start. Just give him time. Inshallah things go well for you x
How did things turn out for you sistet?
Salam sister...
I want advice and moral support from u...
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Dear Sister in Distress,
How things have turned out for you?
Did you get back to him? If yes, do you feel you made a good decision?
Or was it a not a good decision.
Please help.
Thanks