Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Want to get married but have family responsibilities


Assalaamualaikum I need some advice regarding the issues in my life which are very complicated.

I am 23 yrs old and am an engineering student, to start I want to give you an idea about my life so that you may be able to judge better.

I am the eldest of my siblings and have a younger brother and a 12 year old sister. I had to face a lot of problems since childhood because I belong to a lower middle class family and had to do a part time job in order to pursue higher studies . I studied hard to get into a good college but when I was in 1st year about more than a year ago from now mother was diagnosed with a fatal malignancy that shattered my life.... ;-(

my parents never treated me like their daughter but thought of me as their elder son and this put huge responsibility on my shoulders.. I couldn't even tell my father at that moment because if I did he would breakdown so I and my brother knew about it. Since my college was in another city I came home leaving everything for a while.

My mother in her pain pleaded me to take her to some good hospital as she feared the local hospital was not would take a lot of money which I lacked in .....but I didn't lose hope in Allah and he also didn't let me down.... Since I was a very good student so when I explained to my teachers they extended help....Alhamdulillaah I managed to collect 2 lac rupees on debt from my 2 teachers and my friends but it was actually Allah who did it....I along with my brother arranged arranged air tickets to Mumbai and we told our father about mother's disease on the evening before we left because we didn't want mother and father to lose hope. I and my brother accompanied my mother to TMC Mumbai. Due to better treatment there my mother's condition improved almost to normal but we came to know that as her disease was in last stage and ultimately fatal. I told my mother that she was to be given chemotherapy..

My mother was a very spiritual woman of exceptional faith who didn't break till the end...the last words I have heard from her tongue were 'oh Allah haven't you forgiven my sins yet, it's painful I want to sleep'...I feel proud to be her daughter ...she fought with the consuming disease for a year with praises of Allah on her tongue her faith made me wonder....till the end she had the belief that Allah could cure all her ills...n he did which I realised when my young sister in her innocence pointed to the smile that grew on her face while we gave her the final bath...she might have seen her abode in heaven in sha Allah....

 Her absence left us in shambles, though with the help of Allah I continued my studies without losing a year but my life is full of responsibilities and problems...but still I thank Allah..

Now the thing is that about three years from now when my mother was in good health I fell in love with a guy it was a pure feeling from the beginning. He supported me through all my ups and downs. We wanted to marry each other from the beginning. It was a long distance relationship mainly because he studied away from home..we called each other and hardly met... Now as he has finished his studies and wants to marry me as soon as possible. I am deep in problems, firstly because I am still studying and after finishing my studies I have to stabilise my home to play a mother for my young siblings especially my younger sister who is just a kid, and also I have to clear the debts I have taken from people as I promised my I am not in a position to enter a marriage for at least five more years...

He is a very understanding and ready to be at my side but fears sin...and he thinks we should do nikah now and then we could repeat it when I sort out my problems .. Now my question is that since we follow the hanafi fiqh and in this madhab there is a view that it's not obligatory for a girl to get the permission of her wali for marriage...esp under some special or exceptional cases as we inquired from various molvis...I saw in various questions on your forum a big no for such problems...but since I can't be so mean to ignore the needs of my siblings and desert them by marrying...and also I cant wait myself for such along time without marrying...I want to know that is it permissible for me to marry so that I can protect myself and the person I love without putting my brother and sister at stake........??? And later on when my younger brother and sister are old enough we can renew our marriage in our parents' presence....


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4 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum,

    Sister, I pray that Allah Forgives your mother and Grants her His Paradise.

    Regarding your quetion, you can marry ONLY with the approval of your Wali. There is no scope for a dispute among madhhabs when we have a saheeh hadeeth, because all the Aimmah said that when a Saheeh hadeeth clashed with their opinion or judgement, their judgement should be ignored and the hadith has to be taken. This is also true with Imam Abu Haneefah, Rahimahullah.

    The hadith I am referring to is:

    Aishah narrated that the Messenger of Allâh ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: ``Any woman who marries without the permission of her guardian then her marriage is void,'' (he repeated it) three times... (Abu Dawood)

    You can ask your father to approve the Nikah and perform a Nikah. This does not make you part from the kids, you may take care of them even after marriage. This will ensure that you have company and you do not commit a sin. This will also secure your relationship, instead of keeping in touch without Nikaah, which may result in either of you losing interest. This is the best thing you can do.

    If your father denies the marriage for whatever reason ask him for clarification. If he does not have a valid reason, you can ask other Mahrams to act as your Wali, however, if none agree, then the Imam or the Qaadhi can act as your Wali. Make sure you have a Wali who agrees to the contract, in order to keep your Nikaah upon what is correct.

    May Allah Give you Barakah

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  2. the prophet saw taught us that there is no nikkah without a wali. The opinion in hanafi fiqh is a mistaken one and I'm surprised that any moulvi or learned person would say such a thing.

    You do not need to abandon your family simply because you got married. The two can be done together.

    but I advise you against and caution you against not following the Prophet. Stick to his advice because there is wisdom in it.

    And remember, an upright man who truly loves you would NEVER want the woman he marries to do something unhonorable for his sake: namely a secret marriage.

    Marriage is not always a bed of roses and if you go behind your family's back and do this invalid marriage, you may come to regret it later. People are not always the same before and after marriage and the role of wali is very very very important to safeguard the woman because the wali is often able to note things about the man or his family or other things due to expeirence and such that a younger girl may not.

    I'm 34 and married for 10 years and this is my second marriage and in my first marriage, my and my ex husband talked on the phone and thought we clicked. However, it did not work out. incompatible views. so the interaction before marriage is NOT a true guage of a person. You have to have a third party involved because the prophet told us that when a man and woman are alone, the third is the shaytan.

    With my current husband, we talked in front of my parents and discussed everything in front of my parents. The only time he spoke to me on the phone was AFTER taking permission from my dad and that was just to make sure I truly was agreeing to what I agreed to.

    So I advise you to either talk to a trusted elder in your family or speak to your father if he is understanding or your brother and ask him to indirectly convince your father but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES do a secret nikkah behind your family's back by which you will disobey your father and put yourself at risk.

    Remember, the wali is there to protect you, not to make you miserable.

      the prophet saw taught us that there is no nikkah without a wali. The opinion in hanafi fiqh is a mistaken one and I'm surprised that any moulvi or learned person would say such a thing.

      Ibn Mas'ood said: "The Messenger of Allaah drew a line for us and
      then said: 'This is the Straight Path of Allaah.' And he drew lines on
      the left and right of it, and then said: 'These are paths of which
      there is not one except that there is a devil upon it calling towards
      it.' Then he recited the statements of Allaah 5: 'And verily, this is
      My Straight Path, so follow it, and do not follow (other) paths for
      they will separate you away from His path.

    What is a Wali?
    Protector, Guardian, Supporter, Helper, Friend etc. [plural 'Auliyâ] see 33:17
    The wali is the represention/mediator/guardian for women seeking marriage.
    Who Needs a Wali for Marriage?

    Women who have previously had marital relations with a man, can represent themselves and do not have to have a wali for seeking the husband, but they WILL need a wali for the actual marriage contract, i.e. Regardless, she still must not be alone with a non-mahram man, and she MAY of course, and is encouraged to, have a wali be involved to whatever level she is comfortable with. All of this is for her protection, so that she may be protected from inquiries by inappropriate men and possibly "fall in love" and regret it later. This way, the men's character is first screened for her, still leaving her with the ultimate decision.
    Women who are virgins must have a wali when getting married.
    "No marriage is valid without a wali." [related by Ahmed and others and deemed sound by Ahmed, Ibn Hajar and others]
    The Prophet SAAWS said: "There is no marriage without the permission of a guardian." [Sunan of Abu Dawood 2080, Narrated Abu Musa]
    Get the wali's permission before considering a woman for marriage.

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