Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to get out of this forced marriage

AOA all…

I am a aussie-paki girl, I have lived in australia all my life, (you might be think aus= drugs, pubs, flirt, guys, dating) but its nothing like that, I respect everyone and esspecially my parents a lot, evrything I've done in my past life is to make them happy in no matter what way. But the problem with my life is they never understood me, they always take each others side and my dad its like I've never known him he just goes to work, comes home then work, he never takes any interest in our lifes. I've never had anyone in my life that cared about me loved me, every time I had a best frend, my parwnts would always make me change school or not let me go out with them. But I still listen to them no matter what they said, because as being a muslim it was my responsibility.

Last year I met a guy on the internet from pak, he is educated, respected caring and all a girl can wish for. When I met him I knew he was the person, he brought me closer to islam and caring for my parents more, in other word, he tought me how to live. That’s the only time I felt that I had something to live for. I knew that will always be there for me, no matter what the weather. I felt that Allah had made us for each other… we wanted to get married the right way without hurting any of our parents.

Last december my parents decide to take us overseas for the 2nd time in my life. When I was there my parents forced me to have nikha with 1 of my cousins, who I don’t even know. Hes not even educated let alone know english, how am I supose to communicate with him? We don’t have any undestanding between us. I just feel like the wedding contract in between the two familys. Before the nikha I begged my mum not to do this that I needed someone educated and someone who understands me and my lifestyle, but she said all educated and out of the family guys are a cheat.

She done istakharah for 2 weeks but nothing came good she kept on doing it until she saw something good but I still didn’t want it. She blackmailed me into have nikha with him…after the nikha I tried to be happy for what had happened but know im sick and tired of everything, I can't try to act happy anymore. Im changing day by day. I get angry at my parents really quickly, I don't talk much anymore, I feel like theres nothing to live for. I just want to die, I committed suicide but it didn’t work =( but the good thing is that I started going towards Allah even more..
I just don’t want to continue this marriage, now I just want to live my life with the people I want to live with.

Plzzzz anyone help me… this may not sound seriouse but if you were going through it, you would want to die

-wajiha


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46 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister

    Try to work on your marriage Try to love you husband & make it work now you married divorce or leaving him would be hard see how life goes for you for some time give it a year if he is a nice caring person you might fall in love with him but if you still unhappy then think the alternative ... regarding you parents I have been through it my self it hurts so much when our own parents doesn't understand us I felt like killing my self & i felt very much betrayed but listen sister over time i learned that why should we be the victim we should take it as a learning curve & make sure we won 't be the same sort of parent to our kids I always say to my self that what my mother has done to me I would never do that to my daughter I will be a better mother to my child so instead of being the victim take it as an experience & learn from it .. pray to Allah read books you will be just fine but accept it don't be the victim you are the masterpiece of your own mind you shoudl say to your self you are a strong person you learing from all this experience you will go through it will make you a better person in every way good luck

    • Why not just leave him, run away, and get into another relationship. This could never work out, so just get a divorce.

    • You can not advice some to make a forced marriage work. It's zulm. We don't always have control over our compatibility and likes. To stay in a relationship with a man you have no feelings for is pretending and will eventually lose the patience. It think she should leave ASAP before children come into the scenario and she gets further tied down.

  2. It is unfortunate that parents force their child to marry against their will even while knowing that such an act is vile and haraam and brings no good at all. Your parents had no right to do this to you and it makes me so sad to hear the same old story every day. When will parents learn to understand their children's needs and aspirations and find them a partner who would also be likeminded? In Pakistan culture rules everything with Islam coming in second so that often means that most parents will pick a cousin for their son/daughter to marry and in most cases against their will. Sister mina has given good advice but when you have done your best in trying to make it work with your husband and inlaws and it has done no good, you should seek divorce. You must be strong if your parents try to emotionally blackmail you into staying, and tell them that they should never have taken your right in the first place.(I don't know the exact surah in the Quran but it does say that parents have no right to take away their children's rights.)
    I hope this message finds you in good health

    Wasalaam

  3. Hi sister.I think what the sister said is true.Allah always chooses the best to everyone and what ever he does HE do it for good and do what ever he wishes.This guy you have married he might be stranger to u and not educated and not the guy whom you wished to be with but you dont know maybe he might become a good husband to you and a good father to your children in future.Many times a person will get married to the person whom he likes and at the end they will end with divorce and a person will get married to the person whom he dislikes and at the end they will end with happiness.so try to work on your marriage cause you have already married dont ever thick of killing or committing suicide because Allah is always there to help you.Dead is not always the solution for our problems try to have patients because (patient is the key to success)Pray to Allah to give you strength to keep your marriage and love your husband and live a happy life forever.and may Allah bless you.

    • sis i understand wat your trying to say but dont you think i tryed to make it work???? how can i spend the rest of my life with someone, whose touch even makes me feel like im being raped??? i cnt live wth this anymore. i would rather smile happly at death then to go back for the final wedding party....

      • Salam mu Alaikum sister

        I am very sorry if I misunderstand your situation.Sometimes you cant understand peoples problems unless you see how they are suffering.You have tried mashallah to work out with your marriage but it is sad to stick with someone whom you dislike I can really fell your pain.

        Prophet(s.a.w)ruled on this matter.Islam gives you the all right to choose your future husband.And whom you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with.As they are your parents they must always care about your happiness and not their own desires.As they are muslims they should understand this.Force marriages are Invalid in islam.The permission of daughter in marriage is very important in islam.

        You are the one who is going to spend your rest life with him and if there is no love in a marriage it can never be success.As a parents for you they most choose for you what is going to make you happy and not what is going to make you miserable.Speak to your near by mosque Imam or anyone from your relatives.So that they can explain it to your parents and save from your unwanted marriage.

        Inshallah Allah will help you and guide you.And save you from this force marriage.May Allah gives a husband whom you like and witch will make you happy forever ameen.I will do dua for Inshallah.May Allah help you out.

    • @saja I don't know if you are helping the husband or the victim here. She needs your help not to traumatise her the more. As far as she does not have feelings for the man and she is not happy. She should walk away n get a divorce, there are NGOs in place taking care of victims of forced marriage. It's high time for you to live your life which includes you being happy, making your life decisions and choices and also taking responsibility

  4. For the life of me, I will never...ever understand parents who will spend years raising their daughters only to marry them off in this manner. I cannot even begin to fathom how you are feeling right now and my heart truly goes out to you. There is nothing I can say here on this forum that will lighten the weight you feel on your chest or dry the tears from your cheeks. What your parents did is wrong on so many levels not to mention it is haram to force you into a marriage you quite clearly did not want.

    Can you tell us how long you have been married now? You say there are communication issues but how is your husband with you? Is he kind...caring? Does he seem to understand some of the things you are feeling? Has he made efforts to try and make you happy? Can you tell us how your husband treats you as a whole and if he is trying to do right by you?

    Sending a big hug to you via cyberspace...I am sure you could use one right about now.

    • thnx sis.. thts wat im trying to say i never opossed them to not to choose a parttner for me, but u know this depends on my entire life,, i expected them to choose someone who is educated, understand me well,... i dnt want my future children to suffer wat i sufferd with my parent, (the way they dnt have hve understanind between them. )
      it was in january 2011... n he knew i didnt want to get married to him, but still he didnt do anything, he jst sat back and watched everthing, n make a joke out of me... wich brings more hatret towards him. but sis i still tryed to get along with him, to try to make it work,.. but everytime he touchd, i feel lyk i was being raped... ='( it dsnt feel right all together.... all i know now is tht i dnt mind living single but i cnt keep this marrage, n my parents still dont understand...

  5. Wow, just wow. Leave him as fast as you can. I don't know where you're currently living, but if it's in Australia, then file for divorce/don't apply for his visa. Forced marriage is forbidden in Islam and you have every right to be pissed off with your parents are refuse to stay with this guy. Also, in case you didn't know, there isn't enough genetic variation between cousins for the babies to be truly healthy. There is a very high chance of birth defects and handicapped children. Don't have kids with him. Leave him.

    • No . . . This is no good advice. . . . . The first advice (given by Mina) is far better than this

    • brother, first cousin marraiges are only harmfull if you have an inherited disorder, then it is likely that your first cousin will also either have it, or be a carrier of that disorder, thus multiplying the chances of that baby having that disorder.

      but a healthy boy and his first cousin getting married, there's nothing harmfull in that.
      in fact it is good on many levels.

      because IF IT WAS harmfull, Allaah and his messenger[saww] would tell us that it is harmfull in this religion of ours and negate it, discourage it or even prohibit it.

      "Oh prophet, we have made lawfull for you THE DAUGHTERS OF YOUR PATERNAL UNCLES AND THE DAUGHTERS OF YOU MATERNAL UNCLES who have made hijrah with you ...........

      " suurah ahzaab

      • The problem is that you may not know you have an inherited disorder, as it may be recessive. But when you marry someone who also has it, it appears in the children.

        Why didn't Allah prohibit first cousin marriage? Allah knows best. Many things are not damaging in moderation, but become damaging in excess. So an occasional first cousin marriage here and there is not a problem, but when it becomes a cultural norm, people are asking for trouble.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • true say, in the southeast asian culture [ind,pak,beng], whether musllims,hindus,sikhs etc, it has become almost an obligation to marry first cousin, thats why in the west [ukey], the pakistani community are the ones who suffer mostfrom inherited rare disorders.
          o much so,they did a documentry on it, which was very very very sad to see the state of those poor pakistani kids.
          Qaddarullaah

          • Actually that is South Asia. Southeast Asia would be Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, Philippines.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • ASA!!
      I agree with you! DIVORCE HIM ASAP!! You DONT need to be with someone you DONT love!! You CANT "learn" to love someone.. it's either there or NOT!! I don't understand why parents do this!! And at the same time why would you have gotten married sister? I speak on my situation, my parents would have to tie me down and drag me to sign the papers, and not even like that would i give my life away to a stranger.

      Sorry to hear you are in so much pain...
      AMIRA

      • hmmm... true.... n its harder wen u dnt hve understanding... i knw but sis but im tht type im used 2 forgetin my happyness n makin othas happy,.. used to doing wat they say... everytime thy do sumthin of thy own choice i got over so quicky but for this matter i dnt knw i want to fight for it.....

  6. Sister

    I'm sorry for your pain and suffering. I am shocked by the advice people have given you about 'try working on your marriage. Try to love your husband...'
    How on EARTH can anyone make themself love someone?
    Sister your marriage is invalid- simple. You were forced and as such this invalidates your marriage from the word go. I don't re-call the Prophet (saw) telling any woman forced into a marrige to 'try and make it work. try and love your husband...'
    Your husband may be a saint, but you not wishing to be his wife is not a reflection of his character, this is about you not him. You do not wish to be with him- you do NOT need to.

    Go to your local mosque and speak to the Imam. Tell him that you were forced and with him by your side inform your parents that you wish to annul the marriage. Be kind and gentle with them but be honest. Your bitterness will fester and destroy your family the longer you leave this.
    Most importantly, pray to Allah to help you through this hardship.

    I pray that Allah makes it easy for you sister.

    • hmm true... afta i came back form pak i researchd it a lot wich made me stronger.... but thing is they say they did istakha n like the whole 2 wks it was bad n at d end it was gud... im CONFUSED!!/./.... but i still belive hes not the right one for me..... PLZZZZ sis jst pray for me....

      • Dont force yourself to be with your husband just because your mum did istikhara and it was POSITIVE. It is your right to be with who ever you love. Dont let any one take this right away from you. If you liked him but was not sure about going ahead with nikah, OK you could have done istikhara.

        But to tottally trust istikhara done by your mum is wrong. If she choose a person to whom you are not interested with, how could she translate istikhara right. Istikhara can be positive from feeling positive about a particular matter. Now your mum was already interested with this cousin, dont you think she could have been biased and interpret her own feeling. just a question ?

        DONT STAY IN THIS MARRIEGE IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.

  7. Dear Wajiha, Walaykumsalaam,

    The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam:

    "Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (sws). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

    He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

    At first, the Prophet (sws) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage."

    Sister, there is no place for forced marriages in Islam and for anyone to force someone like this is inhumane. If what you are saying is as it is, that you were forced into marrying someone you clearly objected to, then you would have the right to opt out, as described in the scenario above. Your parents have wronged you greatly through their actions. If you feel you cannot be happy with this person after trying, then sister please consult with a 'properly qualified Imam' and I am more than sure that he will help you and guide you through what you should do to leave this marriage. An Imam will take all your information into consideration and he will most likely speak to your parents too. This is a sensitive situation so if you have a learned person there to present all your information to and to back you infront of your parents this will be better for you inshaAllah.

    I am sure this is difficult for you and that you fear the reaction of your parents, but inshaAllah they will recognise their mistakes and warm towards you. Whatever the situation will result in, it is not right that you should be forced to live unhappily. Dear sister, see if you can be happy with your husband, speak to him, open up to him, maybe that will bring you closer. If it does not improve things, then make dua and consult with the Imam. That will be better for you. And I personally feel you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. We all have a right to happiness. You are your own person.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. I'm very shocked at the women who are pushing for the poor depressed sister to work on her marriage. Why stay in a miserable marriage? Divorce is allowed and halal. We aren't like the Orthodox Christians that are binded to their spouse for life. Divorce was practiced by the early sahabis and they weren't looked down upon.

    Girl, follow hafsa's advice and SisterZ ...find who you want to spend your life with not who your parents picked...

    Allah help us all...

    • hmm thnx... after a lot of research i knw its the right thing to do but im scared/confused/ lost and i still want to respect my parents, i never want to see them heart... i wish they could just understand,

      • Sister I feel exactly the same I don't want to do them wrong but I do want to put an end to this like I don't want my husband but I don't want to lose my family either

      • I am in the same situation right now... :'(
        I dont know where to get help from... my parents are not supporting me... my sibblings are not supporting me... i feel like i am an orphan :'(
        Can someone help me get out of this situtation before i get into a much more messed up situation.
        I even did istikhara before my nikkah and it was total negative 🙁 i told my parents.. and they wer like that dosnt matter.

        I am born and broughtup in dubai.
        And the guy is from pakistan(lahore).

  9. Assalam u alaikum,
    I may not be able to respond with proper Islamic guidelines. But as a muslim and a human being i know what you would be feeling right now. My heart goes to you. There is no room is Islam for forcefull marriages. You should immediately seek help from Allah(s.w.t) by doing Istikharah and being near to Islam and also tell your parents and if you don't want to live with him be open about it as soon as possible.
    InshaAllah if Allah(s.w.t) wishes your parents will understand . And your decision will be accepted and respected. May be they will be angry a bit but they will understand as nobody can love you more than you parents.
    May Allah(s.w.t) bring light and happiness to your life. Ameen
    Masalaam

  10. Sadgirl,

    Should you not open your mouth and speak up, you will not be sad...you will be miserable. What is this "I didn't have any choice"! Yes my dear, you do have a choice and the choice is yours. So he's a great looking guy...so what? Good looks do not a marriage make! There is a whole lot more to be gained from a marriage than a good looking husband! I cannot say it loud enough...chemistry, chemistry, chemistry. If you do not have this very basic ingredient, this scenario is going to blow up in your face!

    You say, "it's too late" to which I say to you, "it's never too late"! You have every right to want more out of life and a college education. You also can have a family too, when the time is right for both you and a husband (God willing).

    Listen to me my love and listen to me well. Go to your father and sit down with him. Open the mouth that the almighty has blessed you with. Inform your father of your feelings that you have...your desire to not marry this man, your desire to continue your education and of your concern for the age difference between you and this man. You do not need to be silent my child. This is YOUR life and yours alone. Your parents cannot force you to marry this man and to do so is haram. If you didn't know that, you do now.

    You say you don't want to disappoint your parents so, what your saying is your willing to shut up and live a lie because you don't want to upset the family? Are you kidding? Who cares who is upset...this is YOUR life, no one else's. Who cares what anyone thinks? Do you really think any of them are going to care when you marry and your life is miserable and you end up not fulfilling your dreams of a higher education?

    Do not delay another day, take your father and sit down together. Open up your heart and tell him what you are feeling. No father is that desperate to marry off his daughter and to send her to a man she simply does not want to spend her life with. You need to know full and well that there is nothing wrong with doing so, no matter how much money your parents may have spent on your engagement. Money comes and goes but your life comes around but once in a lifetime. I implore you to seek out your father and say what needs to be said...now. For all you know, he probably thinks your okay with this since you accepted. Let him know...you are not.

    May Allah bring this man whom you do not wish to spend your life with a good woman who will cherish him and love him and give him all the children he desires. May you finish your high school education and seek the higher education you not only want but have every right to seek. May Allah provide you a good husband when you are ready who will set your heart aflutter and someone whom you wish to spend your life with.

    The choice is yours. Be silent and have regrets later or open your mouth and be heard!

    Salam

    • ASA!!
      Sadgirl!!

      Very well said!! Your words have touched ME!!

      Sister you must listen to your heart... this is not what you want you must speak now or regret it forever!!

      AMIRA

    • sister what is chemsirty.

      i thought it was a subject, does it have other meanings?

      • Brother,

        Here is just an excerpt from a website I found. It will do a much better job than I when it comes to explaining chemistry in a relationship.

        How do you define chemistry? It is a strong attraction that includes love, lust, infatuation, and a desire to be involved intimately with someone. Chemistry is emotional desire for relationship. It is outside of the realm of reason. With it, you may be attracted to someone who you know, intellectually, is not good for you. Without it, you may be with someone you respect but are not attracted to. At best, you can have both chemistry and love; at worst, you may have chemistry and misery or no chemistry and misery. Regardless your definition, chemistry is unconscious; we don’t “choose” who we’re attracted to.

        Salam

  11. and when we got engaged he just jumped on me and kissed me and touched me!!

    sister, wallaahi i feel it for you, it is a horrible situation to be in.

  12. sad,
    i know xactaly wat your going through its the same situation with me, but u know i hate myself for doing this; but somethimes i still hardly face the reality, i live in a fantsy world, where i still have hope the IA allah wiil make a way for me one day. i dnt know why but i feel as though there is still hope, maybe im going crazy or wat but i dnt know.... but i tthink you should still keeep hope npray to allah, for a way out of this, n trust me you wouldnt want this to go for the rest of your life, its better to do ssomething know rather thn latter..... and i understand exactly how people think that were not muslim engough because we grew up in a western country n thy thnk we dnt keep our parents houner.... =(

  13. hey sis thnx alot 4 ur understanding and advice... I hope allah makes a way through... N thnx 4 ur rembering me in your prayer, i really need tht at the moment... =)

  14. Its very sad what u went thru, but tbh m going thru the same situation my parents want me to get married to my dads bro son and i have no feelings for him no matter how hard i try i just cant see him as my husband and i know i can never will.. but i dunno how to explain this to my father as mine and his relation is not that close that i can go up to him and b straight up that hey dad i cant marry him. My dad asked me if i wanna marry him or no and i give this to him that he atleast asked me and i told that i cant as ive never imagined him as my husband and i cant live wid the guy like that. But infact my dad told everyone i agreed which is not true at all and i jus stood there watching the drama going on around me imagining the life that im going to have after ima marry him i told my mom several times that i cannot marry him theres no feelings nothing and all she says is feeling come after marriage where as what i believe that in this century what we r living in after marriage feelings dont but compromise comes. I dont wanna compromise my life on nothing. The funny thing is my parents had love marriage themselves and i dunno why they want me to marry this guy whom ive not seen in last 7 years. I've tried everything that i can but they dont seem to listen its not like that i wanna marry someone that i like infact there is no issue such that but my parents dont get the point i dunno what to do? could someone please tell me as they r planning on taking me back home to pakistan in december and get married to the guy i hardly know ima bio student and that guy is nothing all he got his money and thats it. and money dont make love or anything m trying my best to stop em b4 december but i dunno how 🙁

  15. Aslamkekum brothers and sisters i am very upset and in a horrible situation...

    (Zairah, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  16. Hello...
    I need some advice in something that was my own fault... (Question deleted by Editor. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.)

  17. Dear Wajiha
    don't waste your time.
    just divorce is your final and best way.
    but before that ask your parents to understand why?

  18. I understand how you feel. Im going through this at the moment myself. Its been almost 3 years since the nikkah & i told my parents i dont want to go through with this but all they care about is their reputation. So far we haven't gone back & they keep calling to come for the wedding but one way or another we avoid it & say its all Kismat. Im going to talk to my father once again In Sha Allah everything works out for both of us. I feel like my opinion doesn't matter to them but my mom sort of understands now. She is technically on my side saying she doesn't want my life to get ruined. I just have to convince my father but he is so against it. All i do is pray to free myself from this false nikkah. I dont see myself being happy with him in anyway. I've never spoken to him in person but on the phone i have & i know what you mean by you feel like your gonna get raped. Thats exactly how i feel when i used to speak to him but i stopped over a year ago. I cry myself to sleep everynight saying there is always a rainbow after a storm. Sabr is key sister & all we can do at the moment is pray to Allah swt to accept our prayers & somehow get us out of this false relationship. Goodluck with it & dont worry as long as you pray for it & really want it, Allah will surely help us In Sha Allah.

    • Sister I feel your pain I am going through the same its been 7 months and I can not bare 5 minutes next to this man I felt raped so now I don't let him come near me or even touch me, I just want to find a way out to its soo hard, Insha Allah one day our parents will understand you're lucky in the sense that you have your mum on your side I have no one apart from my sisters husband as he is much more religious and understanding but what can he do apart from talk which my parents aren't going to listen to, Allah SWT is the greatest he has something better for us if not in this dunya then in Akihra Insha Allah

  19. i am loving one person truely he too loving me..i told my parents about my love one yr back but due to different caste they refusing for our marriage..my dad blackmail me that he will die or he will kill that boy . i dont know wat to do now.

  20. Sister you have through so much but allah is with us I think my life is going to be like this I am going to marry someone who love someone else and he is happy with her and... he is my cousin

    • Eman, why would you do that? It's up to you. Make a choice. No one can force you to marry someone you do not want.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • What Wael said Eman. Don't just do it because all the cool kids are doing it. Marry someone you actually want to be with not someone that you're being forced to be with or someone that is forced to being with you.

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