Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I fear for my sister but feel like there is nothing I can do for her as she doesn’t listen to anyone.

unwanted houseguest, lazy man, too much tv

salaam all

I am in a very frustrating situation I have a sister who is married she's been with him for 15 years he is a first cousin and it was an arranged marriage and from back home (Pakistan).  this marriage has always been a one way thing with my sister always giving him chances that he agrees to then does not follow through.  he is out till the early hours of the morning and I mean he never takes her out anywhere, he is abusive towards her and violent not just behind closed doors but in front of other including our late father, he has been he lost he first job due to sexually harassing a female colleague which police were called on he never lets her go and do things she has to beg him to get food even, he won't even let her go and study Arabic to understand the Quran ooh they do not have kids yet.

he blames her for it but when it comes to testing he does not fully comply and he smokes and drugs are included in that, she refuses to get herself tested which scares me so much because I know that he is having sexual relations with other women be it on a paid basis or what ever he always take out the money they have come in and uses it to eat out lavishly. HE REFUSES TO WORK AND ANYTHING SHE WANT IS FAZUL but not with my sister and she is left to rip her hair out in frustration on how she is going to pay the bills let alone get something to cook in the house. they live in a flat and she is stuck in there day in day out even on eid days on her own.

he even recently for no reason except control would not let her attend her brother's sons funeral but went himself.  he keeps trying to convince her to sell her jewellery gold.  I keep telling her not to do this as he will eat it all and then tell her to take a hike I have tried to tell her (oh by the way my sister is from the UK  to get Islamic advise on this issue. she said that he would refuse to go I told her to do istahara and go herself or call get information and maybe she would see the best thing would be is to part there ways. I did ask another imam on this with a bit more detail and his advise was the same but this still does not get me out of my frustration I really fear for her and fell like there is nothing I can do for her.

anyone that has any advise please it would be much appreciated I can't go into too much detail as I don't want anyone been able to find who I am talking about.

Allah Hafiz,

sister fozia


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7 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    It truly is unfortunate when situations like this happen. I think one of the hardest thing for us to do is watch someone we care about destroy themselves, or let their lives become destroyed by the actions of others.

    It sounds like you are already doing all you can and all that can be reasonably expected to help your sister understand things more objectively. Besides making dua for her, you really cannot do more than that. People make choices for themselves, and sometimes they make the wrong choices. You can't make someone want for themselves what you want for them, and you can't make them see sense when they are blinded. We have to leave such people in the hands of Allah.

    If there are children in the home, you have the option of reporting them to child protective services if there is abuse or neglect in the home. This may provide enough disruption in her life for her to re-assess her choices, but it's still no guarantee. Sometimes people in your position make the choice to cease contact with someone like your sister, because they cannot bear to see this kind of situation go on while they are helpless to make it better. In some cases, being cut off from family is enough of a motivation or eye-opener for people to start to change their lives. Only you can decide if that's a good option in your case with your sister.

    In the end, I would advise you to remind yourself that although it's very unfortunate and painful, your sister's life is her own. You should not bear the agony of something which you aren't directly involved with. You need to make sure that her situation is not causing the stress and trauma that would happen if you were married to her husband, and if you feel it's causing you that much difficulty then you need to pull yourself out of things and become less involved. It doesn't mean you don't care for her, it just means you recognize that this is a situation that is out of your control and having angst about it isn't going to change anything and is only serving to make your life more disruptive.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Salaam,

    Get older family members involved.Let them talk to him.Hope he changes his ways.If not let ur sis stay at parental home till he changes.If nothing helps divorce

  3. Sister Fozia

    Your sister must find her path with Allah's guidance. You can provide emotional support, by as Sister Amy mentioned, do not let it consume you.

    Apparently this has gone on for years. Your sister is unwilling or unable to see how this is bad for her, or maybe there is some aspect of this relationship that she thinks is beneficial. Do not let this drain you of your strength or get you off your own path.

    AmericanMuslim Editor

  4. Dear Sister,

    Until your sister acts, nothing will ever change. If she will not remove herself from this horrible situation (which she has all the power in the world to do), then she will continue to endure the life she is.

    I know of a sister right now whose husband is sleeping with the neighbor and everyone knows about it including the sister herself. Her husband is the lowest form of a human being there is. He lives to spend his wife's money and does not have a job. He beats this sister and his children are fearful of him. He has even stopped her from going to school to finish her degree. She has money of her own and has the ability to stop this today and leave but, she does not. She continues to complain and cry every day and when he beats her, she still won't call 911 (she lives in the U.S.). do you help someone who won't help themselves?!

    Pray for your sister Fozia that she will acquire the strength to leave this farce of a marriage. It may be that Allah knows what she does not and that is why together they have not been blessed with a child. I cannot even imagine bringing a child into such a marriage. May Allah almighty give her the strength that she does not possess to stand for take no more of the abuse at the hands of the man who is supposed to love and cherish her. She can do it, she just needs to put her faith in Allah and he will take care of the rest.


    • i totally agree with you an amy, but one thing i can ensure you if my sister was ever in this situation i would get her out asap and make sure she never returns to such a vile man. I am sorry he has no right to your sisters money how low can a human get its appalling behaviour!!!

  5. she needs to get divorced from him, and the reason isnt just one.

    she can come back to the UK away from him, inform family, and in shaa Allaah she will be alright.

    she needs to leave this relationship. islamically this is allowed, based on what u said about the situations, and Allaah knows best.

    hope everything gets sorted for ur sis soon.

  6. salaam

    and thank you all for taking the time to read and respond, i have tried very hard to make her see sense getting elders involved has not worked as this man has no respect, i know her only options are a) to keep going round in circles 2) get out and part from him i on the other hand need to become a bit more stronger and not let it over take me and pray for her

    jazakala khair

    Allah Hafiz

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