Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His parents aren’t letting us live separately

Angry in-laws


I met a Muslim man on a matrimonial website. We spoke and our interests sparked. He informed his parents about me, and they agreed to send a proposal to my parents. My parents invited them over to our place and everyone unanimously agreed that the guy and I would be a good match as our views about life, our lifestyle, etc are all the same. He is a great guy, who I know feels for me a lot and really want this proposal to work out (and vice versa). My parents and his parents have been in contact for a few months now.

However, from the get go, my parents weren’t too sure about his parents (that is, if I would be able to adjust with them as they are very traditional people). From the first time his parents ever came to meet me, there was something very unusual about his mother. She is a very reserved woman, she only speaks when spoken to and can be rather rude at times with her silence (as she sometimes ignores us if we speak to her). At first we thought that this is just a part of her personality and we shouldn’t take it personally, but through these several months I have observed that she is actually jealous of the fact her son loves me. I know she doesn’t like it when he cares for me or tries to express his love to me (e.g., we went to their house once and I was helping her with serving the dishes, etc and her son got up to help me out. I could sense that she didn’t like that he was helping me out and was feeling jealous). I’ve tried to make her comfortable numerous times and so has my family but she just seems like those people who are so possessive about their sons that they can’t stand another person in their lives.

Her son and I have mutually decided we want to live separately and his parents greatly dislike this idea. They keep stressing that they want to live with us no matter what. We went to their house a few days a go to discuss this as we wanted to give them our consent to finalize this proposal but they kept saying we want to live with our son. We can’t leave him. His father went as far as saying “Out of our jealousy we can’t leave our son”.

On the other hand, their son kept saying that I want to live separately but I will keep you guys near by and make sure your needs are met, but they just don’t want to let him go. I asked his parents if we could live separately for at least the first 2-3 years of our marriage because every couple needs to develop their relationship and needs their privacy. They refused. His mother made all sorts of crazy excuses saying I can’t stay without him for even 1 day. He said to his parents that he’ll live 5-10 mins away from them and his mother said “What if there is a rainstorm and we can’t see you?”. I was shocked at the things his parents were saying. It’s like they expect to see him everyday for the rest of his life, even when he’s married, has children, etc. It just doesn’t seem normal.

I am so upset since that day. I can’t stop crying. I love this man and he loves me. We click so well. Our vision about life, about Islam, about bringing up our future children, etc, all match. He respects me so much and I know he can keep me happy. But his parents can’t stand any girl in his life. They will never accept his wife and he’s finally starting to realize that. Our istikhara even came out well.

He finally got really angry and told his parents that he loves me and no matter what he will marry me, even if he has to get a court marriage done, and he will live separately. But I know that his parents will not give up. They want to live with him no matter what and even if we did get married, they will still remain persistent in their pursuit to move in with us. I am also fearful that he may not be able to take a stand for us as he couldn’t convince his parents for 3 years that he wants to live separately (this was before he met me) so how can he now?

I thought for some time that I’ll make the compromise and live with them but his mother is so rude, and in a very sly way. She won’t say anything to my face, but behind my back she told her son why did you tell her you want to live separately, now she will make more demands. She’s already trying to brain wash him and I’m terrified that if I live with her she will feed him with negativity about me, and eventually he’ll drift away from me. I’ve seen too many marriages fail this way and I won’t be able to bear it if this happens to me.

I always wanted to get married and get along with my in laws. I never really got love from my family and I hoped with all my heart that my future wouldn’t be like this. I wanted a loving husband and loving in laws. I have so much love to give, but it seems like no one wants to love me…its like love is just not written in my fate…

I’m devastated. Why are parents now a days making it so difficult for their children to get married? It is my Islamic right to ask for separate accommodation so why are they taking this right away from me? We (Him and I) both want to live separately, so why don’t his parents understand? They are abnormally attached to him and sometimes it gets to him too. He sees that his parent’s attachment towards him is not normal; it’s paranoid.

I understand every parent loves their child and I have no problem with that. In fact, I wanted to have a loving and respectful relationship with my in laws but his mother never accepted me from day 1. I made efforts, I tried to speak with her kindly but she just won’t accept me. I feel that his parents love him to an extent that they will not approve of any girl in his life and whoever he marries, his mother will always be jealous of her because her son is sharing his love with her.

I don’t know what to do. Please someone advise me. I hate the culture I am born in. It’s like a wife is just a servant, a sex toy for her husband but parents are God (Auzubillah), as if everything they say is written in stone and even if it goes against Islam it must be followed. I can’t take this anymore. I’m so shattered. I can’t eat, drink, sleep. I want to make this proposal halal by marrying this man. He was the one I always made duaa for so why are his parents doing this to us? Why can’t they see that we love each other and that their actions are not only killing me, but him also?


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24 Responses »

  1. I guess the problem is the dysfunctional marriage between the parents of the older generation. I read a blog post where the author mentioned in one of her posts:

    “I mean come on, why do you think Aunties want their married kids to keep living with them? They’ve grown so distant from their husbands, they don’t know what to do when it’s just them and Uncle in the house again!”

  2. Sister,

    My best friend was married about 12 years ago. Her mother in law has all but destroyed her marriage. She has no respect for her daughter in law and treats her like garbage. She demeans everything she does no matter what it is. She disrespects the wife's family even though they have been nothing but kind to her.The worst part is, this woman has so much control over her son that not even he will stand up to his mother. He allows his mother to walk all over his wife, say horrible things about her. Even after all these years, he will never stand up to his mother...even when he knows she is in the wrong.

    The result of her disrespect and abuse over the years has led to a marriage full of dislike and discontent. The wife cannot even stand her husband let alone be around him for any length of time. He is verbally and physically abusive to his wife in addition to his children.

    The only hope you have going into a marriage with this man is if he has what it takes to stand up to his parents and their demands. It is one thing to love ones child and want to have them close, it is totally another to be abnormally attached to them and not in any way healthy for anyone involved..especially you.

    May Allah guide you to whatever is best for you and your future.


  3. It must be so frustrating to have such in-laws! My suggestion would be for you and your fiancé to agree to officially break everything off and have him tell his parents that they chased you away, because of their irrational behaviour and demands. Have him tell them that no women is ever going to accept their demands and, even though it's a bit mean, make them feel bad about being a hindrance for their son! Because that's what they are! Perhaps this will make them see some sense so you two can make your relationship halal.

  4. salam,

    I know you love this guy a lot, but from personal experience.. do not allow this to happen to you. I'm not saying ditch this guy and move on, but you need to think about the relationship you will be starting with your future husband. You are absolutely right, you should be enjoying the first few years of your marriage, getting to know your husband and feeling comfortable with each other, all in a private environment. If you believe this can only be achieved by living separate, than you have that right. Judging from your story, this will not work when the mother in law is like that. She doesn't seem that bad, but believe me, it will get worse. Personal experience.
    Tell this guy you are not ready to marry until he man up and get a separate place. Of course you want it to be halal, so be peaceful and do not demand more than what you are allowed islamically.

  5. Thank you everyone for your responses,

    It’s been about a month since I wrote this post and it has been posted today. A lot has happened since then. A few days after going to his home and speaking to his parents about living separately and them disagreeing, he called his parents to my place and told them that they have no choice but to accept that we are going to live separately. He gave them an ultimatum and told me that no matter what will happen, we will live separately because he knows I can never be happy living with his mother.

    I could sense his parents were upset but at that point I was filled with so much anger because when I went to their house I was on the verge of tears, and they saw me in so much pain but didn’t care about me. I felt bad that they were upset but to be honest, I didn’t care.

    My birthday recently passed and I was hoping they’d call to at least wish me, but they didn’t. My future husband dropped by to my home to wish me and saw that I was very upset and about to cry. He got furious and called his mom and was screaming. I couldn’t take it so I began weeping. I felt so bad that he screamed at her, like it’s all because of me he’s getting angry with her. I don’t know what to do. I try not to let her rudeness get to me but it affects me. I just can’t ignore her from my life because she is my future husband’s mother.

    I keep contemplating if I should end this proposal and just move forward with my life. All I expect from my future husband is for us to live separately and if his parents treat me unjustly, to acknowledge it and let me know that he realizes they did something wrong. I don’t expect him to go fight with them or be rude to them, but it’s like if they are ignoring me, he chooses to kind of put a blind eye to the issue unless I bring it up, and then he agrees with me that I’m right. He never really notices it himself and that hurts because I at least expect him to realize they are hurting me.

    His father is a nice man, even though he wants to live with his son and was also quite adamant, he has the etiquettes to call, ask about me, etc. But his mother isn’t like that at all. She never says anything straight up, but does everything through her silence. I’m at a point where I don’t even want to speak with her because I know how vindictive she is.

    Other than this issue, he’s a great person otherwise, he’s been nothing but good to me and I just find it so hard to end this proposal knowing that it’s because of his parents that things ended, not because of us. He keeps assuring me that we will live separately no matter what and that he will always be there for me and I know he means it when he says it, but all I want from is to realize when his mom is being rude to me. I guess men think differently? I don’t know what to do…if I should get married to him or just end it.

    • Sister,

      If you were my very own daughter, I would advise you to end things at this point. This man might be the most perfect man in every way but if his own family cannot welcome you into their lives as if you were one of their own, this disturbs me. In no way would I ever in a million years accept any one of my daughters to marry into a family such as this. I think it's a recipe for disaster and as a parent and your mother, I just could not stand back and watch this happen. No matter what you decide, trust in your gut's usually right.


      • I mostly agree with Najah. You want this dream of a perfect family with a husband who loves you and in-laws who welcome you. That's not going to happen with this family.

        It may be that you are hoping for too much. Problems with in-laws are common. You're marrying the man, not his mother. If you're willing to lower your expectations of a harmonious relationship with the in-laws, then you might be able to be happy with your husband.

        If, however, you are insistent upon a harmonious relationship with husband and in-laws, then this is not the right family for you.

        Wael Edtor

    • Sister,

      I agree with Najah. You not only marry the man, you marry the family. You see them on holidays, weekends, special events, etc etc etc- thats if you live seperatley- i cant imagine if you live together.

      They will be a part of your life if you get married to this man. I dont suggest you go through it sister, because if it causes you that much greif now, i cant imagine the future fights you will have with your in-laws. They are soooo overly protective of him, their presence will creep into everything you do.

      Its your choice sister, you will always love him I am sure, but you are finding a life long partner who is going to make your life easier not more difficult.

      I'll tell you a similar story, my friend went through the same thing, He was the ONLY son in the family and he HAD to live with them, and of course my friend said no. But after much pleading and him arguing with his parents- my friend said I love you but i cant live with this kind of stress and be the cause of fighting between you and your parents. I know she still loves him, but i know Allah has a plan for all of us and if he is not the one then someone else will come along inshallah.

      Pray istikhara sister, and always make dua and remember that sometimes life is difficult for a reason so that you can stay away from that thing if you know what i mean.

  6. Dear Devastated,

    I went through exactly the same rather the worse situation. I married a man who claimed to love me, would support and protect me in every matter of life but the reality was very harsh and bitter. We knew about the meanness of his family before marriage, how they were demanding dowry, and how thy were not ready to give out anything. They were poor but to us that was no bad thing. But poverty was not all, they were extremely mean and shallow people. Before marriage they all made tall claims that he was their youngest brother/son and they had never put any responsibility of the family on him so we will just live our own life separately in city and will visit them as guests and just have fun and enjoyment.

    I didn't have to live there more than a month but they asked for dowry because the people in the village wanted to see what their daughter-in-law from a big city had brought with her. We complied with their demand but still their greed was not satisfied. They didn't let me go to my parents until the 6th day of marriage and on 5th day, a day before my going to my parents house, his sister who was virtually my mother-in-law, started asking me very openly and directly to build a house with my savings in their village and also take my car when I go back to my in-laws after spending a few days at my parents. My husband didn't even know how to drive a car but they said they would keep a driver but I must take my car there for them. Even he supported his sister openly and went to the extent of threatening me for handing over my car to him.

    As if, this was nt enough to prove their meanness and lies, they made their brother (my husband) ask me to give him a handsome share from my salary every month for his family. And believe you me he was the same man who made all wonderful promises and claims before me and my family before marriage as to how he will stand by me in every trial and how he will protect me from any wrong doings by his family. He even took an oath on Quran to assure us of his sincerity towards me and went on to saying that his commitment was with Allah and he feared HIM that Allah would ask him where had he been when his family was treating me badly!!! But these were his words only, his actions told me all the truth!

    Like you, I always believed him to be a great man and an ideal husband. But when the actual time of test came he was standing with his own blood relations and I was all alone. And exactly like your case he would never notice or realise what his family had been doing with me and how they had been hurting me n my parents neither before nor after marriage. After much debate on my part, he would agree that his family were doing wrong to me. But never himself did he realise anything or did anything to put a stop to their ugly behaviour. Upon my refusal to fulfill their unjust demands, they ordered him to send me back to my parents the very same day when I had gone back to their house from my parents'. And he obeyed them unconditionally.

    I would advise you from my personal experience, Please don't throw yourself in a blind well knowingly. I used to think just like you that how would I be able to live without this man but now he is the one I hate the most in this world. Men always prefer their blood relations over their wives. In your case he seems to be the only son of his parents as you didn't mention any of his siblings. Sooner or later he would start feeling that you made him go far from his parents. After all blood relations are far more powerful than marital ones specially for men. I don't want the same to happen to you what I underwent.

    Wish you all the happiness you rightly deserve.

    • Sorry to hear about your experience, but don't generalize. Plenty of men are loyal to their wives, and put their wives first.

      Wael Editor

      • Ya I agree I went too far in generalizing. My own father never agreed with his father to marry a send time just because of not having a son from my mother. My father was the only child of his parents but he didn't let his father punish my mother and we sisters for no fault of our own. He gave us the best education and independence within the lawful limits of Islam. The result is that we are all educated, and independent girls who can fight any injustice meted out to them by the cruel society.

  7. Salam everyone,

    Thank you so much for your responses. I’ve read each and every response you all wrote.

    Yes, he is the only son and that’s where things get difficult. I know realistically we cannot live separately forever and I’ve had this discussion with him over and over again. I honestly did not mind the concept of a joint family system but you cannot live in one house with people who ignore you, are rude to you, etc and he sees that.

    The problem is that as an only child and obviously because it’s his parents he never expected his mother to turn out to be this way. I had this discussion with him and told him how I felt, how he unconsciously would justify (e.g. his mother is rather quite so in this past year she’s been quite alright but also rude as well. When I told him that I felt she didn’t like me, he would justify it and say don’t worry I think she does, she’s just very quite. She’s like that at home as well. But when things escalated a bit and I showed him what was going on he was quick to admit the fault of his parents but I knew he was hurting as well because for him it was a surprise that his mother is actually trying to ruin his marriage) his mother’s behaviours and he was open to listening and agreeing with me. For me the realization and the willingness to accept the wrong his family is doing makes me think that he’s worth getting married to because if his family tries to be unjust with me in the future he will not ignore it. I might have to show it to him because his mom is very subtle in her rudeness but I know he’d be quick to tell her to stop it. He told me that I have nothing to loose, she does, because if she keeps treating me this way, then she’d be losing him emotionally as well and at the end she’ll be suffering the loss, not us.

    He keeps telling me that me he probably can’t change his parents but he can ensure me that he will keep me separately no matter what and he’s not in favour of ruining his marriage or what would be the point of getting married in the first place. I’ve known him since Oct 2011 and it’s been a year now. In this time span I’ve realized that he’s the type of guy who will always strive to make his marriage successful. He’s not conniving. Yes, he loves his parents but he’s not the type of person who’d ruin his marriage because of them. He has stood up for me enough, told his parents he’s going to live separately no matter what even though he saw how hurt they were. He’s already starting to stand up for me. He went as far as saying to his mom that if you and dad have a problem then I’m still going to marry her regardless, I’ll just go to court and do it (and obviously I told him I would never do that) and she got scared and told him that they’re supporting him, just don’t get married that way, etc. So clearly he has the ability to stand up for me and he’s not a wimp.

    What he tells me is that once he finishes his Ph.D (our families are planning to finalize things in a month or two and do a nikah soon but not rukhsathi till 2 years because of his education) he will just get a home and move out. The issue is no longer about living separately as much as it is about his mother’s silence and ignorance towards me. My siblings keep telling me to just ignore her because as long as I have a loving husband that’s all that matters and a marriage will never be perfect.

    I know you all are right in your own ways telling me to leave him but I just find it so hard. Believe me I know deep down the wise thing to do would be to not risk it and just move on but I become so weak when I try to. The reason is that I know it’s very hard to find a man like him. He’s extremely tolerable and patient mashAllah. I know that because I’ve pushed his buttons at times and if it were another guy he would have probably told me off but this man has been very tolerable with me. Even my parents see it and tell me that you need stop pushing his buttons so much, don’t take advantage of his patience and love for you.

    I guess at this point I know that leaving him is not really possible for me because I’m to weak but I guess I’m wanting to know how I should cope with his mother.

    I’m sorry everyone for being such a failure and not being able to do as you all have suggested. I’m just too weak to do that at this point ….

    • All my sincere prayers for you dear sis. I can understand precisely what you are feeling and going through at this moment. I did exactly the same as you intend to do now; just trusting one person and ignoring all ugly things and behaviours. I pray to Allah that your belief in that guy keeps intact and he never shatters it. May he prove to a total opposite to my husband who claimed so high to love and care for me so much so that he termed it as his commitment with Allah to take very good care of his wife But all his promises and claims were dashed to the ground in just 12 days!!! May it never happens with you. Amen!

  8. Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

    You should not apologize or feel bad about deciding to continue with marrying this person - this is your choice and you have mentioned that you did istikhara also. Be happy with your decision - May Allah (swt) bless your marriage and not let you be a fitna for your husband, and not let your husband be a fitna for you, ameen.

    Dealing with the in-laws: I think you have a picture in your head about what a perfect family should be like and you have extremely high expectations of your marriage and married life fitting into the perfect picture in your head. I guess you will learn your own lessons in your journey, however I will offer you some advice, which may help you insha Alllah.

    1. We can never change someone else - we can only change ourselves. If you wish to continue with your marriage to this brother, then you will need to change your feelings towards his parents. His parents will most likely never change, but they may begin to respond differently towards you, if you change your behaviour towards them. I am not saying that you are doing anything wrong to them, but you will have to learn to ignore the bad things they do or say to you. Develop the ability to let the bad pass over you - literally ignore it, have "thick skin", as they say. But don't ignore it and let it bother you, ignore it as if it never happened.

    2. You will have to treat them good, no matter how they treat you. Always be nice to them, always be kind to them. Involve them in decisions that you will be making - this does not mean you have to do what they say, but you can let them feel important, let them feel like they are involved in their sons life. Give them small wins.

    3. Develop a relationship with them, apart from your husband (to be). Visit them on your own, or call them (just for random stuff). Do not take it personally when or if they don't call you for your b'day or otherwise. Don't look at it like it is their responsibility, look at it as they are grown adults who are free to do what they want. If they call you, great, if they don't call you, great - it should be okay either ways. Make yourself okay with this. Be okay with believing that these people don't owe you anything - no one does.

    4. Try to empathize with them - they are scared of losing him. One day you may be in the same situation, as his mother, and you would want your son and his wife to understand you. She may be rude and mean, but I'm sure she loves her son. She is reacting irrationally as she does not know how to react. All she can see or feel is that she is losing the person she probably loves the most. She needs to know that she is not losing her son. It is difficult to talk to the older generation sometimes, as they are very set in their ways, but try to see her side. Try to be sympathetic to what she must be feeling - try walking in her shoes. If you can truly do this, it will change your relationship with her. Try to picture her life as a child, what she must have gone through to make her this way. Find some common ground with her and eventually you may even feel love for her (for Allah's sake).

    5. Be patient with your husband to be and his parents. Patience will bring you more good than you can ever imagine. Things will not always go your way, or as you expect (actually they will hardly ever go as you expect), so learning to be patient with people and situations is of utmost importance.

    6. This is also very important - stop pushing your future husbands buttons - people will only be pushed so far before they react negatively - and they will eventually react negatively. Be grateful for his patience, but remember he is human - he will make mistakes, and he will at some point, push your buttons. It's okay, you just need to accept him for who he is. And accept that sometimes he will choose pleasing his parents over you - this is also ok - he should. His parents hold a very, very high rank for him, you should be happy that he tries to make them happy. Also, try to understand that your husband will be in an extremely difficult position - between making you happy (his wife) and making his parents happy - it will not be easy for him and he will not always be able to choose you. Don't make him feel trapped or bad if he chooses to please his parents sometimes - you will both get more blessings for this.

    If you want to marry this brother, then you will need to make some sacrifices also. He is not your everything and you are not his everything - you each have your duties separately also - to Allah (swt), to parents (both), to siblings, friends etc. You mentioned that he unconsciously takes up for his mother - is this really a bad thing? Not in every case, but you can tell how a man will treat his wife, by how he treats his mother. I'm sure you know this hadith, but try to remember it: A man came to the Prophet (SAW) and said, 'O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet said: Your mother. The man said, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your father. (Bukhari, Muslim).

    I think you should enter your marriage truly appreciating this hadith, in your heart and let him love his mother. I'm not saying that he should neglect his wife at all, but if you don't nag or get angry about his parents, he will want to choose you and will want to make you happy.

    Okay, I think this is enough. Insha Allah things work out well for you.


    • Very thoughtful advice Sid, with a lot of compassion contained in it. It's always a pleasure to read your comments on this website.

      Wael Editor

    • Salam sister,

      JazakAllah for your advice. I read over it a few times in the past few days to let it sink it me. Sister everything you said is absolutely right and I will try my best to heed your advice, as hard as it may be to practically implement it. I know hatred doesn't kill hatred, kindness does and I pray that Allah swt gives me the strength to be patient with her. You are also correct to say that I have this vision of having a harmonious relationship with my in laws and husband but I am not setting unrealistic standards for myself. I have friends who are married to guys whose parents respect and honour their daughter in laws and in return they are receiving the same respect and honour. I expected the same for myself. I thought the older generation had tried to change themselves when migrating to the West, but I didn't know that their culture is so deep rooted in them that even after living in such a country for more than 2 decades, they are as typical as people were 50-100 years a go.

      On another note, something happened a few days a go that I’d like to share because I’ve been feeling in the dumps lately due to it.

      My parents have gone out of the country for about a month to perform Hajj and I am home alone with my siblings. I spoke to my to be husband a few days a go and he asked if I ate anything, etc. I told him I was hungry and there was nothing really at home but that I'd manage and make something. The next day he spoke to his parents and said that maybe you guys should make her and her siblings something since both her parents are not with them right now and she's at University all day studying, so they made some food for us and he dropped it by today.

      I was happy and called them to thank them. His mother picked up and I spoke to her and thanked her. She was speaking to me properly and she asked me about my parents and I told her how I miss them a lot, I’ve never been without both of them. I proceeded to tell her that I cry sometimes because it’s so quite at home without them and I pray they come back soon inshAllah. She went on to say you tend to cry a lot and I said yes I can’t really control my tears and she replied by saying maybe you should have tried to go into the acting profession then (all in a giggly tone). I replied back saying that my tears aren’t fake and for acting you require fake tears and she just giggled away not answering me back. I felt so hurt. It’s like every time I speak to her and want to be kind with her she has some taunt to give me, but in the nicest tone. It’s like she’s trying to tell me how much she hates but she doesn’t do it directly. When I went to their house long time a go with my family for dinner she was asking me if I knew any house work such as sewing and I said I don’t know how to sew and she was shocked. She then proceeded to ask that in elementary school a lot of children sew stuffed toys, did I ever do that and I told her yes I did and she replied back by saying your mom must have probably done that too right in that conniving voice and I said no I did it all by myself. Even that hurt a lot, but today I just couldn’t take it because this woman has no idea what I’ve been through and why I am the way I am today.

      I have had an extremely tough childhood. I have been severely abused (both physically and mentally)by my elder brother and my parents never had the best relationship. I’ve seen a lot of abuse and always prayed to Allah swt to never let my parents history repeat with me, as my dad always took his family’s side and never supported my mom even when she was right) and for her to say that I cry easily hurts so much. It’s not like I’m a drama queen and cry on every small thing, I just can’t handle emotional pain anymore so I cry quickly. I just feel so much anger towards this lady. It’s hard to be compassionate, sympathetic and merciful towards her. Even if she’s fearing the loss of her son, this doesn’t give her the right to taunt me in the way that she did.

      That night, I called my to be husband and told him that I can’t go forward with this proposal anymore and once my parents come back they will say no. He was very upset and told me that he’s going to go speak with his mom and tell her if she persists with this behaviour that she will loose him forever. I wasn’t happy with this and told him and not do so but he still went and spoke to his parents the next day. He sat both his parents down and directly told his mom how she was behaving. She replied by saying she didn’t mean it that way and started crying and he said that it didn’t matter, she shouldn’t have said that. He told her how she’s so sensitive and is crying right now, so would it be okay if someone taunted her? She had no reply. Now when his mother got married, she only lived with her in laws for only 4 months and came to the US. When she got married, there were some issues that her brother in law created (he falsely accused her of having tuberculosis so her husband would divorce her but he didn’t) but then realized his sin and seeked her forgiveness, and he has never created any problems since then nor said anything bad about her. Till today however, his mother has not forgiven her brother in law. She doesn’t even want to go back home because she dislikes her in laws. Her son told her this scenario and said how she couldn’t forgive her own husband’s family and doesn’t even want to see them just after living with for 4 months, then why does she expect me to accept her and want to keep her with us when she’s being exactly the same way her in laws were? How is she any different from them? She had no reply. In the end he told her that she has to change her ways or else she will loose him forever because her behaviour is unacceptable.

      I felt bad hearing that his mother cried but at the same time I felt that she deserves to know what she’s putting me through. Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. She will never loose her son because the bond she has is due to Allah swt, she is his mother and always will be; this will never change and nor do I ever want that to change. I have also accepted the fact that she will never accept me because she is someone who holds grudges for a long time and is not a forgiving person. She probably feels that I’m making her son go against her when in reality it’s her own actions that is causing everyone to drift away from her. She’s breaking apart a successful potential marriage and inadvertently leading us to commit sins by not getting married when we clearly have the means to. I have accepted all this but it’s hard for me to be kind to someone like her. It’s hard for me to want to call her up randomly after marriage and ask her how she is. If she persists with her taunts I don’t think I would like to speak to her much. If she decides to change then I am more than willing to forget the past and start fresh. The truth is that I will never be disrespectful to her even if she swears at me but I don’t think I will ever be able to have that loving relationship with her because she isn’t willing to reciprocate kindness and respect towards me. I have decided that moving forward I will not tell my husband of her rude behaviour because he then lashes out at his parents, unless it’s something that is despicable. I want her to know though that I will not be a submissive daughter in law that can be abused because all this time I have been like that and she has only taken advantage of my respect for her.

      I guess my point of writing here is just to vent since I don’t feel comfortable sharing this with my friends and tainting a negative image of my future in laws in front of them.

  9. First and foremost,

    Are you and your "future husband" married, You shouldnt be communicated or been alone together if the marriage has not taken place, I mean the full contract where your dad accepts the man and 2 muslim witness. If that didnt happen then you are both sinning and in a danger mode, so fear Allah And stop in contact with this happen till marriage takes place.

    Secondly, What the husband is doing is wrong and sinfully, he has no right whatsoever to shout at his mum or make her cry, a man came to the Prophet Muhammad SAW and said I made my parents cry, and the prophet SAW ordered the man to make his parents laugh/happy just as his made them cried. This shows your husband is weak in his religious commitment. He has to fear Allah and not do this to his parents just for a slave of Allah sake, where is the obedience of parents we been commanded? Even if the parents are disbelievers, we still commanded them to be obedience to them and kind so how about a muslim parents? Wallahi I felt so hurt, so hurt that today muslim parents are been shouted by their son, where is the shame? where is the fear of Allah? wallahi if you came up with full good deeds, prayers, zakar, fasting, hajj then you wont enter Jannah when you are disobedience to your parents especially the mother,, she has 3 rights..

    Thirdly, I totally agree with Amelia, There is people who has experienced this and I think its better to listen to a experienced people, sorry to be harsh but I personally believe his doing this to shout his mother to marry you and how do you know he will change after marriage? yes you will marry his family. Do you want to be alone only with you husband? dont you wont to find happiness by been kind/gentleness to his family too? to Allah we seek help.

    At the end of the day its your choice but for me I think you should listen to a experienced people, Woman are very emotional for if you break a rib then it will broken and if you dont break a rib it will be the same, dont let your feelings or emotions but yourself in a wrong position. Allah knows best - Am not going to say that this marriage wont be successful, maybe it is, but if you look at other side which is his parents, its very hurtfully, you already been hurted a lot my dear sister, how about after marriage? put your feelings and emotions one side and think straight, pray lots of Istakharahs(prayer for guidance) and ask Allah for help, set your relationship with Allah straight before anyone else. Pray Qiqamullayl, fast, do good deeds to erase your bad deeds.

    My dear sister, we all love you for the sake of Allah and we want the best for you, This man is not the only best man existing in the world, Allah knows best! Just do what is best for you sister but what I warn you against is been alone with this man or talking excessively with a man you not married to, its haram. Maybe because of what you going through is because of this sin.

    Lastly, Advice your husband to be kind and nice to your parents, if he shouts at them, how do you expect him to treat you? You have to look at things many ways sister and not follow your feelings, your feelins are temporary but marriage is permanent. Allah knows best! please forgive me if I said anything wrong, May Allah make it easy for you and please do remember me and your muslim brothers and sisters in your duas 🙂

    • Brother,

      You are correct. I should not be talking to this man alone as this could lead us to doing something wrong. I will try to cut this down. I mostly see him when he would come to my place with his family or alone but my whole family would be present (e.g. for dinner, etc).

      You are also correct that he shouldn’t have made his mother cry, but I would like to point out a few things. I am not saying this because I am biased towards him but this is what I’ve observed objectively. He does love his parents, a lot. In this past year he’s been nothing but gentle and kind with them. He speaks to them in a very low volume; he always does with me and my family too. This is exactly why his parents never take him seriously; they consider him to be the baby and everything he says goes straight out of their heads (he has told me this himself). He has been trying to convince his parents since the past 2-3 years (even before I ever came into his life) that he would like to live separately so he can maintain his privacy but that they will always be a part of his life. He will never abandon them and he will make sure their needs are met. They just are not willing to understand that their son is born in the US and has been brought up all his life in a western country. He will never think the way they do. Even though they have lived in a western country for 26 years, they are far more backward than most families. They live in their own bubble. They’re not social; in fact they’re very socially awkward. Things that “normal” people tend to do, they do not engage in (e.g. having family friends, going out as a family for dinner, speaking to people, etc).

      Throughout this year I have observed that he has been nothing but loving and gentle with them, trying with utmost respect and empathy to convince them that he wants to live separately. He has told them in front of all us (i.e., both the families) that he will never leave them; he loves them and will always be a part of their life. In response, his father said “Beta, the only child does not live separately. He has to live with his family.” His parents are extremely adamant. His mom says nothing but pushes her husband to do all the talking so that she’s always on his good side. Every proposal they’ve had before us has rejected him. Why? Why would anyone reject a guy who has had no past (except for crushes which every normal human being does), isn’t corrupted, is completing his Ph.D at the age of 24, holds 3 jobs, prays, fasts, gives charity and zakat, etc? It’s always been because of his parents. Potential prospect’s parents have told him straight up that it has nothing to do with him but his parents. He’s reached a point where is exhausted trying to be kind to them in the hopes that they will listen to him, but they don’t. His last resort is to be firm with them and tell them what he wants to do. Sometimes, parents lead us to a point that makes us behave unreasonably with them. Sometimes being harsh gets people to listen to you.

      It hurts me as well to know that she cried but it seems irrelevant that I’ve cried, that I’ve wept when I’ve done nothing wrong but to want to marry her son. Did she ever think once what she’s put me through? She knows exactly what she says to me and with what intention. I know his intention was not to hurt his parents but to let his mother know that she needs to stop being unjust. If it hurts her today that her son is standing up to her it’s because she’s been unreasonable and cruel with us. He would have done the same for any girl. I’m sure anyone would.

      He once came to our place and my parents told him at that time that it’s best that things end and as a genuine piece of advice, maybe he should marry someone from back home. He said that he cannot adjust with a girl from back home; he thinks very different and wants to marry a girl who’s brought up in the west like him. I then said to him that day but it doesn’t seem like you’ve taken a stand for me by speaking to your parents regarding their behaviour towards me. He then said to me, “I do not want to get angry or shout at them. Things don’t happen this way in my house. I don’t want to hurt them, hence I speak with kindness. But if they still are not getting the point then I guess I will have to be more firm because I do not want to loose you.” You see he’s not an ill-mannered child who bosses his family around and won’t respect his wife. It’s the circumstances he’s put under which has resulted in him being rude with his family.

      Realistically speaking, even if I end this proposal the only option he will ever have is that any girl he marries, will have to live in a joint family system (something he doesn’t want). At the end, he’ll be the one sacrificing his happiness over his parent’s stubbornness. Is this fair to him or his future wife?

      Sometimes when two parties are conflicting and people do not want to compromise, then people just end up doing what they want. I feel like this is what’s happening here. I also know that the best to do is to end things. It’s very hard for me though. Believe when I say that I’ve tried. This is the reason why this proposal is being dragged for over a year now, so that both families can make peace. It’s come to a point where if they do not want to, I do not want to loose someone who I know will love me and his children immensely. But I will heed your advice. I am just waiting for my parents to return from Hajj and will speak to them and we will make a final decision. I know deep down they will probably say no and it just hurts so much to know that someone who treats me so well cannot be a part of my life because of his parents—this is what will hurt the most.

      • Dear sister,

        I've been reading ur story and the comments posted to you. Dear sister I had only been married two and a half months to a man I adored and he adored me. My story is like sister Amelia's. my husband adored me and often spoke to me about his parents unreasonable behaviour, he had a good understanding of deen so I trusted him with all the promises he made to me. We had a lavish wedding and I left a fantastic job and all to move and live with his family who promised to love me like a daughter as he was the only child, weeks into the marriage the atrocities started and my adorable husband became a weak obedient son that could see no fault with his parents. In your case it was your mother in law in mine it was both his parents but his father being the dominant one. I tried my best with his family and him, we were not aloud to go anywhere and would be called constantly. My father in law spent ages brainwashing my husband and eventually they kicked me out without any of my things. My adorable husband stopped all financial support and sat whilst his parents lied about me to relatives. At the request of his father he had no contact with me and finally listened to his mothers request to divorce me and she would find him better. After four months of kicking me out my husband went to different imams to seek divorce but the grounds didnt warrant divorce so he just left it. Dear sister four months later I sit here devastated, thinking and praying to Allah to seek answers for why he did this to me. We have in contact at all and i have to start my life from scratch. My dream husband who I trusted and loved has left me in the worst state ever, they still have all my things, I'm like a distant memory for my husband who at one time I meant the world. Is this what you want sister? Trust me the pain you are going through ATM is nothing to thd pain you will go through if u marry and he turns against you like ny husband did. All his deen and love went out the window for his unreasonable parents sake. Pls sister just take heed from our experience because the grass isn't greener on the other side. May Allah guide you.

  10. Salam
    Iam facing the same situation
    My mom in law cannot tolerate me and my
    Husband was good before marriage but now he
    Asked me to leave wid our five months old baby
    And not letting us live alone
    It has been only a year of my marriage n everything is
    Over just because of her
    They have fired a case on me for the custody of child
    So think over carefully
    There is no guarantee of a man

  11. Assalaam u alaikum All Sister's who faced similar issues like Sister Amelia or Sukainna

    How is life now? Did you lost trust for any men?

    I observe that such guys are remarried, having kids and living normal life. Allah is Just, I feel bad due to my own weakness, unable to see maslihat behind their normal and my divorced life.

    Umme Abdullah

  12. The Prophet (SAW) arranged separate house for his daughter Fatima (RA) after her marriage with Ali(RA). Though at the time of marriage the mother of Ali(RA) was alive, widow and old. If there was any good in living with in laws then who else can be better example than Fatima (RA) to show this practically to Ummah. It is natural and Islamic to live separately after marriage.

    • I am not aware of this particular incident. But in arab culture,a man that gets married needs to have separate living area for his wife where none of the man's relatives live, it has to be a completely separate house, or atleast a fully separate area in her inlaws house that is fully partitioned so that she has no issues arising from her in laws. The separate area does not have to be a huge luxurious villa, just some basic requirements are enough. So this is no surprise if that is how the living arrangement of Ali (RA)and Fatima (RA) was. I just find it hard to even imagine how do people in Indian or Pakistani culture live in joint families after marriages. What about the privacy of the young couple?

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