Want to marry a convert
Asalamu Alikom,
There's this guy in my class who I never really noticed or paid much attention to. My main focus is to go to class and focus on getting my degree. One day we were partnered up for a project along with my best friend (girl). During our project meetings, I got to know him more and realized what a good and respectful guy he is. He has so much potential in life, and in my eyes he's very unique. He never approached me outside of our meetings and I always wondered why (since I knew he had a "crush" on me). It turns out that he has been reading about Islam and is thinking to convert, even before I came into the picture.
Anyways, my friend made this group text to talk about the project, where my number was showing and so was his. I was interested in getting to know him so I made the move and texted him first. Most of our convos are about islam, and moreso explaining the Palestinian culture and tradition. All we do is text. There has been no sexual intercourse, no kissing, touching, or hugging. Even when I see him at school, we speak for 2 seconds and then we each go about our business. There have been moments where we flirt.
He told me he wants to marry me and I feel I can be married to him also. But my concern is what my father will feel about it if and when he does come to ask for my hand. I believe that if we continue to talk and disobey Allah (even though we are just talking), that things will go bad and we won't end up together. So I'm planning to confront him about the texting, that we should stop so that way if things don't work out (which inshallah I hope it does if that's what Allah has planned for me) he won't be hurt in the end. I want this marriage to work based on the power of dua and prayer, instead of talking 24/7 and planning things.
My question is:
I have my doubts when it comes to my father accepting a convert as a husband for me, so how can I convince my dad to accept him if he asks for my hand?
Also, how can I confront the guy in the nicest way to stop texting and explain to him that I feel things won't work out if we continue to talk? It's not because I'm not interested, but because I want this to work out so badly that I'm willing to not talk to him if it means it gives us a slight bit of hope to get married when we are both ready for it.
JazakAllah kheir,
-salma525
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asalamu alaikum,
sister just hold up, he hasn't accepted Islam yet and you're having fantasy about being married to him. now to answer your questions, you have doubts your father wont accept a revert? well without asking you will never know, its not easy to convince anyone without knowing why did he reject a revert.
and finally, you said he is thinking of reverting, then tell him lesson number 1 guys and girls who are non mahrams are not allowed to interact with one another. if he is sincerely studying Islam then he wont take it as an offence. don't get your hopes up.
ma salama..
Assalam alaikum Sister,
You wrote:
Here is the thing--shaitaan isn't stupid--he wouldn't ever immediately suggest something to you that you would immediately reject. he wouldn't suggest to you to kiss, touch, hug and be even more intimate with this man, first he will just convince you to speak briefly to him on a personal level, text him, occaisionally flirt with him and finally encourage you to rationalize that this is all okay. Our qareens are with us since birth, they have a phd in understanding our nature and know our Achilles' heel.
I suggest that you firmly tell him that you and him will not be able to further communicate on a personal-level, but if he ever decides to revert to Islam out of his own accordance, to approach your father, not you. Be very clear on the last part and ensure you stand your ground for your own sake.
If and when that happens, then you can speak to your father about accepting a son-in-law who is a revert.
First, he used the "I'm thinking to revert" could be a means to get close to you. I'm a revert myself but I have seen women use this as a tool to get close to Muslim men. I'm not claiming that he isn't thinking about reverting but it's something to think about . I always tell people to read the Quran with tafseer. If it's a male wanting to revert to Islam, I ask a brother of Islam to answer their questions. Secondly, many parents have problems with accepting reverts as spouses , but I will say that at this point it sounds like the man hasn't even accepted yet. So is he waiting to see if you will marry him before he accepts Islam ? If so, then you might be wasting a lot of time waiting for this man. Also, you had to do a project with him that led to this point (which is exactly why Allah swt and Muhammad saw forbid gender mixing. If he is serious about Islam then tell him that Islam forbids mixing and that by cortinuing communication you two are displeasing Allah. As it was mentioned above , if he is serious about Islam then he will understand. If he wants to accept Islam from the heart , he can discontinue communication and speak to your father himself. If his intentions are good. I pray that Allah swt sets right your affairs and opens the heart of this boy to Islam .
You are worried about hurting him but you should be more worried about displeasing Allah swt. Texting and talking is a doorway to disaster amd shaitan will try to convince you that it is not. Tell him if he is serious about you to have his family or himself talk to you father. If have is a religious respected muslim then your father cannot refuse the proposal. It is him who needs to convince your dad that he is worthy of his daughter. And parents have more experience and they are better able to differentiate who is suitable for us and who is not in most cases ( normal parents).But first he has to convert himself and follow the path of Islam and adjust to it. Now he shouldnt be just converting to marry you but from his heart. If you tell him to stop unnecessary communication and if he respects you then he will accept you decision and stop. Some people with wrong things in their mind try to bully girls im this situation saying you did not have any problem communicating before so why now. Watch out for emotional blackmails and those sort of things. He might be a good person and sincere or he might not be. Thats why there is a restriction on mingling with non mehrems unnecessarily. Shaitan is trying to convince you that its ok as long as its islamic conversation but it is not. No matter what the topic is its not ok for a girl and boy to communicate without a third person present. When there is no third person present there is shaitaan who will put wrong things in the mind. Especially since you are studying and you are at a tender and vulnerable age.