Want to marry but already married to cousin and scared to tell parents
Salam brother/sister
I am in a difficult situation and i'm getting really stressed about it. I am in love with a Pakistani boy for 10 years and my parents are not happy with this situation.
Four years ago in 2007 my parents took me to Bangladesh and everyone there were very persuasive and kept pushing me get married to my cousin, i was really scared, i didnt know what to do, i have said no to everyone even to that guy who i was going to get married to but nobody did listen to me. Then they all decided to get me off married to that guy but i wasnt happy at all, it felt like force marriage, his mother emotionally black mailed me to marry her son.
Anyway after 3 month of marriage i came to back UK and i had to do something about it, we did have an argument and since then we lived apart for 3 or 4 years now. I know Islamically if you stay apart from your husbend or wife for more than 3 or 6 month, then marriage is broken, well thats what most people told me, is this true?
Now that guy went back to bangladesh and he might thinking about getting married to someone else. Now about me, the person I love he asked me to marry him and his family wants to do a small nikah, but im stuggling to tell my parents about it, so i dont know how to mention it to them, Im too scared.
Am I islamically divorced? and can I marry again? the first marriage wasnt even a marriage, so i dont exactly know what i am? if im a divorced or still married? i really dont know? im so confused. Please help.
Jazak Allah Khair
-Xena07
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Dear Sister 'Xena07', Asalaamualaykum,
This is a very sad and frustrating experience you have been through. It is so wrong for anyone to be forced into a marriage.
Its time you start looking out for yourself Sister, whilst making sure to protect yourself by strengthening yourself through Islamic knowledge and emaan. In order to move forward positively, you must start communicating with the right people - your parents. It is so clear through dealing with cases on this website, that one of the main cause of our problems stems from 'poor communication' and this is really sad, because solutions can only be found and implemented by communicating properly.
So I recommend the following:
1) Speak to your parents. Tell them that clearly your marriage has broken down and you want to clarify your marital status. Therefore you will be seeing an Imam. Do not mention that you have any other man in your life until you have cleared your marital situation.
2) Go to a qualified Imam/Mufti and explain your situation. He will guide you through the divorce procedure.
If you live in London, contact the Shariah Council in Leyton or in Baker Street (Regents Park Mosque), alternately, I can give you information, just let me know.
3) Select your next spouse wisely. As Muslims, we should be looking for a spouse who will be good for our deen and Hereafter. Use this as your guideline for choosing your spouse and do Istikhara. Speak to your parents about him. Don't talk about 'love shuv', talk 'logic'. Seek the help of the Imam to help you talk to your parents if you need so.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamau alaykum Sister Xena,
This is yet another case of parents not allowing children to express their view points, choices at the time of marriage and more so, imposing on them their choice.
Allah knows best how many guys and girls around the world are suffering from this problem.
Khair, May Allah forgive us and improve our state, Insha Allah.
Sister, you were married to that person with consent, if it was force, it was mental pressure to which you gave in, but the result was that you married a person. You did not oppose the marriage legally either in Sharia or in a local court.
As you were married, I do not know if you had consummated marriage with this man or not yet?
You may seek a divorce. If you both have not had any physical contact, after divorce you have to keep no iddah period. You may marry any person coming to you with a good proposal.
Secondly, if you did have any physical contact with this man, then you have the iddah period and complete the divorce procedure.
Once the formalities are done you may marry another person.
Remember, staying apart from each other does not count as a divorce. Divorce has to be made according to what is stated in the book of Allah.
You may consult a local Imaam in the UK and get the necessary formalities completed.
Regarding the guy from Pakistan. How good is his iimaan? Does he pray regularly? Is he on the path of Islam?
What did he do in all these years without you? Did he find another partner? Are you aware of his life and his commitment? Check all details well before going further.
If your iiman is strong, Insha Allah go further to mention it to family. To get married to a person of your choice is not a matter of shame, it is your right and no one has the right to "crush" it and impose their choice upon you. The first time it was done, it was injustice, now do not agree to any person forcing you in to marriage.
Be firm on the Deen, make your Islamic side strong and choose a person who himself is firm on Islam.
May Allah help you, guide you and ease your way in to marriage.
Salaam,
Your brother.