We want to get married but she doesnt have the courage to tell her parents
Keeping a relationship secret is damaging and unsustainable.
Okay basically i have been with a girl for 3 years. We both are aware of the fact that it was haram from the beginning but we have committed zina and we both regret it. i know this sounds dumb but i have started to fear Allah more than i ever have. I am starting to pray my namaaz and gain knowledge within Islam. So recently we have been thinking of marriage as this will help us from committing any more sins, I have told my mum about her and my family are willing to accept this decision even though I'm still young and working on a future for myself. But my girlfriend is finding it extremely difficult to tell her parents as they expect her to marry someone of their wish and forbids any love marriages. She really wants to tell them but is fearing the fact that she will disappoint her parents as she believes they will never forgive her and its alot harder as they will not accept me anyway since I'm just working part time and only recently have I thought to get a proper education.
They want a doctor or lawyer for her really. i have met some members of her family and they like me and think I'm a genuine guy but they cannot help her tell her parents as they choose not to get involved, and I believe once her parents meet me they will like me its just they need to get past the thought that I'm not a man with a big status attached to me. so now were in a dilemma on whether she should tell her parents and break their hearts or just end everything between us and have our hearts broken. we feel depressed knowing we may never marry each other. She really wants to tell them but shes just scared and the easiest way would be not to tell them but she is confused with a decision, I have mentioned the istikhara duah will this work in this situation.
-mohammed khan
15 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Brother, the most important thing is that you have repented with sincerity, and will not go back to it inshaAllah. May Allah accept your repentance inshaAllah.
Only suggestion would be to perform istikhara and same for her (as mentioned). Then make a decision. Sooner rather than later is best -delaying it will only make it harder. Perhaps set yourself a deadline?
No easy way out I'm afraid.
It really is that straight forward - but then, i think that you already knew that before you put up the post.
Salaams
Brother i feel that this girl should speak to her parents about you. She should go the parent that she's more closer too and more understanding. With females is more likely to be her mom. So she should approach her and tell her. Who know's what the outcome would be if she doesn't try to speak to her parents. They may surprise your'll and agree. "It's better to try and fail then not to have tried at all". She should be careful and not mention anything about the zina as this would definetly upset her parents more.
You mentioned that her relatives like you so I'm sure her parents would. Every parent want whats best for their child. Her parent just like any other would want their child to be secure in their marriage. Explain to them that you are planning to get a good education and you would do your best to support their child. Be kind and sincere and in the end you should respect their decision.
Hey i chose to reply to u randomly. Erm i jus want to tell u that shes told her parents but they are being adamant on saying no. However its not all to do with education etc, its to do with family name nd stuff nd her parents say since they r on a higher class they dont want their daughter marrying a lower class family. They've used emotional blackmail, saying if she marries me then her father will have a heart attack and it will kill him. I dnt knw wt to do?? Theres no way on changing their minds. I need some help, this girls made me who i am, she brings out the good in me nd i try the same with her. We both wnt b happy to marry someone else, but theres no convincing her parents, shes tried her best, but shes too scared to carry on fighting.
Salaams M Khan
I honestly think if you both are serious in getting married then she should tell her parents. I believe even if you have committed sins you both should be honest now and face your true feelings for each other. Both of you have been in this relationship committed to one and another clearly shows me you both do love each other, but how hard can it be to be honest considering neither of you thought about your parents when you were seeing each other.
I respect you that you have come forward not all women or men are like this, all they do want is a sincere man/woman and a honest husband/wife which I honestly believe you are. On the other hand parents have dreams and wishes to settle their child but in my honest opinion you both chose each other therefore to save herself from any pain it is better for her to confront what she wants rather than her parents choice. Ask her to confront her true feelings for you and tell her parents.
I sincerely hope this works out for you both of you inshallah w/salaams.
Ps education, wealth, money ect is nothing compared to finding a spouse who is decent and sincere. In this world it is so hard to even find this sort of quality in a person. I truly believe you are sincere and same with your partner.
well im troubled and depressed and iv been looking for answers and solutions myself except i dont know who to ask and who not to ask since everyones got a different answer and solution
iv known this guy for 4 years and we;v been together ever since, we'v had problems related to his family his mother had an issue with me since i was an outsider and not part of the family, hes a syed shiah and i belong to a syed sunni family. there were issues like that but we moved past all those before all of this i wasnt very religious nor spirtiual to the extent that iam now. i started feeling very closer to God and not the kind of person who gets attatched towards alot of people iv got a very few ppl in my life i care about and for that matter love. i dnt even consider having best friends or anything cz i believe only Allah is my best friend. and i believe that for sure because we;v had so many obstacles in the way and ALLAH helped me out and his mother started to accept me and his dad also got to know and he told her to meet me and my family. since im stil studying got a year left to graduate the guy is working bt hes stil training hes got a year to get permanent. his mother was all ready to meet my family and all that i was happy everything was so nice and we didnt even know until the guys dad got an istikhara done. its called quranic istikhara he got it done from someone and we didnt even know about it. it came bad.
i dont even know what to do im so depressed i hv so many questions in my head and so many things i dont knw if i shud do or not
let me begin with my first question, this is my understanding that istikhara is done when ur not sure about something like uv just begind to talk to someone we'v known each othr for 4 years i wasnt even prepared for this! but hey we didnt do it? neither did i nor did the guy do it, he wasnt even aware . even hes so sad and depressed about what they did without us knowing.
secondly i believe a person should do it himself! not a third person doing it for smone else, like we pray and ask ALLAH for whatever that we want , similarly my heart says that a person should be in direct contact with him and talk to him directly even for an answer
thirdly what i want to know is if from one side the istikhara is bad and the other side it is good? what does that mean does it mean its neutral?
also another question suppose if the istikhara is bad is thr any solution for that? for betterment of two ppls futures?
let me also repeat that i didnt do any istikhara neither did the guy. it was his family who got it done from someone some imam i guess.
now im left with no choice but to do it myself in order to know the truth and in order to make things better so we can get married in the future. im not prepared for it at all since im not a wali im an ordinary human being with feelings. and i dont expect God is cruel if we met thr was a reason for it and if after all the obstacles we;v been through we sstil made it and things became so much better for us and we were happy that has to mean something this is the third time something has gone wrong i mean if it had to end why didnt it some years ago. i just done feel it in my heart .
please help answer my questions and pray for me iam confused i need clarity and i need to feel better as my healt is deteriorating cz of so much tension and depression and confusion . everyone has got a different explanation theres not one person whos answer has satisfied me yet.
Salam,
I am sorry, but you need to submit your question as it's own posting. This makes it so people can focus on your question, and your question alone. It may take some time for the editors to post it, but inshallah the answers you get will be worth the wait.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/submit-your-question/how-to-submit-your-question-as-a-draft/
Is the part of the website that explains to you how to submits your question.
Please make sure to type as properly as possible, maybe run it through spell and grammar check before hand, as many of the readers are English Second/Third/etc Language speakers and find it difficult to read when there is short hand or spelling mistakes, they think tkhekh is actually a word and try to google it :P.
Have a nice day 😀
I think u and ur respected family should go and ask for her hand and if the girl's family makes an issue then iA the girl should disclose about her relationship with u to her parents...
May Allah (swt) makes it easy for both you...
* if the girl's family turns u down once, then u should go again and again to ask for her hand until the girl's family/parents gets convinced that u r serious and right for her (this is the normal way) but if all that attempts fails, then the girl should tell her parents about u...
all the best...
🙂
OMG this story is EXACTLY that same as mine!! word for word!!! except i am the girl in this :'(. Too hard :(. My fault for getting into it in the first place eh!!
Brother Assalam-o-alikum,
i would like you to tell you something from my own experience that please ask her to have courage and speak up for what is in her heart. atleast tell it to her mother or sister or any of the trustworthy faimly member. i have done the same mistake as i kept on fearing and could not get any courage to speak up. so what happened now i'm engaged to another guy and the families r so much closed that it is useless to speak up for my heart now. what is left is only tears for both of us. so for God's sake speak up unless it is too late. we must take the resposibility of what we do, so as far as liking some one is concerned is neither a crime nor a sin and for the rest you have already asked for Allah's forgiveness, Nodoubt Allah is merciful and great he will Inshallah forgive you. and there is no need to tell anyone about your intercourse as it was between you and Allah just ask for his forgiveness, he loves his men more than 70 mothers love.
Thank you all for your wonderful answers. Mashallah everybody had such kind advice, i was expecting some negative comments since i was in a haraam relationship. Any way i really appreciate it and inshallah things will get better for us. Oh iv got a place in uni so inshallah this can be a starting point.
Salaam,
Im in the same situation myself, me and this guy are in love... we've been together for about a year now and we would really love to get married. His parents, brother and sisters know about me. His brother had a love marriage too and both him and his wife are now really religious, they are everything a islamic married couple should be. I want that too, I want to get married to him and he wants to marry me, he makes me want to be a beter muslim, I feel we are both good muslims. I know us being togtether is haram, but I know if I get married to someone else it will break me. The guy who im with makes me want to be a better muslim and vice versa. My parents are strict though when it comes to marriage, they want me to marry someone of their choice, which I know will not work out, it never has in my family. They need to take a risk and see that their daughter can be a great wife, a much better practicing muslim... I don't want to be with someone who I know I'll end up divorcing anyway then be led astray and not talk to my parents ever again 🙁 I want to marrt the person im in love with, and the person who wants us both to be good muslims ...
Im scared of telling my parents when the time comes :'(
Salam everyone.
I am facing the same issue I need help
I don't live with my mum I live with my father and my step mum I sort of know marrying an outsider is a no no . I have never thought I will ever fall In love with someone outside my culture but it happened and mashallah he is Muslim too practising considering both of his parents became Muslim and he is mixed race although he was born a Muslim
I am just thinking my parents wouldn't let me as he keep telling to tell my parents we have met once and he said I really like you and we both prayed istkhira and I think he is the right guy for me . I know my really mum will let me as my happiness means a lot to her but I don't know if my dad will agree and I know frond ure if I tell my dad and he gives me a no my relationship with him will go down a hill .
so what shall I do I am so confused
Salaam,
I genuinely lost my email address so I couldn't update this post. However anyone that comes across this post with the same obstacles I was facing should never give up. When I say never give up I mean to always trust that Allah does everything for the best of reasons. Alhamdullilah I am now married to the woman i mentioned and now I realise that all the obstacles were put there for me to turn to Allah and put my trust in him. Alhamdullilah my inlaws saw past everything in the end and things happened so smoothly that now I am happily married for 1 and a half years. All the best to you guys, In Shaa Allah it all works out for everyone.