Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Boyfriend has converted to Islam but parents still disagree; what to do?

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Assalam O Alaikum,

I've been in a secret relationship with a boy for just over 8 months now. We haven't committed the big sin as I told him I am a Muslim from the beginning and I was not going to do anything until after marriage. He spoke about converting months ago but never really went for it fully. It was only until now I told him, 'this is it we can't talk because I'm not only lying to my parents and family but I'm sinning for talking to you etc.' We've been through this before so he didn't really take it in. He suggested converting again and I said next time we speak you've either gone to a mosque and spoke to a Sheikh or that's it, I'm not forcing you. He's just rang me saying he's gone to the mosque and spoke to the sheikh. But now what?

We're only 17 and he says he's in love and doesn't want anyone or anything else and now he's proved it. My parents have told me not to speak to him again so what do I say to them now? He's mixed race and I'm Arab and even though my parents are very open-minded they say the best for us, is to have someone from out own culture and background. I say it doesn't matter, he's the only boy that loves me for who I am and seems genuine despite putting him through so many hard situations and having other chances with many girls. If the man is kind-hearted and genuine, it doesn't matter where he's from or originated.
I don't want to rush into anything and eventually regret it, I want to know what I should do next and whether I'm too young to make such big decisions. Any suggestion will help a lot, many thanks in return.

Sara Hussain.


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4 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum,

    Sister, what I understand from your post is that your boyfriend is NOT interested in Islam. But even if he converted to Islam, it was out of indirect coercion. You said you were not forcing him, but out of pressure, he had to go and meet the Shaikh at the Masjid.

    You are not allowed to marry a non Muslim, and if he converts by force and still believes in his old belief, then if is not a Muslim yet, is he?

    So, I suggest you to obey your parents and go by their decision. Ask your father to talk to this guy and tell him to study Islam before he can consider conversion, and then take his decision.

    Do Salatul Istikhaarah to seek Allah's Counsel.

    Whatever happens is what Allah Has Decreed. Just trust in Him and note ahead.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Sister Sarah,

    You are certainly very young to make such big decisions. What I would advice is, stop all forms of communication with this man first. Why ? Because, he is a non mahram and it is haram to have a relationship with any non mahram before marriage. You are sinning everyday by talking to him. And if you continue sinning then you will have major difficulties in your married life and hereafter as Allah's wrath is currently on you. So take heed and leave this man. Secondly obey your parents. They are very right in this situation. Your " boyfriend " is not muslim, he is least interested in islam, he was indirectly forced to convert to islam. Who knows if he has really visited a mosque and sheikh or he is lying. This is very dangerous for your married life and the upbringing of your children as muslims if he is not sincere. Dont follow non muslim as they are forbiiden for you. There are lots and lots of devoted muslim men out there, seek marriage with them. Let This non muslim study Islam by himself and upon analyzing it and sincerely believing in it and then converting, this may just convince your dad he is the right man. But if that too didnt happen then you have to accept Allah's decree and go on with your life. Be really patient becuase you are too young and immature. Ask Allah to have mercy on you, guide you and bless your parents.

  3. Hi Sarah,

    I'm an evangelical Christian. So, my response may not have that much relevance. I'm a freshman in college. I'm devoted to my faith and was raised in the church my whole life. About 11 months ago, I met the man of my dreams. He was kind, handsome, quiet, respectful, very different from many of the men I've met. As a Christian, I'm not allowed to date anyone who's not a Christian, or doesn't believe in the gospel. By being in any kind of relationship more than friendship with him I was sinning. I never thought I would find myself in that sin. After getting to know him as a friend in my anatomy class, we started having arguments about evolution and creationism, religion, abortion, politics, etc. Some part of me was hoping that he might be a Christian, that we could date, but after having these conversations, I don't know how many times I thought, "well, there goes that idea!" We were complete opposites. And I guess opposites really do attract. I kept thinking that I could get him to become a Christian, but he's not the type to make that sort of profession without exploring every other possible religion out there. He needs to make his own decision. What I was doing was awfully close to what we call "missionary dating," where we date simply to get them to become Christians. This is a horrible thing to do, fyi. Time passed, and we were definitely not staying friends. We fell in love. At one point, I was so conflicted that we stopped communicating for almost a month. We lapsed back into our relationship, and into happiness, with conflict and all. Btw, we haven't committed any enormous physical sins either. I too want to wait for marriage. I want to quickly add something here: If he's willing to respect your body, and wait for marriage, that by itself sets him apart from a majority of guys, including both muslim and christian guys. The fact that he was strong enough to resist, far stronger than I at times, tells me that he's a keeper. He used to be an atheist, but told me the other day that because of me, he's become agnostic. It hurts like crazy, I'm confused, I'm nervous knowing that my family will never accept us if we were married, I'm hopeful that he'll choose to become a Christian, I'm aching because my relationship with the Lord has been damaged, and fearful that perhaps that relationship was a figment of my imagination, I'm fearful of abandoning what I always thought was right, for this guy, and i'm fearful of abandoning my guy for my faith, I'm scared that in ten years I'll come to another realization that will make me regret my decision now. But above all, I know I am not strong enough to let him go, and even though I haven't told him this yet, I love him. Its difficult for me to believe that God would place such a love in my life, and expect me to ignore it. Maybe God is bigger than the bible, maybe Allah is bigger than the Qur'an. Maybe life is a whole lot more gray and not so much black and white. Maybe somehow, God intended for my guy to be a permanent addition in my life. These are just my thoughts, i know its difficult. I don't know what you should do. I know for me, it was less about what I should do, and more about what I realistically COULD do. Cause I couldn't let him go. I tried.

    • Dear Sarah,

      Of course your comment is of relevance. I am sorry for the difficult situation you are in, you must feel quite torn. The best thing you can do is to let your friend know that you can only marry him if he the same faith and then give him the space to make his own mind up. It may be hurting now - but it if you do things the right way now, you will save yourself a lot of heart ache in the future.

      With regards to the Original Bible and the Quran, of course our Creator/God/Allah is bigger than both - HE is the One who wrote the Books. We worship our Creator, the Books are His Guidance to us.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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