Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to marry a good woman, but my father threatens to disown me

Emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail.

Assalam o Alaikum,

I am here to seek help. I am very much stressed out since very very long and this matter is really disturbing my life.

Ok here i am going to try to describe the issue. I've known a girl for four years, and we have developed a good understanding and feelings for each other during this time period... Before (in the first year of our relation we thought it was infatuation), we broke up and we did not stay in contact for almost a whole year but gradually me and her understood that it was true emotions and not any infatuation... We both missed each other terribly while we were not in any contact.

I thought it was only me who has developed emotions. One day however we got to talk to each other on the phone, she cried and said she felt the same for me while we were apart. That day we had a patch up and decided we would both marry inshAllah.

Till today we feel the same and we are in a terrible state.... She had told her parents about me and they are agreed because Alhamdullilah I am educated and belong to a good family and so as they. There are absolutely no issues regarding race/culture/religion.

Now, the issue stands at my side. Her parents like me and they are waiting for my parents to contact them and secure this matter between me and her. My parents are raising questions about her character - that if a girl was going out with me or she talked to a me, and how she was out of touch with you during with that period? They think she cannot be loyal to me; and cannot accept her.

I have tried to convince them, but they are not yielding. My Allah knows, I can swear 100 times, that there is nothing wrong with her character. Yes we went out together and talked over the phone but it doesn't mean in any way that we should point out our fingers at her character. In this era, no one can judge a girls character if she talks to a guy over the phone and goes out with whom she is loyal. She is pious, prays five times a day, wear Hijaab when she goes to her University, she has performed numerous Hajj and Umrahs. The most interesting part is she was born in Madinah and brought up in Makkah for whole of her life... Her family is pious also.

My parents want to marry me to a girl of their choosing. It's their ego that is being hurt by this matter (a typical brown parents mind-set). My parents say to me you are a Liar you always plot fake stories to convince us but we will never trust you.

I swear to Allah I love my parents so much how can i break their trust even. I just wish to marry a girl whom I like that's it. That's just what i want..... If there is absolutely no issue in race or religion even then what is the issue why they cannot even listen to me? They don't even listen to me and abuse me so much and they say you have already made us feel ashamed us in front of the whole family... We cannot bear that anymore.....

I cry so much that my khandaan is not responsible for my life, my life and her life is on the stake right now and my parents are concerned about their respect in front of the family..... I am having suicidal thoughts these days, I am in such a condition I cannot leave my parents nor her....and I am sure she cannot also even live without me, she has conveyed this thing to her parents also. Her father being her Wali, talked to me about what i wanted (as he is getting proposals day by day and at the same time he respects his daughter choice).

I clearly told him what i wanted and i asked for sometime to send my parents to her home for the proposal. I dint mention about the issues going at my side. or else her father would have been clearly rejected me straightaway. Her father spared me an ample time to resolve my matters, and he clearly told me to stay away from her daughter till we get married. When i told my father that i have talked to her dad then my father got angry and abused me so much that you see they are trapping you, her whole family is trapping you. Her dad has allowed her to meet you himself and trap you..... I don't know what to say but I know one thing, nobody has trapped me whatsoever. My parents are not ready to accept even a single positive point about that proposal, they even did not visit her home and met her family. All it seems like is they are finding all negative points (that do not exist) to make their decision more valid.

My father has told me, that you have got a right to marry anyone you want nobody can stop you, even law supports you as you are a Man, but if you do so, I will disown you (AAQ). I will publish an advertisement in the newspaper that we don't have anything to do with this boy and you will live on your own. My father is encouraging with sarcasm that go and marry her we wont stop you but you should know our conditions before doing so....

I am so much in stress I dont know what I can do.. I am 26 and she is 24, Alhamdullilah me and her are much educated that we can support ourselves on our own but I cannot leave my parents for her nor I can leave her. I am such a guy that I never played with anybody's emotions and I never flirted to a girl. This girl, I truly love her and we had dreamed to live together... She is pious, good looking and educated she has got every quality.

One thing I would like to add here is that I am a Doctor and my parents have high expectations towards their to be daughter in law. They also claim that if this girl would have been a doctor then we could have considered her and we could have supported you by plotting a story in front of our family that she is his choice they used to study together and so...But in this case, she is not a Doctor (but still shes much educated, owns a masters degree), and my parents expectations are getting hurt.

I must ask, why in this society people are bound by social and family values? Why people don't think its a critical matter which gets two lives to stake? My mother cries and give me example of other families that see those parents themselves looked for a girl for their son and how proud they are.What family will say about us. It will be a matter of great shame for us. I agree those parents are proud and Of course I would have been married to my family's choice happily If I did not like this girl..... Why my parents cannot understand, there is nothing that should be a hindrance between this marriage, whatever they claim is their own created thinking. They don't seem to be concerned about my life and health, all they are concerned is about their respect within the family, and my brothers. My parents think if I had taken this step, nobody would get their daughters married to my rest of the sons within the family, reason being ME...

I really don't know what I can do 🙁 ... I have even performed istikhara for several times but it never came negative.. How can i make my parents understand that its my life and I will literally destroy my life if I didn't get her...

I know we had been into a haram relationship, me and her repented before Allah countless times for that. We don't meet or talk over the phone now, all I want is to make her halaal for me now and we never been into a physical relationship whatsoever... She is the only one I want and nobody else. I am having so much suicidal thoughts, God forbid I cannot face Allah if I committed it..

Please help me with it brothers and sisters ASAP, I really need you guys to support me actively and pray for me. I have very much explained my condition to you. All advises, counselling, suggestions will be a great help for me.

JazakAllah

-rizwan96321

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32 Responses »

  1. Dear Rizwan,

    It is very hard to come across a relationship as solid as yours. If she is everything you say she is then there is no religious reason why your parents should stop you.

    But then there is your parent's side of the story since they are wiser than you, they might be seeing something in her that you don't since love is blind.

    You haven't mentioned your mother's point of view in this, perhaps she can convince your father and support you?

    But if you are confident and mature enough to see past this blindness of love and see logic, then i think you should go ahead with this marriage and in time your parents will understand.

  2. assalaam alikum,
    here cannot say who is right or who is wrong..whether u r parents is wrong or u r girlfriend is wrong....from 1 point of view...if she is good follower of islam. she would not have talked to u..and this situation ll not have come...if she can talk to u and have a haram relationship now...if u fail to keep her happy..she may do this again with another guy. this is wat u r parents trying to explain u...
    from other point of view what u r parents are telling that is also wrong...about marrying doctor only...or higher cast or higher in society....watever...

    but what islam says...read it....the story of prophet prophet ismail (a.s) his wife and prophet ibrahim (a.s) ....

    The Prophet (pbuh) continued: "After Ishmael's mother had died, Abraham came after Ishmael's marriage in order to see his family that he had left before but he did not find Ishmael there. When he asked Ishmael's wife about him, she replied: "He has gone in search of livelihood." Then he asked her about their way of living and their condition, and she replied, "We are living in misery; we are living in hardship and destitution,' complaining to him. He said: "When your husband returns, convey my salutations to him and tell him to change the threshold of the gate (of his house).'

    "When Ishmael came, he seemed to have felt something unusual, so he asked his wife: 'Has anyone visited you?' she replied, 'Yes, an old man of such and such description came and asked me about you and I informed him and he asked about our state of living and I told him that we were living in a hardship and poverty.' On that Ishmael said: 'Did he advise you anything?' She said: 'Yes he told me to convey his salutation to you and to tell you to change the threshold of your gate.' Ishmael said: 'It was my father and he has ordered me to divorce you. Go back to your family.' so, Ishmael divorced her and married another woman from among them (Jurhum).

    "Then Abraham stayed away from them for a period as long as Allah wished and called on them again but did not find Ishmael. So he came to Ishmael's wife and asked her about Ishmael. She said: 'he has gone in sof our livelihood.' Abraham asked her; 'how are you getting on?' asking her about their sustenance and living. she replied: 'we are prosperous and well off (we have everything in abundance).' then she thanked Allah. Abraham said: 'What kind of food do you eat?' she said: 'meat.' he said: 'what do you drink?' she said: 'water.' he said: 'O Allah! bless their meat and water.""

    The Prophet (pbuh) added: "At that time they did not have grain, and if they had grain he would have also invoked Allah to bless it. If somebody has only these two things as his sustenance, his health and disposition will be badly affected unless he lives in Mecca."

    The Prophet (pbuh) continued: "Then Abraham said to Ishmael's wife: 'When your husband comes give my regards to him and tell him that he should keep firm the threshold of his gate.' When Ishmael came back he asked his wife, 'did anyone call no you?' she replied: 'yes, a good looking old man came to me,' so she praised him and added: 'He asked about you and I informed him that we were in a good condition.' Ishmael asked her:' did he give you any piece of advice?' she said; 'yes, he told me to give his regards to you and ordered that you should keep firm the threshold of your gate.' on that Ishmael said: 'It was my father, and you are the threshold of the gate. He has ordered me to keep you with me.'

    according to this... u r father has rights on u also....

    now u judge by yourself ...

  3. asslam o allikum

    I hope and pray from the bottom of my heart may Allah SWT ease all your problems and make it possible for you to live your life in peace full Islamic manner .forgive if I am wrong I believe you belong to a south Asian community it is very hard to get your point of view across to your own parents in this community ,they think more of their honour and name in the society then their religion and welfare of their children.

    I know islamically parents have great rights over their children but from your post I think its nothing to do with religion that they not agreeing to your marriage proposal its completely matter of their name in the community " OH THEY DIDNT GET THEIR DOCTOR SON MARRIED TO A GIRL WHO IS DOCTOR"
    as you must know suicide is haram in islam human life is very precious, and gift from Allah.( read an article on this website about suicide in islam it is well explained and has helped me a lot when I was having similar thoughts as you due to very hard family circumstances)

    first of all I would suggest try to pray more and more to ALLAH and ask for help at this difficult time of your life somebody told me to read HASBUNALLAHO WA NEMULWAKEEL WA NEMULMOLA WA NEMUNNASEER
    trust me it works it gives great peace of mind to me and Allah helps me with all my
    difficulties and eases them .you try reading this all the time with a firm belief Allah is almighty and loves his makhlooq 70times more than a mother so he will not put you through a trouble without reason all this may be a test of your imaan.

    secondly talk to your mother and try to involve some other close family members if you think they would be any help as you said you have done istikhara and it has never came negative tell this to your mother and ask her for help.

    don't despair Allah will help you in sha Allah do istaghfaar as much as you can

  4. Brother your 26 years old...I would just say go and get married without your parents permission but you need the girl's dad's concent too. Her father would want your parents agreement. Your in a tough stituation. Your a man, it's your own life...parents can't dictate whom you can and cannot get married, and then emotionally blackmail and threaten you. I hate these cultural minds. So many men don't have a back bone to stand up against their parents wrong thinking. All I can say is just make lot's of duah. Lastly, it about your own happiness, not your parents.

  5. Assalamu Alaykum,

    Think of it like this, if you leave the girl and you sever contact with her and your family chooses someone for you, will you ever be happy? You will keep comparing her to this other girl and would be unfair on her. On top of that, it is so difficult these days for us to come across someone that we are so satisfied with. Besides, they want you to marry a doctor? Really? Your lives are going to be so hectic and they are limiting your choices so much.

    This is such a difficult situation brother, i really dont know what else i could say. I could write pages on pages of the pros and cons. If this was me however, and i was the girl, I would want you to fight for me. its time you stand up to your family and firmly state that, look, mashAllah i have made you proud by being a doctor and I have stayed away from sin and brightened your faces and now I want to marry this woman in a halal way to please Allah swt and you are being unfair and oppressive. Marry the girl and establish a life and slowly try to win your family over. You and her have been very strong to be without each other for a year and shows mashAllah the taqwa you have and so it is time to take the situation into your own hands. You can win over your family, but if you let her go, how much longer will you be alone? If they find someone for you, how can you be happy with someone else? End of the day, YOU are living with this person and YOU are the one who has to deal with it.

    Instead of thinking her family is roping you in and tricking you, mashAllah it actually shows the wisdom and piety of that family in letting you marry even with the cultural boundaries and such. But at the same time, it does seem your family are being cautious. Maybe you should speak to the girl and make sure all your cards are on the table about the past etc and anything that may have happened and if you are wiling to accept these things. That way, if you fight for her there are no surprises.

    Also, something that really strikes me. Why didnt you just marry her the year before?

    Jazakallah khayr

    • AOA, Thank you so much for your words of peace. I did not marry her the year before because at that time I was in no condition to support her or even myself as I was studying medicine. All the situation has arised now when I can get married and support my family.

  6. Wa Alaykum Us Salaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa- Barakatuhu,

    My Dear Respected and Strong Brother In Islam,

    Remove all your negative thoughts, This time is a test from Almighty, So ask help from him alone. Perform your Istighara until the matter settles, In sha Allah Final Decision will be ALLAH's.

    In sha Allah you will be in my dua's, Please update us about your condition and Don't hurt your parents, Because next to ALLAH parents are everything and every parents thinks good for there children

    One more think, you can live life without this girl, and also you can live your life without your parents also. But, you can not live life without ALLAH, So do everything in your life to please ALLAH alone and Accept his decision in this matter,

    May ALLAH ease all our affairs, and Guide us to the right path. Ameen

    Fee Amanillah, Was Salaam

    • What are you talking about??? He is a MAN he doesnt need his parents permission in Islam!!!!! He can marry whomever he pleases. If he doesnt marry the girl he likes and marry some other girl he will be the one who is not happy ,he will be the one who wont treat the girl how she should be treated, he will destroy his and her life, and later in life he will say it was a test from Allah and he has to be miserable all the time when he had the CHOICE??? We are responsible for our own decisions. Yes of course he should always respect his parents and try to make them happy but this doesn't mean he should worship them. in his case his parents don't even have a valid reason! Allah gave a man the premission to chose his wife without his parents premission for a reason you know!

  7. Salaam bro. Reading your post, it seems you have four options :

    1) Telling your parents very politely but very firmly that if you don't get to marry this girl, you won't marry anyone else of their choosing either.
    2) Marrying the girl with her family's consent but against your parents will.
    3) Parting ways with the girl, and marrying a girl of your parents' choice.
    4) Creating such havoc in your household by tantrums that your parents have no choice but to go over to her place and ask for a proposals.

    If I were a guy and in your situation, I would probably stress on option 1.I would not be rude to my parents, but I would just be like 'You want me to leave this girl, fine,because you're my parents and I love you. But I promise you one thing, I will not marry any other girl of your choice either, EVER since I do not think I can make any other girl a good husband and that would be very unfair to both her and me, and I do not want to ruin anyone's life along with my own.' I think if you pull this off in a way that shows that you actually mean business and stick to it, your parents would probably come around, because they would prefer this over you staying unmarried your whole life.And stress to them over and over that they will always be sacred and beloved to you, and this girl will be a wonderful daughter in law to them as well as a wonderful wife to you.

    Option 2 is a highly controversial one.Would her parents consent to her being married to you against your parents will and involvement?Would she herself be comfortable with it?Would you financially be able to afford it?And if worst comes to worst and your parents disown you, do you think you can live with it , without eventually coming to resent this girl for being the reason for being cut off from your parents and family?That could have serious adverse effects on your marital life, you know. I would advise you to think hard and long before going for this step, if you do go for it and to do a lot of soul searching and to discuss this with the girl too, to see what she says.

    Option 3 :I agree with Sister A, that if I were the girl, I would want you to fight for me.Leaving the girl after such a long attachment, and after causing her and her family AND yourself so much tension..( and believe me,most girls don't get over such issues easily, if at all)..would both of you be able to get over it and move on, given some time?Another option in which you both need to do some soul searching and think LONG TERM.Do you think you would ever be able to make another girl happy and stay happy yourself?Would she, like wise, with another guy?You both need to sit down and have a long, calm, mature discussion about all of these issues.

    Option 4 :If you throw so many tantrums around the house and force your parents to go to her place, the effects could be disastrous.I'm sure your parents would ask for a proposal very half heartedly in that case which would then create resentment from the girl's family (naturally so) at being so insulted, which could further aggravate things.And if by some miracle they do ask for a proposal and you do end up getting married with both sides' participation, would your parents attitude towards this girl be ok after marriage?Would they ever accept her as a member of the family?Do you possess the maturity and strength to keep a proper balance between parents and wife, in such a situation, ALL YOUR LIFE?If not, it would be highly unfair to this girl and cause her no end of misery after marriage.

    Bro, keeping in mind all these things, make your decision.Please pray 5 times a day, continue doing Istikhara, and please do a LOT of soul searching and calm, rational thinking before taking any steps.Discuss everything with her as well, calmly and maturely.And if it doesn't work out, please do not contact her again and let her go completely, so that both of you can move on with your lives.May Allah guide your every step and make all your wishes come true, Ameen.

  8. Assalam o Alaikum

    Relieved to see so much positivity in your words, I appreciate every brother and sister who has showed concerns and are here to help me get out of this situation. I have prayed alot and did istikhara alot, asked for Allah's help and mercy. I have been into so much emotional trauma,one cannot imagine and still a whole life is ahead. I cannot see how things are going to come up next.... Now, my father allowed me to marry her but offcourse without his support, he is not going to ask for her hand. My mother has confessed that the girl has absolutely no issue, the thing is we are possessive about you and we always wanted to get you married to the girl of our choice because you are more dear to us as compared to ur siblings and we had always high expectations from you. She has confessed this.... I really really love my parents so much.... But I know I am going to be in a trouble in both the ways. If I marry her, or I marry the girl of my parent's choice, both ways would end up in a disastrous life 🙁

  9. I know this dilemma...I call it blood or heart...it is so hard to pick one. I am pakistani and you know, my parents made me do same thing. They would say " hum ne thore munna kiya hai...jao...Jo marzi karo"..then I would cry so much, because I didn't want to lose him nor have this type of fake approval. In the end, I coldly said no to him. I said I have no complaint from you, but I can't displease my parents. He accepted it with a broken heart.
    It has been four years, as the oldest child, my parents pressed all their dreams on me..now I am still single...and the worst thing is, now my parents say, "wohi acha tha...boht Bari ghalti ki Humne...beta humme maaf karde"
    I don't need to forgive them
    This was my destiny
    But I only regret not fighting
    If someone kills me after a fight
    It is much different
    Than surrendering right away.

    Your parents are playing you like a chess piece, like they did me. Sure, they always say to everyone that I m best olaad, so farmabardaar etc.,but ok...what now? Will they be with me in 50 years? No..but my life has changed forever. My point is, be a strong man, anticipate the mind games, get your bros sis and moms and hamdard and march forward to get your princess. I know, it looks so bad k dad nahi hai saat mein...maybe woh issi wajase inkaar kardein...but you have one chance ! Please try your very very best.

    • Hi sister, I am sorry i am replying after a year... You are v right sister, I know this exactly going to happen with me either. After a year I am into a same situation, my parents dont talk to me regarding this anymore, they are ignoring my situation so bad. But, i am gonna fight for her , they point fingers at her, what good thats gonna do?? Even they pick a girl of their choice, how I will be sure of her character?? This breaks me so much... My parents cannot understand me, I wont let them do the same like your parents did with you sister. I wil InshAllah fight for her till my last breath.. Thank you so much for your concerns about me

    • Dear Brother Ariana
      As Salaam Walaikum
      I would really like to know what happened further... Are you still single or have you married someone? I am really curious to know about every single person here because I am here going through the same. Exactly the same story. My family is supportive but the guy's family is threatening to disown him.
      I don't know where all this will lead to, I don't want to give up nor I want him to give up. But I am too scared.
      Praying to Allah day and night for a miracle.

  10. Dear Rizwan,

    What was the outcome of your situation? Which path did you take?

    I ask because I am in exactly the same position myself and it is just impossible.

    • Hello dear MA,

      As for now, its been around 7 seven months I took a painful step of leaving that girl. As I mentioned in my above comment, both decisions would be a lose-lose situation for me. I made my parents happy but lost the love of my life. I broke her heart too, but maybe this was right for both of us. I could not entangle her along with me into a house full of thorns, where she would not get love and respect from my parents. She never deserved that. I still miss her and love her, though I am in a stable position and I have faced the worst possible situation of my life. I have dealt with it, and now its over. I just pray that she would get somebody better with me and who would love her more than me.

      And as for you brother MA, please weigh the risks and benefits of your situation. Find yourself in a position of taking a decision straightaway. The more you linger on, the more you will get into troubles. If you think you can make things ok by marrying the girl without your parents permission, go for it. But if you think your parents are stubborn and they never gonna respect your wife then leave her. May Allah help you and bless you

      Regards

      • Salam brother, always remember that Allah swt is the best of planners! He will only give us what's best for us. Everything happens for a reason. May Allah answer your duas for a righteous wife and bless you inshaAllah. Salam, your sister from Australia 🙂

        • Dear sister,

          Walaikum assalam and Thank you very much for the kind duas. Allah swt is the best of planners, rightly said indeed. I am still struggling and need your kind prayers.

          May Allah guide us our way to jannah and give us hidayah through our wordly life.

      • Dear Rizwan.

        So what you're saying is that 3 months after posting your previous reply (Aug 2014) about how you will 'fight for her till your last breath', you decided to leave her? Interesting.

        I will only say this: If you left her for your parents' sake, for you this may become a source of hate for your parents and everytime they order you around in the future, it will grow.

        On the other hand, if you had chosen to marry her, you would've gotten the love of your life AND also would've been constantly trying to be nice to your parents for their acceptance and in the process, gotten closer to them.

        What's done is done and I may be ignorant to some other matters affecting this decision of yours but on the face of it, the above is what I feel needed to be said.

        Allah knows best.

        AAZA

        • Dear sister Aaza,

          I can totally understand your agony and point of view towards my decision. But, that being said, Allah knows the best. You never wore my shoes and ran a mile in it. I did what apparently seemed best for all of us. For her, for my parents and for me. As I have mentioned in one of my above posts, it was indeed best for her not to come in my house where she would only get hate. My parents have a typical eastern mindset, I know how they would treat her. They were never gonna respect her anyway. What was in their hearts could not be erased ever. I tried this for three years but all in vain.
          Never judge a book by its cover my sister. You have no slight idea what I have faced, maybe it was the most painful thing ever.

          Allah knows the best about the rest.....

          May Allah bless you

          • Rizwan ,

            You should have married her .For a man you don't need parent's permission .
            Are you sure you are going to lead happy life with the girl your parents will choose ?
            IF NO then you will be destroying life of that new girl too who will become your wife .

            Also ,your current girl friend will be heartbroken and will be effected by this relation ship .She too might compare her new husband with you and get disappointed ..If her new husband comes to know that she was in a relation ship for so many years with you even he might divorce her ..

            I think still you have time .You can go and marry her ..

            There is no sin if your parents gets unhappy because your marriage .Marriage needs to solve your problems like sex,compatiilty etc etc and not your parents problems ...

            Main thing is marriage is both husband an wife should be happy and not parents .Yor logic of parents will hate her so you are not marrying her doesn't make any sense .Almost all mother in laws will be negative towards their daughter in laws even if they choose ..
            Go man and marry her ..

  11. i am also curious did you married her?

  12. what was the outcome? did you marry her or go with a girl of your parents choosing?

  13. Asalamualaikum..

    bro i am also in the exact same situation right now.. i am not understanding hat to do.. on saying of my parents to leave her.. i left the girl once.. but i couldnt stay away from her for a long time.. and trust me leaving her was the most difficult thing ever had to me.. i stopped eating.. my health was getting effected.. i was so in depression but all my relatives and parents were like... "he left her.. thats enough for me". they are not at all caring about my feelings.. about her importance in my life.. my parents live in abroad and i stay alone in india for education with my relatives from the past 9 years.. so my parents and me have got a serious communication gap between us.. they think that m still that small kid... whom we sent to india.. no doubt they have provided everything.. but they have also forced me to do alot of things in which i was not interested also.. like the bachelors i am doing.. its a forced one n m not at all interested in it.. but still try to do something out of it.. but my parents want good grades in something i am not interested in.. so there is huge gap in understanding and moral support.. he is not interested in my life.. he says "i kept u there to study, so just study".. where as on the other hand i have this girl.. known for 4 years.. she is the one who supports me... gives me moral support.. understands me completely.. and loves me unconditionally.. and her family is ready to get her married to me focusing on my nature and character.. but my parents are being stubborn from years and i dont understand how should i convince them.. my parents have asked me to leave the house.. and i knw if i leave the house also.. i will loose that girl because her parents wont get their child married to a person who has been disowned.. now i dnt understand.. shall i leave the house.. will it effect my parents a bit also..??

    • Brother Ayyub,

      I am really sorry to reply you after 1 and a half year. As of my post, I have been through exactly same as you have been. I can understand how hard it is to cope with such condition. Brother, I just got married three months ago with a girl of my parents choice. I am so happy and satisfied with their choice. I still don’t support their decision not to accept the girl I loved though but after years of struggling and forgetting my love, I finally got somebody with whom i am satisfied and happy. Brother, I totally understand a typical eastern mindset. We cannot go against our parents decision, leaving my love for the sake of their decision was not the right thing either but their choice for me is not wrong as well. Its a great test from Allah, I know what I have been through. Please try to offer salaah as much as possible and your heart will be filled with peace inshAllah. Please update your current situation if you read this. Thank you brother. May Allah bless you

      • As Salaam Walaikum Brother Rizwan
        What you're going through is something exactly similar that me and the guy I wish to marry is facing. His family is threatening to disown him too and forcing him to marry someone else. And we have already tried everything possible to convince his family. My family is being supportive and giving us enough time but there are no positive signs from his family so far and things are getting worse with each passing day.
        Alhamdullilah you're married and settled with your wife, I would really like to know where is the girl whom you wished to marry earlier? Has she married someone? Is she happy in her life?

        • Assalam o alaikum Sister Sana

          I am really sorry to see that my reply to you has not been published for unknown reason. Anyway, I will write again. As I mentioned, I already got married last year to the girl of my parents choice and alhamdulillah I am very happy. The pain I had been into, Allah has been very kind to me and I was destined to have someone who is wonderful (my wife). It really took a long time to get over the pain but it went away with time, thats true in my case. Regarding your question for whereabouts of the girl I liked, its been more than a year since we talked. To my knowledge, she is still not married yet. It was equally painful for her to get over me, i really hope that she is gotten over me fully. Why she has not married is a question which I am unable to answer. The last time we talked, I told her that whats gone is gone and life is not meant to be stopped. I really tried to convince her to get married as age matters for a girl and she should not delay. God knows if she has still gotten over the past 🙁 I really wish the best for her and pray she stays happy all her life. For you my sister, life gets unfair sometimes. No matter what you do and what you try, destiny comes into play. In our culture you really need to obey your elders, theres not much hope if you are pulling two strings with equal force. If you pull one of the strings with more force, it will break. I really wish your problems have been solved by now and you got what you wanted. If not, have some faith in Allah. You will be rewarded with something fantastic in future. Trust me 🙂 May Allah ease your pain and make things easier for you. Remember this brother in your prayers.

          Rizwan

          • Walaikum As Salaam Brother Rizwan

            My problem has not been solved yet and so far my guy is taking his stand as well Alhamdullilah. His parents are still against me but he is trying enough to convince them. I have put my complete trust and hope on Allah and I have faith that he will unite us here as well as in jannah, Insha'Allah. I cannot think of any other guy no matter what because i genuinely see my life partner in him.
            To keep our relationship as halal as possible, we have stopped meeting each other (it was already long distance so we couldn't meet often earlier also), stopped video calling or making phone calls, we have kept things limited only to text messages so that when we unite we can spend good time together and believe that Allah will reward us for this tough time that we are going through as well.
            Also, Khuda na khasta even if he gives up at one point of time, i know it is impossible for me to give that place to another guy. In that case i would then only pray to Allah to reunite us in jannah and help me live my life with this hope and give me enough strength to bear all the pain alone in this world. But my decision is final.
            I would really pray for you as well as for the girl that you liked, may Allah help in easing her pain. 5 years is not a short time brother, i am with the guy from the past 1 year and I know the pain of losing the one whom you genuinely want to marry and see as your life partner.
            I am not blaming you or saying that what you did was wrong. Maybe that is what Allah destined for you.
            But somehow my heart goes out for the girl who truly felt for you and is still not married. She must be close to 30 now since the first post is dated 5 years back. May Allah help her and reward her in dunia as well as in hereafter.
            Sometimes parents don't realise the sin they commit in forcing their child to marry someone of their choice and asking not to marry someone they genuinely want to. Sometimes it ruins the lives of the children completely and the parents realise it when it is already too late.
            Nikah is one of the basic right that Allah has given to every single individual on this earth and forcing it is one of the biggest sins, no matter who it is.
            I have known many people in similar situation who are going through the same or have gone through the same and are regretting today for not taking the stand back then. Everytime i offer my salah i pray to Allah to help all those couples like us and don't make nikah difficult for them.
            In the end i would just request you to kindly remember me in your dua as well and pray to Allah to make my nikah easy with the guy i like.

            Jazakallah Khayran

            Sana

        • Dear sister Sana

          I am very sorry to hear that you are still into the same situation. Its indeed very tough to face such kind of a situation in life. I pray no one has to ever go through this. Sister, based on my experience I would strongly recommend you to limit your contacts with the brother you like. I really wish the best for you but you need to understand that your fears might come true god forbid. Being continously in contact through calls/texts won’t let you think rationally. May Allah turn the things in your favour, but if things doesnt turn up the way you want, dont lose faith in Allah. Allah really listen to your cries and never dissapoints you. Please have some faith and extremely limit your contacts with the guy. Just leave this matter to Allah and relax yourself. Try to indulge in praying regularly and reciting Quran, it really helps. Sister one last advice which is going to be very sincere, just don’t linger on with this matter. The longer this issue will last, the more difficult it will become for both of you. Just give the guy a certain deadline, if things can be settled within that time, good. But if not, it should be you who will initiate to severe the ties. I know i sound rude here but it will be the best thing for both of you. Then, leave it upon Allah and you will be surprised to know what plans Allah has for you. Just take good care of yourself and I would like to know what happened. Please do update here

          Rizwan

  14. Asslamualikum dear brother Rizwan,
    Can u ask your parents to listen this bayan for once n say them politely to listen it very very carefully n with deep thinking about it the bayaan link is here:
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8jpoF2fD9qQ

    InshaaAllah after this ur parents will accept ur marriage n if not plzzz notify me

    • Asslamualikum brother rizwan,
      May ALLAH make ur problems easy,AMEEN
      Brother rizwan May ik where u live n May you send me your contact number in e-mail so I can talk to your parents n make them understand I will make them understand All shariaa n plzzz make ur parents listen to the link

      • Brother Sheikh, Assalam o Alikum. My original post is 5 years old. Maybe you did not go through the whole thread? I mentioned that I already got married to my parent’s choice of girl. It’s been quite a long since all of this, and thats true ‘time heals everything’. I have been through a lot but alhamdulillah I am happy with my wife now. She loves me more than anything else and I love her too. So whats gone is really my past, I am happy with what I have. Thank you for the concerns brother

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