Want to Marry Him but His Wife Says No
Salam,
I have been dating this Muslim man for about 5 years now...Even though I am converted Muslim myself. I know that we are not supposed to be dating for it is not permissible in Islam. I converted a few years after we have been dating.
The problem is that he is already married with 5 children and lives with his wife.
He has told me that he is going to do Nikah with me and wait to tell his wife and family until after she agrees with it. I have tried to talk to her and ask if I can marry with him but she said no and she will kill him or herself if it happens. He still is there and hasn’t left me but I am truly miserable being in this relationship when I know that it has to be hidden. He said let’s just do the Nikah and let things settle and wait and see what happens with his wife. He thinks that maybe she will change her mind and be ok with second marriage.
I have been patient for so long and my patience is wearing very thin. I want to marry him but I won’t have any rights unless she agrees. I am very lonely and don’t think that he will ever marry me and let everyone know. After marriage I want him to stay some nights with me and be able to go visit my family. Is he lying to me just to keep me waiting or what??
I’m not confused that I just want to leave him and never talk to him again for making me wait and not even planning on having an open marriage. What are you insights on this and what should I do?? I cry all the time because I truly love him but know that he will never bring me close to his family.
Please help,
- Confused Bewty
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Salaam dear sister.
I am sorry to hear that he is leading you on. Unfortunately adultery and fornication or any relationship outside of marriage is not only haraam - it is haraam for a reason. It brings heartbreak and many other problems. These are avoidable. Do not allow him to keep you hanging - as it is unlikely she will change her mind. He may be lying or he may just be hoping for the best - but either way your prospects with this guy do not look realistic.
Regardless you deserve better that to be a mistress. Allah swt has given us marriage so we can enjoy love and companionships and still have rights. Leave him to his family. His wife will not accept you, she most likely quite rightly feels betrayed. He also has children, and this could impact on them very badly.
Sometimes what happens is we get so attached to someone, even when staying with them is damaging our emotional health and our soul - we stay. We cling onto hope, despite everything falling around us. We forget the damage we are causing to others around us. Letting go is very difficult, especially when he is still trying to make himself and you believe that it can somehow work, but once you have let go - it gets easier. Yet the longer you hang on the harder it gets.
Do not destroy his family. His family do not deserve that, especially his children. Let go of him, cut off contact, acknowledge the wrong you have done and make tawbah - sincerely ask Allah to forgive you, and allow yourself time to heal. In this time, work on improving your relationship with Allah - look after your health and well-being. Know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you let go - you will go through some pain but it won't last. Hanging on just drags out the pain. In time InshaAllah you will find someone who will honour you and marry you openly and not secretly. It is never good to start a relationship/marriage by breaking hearts and dishonesty. There are no blessings.
So Give him up for the sake of Allah and you will be rewarded. If you cannot do that then think of his children and his wife and yourself.
I pray that Allah swt guides you to do the best thing and strengthens you.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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@ Assalamu alaykum Sister Confused Bewty,
Sister Sara, Masha Allah leaves very little to be added by other editors, Alhamdulillah, All praise be to Allah, Masha Allah she writes much truth with honesty.
Other than your question, my advice is you try to "practice" Islam after entering Islam. This relationship seems to have taken your time and attention.
Now give the same time and attention, or even more to Allah, Insha Allah and see the good results.
Allah wants to bring you to His way Insha Allah, so seek it and walk on it, Insha Allah.
Yes, one more thing, read the Qur'an a lot.
Salaam,
Your brother.
ASA sister
I agree with sister Sara it is haraam, and you should stay away from him. He is a married man and has a family, you even know its not right to date him. With no means of being rude at all, but have a little dignity my dear and walk away. If this man really cared about you he would have been honest since day 1, and not prolong your agony to 5 years.
Practice islam the right way, and dont break this marriage. If he does not love her and feels he cant be with her, then he can get a divorce and then proceed to marry you.
AMIRA
salam to all
sister feel sorry for you n your condition:0.. but it is very much obvious at this stage...my advice to you is just wait ...give some time to yourself...ask yourself ..do you really want a man who possibly cant be loyal to you in future.....
again in Islam there is no compulsion for a man to merry a second girl...even no need to take permission from first wife...yeah should tell her and if she agrees... it is the best part........but it is human behavior...no wife can bear the second woman in her husband life....
So try to distract your attention from him if he is your destiny he will surely come to you.....
pay attention to your prayers and read Qur'an as much as you can with full description.....try to attend religious gatherings as you can.....
And of-course this is not the end of life....should see around you...there possibly other good guys who can be better choice for you............
ALLAH GUIDE US ALL TO THE RIGHT PATH (Siratul mustakim).....Aameen 🙂
Allah has given a man full permission to marry upto 4 wives . It doesn't matter if the first wife agrees to it or not . I think ,muslimahs of these days must accept this law WHOLE HEARTEDLY and avoid bringing excuses . Having said that, i think that you should try to convince her by using quran and sunnah and if she still refuses and persist which is wrong btw then it is better for you to leave this man because more harm would be done than good if you marry this man. On extra note ,I don't know why muslimahs don't allow 4 marriages . Muslimahs should stop this selfish attitude . They must understand that more than one marriage is much much better than adultery .
If this happened to me & my husband married someone without telling me I would be DEVASTATED, but it is true this is the law Allah has put out so even though we do not like it, we can not go against it and he does not need permission from the first wife. Trust me, it's better that he actually is thinking of getting another wife than sleeping around with other women behind his wife's back. You have to understand that it is human nature for some men to want to be with more than one woman & one of our main responsibility is to prevent ourselves & our spouse from falling into sin & adultery is a MAJOR sin.
May Allah help those women overcome this with patience. May He dissolve the jealousy in our hearts.
Soul. I agree with you to a point. You are right. I am in a situation like that too but if I leave he is going to end up with other women anyways even though he is married. he is far from his family and doesnt live with them but got married young and was forced to. We fell in love and are together and even though we are working on tryint to get married Halal it is very hard. We are trying though. People say to leave until its halal but where am I going to go? We both are alone in Europe with no family . We have each other and love each other so much. But if we break up it will cause heart ache on both sides and he will just go out to keep his mind off of this. So in my opinion we are helping each other. The only thing is that its not official by papers or by a Sheikh. In our hearts our intention is to find someone who will marry us because because I dont have a father around to approve no one will do it. In my eyes we are doing nothing wrong because we are faithful and are intentions are good. Its either we stay together and keep trying to find someone to marry us or we are seperated and he is going out with different girls who he doesnt love while he is married overseas. But as far as the above comment for confused bewty, it really depends on you two relationship and how close you are with him. I know the bond I have with mines is strong that is why i am still here. But i felt the pain you did too. I never spoke to the other lady and i dont think she knows but in your case, try asking him how he feels. is he unhappy with her or why is he still there with so many kids? If she already knows about you and you spoke to her and he is not doing anything I would leave. Because its not a secret anymore so what is he waiting for? My situation is that no one knows that is why its a secret but if I knew that someone will do something bad to him I would leave just for his safety. But i would stay if that is not a big deal. In my opinion talk to him and if he keeps waiting you should leave. maybe this will open his eyes and see either he misses you and will do anything to get you back or not. He is just comfortable and unless you take him out of his safety zone he will not change. I had to do that to really show mines I am serious that is why we are together trying to find someone to help marry us
Sister Muslimah,
You need to either marry this man or let him go. It is your choice if you stay with him, but it does not matter that in your eyes you are doing nothing wrong because you are faithful and are intentions are good because in Allah's eyes you are committing a big sin no matter how good your intentions are. Allah's rules are for everyone to follow, including those who feel as if they will never go to the wrong direction. I am sorry but this is the truth.Tell him straight up if he wants to marry you, if he does want to get married but I wouldn't recommend it because of his other wife, you do not know how she is or if you will adjust, but its better than being in a relationship without marriage. If he does not want to marry you or he keeps avoiding this question then you need to cut off all contact with him. If you don't be prepared for heartache for a long time.
You say that you don't want him to go out with other women while his wife is overseas but that is exactly what he is doing with you since you both are not married. Maybe he won't like those other women but if he is a good Muslim man he will not date them. You said "if I knew that someone will do something bad to him I would leave just for his safety. But i would stay if that is not a big deal."
It IS a big deal my dear sister, you are committing a big sin! If you already made a choice to leave for his safety, why not leave for his & your safety in the hereafter? You are not going to let him go because you fear for his safety but what about his safety when he is being punished by Allah because of your forbidden relationship? What about your own safety in the Aakhira? Did you know that when the day comes you will not even remember your strong feelings for him?
It is better to suffer for a while in this life than to suffer for eternity in the next. Please excuse me if I have offended you in anyway, I am just trying to help. This may not be the answer you have been looking for but it is the truth & sometimes I don't like the truth either but I have to accept it also.
salam sister,
while i have a lot to say, i'll keep it brief.
Trust me, you dont want to be with a man who cheats on his wife with you. You'll end up being unhappy.
A proper musilim man would not date you in the first place especially for sooooo long. you are merely feeding his desires. One thing i know about men is they ALWAY do what they want to do irrespective of how their wives feel. if he wants to marry you he would have loong ago irrespective of his wife's opinion on polygamy. Take a look at SOUL's comments - Men find it hard to understand how polygamy pains us and as such still go ahead and do it even when it is not ABSOLUTELY essential. Pls note - While I dont like polygamy, I am not against it as its from Allah but as i see it a prescription for certain conditions. Its not a 'PILL' for anyone to pop if not necessary otherwise it merely causes chaos.
A lot of men will keep you for as long as you are happy to stay around. Women need to stand up for themselves and decide what they want out of life. I have recenlty found the courage to leave an abusive marraige after 9 years of living as an abandoned wife with kids. The crap we take from these men!
Salaams Confused Bewty
Congradulations for converting to Islam keep turning yourself towards allah and i hope you end up more happy then you are already now my sincere apologies to you.
I am very sorry for the pain you are feeling. I am going to be straight with you this man is using you while dating you secretly he been using you for one thing, he dont even care or give a damn about you cant you see he is using excuses after excuse why you wasting your time on this weak of an apple?. If he was serious he would have never kept you secret as soul commented men are allowed upto 4 wives. So why didnt this guy make an honest woman out of you from day one not waiting 5 long years. Sister you should have walked no man deserves a woman like you i am sorry but this is the truth why you letting this losser control you and trash your confidance where he can keep you. Cant you see what he is doing to you and your not even happy. I feel really sorry for you maybe if you both were honest from day one then yes you would have been his secod wife but the fact your lying with him and carrying on with a haraam relatiionship then this is notgood either in fact a major sin. Leave him if he has not got the balls to stand up for you now can you imange what he will tell his first wife? Can you be sure he will marry you i am sorry to me it is one lime excuse after excuse. Wish you the best w/salaams.