Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to marry a lady who is divorced

The Successful Marriage

Assalamo alaikum...

I am a student, studying in University & this is basically my last year, second last semester left for my graduation. I am here to seek some opinion or more specifically a proper opinion from a sister/brother about marrying a girl.

When I was in the 2nd semester of my university study life, we met & that was the start of my good wills and success not even in studies but also in every further responsibility handling that I was assigned with from my parents as well as university side. We were good friends, then became best ones, shared each & everything, locations & all the thoughts, the open-mindedness was the thing that I became aware of. It was a good starting & rather than being a successful person in life, I was totally convinced towards the prayers because she is a Muslim girl & in every aspect, I found her to be best at praying. Namaz & following Sunnah became my foremost priorities. We have had enough sharing of each & every thought.

After our relation of 1 year, I came to know that she was going to have a heart surgery, as there was a problem of clotting factor in veins that was affecting her. And the most amazing & surprising thing was, she was disappointed on something that I hadn't done, I was thinking this is not good, but after some time, when she was in the other city & was inside the ward waiting for the Dr. , she called me & told me the whole situation. I felt much & started praying for no less than begging from ALLAH ALMIGHTY. That moment, I came to know from some of her cousin that when Dr. was applying anesthesia to her, she was just calling my name loudly as some of her cousins willing to propose for her became active in searching me for sometime. Her operation ended after 6 hours from then to midnight. It was a month of Ramazan & Reciting & begging for her life was, I can't express what I became at that time. Well, ALHAMDOLILLAH, she is alive & living like she a charm.

The thing I actually came to know was, at the second day when she was hospitalized. She asked me of confessing something. After the discharge, when she returned back to hometown, she told me that she was divorced, married for 4 years & had two baby girls. It made me surprised as if she was never of the opinion to marry to a person but at some point when I asked her, she just said "If I got enough life from ALLAH ALMIGHTY, we'll meet like partners". Then she told me each & everything. I was just in a totally different situation, thinking of her caring & charming attitude, but realized that there could be something curious behind this happening. It was a matter of fact that she told me, that person she married was unable to pay respect that a wife needs. She was totally mis-obeyed   and was harmed with some materials, even her mother-in-law was involved in such stupid happening. Even her two babies were taken by power of the law & were given to the husband at that time.

At the time of this hearing, she ended up saying, I had a past & if you & your family are agreed upon, than you can marry. Otherwise, I can't live that life of a dead person who confirms the real-life actions by residing the living facts behind. She is 10 years elder than me, but at time of divorce, due to torture from the other family, she got a brain stroke that made her embarrassed and in the meantime, she lost much of her memory. When we even actually talk with each other, she is unable to make me think that she is elder, as the brain sensitivity & other factors while conversation as well as decision of life make me realize that she has some of her thinking portion left as unwanted or she is unable to remember those days. She is a good student & still going to touch the peaks just by hard work.

My question is actually, her parents are looking for a person to marry her. Some of her siblings know me as they met me. My mother does know about her as she met her & it was a good conversation but I haven't actually shared with my mother about making her my life partner. The main problem arises as I haven't got graduated as I don't have a job & I can't say for the future as this fate is in ALLAH ALMIGHTY's Hands & I am unable to make further decision. I do have a business that is totally of my parents & I am guaranteed to join that business after sometime as I wish to do some job & want to learn new things, as well as get some real-life experiences. But the thing that actually made me curious is, my parents have a strong belief in me. I have been a good son for both of my parents. I even use my parents opinion in every decision, but this was the first decision that I got to know when we started feeling for us. It do have some much further facts, as I have shared some of the main things to make you aware. But I fear of the thing that if I share this with my parents, maybe I'll lost their trust in me or simply they'll deny after hearing this fact. I even fear of my parents as they haven't left any opportunity in making me civilized by providing me with the best they can, as my father is further a best teacher & taught me the life experiences he had.

So, my question is, what should I do? Who to tell? I can't lose my parents trust & in meanwhile I don't want to let her go because we have been with each other from the past 4 years, teaching each other, making decisions, help for each & the least extent of care, even crying at some moments. We had fights, gossips, tears, each and everything. If I am told to trust someone after my parents, I'll probably go for her. She hasn't hid any of the things for me, as I am of the opinion that liking & loving someone doesn't makes you be a detective in their life that each moment that happens should be known, but it is a matter of trust if someone wants to share.

I think you people might got a comment saying "If he dares to tell this thing on the web (probably to everyone), then what thing makes him to fear from parents?" This is the basic thing that my elder brothers & sisters will realize after reading the above 5th paragraph that I had shared. I need opinion to convince my parents. It is the main basic factor to tell them that our Prophet (P.B.U.H.) set an outstanding example for us. But my parents got a lifetime experience, they needs to be convinced for a certain thing. I even go for Istikhara by myself as I read in this precious website but I want opinion from you people. I even promise to withstand each & every moment of the future life-span & I know once she came in my life, my parents will probably care for her. Moreover, I have been told by her to ask my parents (or more specifically to convince them) to go & see her. I am much confused, even I am using my proper thinking over to check for a consistency.. I need opinions..

Looking forward for opinions.

ahmad_khokar

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10 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    It sounds as though you and this woman have been through a lot together; I hope that her health has improved inshaAllah.

    If you wish to have a halal relationship with each other and get married, then it would be best for your parents to be involved. If your mother has already met her and got on well with her, then she may be expecting you to say you wish to marry this woman. If your parents have concerns about marrying a divorcee... well, our Beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) married divorced women and widows, so it is entirely acceptable for Muslims today to marry people who have previously been married. If they are worried about her being older, remind them that Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) was older than The Prophet (peace be upon him).

    Please, though, remember that you and the woman you wish to marry are not mahram to each other until nikah is done. Going through so much already may have brought you close, but does not mean you should disregard Islamic boundaries. The two of you should repent for any transgressions that have occurred, and ensure that from now on your interactions with each other are within Islamic limits.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. I have a question..

    Im not married but im looking forward to marry a widow or a poor girl Al'Humdu li'llah im financially strong im a industrialist by profession..

    The thing is i was just thinking that ALLAH has blessed me with wealth so can i marry 2 girls ?? Because im financially strong and i can support them completely. I know a girl who has a daughter her child is just 1.5 years she is a widow and she's facing tough financial crisis even she dont have money to feed her daughter.

    She's a lovely girl a perfect house wife and a perfect life partner my tears fall out when she tells me "My daughter asks me everyday where is my father?"

    My parents have agreed with their hearts because they personally know her but my father wish is i should marry my cousin she's a pretty girl too..

    So my queston is can i marry 2 girls without telling the 2nd wife that im already married to a widow ? (My 1st priority is the widow)

    • Salaams,

      Being wealthy in and of itself is not enough to determine that you will be a suitable husband of two wives. There are many other factors to consider besides money. But to answer your question briefly, you must tell any prospective second wife that you are aleady married. Anything less is fraud, and the woman would be mistakenly believing she is marrying into monogamy when she isn't. I tend to think that if you are considering entering polygamy in such a deceptive way, you would not be a suitable person to be managing two households and you would be better off focusing on just one wife. Besides, why would you need to take another wife, just because you first married a widow? Is the widow not good enough for you as she is?

      If you want further advice, please search our archives as we have already had several readers ask about this issue, or log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • talha, lying and deception are sins in Islam. If you want to marry a second wife, be open and honest about it. If you cannot do it honestly, then don't do it at all.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother Syed Talha Ahmed,

      You may be financially secured, but that's not enough. You need to be emotionally secured too. You do not have any experience about taking care of one woman yet, let alone two women. So do not rush in thinking about a polygamous marriage until after you have faced the reality of a monogamous marriage and have had enough experience for a while first. Plus the first woman you want to marry has a little daughter and she needs a father (as you mentioned), and you are willing to be there for her as her father, for the sake of Allah, right?

      You seem to have a good intention towards both the woman and her daughter, so why not do the good thing perfectly by given them much of your time, for the sake of Allah? The Prophet (s.a.w.s) has advised us to perfect the good things we do. The Prophet (s.a.w.s) said, “Verily, Allah loves that when anyone of you does a job he should perfect it” (Al-Bayhaqi).

      If you insist on two wives, then you must inform each wife about the other. This is if you want to build a strong marriage relationship that is free from the basis of deception. When you deceive once, it will lead you to continue lying to your wives for so long, and each lie can open doors to many lies, which could lead the heart to become very weak. When the heart becomes weak it lacks the light of Taqwa and therefore becomes the center point of all sort of evils due to it darkness.

      However, even if you say the truth later on in the middle of the marriage (or if they found out the truth), it may be hard for your wives to trust you in many issues and then you will have to spend the rest of your life trying to build a new trust between you and your wives.

      So think about this very well, and then do the right thing from the beginning, lest you regret it later.

      Hope this helps inshaAllah.

    • Assalam alaikum Br,

      I believe that financial responsibility is very important for a man to consider when he is deciding to marry, but I think it is also important to remember that a woman, prior to being married is the financial responsibility of her father's. The way I see it, if the basic finances of a woman (be it daughter, wife, mother) are the responsibility of men, then really why does a woman need to get married if her basic necessities could be fulfilled by a father or brother? Being a husband is more than just providing shelter, food and clothes--you would have to provide the delicate emotional care for a woman that only a husband could do. If you start off your relationship as a husband and do it in a deceptive way, you would have torn that bond before it had a chance to become strong. If you truly truly feel strongly about marrying more than one wife, be open about it. Never discuss one relationship with the other wife, Keep separate residences for them and be sensitive in how you deal with their feelings--this would be priceless and worth something more than what a dollar could buy.

  3. Jazak'ALLAH everyone...

    All of you (who commented above) this helped me alot..

    Al'Humdulillah i offer 5 times salah.. ALLAH has blessed me with everything. As long as my opinion for two wifes i can give them both their houses and can fulfill there every need financially and can give them time equally..

    My point is u guys know better majority of girls dont want to marry a guy who is already married they want their husband just for them they can't share with someone else. I heard in a jumma khut'bah the imam said "Spending on your family is a good deed the more u spend on your family the more u get deed".

    Everyday 1 thought scares me "On the judgement day ALLAH will ask me u earned so much. Where did u spend it ?" and this thought won't let me sleep.

    I give zakat and i give half of my income in edhi and salani and still ALLAH is blessing me i spend alot on my parents and siblings but still i dont get empty it just keep coming.

    We are pure syed's and in our family marriages are done only with syed's not except them!! My father wish is to marry his cousin's daughter but when i think of that widow girl and her daughter my tears fall out that girl is in great crisis she got divorced because her husband was selling her and her daughter in the prostitute business at that time her daughter was of just 4 months. Can you imagine ??

    I cannot deny my father's wish on the other hand i cannot ignore that widow.. So is it a sin to lie just to give a new life and all the desires that a (widow) girl wants ? A child gets a father who is just trying to survive alone ? The widow gave me the permission that i can have a 2nd wife too she believe's in me that i can be a good father and a good husband and can maintain equality but 2nd girl (My father cousins daughter) won't agree on this she likes me and she want's me all to only her but i can't ignore the needy one.

    Need a strong islamic advice

    • In fact, pure syeds do not marry only syeds. If they were marrying only syeds, then no one living far away from Maccah and Madinah would have been able to call themselves syeds today.

      I even heard that some of my grandparents were called syeds too, but that doesn't make me feel superior over others, and plus I personally do not believe in such things at all, since no one can really prove it.

      If you are going to marry the two women while having the believe in your heart that one is superior over the other due to her being syedah, then I'd advise you to marry only the one you call syedah, in order to prevent future conflicts between the two wives.

      This could be counted as one of the main reasons why the Prophet (s.a.w.s) prevented his daughter Fatimah (r.a), to be in a polygamous marriage, where the other woman's father was known as the enemy of Allah, and he was even cursed by Allah in the Holy Quran. Just imagine, if conflicts arise between the two wives (as it is in the nature of women sometimes), what sort of words do you think could be exchanged, especially when Fatimah (r.a) was not infallible? The Prophet (s.a.w.s) didn't want his daughter (Fatimah r.a) to commit any mistake that might affect her Iman, and then make others run away from Islam due to that. That is why he made it clear in his words (for a reason) that "the daughter of the enemy of Allah can never be in the same house with the daughter of the messenger of Allah (s.a.w.s)".

      So in the case where the superiority of one woman over another has become known, where there can't really be any compromise, then the best thing to do is to stick with one of the two women, probably the one your heart believes is the best. If you want to marry the two women, then your heart must be able to believe that the two women are equal, and that there is no superiority over one another except by Taqwa. If you view them this way and then make it clear to the second woman and she accepts it, the marriage will be in the safe side inshaAllah.

      Now, you are thinking of the widow and her daughter as low people. This will not help you to complete your initial good intention, until you give up the syed thoughts.

      We should always, marry for the sake of Allah and not for the sake of our family. It seems to me that, your marriage to the widow would be more nearer to be for the sake of Allah than the second woman.

      You said, "The widow gave me the permission that i can have a 2nd wife too she believe's in me that i can be a good father and a good husband and can maintain equality but 2nd girl (My father cousins daughter) won't agree on this she likes me and she want's me all to only her but i can't ignore the needy one."

      In fact, I am in the same situation like you. I married a widow with children. She trusts that I can maintain equality, and I always enjoy the trust that she gives me. Her trust for me has helped me to be honest about my marriage with her wherever I am, and I do not care whatever. Even, if I ever changed my mind someday to take a second wife, I won't hide anything about my first marriage to the second woman, and I won't care even if she rejects me, because in fact there are other interesting things that I could engage my free times in without a second wife.

      If you are thinking of doing good with your wealth for the sake of Allah (swt), there are really many places that you can offer sadaqah. You can donate to a masjid's projects, build a school or hospital for Muslims and humanity or establish a charitable foundation to help the needy in your country or in any part of the world (like Syria currently). In fact, if you are really serious about doing good with your health and wealth for the sake of Allah, you can do so without marrying two wives.

      Anyway, do not forget to pray Salatul-Istikharah.

  4. Jazak'ALLAH

    Righteous woman is better than a superior minded woman.
    I think i made my choice.

    I'll go with the widow 🙂
    May ALLAH bless us all.

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