I want to marry boyfriend but mother wants me to keep options open
I am a 20 year old Muslim Girl..and I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 2years. He is 22 years old and a Muslim too know what I did was haraam and we ended up in commiting zina and lost our virginity to each other once even though deep in my heart I didn’t want to do it. But somehow at the moment I lost track of what was right and wrong.In short I sinned.
I regretted it ever since and promised we will never do it.Its been 5 months since I decided to redeem myself and ask forgiveness. I sincerely want us to be married because we love each other and care about each other. Both of us had discussed the possibilities of our future.
He is the youngest male in his family and is person of good character and comes from a good Muslim family. His brothers and parents are devout muslims.He often corrects me when I am wrong. Tells me to pray 5 times daily, stop listening to music etc and I tried to change myself into a better person. However it seems he can’t control his feelings for me due to which we decided never to meet each other alone lest we sin again.
We want to marry but we are facing problems. His family wants the older two brothers married first before he can marry. And sadly his father passed away a week ago.
Meanwhile my mother knew about our talking with each other but she is not aware of the sin we committed. I don’t want to break her heart. I told her about him and she said she will consider him only if he comes to the house with a proper proposal and agrees to performing Nikah at least.
My mother doesn’t trust him because she hasn’t met him yet. She said there are many guys out there who pretend to be sincere and then back off from marrying. She wants to keep my options for me due to which she has started looking for eligible suitors for me.
I am on the other hand scared I cant imagine being with another man except him and he is the only guy I ever talked with.
Please advice me what should I do? If I need to do Isthikarah how should I do it properly?
- Fallen Angel110
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Salaam dear sister.
Please scroll to the top of the page and click on the link on istikhaarah questions and answers. This should give you all the information you need InshaAllah. Just to clarify Istikhaarah is NOT about dream interpretation - its about asking Allah to guide you towards what is best for you.
It will be difficult to get the ball rolling for marriage at this time as his father just passed away so its a sensitive issue. You will both need to be patient, rest assured if you are good for one another Allah will open doors for you to be together. While you are waiting keep necessary contact within islamic boundaries so don't meet alone and if you do meet for necessity. Also do not talk on the phone etc. It will be difficult.
When appropriate, it may be a good idea to get someone who is pious and respected (an elder or an imam maybe) to speak to his family. I know culturally it is not seen as good for younger brothers to marry before older brothers but islamically this is not the case. It is less important culturally now. Maybe propose you both do nikah (with family involvement of course) in order to make things halal. These barriers placed on us by family only increase the risk of sin. If his mother is close to deen, maybe leave a related hadith/ayah where his mother can see it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzK4FvwDuSo Baba Ali - Racism and Pride
On another note - do not tell your mother about the sin. Conceal it. Allah swt hides our sins for us and we must hide our sins and the sins of others. So do not tell anyone about it - our sins are between us and Allah swt.
You can both try your best, but there is no magic fix I am afraid - you cannot force someone to change their views. But gently educating them about Islam and about the importance of pleasing Allah, not pleasing the people is important.
I apologise I havent answered your question fully. InshaAllah some readers and editors will shed some more light for you dear sister
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Assalamu alaykum Sister,
Turn quickly in to repentance to Allah. He is the Forgiver of Sins, The Acceptor of Repentance.
I hope the guy has done the same and really regrets what happened in the slip of moments.
May Allah help you do good deeds and become a better Muslim each day, better than yesterday, Insha Allah.
Sister, Alhamdulillaah, I am happy to read your mother is atleast considering him if he comes with a proper proposal of nikah, this is a kind gesture from her, Alhamdulillaah.
So hasten on with this marriage. Tell the guy to convince his family to atleast a nikah. But before doing all this consider these points one more time : His Imaan, sincerity in repentance and commitment to deen, his akhlaaq, his work (earning) and other factors you have in mind.
Do not be blind in love and find yourself fallen in a ditch.
Allah's will is to bring out of darkenss to light those who turn to Him.
So hasten in to repentance, seek Allah's help, read much Qur'an and pray tahajjud if you can Insha Allah and ask the guy to convince his family to atlest come and have a nikah done with you in a quite ceremony. If you try to please Allah and culture together, it would be impossible at times. So please Allah and leave all bad things.
Do not keep in unneccessary contact with the guy if it does not lead to marriage. Consider all your priorities in life before going in for marriage, think much, think deep, seek Allah's help and guidance and make the best decision for yourself without doing any injustice to yourself or to anyone else.
Hope this helps.
Salaam.