Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Want to marry sikh boyfriend but my feelings are torn.

Assalamoalikum
indian cultural wedding

I am a muslim girl and I'm in a relationship with a non muslim man. I know that it is unlawful for a muslim girl to marry outside her religion but to eradicate my confusion of why muslim men are allowed to marry non-muslim women but women are forbidden, I've done my research and I came across this website which impressed me.

Among all of the reasons other scholars have written most of them are that since Islam allows non-muslim women to practise their own religion and can guarantee the religious freedom of christian, jewish women it is permissible for a man to marry christian, jew women whereas other religions will definitely not respect islam prevent the wife from practising her religion, and this will cause problems in the couples married life and since islam holds man as the main care taker of the family and the guardian and the head, he can control his wife, whereas wife cannot control her husband.Eventually she will have to mould herself to fulfill his demands even if it means compromising her religion and faith in order to save their marriage.

The other perspective was that the non muslim guy may tell the muslim girl to do things that are against her religion eg: not letting her pray, not letting her fast and many more. So I just wanted to ask that what if none of these apply to my case. I know my bf well and he won't, he'll never prevent me from practising my religion or praying or fasting. He respects my faith.

How can islam say that only muslim men will respect christian, jew women but non muslim men cannot respect islam women? What if they do, they don't form a barrier and put her in any situation which will make her compromise her faith in any way? What if they stay peacefully? I know this is against the shariah but as far as I know, the reasons due to which God made it haram are not an issue for me then does this mean that this marriage will not be haram?

We have discussed about him converting to Islam too many times before, and he also agrees to it but I feel that if he converts, he'll not wholly convert for islam. I can surely convince him even if it takes all my life and I understand that converting faith is a long learning process and it takes too much time and patience and effort and I’m ready to do it for him. Even if he doesn’t marry me I would still want him to at least try to understand Islam and look at it from a whole new different perspective, because I sincerely want him to follow the right path, that’s because I love him so I fear that he will just convert in order to marry me and so I have no guarantee if he goes back to sikhism, I don’t want this to happen. I also don't want to force him to do something that he doesn't want to do and just for the sake of marriage.

This is too hard for me to digest. I can never change my religion then why should I force someone to? The other perspective is kids. We have both agreed that kids will be raised in an islamic environment but again I can't even force my kids to obey islam can I? I'll try my level best to give them the best knowledge I can and I'm sure they'll listen to me but still something inside of me keeps on crying. I can't live without him and I can't be with him.

I'm in such a miserable situation that I find no way out. I love him very much and he loves me too. He says he will convert and he doesn't care what he has to do to get me but I feel that I'm asking him for too much. Please give me any advice on how to relieve myself from this torture. All I know at this stage is that I can't live without him and I'm torn apart...between the love of my life and my faith. What do I choose?

-g.griffith

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44 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    May Allah guide you and reward you for your keenness to seek advice.

    BEWARE ! Yes, beware of opinions of people you may get here which are their "own" desires and not at all a part of Islam. They will tell you go for it, all religion teach the same etc. these are their desires, they follow only a guess and a guess can never take place of the Truth.

    Sister, Insha Allah I will write here to you as I would to, to my blood sister:

    When you were in your mother's womb, could you live without him? Yes. You could.
    When you were born in this world, could you live without him? Yes. You could.
    When you were a small kid, could you live without him? Yes. You could.
    When you grew up as a girl, could you live without him? Yes. You could.
    When you attained your teens, could you live without him? Yes. You could.

    So when you could live all years of your life when he was not involved, this means you can live healthily without him being involved again.

    You may try it. It is very easy if you keep Allah in your mind and remove him from there.

    Please read the Qur'an sister. Please. Know for yourself what a Muslim should be like. What Allah commands muslims to do? What are the consequences of disobeying Allah?

    When Allah says something, His slaves say: We hear and we obey.

    Islam is not submission to scholars. Islam is submission to Allah.

    They may explain or try to explain. Your submission should ultimately be to Allah.

    If you are a Muslim and you believe in Allah to be your God and you believe Him to the be the All Knowing, All Wise, do you think He who created the heavens and the earth would constitute a law just for play? Or for some Muslims and not for others? Allah's wisdom is infinite and being Muslims we have to Obey to His command.

    Was the Prophet more knowing than you and me in matters of Islam? Of course he was. Yet he had to Obey Allah, there is no choice.

    When death comes, can you stop it? No you can't.

    On the Day of Qiyamah, those who disobeyed Allah and what His Messengers brough of His Message, will have a tough time.

    So be prepared if you choose a way other than Allah's way.

    Allah says in Surah Baqarah:
    221. Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you. These invite unto the Fire, and Allah inviteth unto the Garden, and unto forgiveness by His grace, and expoundeth thus His revelations to mankind that haply they may remember.

    WHAT BIG INSULT CAN YOU GIVE TO ALLAH BEING A MUSLIM AND YET DISOBEYING HIM OPENLY WHEN HE HAS LAID DOWN HIS "COMMAND" IN PLAIN TERMS?

    Fear Allah ! O Sister ! Fear Allah and break this relationship. Being a Muslim means a big thing. It means to submit to Allah and not to our desires. Desires lead you astray from the path of Allah.

    HOW WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO CALL YOURSELF A MUSLIM AFTER DENYING ALLAH'S JUDGMENT?
    Give it a thought sister. Respect Allah, fear Him, His Might, His revelations are not a joke. They are clear cut guidelines and limits imposed on Muslims to show them a way to the Garden of Paradise and not the path of Hell.

    115. And whoso opposeth the messenger after the guidance (of Allah) hath been manifested unto him, and followeth other than the believer's way, We appoint for him that unto which he himself hath turned, and expose him unto hell a hapless journey's end!
    116. Lo! Allah pardoneth not that partners should be ascribed unto him. He pardoneth all save that to whom He will. Whoso ascribeth partners unto Allah hath wandered far astray. - Surah An Nisaa.

    And do you know something? Making your "desire" as your God instead of Allah is as good as ascribing a partner to Allah. So fear Allah and abstain from following your desires. But follow the truth.

    23. Hast thou seen him who maketh his desire his god, and Allah sendeth him astray purposely, and sealeth up his hearing and his heart, and setteth on his sight a covering? Then who will lead him after Allah (hath condemned him)? Will ye not then heed? - Surah Al Jathiya.

    Sister, turn to Allah in repentance. Do not continue to be living in this sin of being in a relationship with a man without marriage and that too a non Muslim. May Allah forgive you sister, stop it right away for your own good in aakhirah. No helper will be able to help then.

    17. Ah, what will convey unto thee what the Day of Judgment is!
    18. Again, what will convey unto thee what the Day of Judgment is!
    19. A day on which no soul hath power at all for any (other) soul. The (absolute) command on that day is Allah's
    . - Surah Infitar.

    Allah says in Surah Az Zumar:

    53. Say: My slaves who have been prodigal to their own hurt! Despair not of the mercy of Allah, Who forgiveth all sins. He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.

    So turn to Allah quickly before any worse thing comes upon you. I warn you, if you pay heed, Alhamdulillaah, if you don't, Allah knows best the consequences of going against His commands.

    Sister, there is this famous narrative of the tribe of Thamud repeated in the Qur'an again and again, one of which is in Surah Ash Shams, a Surah full of wisdom and fear of Allah:

    Insha Allah, if you pay heed to the meanings you will understand my above points:

    1. By the sun and his brightness,
    2. And the moon when she followeth him,
    3. And the day when it revealeth him,
    4. And the night when it enshroudeth him,
    5. And the heaven and Him who built it,
    6. And the earth and Him who spread it,
    7. And a soul and Him who perfected it
    8. And inspired it (with conscience of) what is wrong for it and (what is) right for it.
    9. He is indeed successful who causeth it to grow,
    10. And he is indeed a failure who stunteth it.
    11. (The tribe of) Thamud denied (the truth) in their rebellious pride.
    12. When the basest of them broke forth
    13. And the messenger of Allah said: It is the she camel of Allah, so let her drink!
    14. But they denied him, and they hamstrung her, so Allah doomed them for their sin and razed (their dwellings).
    15. He dreadeth not the sequel (of events).
    - Surah Ash Shams.

    When anyone denies the Messages of Allah brought by His Messenger and continues to do sins in pride without any repentance, Allah sends punishment and He does not fear the consequences.

    We should fear the consequences of our actions, and not Allah. He has no fear of "what will happen". He is Allah, Al Jabbar, Al Mutakkabir.

    Sister, fear Allah, leave this relation. Build up your iimaan, build up the foundations of Islam in you. Take up the Qur'an and begin your journey in to Islam and seek refuge of Allah from Shaytaan and his whispers.

    Salaam,
    Your brother,
    Munib.

    • Salaam,

      I have to disagree upon a point. Idolators in reference to a sikh is incorrect. The problem with our ummah is we think other faiths do not believe like us. Shame on us to judge others. SIkhs believe in one God. I have had many conversations with my sikh friends and really, that faith has a lot of islamic principles.

      I understand that the rules are there, however, do not stereotype a whole group as idolators when they are not. Muslims need to expand and understand Allah is limitless and he created each one of us, both muslims and non-muslims.

      • Assalamu alaykum Zayna,

        I suggest you take up the Qur'an and consider who is a Muslim and who is a non Muslim. We are not here to analyze if people of 10000 faiths are in question, our only duty is to see whether a person is a Muslim or not. If yes, we encourage marriage between two Muslims in halaal ways, if no, we discourage it, we warn of the consquences of such actions in plain terms.

        A person who makes his "desire" his God instead of Allah is also doing Shirk, polytheism.

        A person who does not follow Islam comes in the category of idol worship by following his desires instead of obeying Allah, whereby he shows no submission to Allah, but submission to his desires. He denies the Truth and turns away from it. What can such one be called?

        What is Islam? Islam in short is to submit oneself to Allah.

        Sikh beliefs are not a part of Islam. They may have Islamic principles, but ultimately what they do is not Islam. Islamrequires submission to Allah. They have their gurus in between, they have mixed beliefs, do they establish salaat in gurudwara? Do they give zakat? Do they fast in Ramadan? Do they perform Hajj? They have not yet submitted to Allah and His religion. They may have concepts of Hinduism and Christianity as well. Then what has a Muslim got to do with it?

        You may sound as "open minded" but remember when Allah says something, if you call yourself a Muslim, you have to obey it.

        85. And whoso seeketh as religion other than Al Islam it will not be accepted from him, and he will be a loser in the Hereafter. - Surah Al Imraan.

        I have nothing to argue with you. No human being has a right to follow his own desires when the Truth is manifest.

        Allah has revealed the Qur'an for mankind to believe and obey and not to constitute new religions based on their desires and the what their forefathers have done without knowledge or a Scripture giving Light.

        7. And who doth greater wrong than he who inventeth a lie against Allah when he is summoned unto Al Islam. And Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk. - Surah As Saff.

        She who questioned is a Muslim and the guy is Non Muslim. Allah has more right to be obeyed than opinions of free minded people which are nothing but guess work and a guess can never take place of the Truth.

        She will be making her way to the Fire easy if she continues to be in relation with the guy, if she stops and believes in Allah and repents, she would be making her way to the Paradise easy and Allah is not unaware of His slaves actions.

        Salaam,
        Your brother,
        Munib.

      • Salaam,

        It is true that Allah has created both muslims and non muslims but everyone was born muslim (which literally means he who submits to God) but their families, societies, etc. made them eventually choose to become non muslims.

        Sikh's may believe in one God, and may have islamic principles but they are not muslims. Such as Judaism which believes in one God and has islamic principles in it as well but they are called Jews and we are called Muslims for a reason. There is clearly a difference between us all even though we believe in one God.

        As for idolators, a muslim woman can not marry a non muslim PERIOD. Whether they worship one God or many, worship idols or nature, etc. is irrelevant. The one I had to let go believed in the same one God I did, but he was not muslim therefore I have to let him go regardless of how I felt for him because eventually our differences in our faiths will separate us.

        What we have to know is that God prefers muslim women AND men to marry muslims and that for the men, marrying a Christian or a Jew is just an option.

        Don't you know that by marrying a muslim man, muslimah's are being protected? To marry a man who is strong in his deen is a man who will not cheat, lie, steal, and hurt you out of fear of Allah. Can't you see the world around you and all the divorces, heartbreaks, unwanted pregnancies, etc. What makes you think you will be the exception if you get into a relationship like that when millions are going through it?

        I hope you think this through very well before getting into a relationship with a non muslim man, Allah knows everything about us and knows why we do the things we do and therefore he gave us laws we can hold on to, to separate us from the masses. To separate us from all the unnecessary drama so many people have to go through, including atleast one person you know, who decided not to follow Allah's laws.

        • Pepper
          I was married to a muslim man arranged by my parents and he lied, cheated, cherry picked Islam and used what he needed and used the excuse to beat me that the Quran allows him to do so and emotionally abused me for 4 full years. There was no love or mercy. Finally he divorced me and left me at my parents doorstep. So PLEASE for God's sake do not think that ALL muslim men are angels! And don't preach to us who have been hurt at the hands of muslims. I am a very practising muslim and have decided never to remarry because of the bad emotional trauma I went thru.

          • Salaam Seema,

            I am not saying all Muslim men are angels, I do not believe that any human being is an angel. What I am talking about are true Muslim men who fear God & try their best to follow what He commanded us to do. Your ex husband unfortunately does not fit into that category. I am extremely sorry that you had to go through this, but know that he WILL be judged by Allah(swt) over what he had done to you & I will keep you in my prayers.

            There are many men who use Islam for their own purposes. Many men claim to be Muslims but drink, go to clubs, sleep with many women, etc. These are the ones we should stay away from but unfortunately many Muslim women do not know of this until it is too late. But this can be any man from any faith, not only Islam. A Christian, Jewish, Hindu, etc. can be like this so it isn't the fault of the religion but it is the fault of the individual.

            To marry a man who is strong in his deen is a man who will not cheat, lie, steal, and hurt you out of fear of Allah. This is the truth.

            Once again I am sorry for what you have went through over a man who claim to be a Muslim. These people are called hypocrites & there home is at the lowest level of Hell in the hereafter. As painful as it is I hope as time passes by you heal, because I have gone through something similar & have been with him for 6+ years, but he was not a Muslim. I realized my mistake & repented but the pain is always there & will take time to get over. I am going to move on with my life & not let this affect my future marriage. It is your choice not to get married again, but please do not let a man who is not even a true Muslim ruin your view of the millions of Muslim men who are true to their religion.

            Once again I will pray for you & hope you recover from this painful moment of your life & I hope you keep me in your prayers as well. Always remember never to give up hope as this is nothing but a test for us all. May Allah reward you for being so patient.

            -Pepper

      • I wouldnt compare sikhism with islam !
        They believe in reincarnation and they also prostrate to their holy book which they call guru granth sahib the last of their guru's
        No offence to any religion but islam is unique monotheism it is the religion of the first man and first prophet Adam right down to the last prophet Muhammad PBUH and it is the only religion accepted Allah as he states in his noble book the holy Quran
        The only reason people of the book namely christians and jews enjoy abit of leniency in that muslim men are allowed to marry their women is out of respect for their prophets and messengers and that theor books were also divinely inspired which they corrupted later Allah states that in the Quran
        Can u say the sikh book is a revelation from God? Ofcourse not

  2. Salaams sister g.griffith

    Firstly thank you for sharing your story.

    Now into reality check sister do not ever change your religion. You are a Muslim be proud of that no love should make you compromise that, trust me it is not worth the hassle. I can tell you from experience people will change once they marry people, in order to get what they want I don’t care what anyone says from where I am standing this is really big issue and one I would never ever change myself for my identity and the love of allah. People do force others to change and one of them is religion and the fact is kids do matter you want them to be love, respected and mostly be given the same opportunities in life as you. I can tell you honestly leave this man and go after your own as you won’t have these conflicts or emotional issues to deal with this will be the easiest for you. What about your parents have you thought about that? Have you thought have your parents will feel about this or even your own sisters and brothers who may be affected by this? If your feelings are really torn by this then this indicates me the relationship already has strong issues and ones you can see so my advise leave him this wont work only bring shame on you and your family in the long run because a sikh person will never ever really except a Muslim and I see that everyday.

    Wish you the best and I hope you make the right choice for you ameen

    • Assalamu alaykum Sister Samina,

      I have seen a lot of people writing " I am proud to be a Muslim".

      What Pride?

      We should never be in pride for anything. Even of Islam. Allah loves the humble not the proud.

      Just remember Allah's grace upon you.

      We never know which action of ours would be displeasing to Allah and we would in a blink of an eye turn from firm believer to disbeliever.

      Maintain humility, take guard against Satan and ward off evil.

      Salaam,
      Your brother,
      Munib.

      • Salaams brother Muni
        I did not type the word pride. I typed proud I make this clearer to you what I mean is self respect, dignity, self worth of being a woman etc. I want this sister to remember these words but not to use this in any misconceptions. Every human is in this place for a reason not once I mention pride. If a muslim sister or brother uses the word pride then this indicates they know they are worth more than this and are at success what’s wrong with that they not using this to be any better than you. We has Muslims should all be good examples to each other especially helping the needy people and being true to them when offering advises. I rather say I am proud or have pride for my Allah than not having any feelings at all because that is my identify, it is who I am, it is in my blood to serve Allah not go against my sisters and brothers in Islam. Every human makes mistakes I know but not once I stand here any better than you every sister or brother should stand proud being Muslims and thrive to keep serving Allah because at the end it is Allah we have to answer to. I hope this makes sense to you w/salaams

      • Brother Munib, I think you are getting confused by the different meanings of the word pride. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) told us that the kind of pride that Allah hates is arrogance and rejection of Allah's word.

        However, when we say that we are proud to be Muslim, we only meant that we feel good about being Muslim, we are grateful, we are happy that Allah has guided us, we are not ashamed of our deen, we don't believe the lies they say about Islam, we are strong in our faith.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • As salam aliekum brother munib.

        I had recently read Surah Hood (Houd in English) and in that also came across the incedent of the people of Thamoud. Does the same incedent appear in Surah As Shams also?

        Surah Hood also tells about what happend to infidels during the Nooh (AS), Saleh (AS) and Shoaib (AS) period.

        Please clarify. I have one more doubt. When Allah the only God and worthy of worship and He is the only creator of the universe seen and unseen, then, in Qur'an why does He address himself in plural? i.e. Why does he say "We created....." and "I created......" ? Please clarify.

        As salam aliekum

        • I am deleting this entire thread of 20+ comments between Fatima and Munib. Sister Fatima, if you have a question then please log in and write your question as a separate post. Brother Munib, please keep your comments relevant to the question that was given by the author of the post.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • As salam aliekum brother wael.

            I am sorry. But I really wanted to save all the advice given by bother munib. Where can I find all that now? Please brother. I have already logged in and also written a question but it is pending. I am really sorry if there was a breach in the rules of this website. But really needed to save the conversation between me and brother munib. To read it if ever I am tempted by shaitan to turn to that guy. Please can you somehow email me all those conversations? Or atleast may I where can I find them now? Please brother.

            I am really sorry!

            Jazakallah...

            As salam aliekum!

          • I will email it all to you.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • As salam aliekum.

            Jazakallah brother. Let Allah bless u with His boundless mercy.

            As salam aliekum.

        • Assalamu alaykum Sister,

          Brother Wael is right. This place is for advice to the question posted by questioner and not individual discussions.

          Wait for your question to be posted. You may read my advices to other sisters in their posts. Insha Allah once your question is published, me and other brother and sisters will Insha Allah give you the best advices we can give.

          Salaam,
          Your brother.

          • Wailiekum as salam brother.

            Jazakallah for all your advice. Let Allah's boundless mercy descend on you.

            As salam aliekum

    • Yikes! I am always shocked by such interesting post where a person judges anothers actions based on their faith. To proclaim that a sikh person (or any non-muslim I suppose) can not accept another as a muslim is not just an inaccurate statement, but an unintelligent and self-arrogant one. We are not God or have powers to know ones intent. U know, my own aunt who lives in Jordan with a MUSLIM husband...he does not allow her to pray, or meet her family. What does one think of that? Seriously, this world is more compex and not so black and white as one thinks it is. Marriage is one thing, yes by our laws our women can not marry outside our faith. However, to stigmatize and legitimitize ones point as a general biased statement towards one group blows my mind. It is like saying then us muslims are all terrorists...hence, we dont accept anyone who is not muslim. *rolls her eyes*

      • Amen, sister! Someone here who sees my point of view....ONLY Allah can judge us....but we try to do His job...LOL

        • Yes Allah is the only one who can judge us but what is there to argue about when He has already set up His rules? If people do not want to follow His rule where he says that Muslim women can't marry outside of her faith then it's perfectly fine because it is your choice, but what do you think God will judge you for rejecting his Law? How can you reject what He has set up for us & then say only God can judge us when you should already know what the judgment will be.

          It is what it is. I wanted to marry my fiance who was a non muslim so bad, we have set up everything, even talked about kids, even made a post about it in this website, but I could not reject what God has put up for me. I could have easily married him & lived a happy life with him but lived with the fact that God has already judged me by my actions.

          Sister, we are not trying to play God, we are not trying to do His job, we are not trying to judge anyone. We are just reminding ourselves and you that we may not like these rules, but we still have to follow it. And if you are a true Muslim then you just have to follow it as well. It's not about what we think & what we want, our desires. It's about what Allah wants for us and what He ordered for us. If we reject what he had given us & haven't repented, then we should already know what our fate will be, whether we choose to accept it or just ignore it & keep saying "Only God can Judge" every time we do something or say something we know is against His law.

          -Pepper

  3. Salaam sister. Sorry to hear about the difficulties you are facing. I understand how difficult it must be to be torn, so I do sympathise with you dear sister.

    However, I am sorry but I cannot sugar-coat it for you. Irrespective of whether your boyfriend respects your right to practice religion or not - its not permissible for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man. Your nikah would be invalid, and even if you had a civil ceremony it would not be recognised in islam so too would be invalid. I am sorry but I cannot lie on this matter. Also it pre-marital relationships are also not permissible again for good reasons, so make tawbah for this and do not despair of Allahs mercy as long as you are sincere.

    I appreciate that you love him so hearing this is difficult for you, but we all need to realise that Allah swt created us and He knows whats best for us and what is bad for us more than anyone else. If He has made it haraam, it is for a good reason. The things he has forbidden are harmful to the invididual (S) or society. So think about things very carefully before you take any action. Do not let your feelings cloud your judgement. Unfortunately there are many cases of sisters in similar situations (but not necessarily with non-Muslims) who have managed to marry the good guy they loved and they have turned out not happy. I have know sisters/brothers who have married non-Muslims they fell in love with who were happy initially, but circumstances change, as does life, as do people and some have been left in unhappy marriages or divorced.

    What I am saying is you do not know the future and whats best for you so work on your relationship with Allah, turn to Allah in guidance. Ask Him for whats best for you and for you to be pleased with it. You are right that you cannot pressure or force him into Islam. If he wants to marry you, he must convert sincerely because he believes. If you are so insistent on marrying him, then I advise you to take a step back from this relationship - ensure that all contact is necessary and within islamic boundaries and encourage him to look into Islam himself. Ideally refer him to the masjid or a trusted pious brother. If he opens his heart to Islam, then Alhumdulilah - if not then you must accept that it cannot happen between you.

    I want to leave you some food for thought dear sister, as I understand it must be horrible to be torn. So think about it and realise that if something is leading you away from Islam and your Creator, no matter how happy it makes you, you will never be truly content. There is no happiness in the disobedience of Allah - there is no contentment. Marriage for the wrong reasons may also lack Barakah. So if you do not do salat, please do. Work to get closer to Allah and He will give you the solutions to the problems you face in life. If we follow His guidance we really are in a win-win situation. Also take care of yourself, be healthy - eat healthy and do yoga- this will help you with negative feelings.

    I pray that Allah swt gives you what is best for you my dear sister and makes you pleased with it!
    Ameen!
    Please forgive me if any of what I said was harsh
    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor
    x

    • There is no point in developing feeling for non-muslims . Remember that your religion is the most important thing . Humans come and go . Don't rely on humans for your delight . I am sure if you pray and ask Allah for a good muslim husband , you will find one .

      Good luck

  4. Sister my main advice is this...on ones journey great things will come and go. Consider him a beautiful entrance in your life and understand that Allah's plan is something we can not understand. It could be that you were his link for islamic knowledge...also it shows that the purity of tolerance and the hearts ability to love is limitless. However, we are living in this dunya and we have to accept and let go of things which do not fit our whole purpose.

    Pray for him...that is the best gift of love you can give him.

  5. Zayna like to follow her desires. So be it.

    g.griffith just try to follow the teachings of Islam and leave your desires aside

    probably God has better in store for you.

    I am also trying to learn about Islam. I think it makes sense.

  6. sat sri akal.....

    A very polite and warm hello to all of you.

    i am a sikh boy, i fell in love when i was 17 with a girl who is muslim she was 18 at that time, i loved her for 1 year but as i never had courage to tell her , i din't say anything,later i heard some muslim frnd of mine proped her n she said yes,i was like left with nothing, then one of my frnd told her about me, she agreed to be frnds , but just cannot see her with anyother guy .Just in a week she realized that her boyfrnd is already engaged with some other girl. so she broke up with him, n she said yes to me after some days,we use to talk long, she use to tell a lot about islam, n same i do telling about sikhism to her. we had many fights ,many tentions in home, but never broke up ...we made it to 4.5 years, i came to my last year of graduation, so worried for future, n stoped talking to her oftenly,,,several times i made her cry, she loved me so much , she was the girl i ever loved ,,,just because of my ignorence , she left me , n made a boyfrnd in her class....i cried , i did every thing i could , but she never came back, she did everything to hurt me...................................................i just know ( we humans are the creation of god n humanity is the biggest relegion) so love evry1 around you n god will show his love for you.................i remember her everynight....n still after all of this i love her n will always love her love u saana....................

    • Nirvair, sorry to hear about your painful experience, but a Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man, period. So it would not have worked out between you and her.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. u know u guys have some problem , u just think only ur relegion is the best, dude every relegion have its own values, so stop pretending that ur best. even if i would be a muslim i would have respect every relegion, but saying some1 relegion is like nothing they are lost is somewhat rude, i believe in humanity nothing else, n every human , wheather hindu, muslim,sikh,christian etc do come in humans , so i believe in humanity, i work for humans around me

    • Nirvair,

      You are right, we should respect other's religions. And Muslims are taught to respect other religions but that does not mean we have to believe they are right aswell. If you call yourself a supporter of the Labour Party or the Tory Party, that is because you believe in their policies and think they are the best. The same with religion, if a person calls himself a Muslim or Christian etc, it should be because he believes in the rules of that religion. If I had in doubt in my religion, I would not want to be known as a Muslim. I believe in Islam as the truth, hence yes I believe it is the best and most true religion. If you call yourself a Sikh but do not think it is the 'best' religion, why do you call yourself a Sikh. Perhaps it is just because you were born into that faith.

      As Muslims, we believe that our purpose in life is to worship Allah alone and that there is a Hereafter in which we will live eternally. Depending on our actions in this life, we will either go to Heaven or Hell. Therefore, we try to follow the guidance given to us by Allah through the Quran. Therefore our choices are influenced by this.

      Everyone's choices are determined by their aim in life. If your aim is to become a doctor, you will plan to study science and Medicine, as this will eventually allow you to qualify as a Doctor. Similarly, if you believe in a Hereafter and want to get to Heaven (and stay out of Hell), you will do what it takes to secure your place there.

      The question you need to ask yourself is this: What is your ultimate aim in life? Determine that, and then work backwards from there to make your plan with your aim in mind.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. @ lala u say people come n go, y u always think of after life, y dont u just live this life the people who come n go are we all around u, so loving them, getting there blessing is what god wants from,

    "LIVE THIS LIFE RATHER THEN KILLING UR DESIRES N HOUNORING UR RELEGION WITHOUT FULL HEART, "

  9. to the author... i am going through the same issues... i have not married yet actually, because im scared for some reason of what others might think... i didnt want others to find out, but they pushed me and they are considering me now as non muslim... they were very rude and mean, awful, and they didnt understand at all how i met my fiance (a sikh) actually. they are backbiting against me, saying things that arent true about my life, its awful.... my advice is to not let anyone change ur diin u r a muslim and he is a sikh, thats how it should stay. much luck to u

  10. Hi kelah.

    By others you mean? ure inlaws forced u to convert to sikhism or ure muslim family labelled u as a non muslim?

  11. AS Griffith Kela and any other readers. Often I like to say 'love' is a complicated emotion. As someone who had reached 28 and gotten married, and spend 10 years away from home (college+work) hundreds of miles away at a time and had remained chaste throughout my life, it was difficult sometimes. Not only do humans have physical needs, but you reach a point in life where you want to fill in that emotional gap with a partner. Now there halal are ways to do that

    1. The prohibition on Muslim women marrying non-Muslim men is not our words, the moderators opinions or anyone elses opinions or even the Prophet's opinion (there are prohibitions that came from Allah SWT that were 180 of the prophet's intent and actions ie praying for mushrikeen after death). These are rules prescribed by Allah SWT, Thinking "well Allah SWT might be a little lenient" is beyond the comprehension of anyone here or in this universe, we are not to judge. The ridiculous, emotional and psychological concept I saw throughout this thread is "but men can." Men can drink, go out be jerks to women, ruin their lives through pregnancy, do you want to also follow men like that? A gender battle isn't a justification for anything. Ever. So first, and lastly (and in the middle too) it is not up to us or even Allah SWT Messenger's to make halal what Allah SWT has made haram and vice versa. PERIOD.

    2. There are a million reasons that scholars and individuals can come up with for the prohibition on marriage for to a non-Muslim spouse. I think the biggest motivation is that Muslims should propogate their own values in their household. While I am not a fan of explaining this decision by the traditional ‘the Muslim man is the head of the household’ which sound patriarchal, I can’t really disprove it. I mean look at history, how many female dominated civilizations are there? We can argue about institiions, but what’s left out of this feminist dialogue is that women are physically nurterers of future generations, they imbue their values and when they are healing from childbirth they are fiscally and even physically dependent on dominant spouse.

    My historical opinion is that in the transition between Jahiliyah and al-Islam you have nascent Christian communities in the Middle East that practiced very close to al-Islam and there were even Christian groups in the Middle East that rejected the Nicean creed, trinity etc. That is to say they believed in tawheed which was the main value stressed in the earlier Muslim community and hence it was allowed. You might also notice that Christians at the time (albeit almost none today, including in the Middle East) had dietary laws. That is to say there was a very similar value system and way of life.

    How many Christians do you know that don't believe in the trinity and such shirk these days? None that I know of. How many Jews do you know who do not have bida' and believe in the Torat the way they see it in its original form, practically none (the only example I could think of are some Orthodox practing women, but how realistic is it to see an orthodox muslim man and orthodox jewish woman marry?). Also growing up in America where most Christians practice bida and have little knowledge of reality of the Bible in as much as church songs, I think its unrealistic to expect a Christian spouse to give Islamic tarbiyyeh to kids.

    Also, if one were to consider the typical notion that a Muslim man can marry a woman from ahl-al Kitab, do you realize that 99% of the relationships in which a Muslim man meets and 'falls in love' with a non-Muslim girl in the west are haram and do not follow al-Islam. The requirement for such a marriage is that those two people remain chaste with each other (and others in most cases) before marriage. But most of these people meet through dating, kissed, had an intimate relationship before marriage. This marriage is not prescribed by Islam and the vasty majority of cases don't fall under it. For the ladies and gentlemen who do such haram things with Muslims before marriage, can I ask you a question? Why would you want to ever marry a person who so easily discards such a fundamental part of their character? What would stop this person from discarding values like loyalty or trust in your potential marriage?

    So in short, I disagree with the notion that Muslim men can marry outside their faith, in addition to it being completely impractical maritally and for the Islamic upbringing of our kids to depend on a Christian spouse to do so. I have seen several attempts of men trying to raise their kids Muslims that ended with a divorce or kids who have no religious or cultural identity to speak of.

    3. I always bring this up point up, not out of wataniyah/asabiyah, but because of cultural differences in differences countries American Muslims vs British Muslims. Muslim communities in Europe and especially Asian communities in Britain have an unbelievable amount of cultural jahiliyyah. Let your kids meet their potential spouses in a halal way with a wali present! I feel like the reason why both Muslim girls and boys do these haram things and look outside of Islam for spouses is the extreme suffocation their parents put on them. There is no harm in meeting a spouse in a halal way. The flipside of that is you as Muslims, like everyone as civilians, HAVE TO know your rights. No one can force you into a marraige legally, islamically, ethically. NO MEANS NO. Unless your parents have an Islamic justification for why you shouldn't marry a spouse, involve the law if it gets to a point where you fear for your marital or physical rights. The ridiculous notion from a personal anecdote that someone offered in this thread after a failed arranged marriage is that "Muslim men aren't angels" I'm sorry to say, but if you didn't take the time out to know your spouse, verify his character through references (friends, friends or friends), how ridiculous could you be to justify a generalization about all Muslim men from your own personal experience?

    This is the problem right here. Backbiting and using all sorts of un-Islamic justifications for our actions and generalizations about Muslims. I read an article from an Assistant Professor from Germany about how Muslim American men were looking for younger lesser educated spouses. It was a COMPLETELY anecdotal article that didn’t reflect the realities of American Muslims, with which he barely kept contact. I was deeply offended by the image it projected about Muslim men, just like the one you would try to project in the situation above. It pushes Muslim youth away from amazing spouses. PS A gallup poll released http://muslimmatters.org/2009/03/13/muslim-americans-a-national-portrait-gallup-the-muslim-west-facts-project/ shows this is not the case at all and Muslim Ameriacn women are as educated as and earn just as much as their spouses. Long story short, don’t use anecdotes instead of independent evidence, it is akin to lying and sets about unrealistic expectations and distorts reality.

    4. The vast majority of my social circle are full of non-Muslims, but they are SO impressed by the way Muslims meet their spouses, how much they love each other, and the akhlaq we display, despite not confirming to the western standard of dating, showing love by public physical intimacy, etc. Also saving yourself for marriage not only has sentimental value that the couple shares but study has shown because physical relations are saved until, instead of thrown around and devalued, halal couples often have a better physical relationship (the poll I'm talking about was largely form non-Muslims but same values apply here...Muslims share a remarkable amount of values with the West, believe it or not...tarbiyaah is a human value) We do things halal because we have faith in Allah SWT, rationalism and wisdom come after. I remember reading about the 40 day rule for abortion of fetuses, because it is when the soul enters a baby. Do you know by the 40th day the vast majority of fetuses develop a distinct gender and character? That was a recent scientific discovery. What I'm saying is there is so much wisdom in things that we take for granted, trust in Allah SWT.

    5. Nirvair- this girl has boyfriends and you have girlfriends. Show me a place in the Quran Hadith or Guru Granth Sahib that this is allowed!? Both of you are compromising values fundamental to you so easily! Also why are you acting like this is something that is only special to Islam, as a Sikh you have the amrit and ‘Rahit Maryada’ Code of Conduct

    Second code: "ਸਿੱਖ ਦੀ ਪੁਤਰੀ ਦਾ ਵਿਆਹ ਸਿੱਖ ਨਾਲ ਹੀ ਹੋਵੇ।"
    Sikh should marry his daughter to a sikh only"

    Long story short. Don’t compromise your values for anyone. You should be accepted for who you are, you should accept your religion for what it is. Nothing in any of the posts on this site, in the Quran or in the hadith is so out of reach and farfetched that it doesn’t make sense. I realize we have a lot of misguidance and temptation growing up in the West and it could be confusing but let Islam be the guiding light. People come to it, people come back to it. It is a way of life, it is practical, it is respectful and it is awesome.

    An American boy

  12. "So in short, I disagree with the notion that Muslim men can marry outside their faith, in addition to it being completely impractical maritally and for the Islamic upbringing of our kids to depend on a Christian spouse to do so. I have seen several attempts of men trying to raise their kids Muslims that ended with a divorce or kids who have no religious or cultural identity to speak of. " Since everyone is offering anecdotes, I'd offer one here too. A girl I knew in college was half Kashmiri and half American Caucasian. The sort of mental stress that such a lack of tarbiyyeh and the appreciation she had for it later in life, was something that had a profound affect on her and really tore her for years.

  13. I need to edit without logging in? Is it possible?
    Also to the initial poster. End your relationship immediately. There is no need to develop more feelings for this person. It is impractical and ultimately haram. The sooner you end this the easier it will be, you've let it linger on for more than two months now

  14. MA khan..I read your long post n honestly speaking I think most of it was irrelevant to the topic discussed above. First of all I'm a practising muslim and I don't have any intimate relationship with this guy neither can I ever think of such a relationship before marriage. I know what laws Allah has set up for muslims. In my opinion the only reason why a muslim man is allowed to marry outside his religion and STRICTLY only marry the people of the book is that he has faith in the jesus(chiristians) and moses( jews) and as Islam respects marriage a muslim man who fears God will never ever force his spouse to convert. As a muslim he also respects both religions so it will wholly be his responsibility to save the marriage and not let it end up in divorce. As far as the tarbiyaah is concerned it is entirely upto the kids which religion they follow and it is encouraged if they follow islam. Islam does not tell us to forcefully convert someone . The only reason why he can marry people from these two faiths is that the marriage will be peaceful as a true muslim man will truly respect both faiths. Islam respects marriage and has always laid great emphasis on family. I agree with the point where you said that everything that everything that Allah says has wisdom in it. However according to Islamic law a woman can marry a convert. There is no place in the quran or the hadis which prohibits a muslim female to marry a convert. As being a muslim we have a duty to convey the message to non believers because it is our duty. The rest is upto them if they want to follow it or not. Islam respects marriage and the only reason laws like these exist is because in Islam marriage is the foundation of a healthy family. If two different faiths marry at some or another in their life they definitely will face hardships and face differences which may jeapardise their marriage and end up in a divorce. So to save the muslims from this situation Islam prohibits marrying outside faith. However I strongly disagree with the point that 99% Islamic marriages are safe. Divorces still happen in islamic couples wheather they are in the west or east or north or south. I don't understand how easily muslims can judge other muslims on behalf of their character, when they know nothing about them. This is wide misconception in the Islamic world these days, everyone thinks they are conveying the message of God. There are people living in some parts of the world who are muslims and they know their religion. You can never judge people and speak so bravely about their character wheather they are british muslims or american muslims I think a muslim is a muslim, and every muslim is answerable to God for his/her deeds. There are good and bad people all around the world.

    Regards
    g.griffith

  15. my name is sanna and i have been with my sikh bf for 7 yrs now and he wants to marry me but im not ready cos i feel the religion barrier is too much, he feels we will be ok and i can practice my religion but wants my kids to be sikh...i do not want this...i thing it will be too complicated and need to leave him...he is not ready to leave me and will expose me everywhere if i do so i cannot marry any1 else as i have been with him...what do i do????

    • sanna, please log in and write your question as a separate post. My short answer to you is that you cannot marry that man. It is absolutely forbidden. And it would be a huge sin to raise your children as Sikhs. You have no option except to break off your relationship with him completely. Make tawbah to Allah, and look for a good Muslim husband instead.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. 1st as a mulsim we believe, whatever is written in QURAN is true word of ALLAH.
    and ALLAH address majority of people not exceptional cases.

    if u want to marry it's ur choice and only thing/reality will show after marriage as after marriage things change.

    as per me after marriage will hard for u in terms of relations as well as religion.
    (how far human can tolerate such kind of things)

    ALLAH's love comes 1st so we should follow his words 1st. rest we can ask/take ALLAH's help to make things best for us. (dua-e-istakhara is best solution of ur problem)

    keep praying namaz e istakhara and u will see right path.
    if he will not good for u ALLAH will show u just have faith on ALLAH

  17. If he is ready to accept Islam, no problem if not leave him and repent to Allah and find another muslim guy only for marriage not for other thing, if you want good looking guy search good looking in your country but if you can't find him visit the countries like turkey, bosnia, albania, algeria, etc and i am guarantee you will find european looking muslim there.

  18. You will find out once you will die that what you should have chosen and then you will ask Allah one more chance that’s what Allah says everyone will ask one more chance but Allah will say it’s too late. He gave you brain to think. What kind love is that which is important then Allah and his messenger? Which is against the right path and is straight way to hell fire? What your kids ending up on Sikhism nauzbillah and you will make your generations to generations kafirs? You already in haram relationship bf/gf. You never know you will be alive tomorrow or after a second. What are you sacrificing and losing do you have any idea?

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