Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I wanted to marry a virgin, but I fear there won’t be any left

wedding night bed

assalamu alaikum.

Hi. Before asking any questions, I think it would be great if I share some background information, so that you guys can understand perfectly.

I am a 20+ year old male. I have never been religious in my life. I did lead a very sinful life (I ask forgiveness to Allah(swt)), but recently I realized how lucky I am to be a Muslim! And how beautiful and easy Islam is. Alhamdulillah.

Even though I led a sinful life, somehow I didn't like the idea of having sex with anyone except my future rightful wife. I got lots of opportunities but I always managed to avoid premarital sex (Alhamdulillah).  I always thought that my wife would be a virgin, so I must be a virgin too.

The fact I am worried about is, no one is a virgin after 15-18 (mostly), and  I am afraid that I won't marry ever if I don't find a women who is also a virgin.

Sometimes I think, what if my future wife wouldn't be a virgin? I think I would be devastated.

Now my questions are:

* Am I giving too much importance to this 'virginity' thing?  I tried to give up these thoughts, but I couldn't help them and I am really frustrated.

* Is there any indication in Quran or hadith about getting a virgin wife if you keep yourself a virgin (in this world)?

jazakullah.

May Allah(swt) guide and help us to be in the truthful and easiest path, Islam.

-al andalusia


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23 Responses »

  1. As-salamu alaykum brother. You must realize that you are insulting and slandering the majority of Muslim women by stating that none of them are virgins.

    I don't think it's unreasonable if you are a practicing Muslim and a virgin to expect the same in your future wife, Insha'Allah. And I believe that the average young Muslimah who is practicing Islam and has taqwa will be a virgin.

    If you meet someone promising, I think it's okay - once you've gotten the preliminary discussions out of the way - to go ahead and ask if she is a virgin. However, it must be done delicately to avoid offending her and her family. One way might be to have your mother ask the girl privately. But again, it must be done discreetly and politely.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I don't think he exactly stated that. He stated that most people 15-18 lose virginity. However he probably lives in America and that is the reason for the statistic.

      Not that Muslim women are free of it but still.

      If you are really worried, you can look in Muslim countries and try to find some of the woman who come from very traditional households.

      And I believe that the average young Muslimah who is practicing Islam and has taqwa will be a virgin.

      Agreed

      • How do you know that women in Muslim countries are not involved with men before your marriage?

        To insinuate that Muslim women in America transgress these limits more than the women in Muslim countries sounds inappropriate.

        To the OP,
        I don't think you can know the answer to this necessarily--I would say that do your best to find a good match. Let her know about your past and ask her about hers--when the time is right. Again, as Br. Wael said, be careful to not be offensive.

        May Allah find you a pious wife, Ameen.

        • Just cuz us girls live USA that doesn't mean we are not virgins, that is wrong to say. I heard girls back in there countries are worse then girls from USA or Europe .. They all have boyfriends too. It just depend on
          The girl you find just make sure she is from a good family too.

        • To insinuate that Muslim women in America transgress these limits more than the women in Muslim countries sounds inappropriate. - I agree with Saba.

  2. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    It is worrisome to me as well. I am a flawed human being but subhanAllah, I do not want to get married to a non-virgin! And it is recommended in the Sunnah to marry a virgin!

    May Allah forgive your sins and grant you a correct,upright woman who has haya and who is also a virgin.

    Even though a girl may have repented, I still want a virgin girl. It's natural to feel this way and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you feel.

    "* Is there any indication in Quran or hadith about getting a virgin wife if you keep yourself a virgin (in this world)?"

    I don't know of such a thing but make dua and you will get a chaste virgin Muslimah and an excellent marriage inshaa Allah.

    • Dear Brother,

      Walekum Salam

      I would like to say that you had a sinful past life but saved yourself from committing Zina because you “always thought that my wife would be a virgin, so I must be a virgin too.”. I commend you for not committing this sin of zina.
      But having said that, a sin has many types, you committed other sins but not Zina, some (say some Muslim women) may have done Zina but not other types of sins. Then where do they stand? Suppose if a woman loses her virginity due to rape or childhood sexual abuse but she is otherwise a good practicing Muslim, will it equals to Zina, will it be counted as her faults. Will she not deserve a good husband when she is on right path and practicing Islam??

      Is marriage just about having a virgin partner not righteous and religious person too?

      It is my personal view but I have seen around that mostly women who loses their virginity is due to their emotional bonding called love with the man they love. It happens mostly in some weak moments. Many of them surrender inspite of not feeling to have it done. (please do not think that I am trying to justify such women, Islam prohibits such thing and one should follow it) but my point is if some Muslim woman who somehow for whatever reasons committed this blunder, but realizes her grave mistake, gets on right path and practice Islam and wish to have a righteous husband to whom she will be faithful and loving but then will she not a chance to have so??

      Isn’t it a bitter fact (may not applicable to you but in genera(not all)l) that many Muslim boys(especially today) play with many girls but when it comes to marriage, they look for virgins only and if they get to know that their wife is not virgin and or had a past, they find themselves unable to forgive her, take her for marriage, even when they themselves have committed the same crime.

      You said “sometimes I think, what if my future wife wouldn't be a virgin? I think I would be devastated.” I feel you are giving too much importance to this 'virginity' thing as it will make you doubtful about your wife. I have heard sometimes it makes a man turn psycho. I pray to Allah (Swt) to give you a virgin wife.

      If everybody starts wishing/checking/discarding one another on basis of virginity, I afraid there wont be any marriage in this world.

      I don’t know if Islam even permits to ask the person if she/he is virgin or not? !!!

      About Quran or hadith mentioning about getting a virgin wife if you keep yourself a virgin (in this world), I am not sure of it (some scholar may answer it ) but I have heard that if you do good deeds here, you will get in hereafter.

      I am sorry if I hurt you or anyone with my above statements. I just expressed my personal views based on what i have seen around.

      Your sister.

      • "but my point is if some Muslim woman who somehow for whatever reasons committed this blunder, but realizes her grave mistake, gets on right path and practice Islam and wish to have a righteous husband to whom she will be faithful and loving but then will she not a chance to have so??"
        She can have a faithful husband inshaa Allah, no problem.

        But subhanAllah, this is my perspective. If I have remained chaste, why can't I have a woman who has been chaste? Why do I have to settle for a non-virgin??? It's feels like an extreme disgrace that I should marry a girl who has been with another man!!!! No way!!!!

        I think this is also how the brother feels. It's hard to empathize with some things of the other gender because we have been created with somethings that are truly innate in our gender.

        You have to understand that it is something that is incredibly deep in the psyche of a man. Why do you think virginity is prized everywhere?

        I think we can all agree to this however:

        "I pray to Allah (Swt) to give you a virgin wife."

  3. Assalamualaikum brother , as you think even we all muslim girls also expect our husbands to be virgin and hv not touched intimately or had tht relation with other women neither premarital or extramarital we want our future husbands to be loyal , we hv lot of expectation , but if u think a lot abt it u will land into doubts and lot of stress in ur life see non can say if ur wife wil be virgin or not only ur wife will know tht and only she can tell u the truth , but remember this life is test allah will test u and us so all we can do is pray allah to bless u a pious wife who will be way for u to jannah who will guide u to right path so dont break ur head thinking abt virginity , just pray and trust allah whatever he does will be better and best for u 🙂

    jazakallah khair

  4. Let me tell you brother that you are saved by Allah. You agree (and mashAllah you repent now) that you spent a sinful life, but Allah has saved you from one of the major sins! Alhamdulliah.

    I see that you have two questions.
    I do not have the knowledge on your 2nd question [Is there any indication in Quran or hadith about getting a virgin wife if you keep yourself a virgin (in this world)? ] but I'd like to share my opinions on the first:

    Am I giving too much importance to this 'virginity' thing? I tried to give up these thoughts, but I couldn't help them and I am really frustrated.

    First, let me assure you brother, it's only normal that you want a virgin. It is even more normal because you've been keep able to keep yourself away from these haram activities. It's only right, that you expect your to-be-wife to be virgin.

    But wait, what is that insecurity lingering your mind? You fear you won't get a virgin wife? You know why you have that doubt? It's because you've been with such people ( I don't mean this in a rude way!) and you've witnessed it that how misguided some poor people can be!

    Brother, wipe that fear away. Wipe that fear away because you are granted by Allah to pray as much as you (imagine, what if Allah restricted our prayers to a certain number in a life time!). Pour your heart out to him. You want a virgin wife and you are worried? Pray about this to Allah. He will make everything alright.

    Now that the fear is out, I'd like to point out that while you expect 'someone with virginity' to be a good muslim- it might always not be the case.

    What if, just what if, you marry an ultra-virgin girl (no, there's no such thing, I'm just emphasizing) and she turns out to be the evilest person on Earth?

    I hope you know that murdering people is a very grave sin (and I think it's more grave than zina). So what if, just what if, your wife is a virgin but murdered someone. (JUST AN EXAMPLE).

    You are 20+ year old male and I think you still have some time to develop how to perceive the world and the people around you.

    Again, when someone doesn't commit zina, we conventionally say that 'hey he/she has been able to keep his/her virginity at this day of age; he/she must be really good muslim!' And who are we to measure the Muslim-ness of someone? Only Allah knows what we are inside, in our heart. Only he knows how much of a good Muslim each and every one of us is. That is why it's important that we have broad spectrum of understanding- there are conventions and then there are things that don't match up with the convention.

    I hope brother and I shall pray for you that this insecurity is washed away by Allah's blessings. And I shall pray brother, you find a wife of your choice- and a wife whom you can love dearly and forgive (because when two people live together, it's inevitable not to have fight/hurt each other) with a heart full of love.

    Best of luck. May Allah Guide you. Amen.

  5. Brother,

    I for one, think it's really awesome that you have kept yourself pure for a future wife. Realistically speaking many men, Muslim or not...want to play the field and when they are all done, want a virgin for a wife. That is something that I find hypocritical and irks me to no end. Every day, men the globe over will take the virginity of a woman only later to toss her aside because now they want a wife. She is not good enough for him because she is no longer a virgin. Sad but that's how it is.

    Keep yourself pure for your future bride because brother I am here to tell you...you are a gem in a world filled with men who use and abuse woman every single day. May Allah give you the most beautiful and pious woman to be your bride because a man like you is most deserving in my book.

    Salam

    • JazzakAllahu khair! This is more understanding then those who say "don't worry about virginity" but subhanAllah, it really does matter a great deal.

      I really appreciate it sister.

  6. Salam brother,

    I was like you once upon a time. I never even spoke to any guys so I really wanted a husband like me who never had any girlfriends. I was paranoid that I didn't want someone who's had female friends! And also they had to be good character too. I thought if i was clean why should i settle for someone who's done bad things.

    But after i got married i was so happy to have a husband who had the same believes and lifestyle as me "innocent" . But later the bubble burst! He turned into a bad person and started doing all the things I despice!

    Now I think to myself that I would have been happier marrying a person who committed sins before marriage and repented and turned good, then marry someone who "was" an angel and is bad now!

    But I do understand a good innocent girl deserves a good innocent boy. Its natural to want someone who shares the same values. But These things are not consistent, its better to give importance to purity of character then anything else. And also their present is more relevant then what they did in the past.

    If you want a virgin make it known to the girl that you are interested in marrying a virgin in a polite way. But then again people should not disclose their sins.

    But I do not agree with you about not finding any good girls. There are plenty of innocent practising muslim girls East or West wherever you look. Your just not looking in the right places! And usually its girls who have a hard time finding a good boy to marry!

    Hope you find miss right : )

  7. I think sometimes people run the risk of focusing too much on whether a person is or is not a virgin, rather than looking at the whole person. Chastity and modesty aren't just about virginity, they are important qualities for people to have in other aspects of their life as well. For example, someone might be a virgin but drink alcohol or go out clubbing to flirt with people - that person's virginity doesn't change the fact that there are issues in their lifestyle that would be concerning.

    Saying you would only consider a virgin suggests you wouldn't consider divorcees, widows, victims of rape, some reverts. These people may well have lived their lives in accordance with the teachings of Islam and acted entirely appropriately - why automatically discount people based on one aspect of their past, if it occurred in a halal way or even against their will? I really dislike the way people say that being with a woman or man who is not a virgin would be "settling" - it seems quite judgmental.

    I'm not saying that people shouldn't want to marry a virgin, or that chastity isn't important - it is, and I would expect that the majority of young practising Muslims would most likely be virgins - but focusing so strongly on one issue risks blinding yourself to the other important characteristics that a potential spouse should have.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • This is very true.
      Please brother look at the whole picture. I have heard about cases when Muslim girls had premarital sexual relationships and just before marriage got their “virginity” fixed up using surgical procedure.
      In Central Asian countries virginity is expected from a girl before her marriage & “confirmed” by a husband after marriage is consummated, so in fear of humiliation or to cover up their lies some fix their “virginity” surgically.

      Pray to Almighty for the whole package.

      May Allah (SWT) grant you beautiful and pious Muslima.

  8. Salam Brother, well to say that there are no virgin women is completely incorrect. I know alot of women that are pure and have never even hugged a man before and Alhamdulillah including myself. Just be trust Allah subhanahu wata'al and pray for the best. Virginity is not marriage, nor life, nor islam. Subhanallah akhi, but what if you got a virgin and on the first night of marraige she got rapped, killed? I think you should just pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala for the best kind of woman for you. Ameen.

  9. Asalamua alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
    I definently sympthasise with the brother! I'm a sister, 18 from the uk and I know of many Muslim girls who have boyfriends and who knows what they do with them!

    After all boys at that age are only after one thing anyway! Allahu a'lam!

    On a serious note though, many and I mean many sisters are virgins. You just don't know, so generalising will just dampen your opinion.

    To be honest, I'm more worried about finding a virgin husband. Brothers have a higher rate of extra marital affairs in my opnion. may Allah bless you greatly for guarding ur chastity! It's a beautiful gift to give to ur wife!

    Do not generalise and assume middle eastern\village type women are better at preserving their chastity! Wallahi,think about it how easy is it to practice over in those countries, and how much harder it is over here. Realistically, they would have greater levels of imaan due to the hardship and Allah knows best. So I advise you to not underestimate the sisters in the west.

    Many sisters are sincere and would love to make their husband happy! Trust me!

    • My beloved sister in Islam.To me Virginity shows strength and courage. Don't worry about Virgin man I am one and I know many.I also live in UK and want to marry a virgin wife.Please don't be sad there is many of us.You as a Sister I would like to ask do you know many virgin beautiful sisters? And how do I spot them.Wearing Hijab doesn't make someone a virgin I pray to Allah he bless you.

  10. Oh and I forgot brother Allah mentions in the Quran that men of purity are for women of purity and tht impure men are for impure women.

    I dont have time to search up the reference but it's in there. So rest assured that Allah will not be unjust towards you. Everyone reaps what they sow.,

    So instead of stressing about it, make dua and Ask Allah for a righteous women who is pure in her chastity and faith.

  11. Well, virginity is important but not everything. But I do agree that chaste Muslims girls are virtually non-existent in America today. I have seen girls with hijabs literally in unthinkable positions, so from my experience let's all spare the ideal Muslim girl (of course nobody is saying that there are chaste boys too...I am sorry but in this hyper sexualized society I find it incredible to find there are men that have not been sexually active after 21-25). This is the where the ummah finds itself!

  12. Salamu Alekium,

    I advise you to read Surah al Nur & its interpretation (Tafsir).

    Subhan'Allah, Quran is our compass in the turbulent voyage of life . So, Whenever you are dealing with problem or you need an advise, turn to The Quran/Hadith for it has the solutions for our problems .

    I ask Allah to increase us in knowledge, grant us wisdom & righteous partners Ameen.

    Salamu Alakium

  13. I have been virgin too all my life. I am 29 and my muslim friend is having sex with a lot of women and he brags about it that how easy it is to get a women to bed. It makes me hugely depressed . Sometimes I get worried what if I end up with some women like that and it kills me. I have huge dreams and aspiration about my future wife, to have a family in Islam. But this is bothering me and I can't help it. All the movies and stuff has destroyed the morality and every is permissible now.

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