Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Was it continuous zina??

mercy forgiveness repentance tawbah

Salaam everyone,
I want to share my story.

I was always considered pious by my family and friends coz I m regular with my namaz.

But everything changed since I went to college. I made friends and moreover boyfriends. This is my fourth year in college and I m very restless thinking of my sins all the way. I repent but restlessness remains.

I loved a mushrik in my first year. And we were in a relation. We went physical but not zina. He broke up. I cried and moved on. Kissed his friend for no reasons.

Then came the next boyfriend. All mushriks. He touched me kissed me and broke up.

Then the next, a Muslim who kissed again and left.

Then the next, a mushrik, whom I loved a lot. With him I knew no limits. He always emphasised to have zina but I refused just for Allah. No other reasons. But we went physical many times n I used to stop just before penetration and get upset. He used to be angry.

And even he broke up.

I am weak, moreover ashamed coz my family thinks I m pious.

I offered tahajjud, seeking for repentance sometimes. But nothing goes out of my head. I have started feeling I cant fix myself.

I cry before Allah asking whether I can be forgiven. And cry very often when no one knows. But I think I have fed my nafs a lot. I never completed zina but I don't think it was any less.

I don't want to be thrown in the hell fire.

I repent with the conditions of repentance
1 stopped the sin
2 don't want to repeat at any cost
3 regrets and regrets.

But what frightens me is that if the last person whom I loved the most, returns to me, I may talk. And if we talk again, he will call again. But I don't want to go. I hate my deeds and I don't want anyone to know them ever.

I know Allah's mercy is boundless but I must be rightly repenting.
I think I have gone worse but I fear being sent to Allah with my deeds. I wish these could be erased coz they suffocate me that I am so sinful yet no one knows from my family.
Allah alone can help and I seek his help very often and I cry most of the time when I am alone.

Through Allah, help me by commenting what should I do to overcome this and be able to look at myself in the mirror. I feel ashamed and sinful and not worthy of even enough repentance, forgiveness at bay.

I seek help for my heart to be lighter.

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13 Responses »

  1. Asslam Aleykoum Sister,

    Ask yourself what you want from any relationship. Why is it that you create a relationship and what are your reasons for creating them.

    Walk with me and you will see my point.

    Here is my example: When I first created a relationship with my ex it was with the intention of marriage. Even though it was a haram relationship and ended very badly, my intentions had always been because I wanted marriage. Hence I chose to be with a Muslim (with the same ethnic background - personal choice) because I always saw myself ending up married to him. So my question to you is why do you opt for Mushriks?

    1. Is it because you are not ready for marriage and already know deep down that you will not be married to a Mushrik?

    2. Why go for a Mushrik? Because as a muslim woman we know they are off limits, so why even temper with them in the first place?

    Ask yourself these questions, try to figure out why you did the things you did and it will make it easier for you to understand yourself and even be able NOT to repeat stand on your ground if any mushriks and non-muhrams muslim men.

    Once you figure yourself out, then begin the same roution you have mentioned in your post:

    I repent with the conditions of repentance
    1 stopped the sin
    2 don't want to repeat at any cost
    3 regrets and regrets.

    But this time do it with more conviction. Focus on you relationship with Allah SWT. Give yourself time off from any relationship with any man..

    Remember Allah SWT always:

    Know that you did well on not going all the way (your virginity is intact). You did it with consciousness of Alah SWT.

    "O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it."

    Allah calls out to His servants, a call of forgiveness, mercy, and compassion. For He knows that man was created weak and is prone to fall into sin. After calling out to mankind, Allah informs them that as long as they call on Him and put their hope in Him, He will forgive them and not mind. This statement alone can convince one to have hope and never to despair. When one calls out to Allah or makes dua, he is displaying his need and dependence of Allah. He is demonstrating his weakness to the fact that he has no power to do anything for himself. It is the essence of submission and servitude. It is also a recognition of Allahs attributes of kindness, generosity, forgiving and merciful nature, and His unlimited power and knowledge. Humans are never in a situation where they are not in need of Allah. A believer always turns to Allah to ask for guidance as well as to seek forgiveness of sins and shortcomings.

    May Allah SWT make it easy for you my Sister; Ameen

    • Jazakallah sister,
      U asked me why I opt for mushriks. Sister, I do not opt for them, beleive me, actually I rarely have muslims in my college. I just had one muslim friend in my college and he was like a brother to me, but he ditched me. And I have a bad nature that I m too social and talkative. I don't get when my friendship turns into relationships. May be its because there was a time when I was proud of my piety, though it was nothing. So may be Allah showed me that I am so bad.
      Sister I cry even at this moment. Please pray for me to become better.

  2. There is lot of causes why u are acting like this , I mean u r walking on the way u don't like or u r not supposed to walk. One reason may be ur childhood which was traumatic or lonely or full of unrealistic incidents. U have to work very hard to get rid of ur present Habit. Just stay away from boys and always be with some pious girls and some very important works. Think of some kind of training which u can maintain regularly.
    remember if u don't work hard to keep urself away from these things u will get involved with life more often. If some one could punish u harshly u could become a new person. Because punishment comes from Allah to correct people. Punishment sometimes make us very pure. One thing u can try , just help others despite accepting ur loss, and help peole all the time , make it a business or habit to help others and spend ur time to help others, think of others well being all the time and keep urself busy in this business, so that u don't get time to flirt with boys.

    • Jazakallah sister.
      Yes I have been usually lonely for most of my childhood and even now. Both my parents are working and I m alone at home mostly during the day.

      Pray for me sister. I have no muslim friends even.

  3. Repent sincerely and cut off all contacts with opposite sex ..If possible change the college ..

    Leave the past in the past, your repenting and continue to Allah. You dont need to explain yourself to anyone do not disclose your past to anyone. Learn from this I know its hard for you but you can turn this around and not worry. If you know what you doing is haraam then please do not continue with these men they are using you just as much as you not having respect for yourself. You need to have respect for yourself to feel worthy and not allow anyone to treat you this way. Your actions have consequences in how you feel. If you stop this you will see within time this is not the right path to be in which can lead to more complications/problems for you. May Allah guide and help you inshAllah.

  5. AsSalaamu 'alaikum Sister,

    In addition to the good advice you received above, the following may be helpful inshaAllah.

    It seems you are looking for answers to three questions:

    1. How to get rid of the restlessness?

    2. How to emotionally and psychologically get rid of the last Mushrik?

    3. How to move from avoiding sins only for the fear of hell fire, to avoiding sins solely for the love of Allah?

    1. How to get rid of the restlessness?

    Change from being pious for family and friends to being pious solely for Allah alone. Start by learning to understand the concept of purity from the perspective of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Know why you need to guard your chastity and the rewards awaiting you from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

    And also, know that a sinner could still be pious in the sight of Almighty Allah, so long as they repent sincerely and practice the deen. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

    ''Except for those who repent, and believe, and do good deeds. These--Allah will replace their bad deeds with good deeds. Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful. Whoever repents and acts righteously-has inclined towards Allah with repentance.'' (Quran 25:70-71)

    2. How to emotionally and psychologically get rid of the last Mushrik?

    I think you have received good advice on this one above, especially by SisterZahriya. Also, if it's possible to change college, then doing so will help inshaAllah.

    3. How to move from avoiding sins only for the fear of hell fire, to avoiding sins solely for the love of Allah?

    In fact, this alone could be sufficient enough to wipe away the restlessness you are feeling, and help you get rid of any haram relationship including the last Mushrik, inshaAllah. However, it takes sincere intention and determination with practice for one to master anything in this world.

    Taqwa (Piety or consciousness of Allah) is of three parts:

    1). Fear of Allah's wrath.
    2). Hope for Allah's mercy.
    3). Love of Allah.

    When these three parts are gathered in a servant, his Taqwa becomes strong. And it is by these parts that he crosses and overcome the obstacles that stand on his way to reaching Allah.

    This topic is very vast and interesting. And Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim (May Allah have mercy on him) discussed it very broadly and in depth, however, I will mention only what he stated regarding the ways and means of attaining the love of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

    Among the spiritual stations of Iyyaka na'budu wa iyyaka nastaeen (i.e. It is You we worship and You we ask for help.), is the spiritual station of Love....

    With regard to the motives that earns the Love, they are ten:

    1. Reading the Holy Quran with meditation and grasping its meanings and what is meant by it, just like the book that the servant memorized and tried to explain it in order to understand the Author's purpose of it.

    2. Getting closer to Allah through nawafil (i.e. Supererogatory Salat) after obligatory Salat. For this gets him to the level of al-Mahbubiyah after the love (i.e. to the level of imitating and representing the Beloved in His Purposes, hearing, seeing, and going after only what He wants. As in the hadith, ''My servant draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it. I do not hesitate about anything as much as I hesitate about [seizing] the soul of My faithful servant: he hates death and I hate hurting him. (It was related by al-Bukhari.))

    3. Constant (dhikr) remembrance of Him in all conditions; by the tongue and heart, and act and state. For his share of love is according to the amount of his share of this dhikr.

    4. preferring what He loves over what you love and ascending towards what He loves, even if the elevation becomes hard for you.

    5. Acquaintance of the heart with His Names and Attributes; observing and learning to understand them, in addition to the turning of it (the heart) within the garden of this acquaintance and its principles. For whoever knows Allah by His Names, Attributes, and Actions, Allah will inevitably love him.

    6. Observing His righteousness, Kindness, and Marvels, in addition to His Blessings, both outward and inward--for all these are motives for His love.

    7. This is the most wonderful of all. Refracting the the whole heart before Allah. In fact, there is not in the expression of this meaning other than names and terms.

    8. Being in solitude with Him during the hour of Divine Descent (the last third of the night), conversing with Him, reciting His Speech (the Holy Quran), and standing with the heart, and humbling before Him with the Adab of servitude, and then ending that with seeking forgiveness and repentance.

    9. Sitting in the company of sincere Lovers (of Allah), and picking up the best fruits of their speech, just like the way the bests of fruits are selected. Do not speak except if you weighed the benefit of speaking (asking a question) and noticed that there could be an increase for your condition, and benefit for others (today, this could be achieved by listening to Islamic lectures (DVDs/CDc), especially those on the topic of Taqwa by reputable Islamic scholars).

    10. Staying far from any motives that may stand between the heart and Allah Almighty.

    Verily, it is by these ten motives that the Lovers reached the spiritual stations of Love and entered upon their Beloved (Allah).

    The frame of all that is two things:

    -1. Preparing the soul for this matter.

    -2. Opening the eye of Baseerah (insight).

    And success is by Allah.

    (Madaarij as-Saalikin, by Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim, v 3, p 16-17)

    Hope this helps, and Allah knows best.

    • @Issah masAllah really good reply

      Where do you get all your information from. Because you and Saba are always typing really useful information for those still learning and still want to know more about these sort of topics Islamically.

    • Jazakallah brother,

      I turned to tears by reading your reply. May Allah bless you now and in the hereafter. Brother as I said in the above replies, I live usually alone. Though my mother talks to me and is very supportive, but even she is working. Everybody is so good in my family except me. I feel ashamed being a part of them.

      I cant change my college as mine is a professional degree. I am doing engineering. And I usually come across the last one person I mentioned. But I do not even look at him due to the fear that I may turn to him.

      Jazakallah brother.

  6. This is beautiful my sister, being afraid of Allah and the punishment of allah is a really good thing make tawbah and ask forgiveness and never go back and committing this AGAIN. Remember Allah is who you think he is, if you think Allah will never forgive you then he won't, but if you think Allah will forgive you and is most merciful and loving, than you shouldn't worry. Get closer to Allah. This kind of bad thoughts going through your head is nothing but the shaiyton. Whatch some videos on YouTube about asking Allah for forgiveness, it's beautiful 🙂

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