Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Was it right choosing parents over a guy?

Broken heart made of tiles

"I broke his heart and I feel guilty"

Question:

I am really happy that I found your website to ask for advice.

I fell in love with a muslim guy from another country. We knew each other for a year, and there was a lot of love between us but no sexual intercouse. I'm 18 and he is 30. We really respected each other.

But when my parents found out especially my dad, they couldn't bear it. They didn't want me to marry him because he was from different country and he was too old for me. They were thinking more about "What will people say? and the disgrace."

My father put me in such a position that I had to choose either him or the guy. I had to choose my father because he's everything for me but I really feel guilty because I broke the guy's heart.  And I'm very very ashamed of whatever I have done. I will never forgive myself for doing such a sin. And I always pray to Allah to either forgive me or punish me.

Whenever I think of the guy I always feel ashamed for breaking his heart.

Can you please tell me, did I do a right thing?  I know breaking somebody's heart is a sin too, but I had to do it for the sake of my dad.

Sister Z's Answer:

Asalaamualaikum Sister,

There is never an easy solution to such a situation - and it can be so very painful. Which is why it helps if we can try to remain conscious at all times. I know that is so much easier said than done and sounds almost robotic - but if life has taught me one thing - its to do my best not to let my emotions take over my consciousness. By 'consciousness' - I mean awareness of Allah and awareness of realities in our lives.

Ahmed is right - quality of deen and character are the important factors in looking for a potential spouse, not ethnicity or age. But unfortunately we are not living in a utopia; this is our test on earth.

I don't know if you made the right or wrong choice with regards to this brother. Only you know the situation you were in with your father. I can understand the pressures you would have felt from that. Parents who practise culture over religion do not understand the problems they are causing to the unification of our Muslim Ummah as their prejudices are reinforcing cultural divisions. On an individual level, they do not understand the unnecessary trauma, pressure and challenges their children are facing as a result.

Your decision must be hard for you because you shared a connection with this brother, right? Its very difficult to cut off from someone whom you connect with and have love for too. But you have made your choice to move away from the brother - inshaAllah you would have made it after doing Istikhara so Allah will help you. You can only do sabr at this time. This does not mean, you should not miss the brother. That is humanely impossible as you shared time with him. But it will become easier given more time.

All I will say is that I am sure Allah (swt) will reward you for taking your parent's feelings in to consideration. Some parents eventually become happy with their children's choice of partner, some don't. So it is a major step to take in marrying someone when you know your parents are unhappy with you.

You are worried that you have broken this brother's heart and so you have sinned. Sister, Allah knows your intentions. If the brother truly cares about you, he will still hurt, but he will eventually understand. Being sincere doesn't take the pain of separation away, but it will inshaAllah aid in the healing process.

I want to mention something very important here at this point. Sometimes we can be deluded into thinking that because nothing physical has occured between the man and woman, that we are in the clear and have done nothing wrong Islamically. However Sister, this is Shaytaan deluding us. Lengthy conversations, whether by phone or email, between a man and woman who are attracted to each other physically/intellectually are not right either. If the conversations are just between the two of you, its the same as being alone in a room - where the third person is shaytaan. This is partly why I said at the beginning of my reply about 'being conscious at all times'. It is so easy for us to slip and to become too friendly.

InshaAllah - in years to come, these cultural barriers will break away and the Islamic culture will prevail; although this processis gradual.

I don't know if what I have said has answered your questions, but I hope its made you feel a little better Sister.

SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor


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9 Responses »

  1. your dad didnt want you to marry him cos hes from a different country and hes too old? thats not a valid reason to do this.

    if his charecteristic is good and his religion is also good then your dad should not object. age, race doesnt mean anything.

  2. Asalaamualaikum Sister,

    There is never an easy solution to such a situation - and it can be so very painful. Which is why it helps if we can try to remain conscious at all times. I know that is so much easier said than done and sounds almost robotic - but if life has taught me one thing - its to do my best not to let my emotions take over my consciousness. By 'consciousness' - I mean awareness of Allah and awareness of realities in our lives.

    Ahmed is right - quality of deen and character are the important factors in looking for a potential spouse, not ethnicity or age. But unfortunately we are not living in a utopia; this is our test on earth.

    I don't know if you made the right or wrong choice with regards to this brother. Only you know the situation you were in with your father. I can understand the pressures you would have felt from that. Parents who practise culture over religion do not understand the problems they are causing to the unification of our Muslim Ummah as their prejudices are reinforcing cultural divisions. On an individual level, they do not understand the unnecessary trauma, pressure and challenges their children are facing as a result.

    Your decision must be hard for you because you shared a connection with this brother, right? Its very difficult to cut off from someone whom you connect with and have love for too. But you have made your choice to move away from the brother - inshaAllah you would have made it after doing Istikhara so Allah will help you. You can only do sabr at this time. This does not mean, you should not miss the brother. That is humanely impossible as you shared time with him. But it will become easier given more time.

    All I will say is that I am sure Allah(swt) will reward you for taking your parent's feelings in to consideration. Some parents eventually become happy with their children's choice of partner, some don't. So it is a major step to take in marrying someone when you know your parents are unhappy with you.

    You are worried that you have broken this brother's heart and so you have sinned. Sister, Allah knows your intentions. If the brother truly cares about you, he will still hurt, but he will eventually understand. Being sincere doesn't take the pain of separation away, but it will inshaAllah aid in the healing process.

    I want to mention something very important here at this point. Sometimes we can be deluded into thinking that because nothing physical has occured between the man and woman, that we are in the clear and have done nothing wrong Islamically. However Sister, this is Shaytaan deluding us. Lengthy conversations, whether by phone or email, between a man and woman who are attracted to each other physically/intellectually are not right either. If the conversations are just between the two of you, its the same as being alone in a room - where the third person is shaytaan. This is partly why I said at the beginning of my reply about 'being conscious at all times'. It is so easy for us to slip and to become too friendly.

    InshaAllah - in years to come, these cultural barriers will break away and the Islamic culture will prevail; although this processis gradual.

    I don't know if what I have said has answered your questions, but I hope its made you feel a little better Sister.

    SisterZ
    xxx

  3. Thank you VERY much SisterZ i have taken your advice. Alhamdulillah i try to pray 5 times a day and i told the guy that i had to leave him..Mashallah he is still respectful to me and understood me alot! i always loved how he would respect me no matter wat! so now that i live like next door to him. we havent tried seeing each other so far 1 month! and he tells me to keep updating hiim wats going on with me.because i have my phone number hes name. and i dont have a job right now as i am searching for it these days. so he pays for my phone bills and he said to me when i get a job then he can transfer to my name so i could pay in the future.
    I have a question. he paid for my phone bills for 3 or 4 months when i was away and he didnt want to let me know because he knew i was broke. when i came to know he said its fine he doesnt need hes money back. but i feel guilty i never try borrow money from ppl but i like to give to them.. so far maybe he paid 350$ and he doesnt want his money cause he has a good job and he just helped me out with him when he knows i am unemployed.
    what should i do? i want to pay but i dont have a job yet and when i get a job it might be too late because he might get deported back home for some reasons.
    Can u plz help me out!!
    i saw him once in the elevator and we both just went our ways. we still respect each other but we understand that nothing could have happen to us.
    but wat should i do with money thing???

    masalama

  4. Walaikumsalaam Lena, Alhumdulillah my advice was of some help...

    But Sis...I am a little concerned at the type of interaction you are continuing with this brother. If you have made a decision not to marry him, really it needs to be clear cut. It is not sensible, healthy, nor permitted for you to be updating this person on your situation nor for him to pay your phone bills.

    What situation does he want to be kept up to date with? Is it about whether you get married to someone else soon or something else? By you keeping in touch with him like this, especially with him living next door, that excitement of being able to contact him is always there which will make it hard for the feelings to calm down.

    What situation occured that he had to start paying your phone bills? You have both obviously become too close to each other that such situations have occured Lena - it may seem innocent to you, maybe even sweet and nice of him to be doing such a thing, but does it seem right to you? I would recommend you refrain from taking anymore money from him for your phone bills and for anything else. Is it not possible to ask your parents or siblings to lend you some money? If they can't lend you the money, then maybe it would be good for you to do without a phone for some time.

    If you are unable to return his money before he leaves, then he has already told you he doesnt mind - and its best you leave it at that.

    Why may he be deported from your country? Is he illegally present?? Its not a situation you want to get yourself stuck in Lena. I know you said you don't talk to him anymore and you just want to know how to return his money. But it seems that you are just trying to hang on to him in anyway...through the phone bills, through 'just keeping him up dated'...

    Do yourself a favour Sis - leave your phone, the money, this brother and re-focus your mind to Allah.

  5. Salam aleykom SisterZ,

    i do understand wat u mean. the first 2 weeks when i came back i didnt talk to him. he was askin about me trough one of our good friend. and then he told him to tell him that even when i dont use the phone its still charges. so he asked me to use it atleast until i get a job and then he can put it under my name. to remove the phone contract and all, will take up to 400$ fee for the cancelation of the contract. which ofcaurse i dont have.
    i wish i could have asked my parents to give me so much money. but they dont live in canada. they live in a poor country ukraine. thats why i came back to canada to support them financially. and i live with my older sister and she has her own family money problems with her husband. so i have asked her for a bit of money for trasfer when i go to interviews or search for jobs. shes already telling me that it cant go much longer that she will be giving me money.
    i dont have the weak self esteem to ask ppl for money and i hate when someone pays for my stuff. but i have no other choice. its not an excuse for me to keep in touch wth him. but i have no other way. in one way or other i still need money to either pay for the bills and get over with it or even to cancel the contract i still have to give money which i dont have.
    thank u for answering my question to that: its okay if he doesnt want his money back, i dont have to give him.because i would really want to do that but i cant.
    ofcaurse not only u but anybody would think that if we live next door, it makes us happy or watver. but i moved in to my older sister's house which is another floor. and we never tried seeing each other.
    about the deporting stuff; he never wanted me to check his case but as i knw that he came here as a student and he never studied so he was here illigaly and therefore they are planning to deport him.

    So just the way u said i should still stay away from him and not give him updates. i guess ur right. i will do that! im busy searchin for a job anyways and i always try to practice islam more and more.
    so Alhamdulillah im really happy that I follow the Islam and i always pray 5 times a day! i always pray for Allah to give me support!
    Thank u SisterZ if i have any more questions i will be asking u 😉

    masalam

  6. Lena, do you not have any male guardians with you in Canada and is your father looking for a spouse for you?

    You seem to be in a vulnerable situation...

    Sis, try to keep your mind focussed and also try to attend some Islamic classes where you can learn and also make some nice friends. Maybe you should speak to your father about helping you choose a suitable spouse as it seems you need your own family unit and husband to support you.

    May Allah improve your situation soon and grant you with strong eemaan and sabr - Ameen
    x

  7. SisterZ i do have my older sister and her husband who i live with so he still considers as "male guardian". but im hoping to find a good job and wait until my parents are settled financially then i will leave canada and live with them. also about husband, im not ready for it yet because i think parents come first so i should try my whole best to help them out with life then think of myself. and Alhamdulillah i have no feelings for any body.
    i told my parents that i will get marry when theyr settled and when good proposal comes and i and my parents choice him. im not in rush for marriege and i dont feel like gettin married when i see my parents need me the most now!

    So inshallah when my family situation gets better im hoping to move with them and get married.

    Thank you sister for giving the dua for me. and please pray for me as i am tryin to be more responsible and follow Islam.

    fi amman allah

  8. Good girl Lena, May Allah keep you safe always :0)

    Please do keep me in your duas too x

    • jazak allahu khairan SisterZ for ur good wishes for me 🙂

      and Inshallah i will always remember you and all muslims in my dua!

      May Allah reward you for the help u give me!

      Masalama

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