Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We argue and fight, I don’t want to live with him anymore

The Successful Marriage

hello ,

i'm 17 years old and i need alot of advice. i really have no clue what to do with my situation.

when i was 16 i hung around with the wrong kind of girls and lost my parents' trust.

later a man asked for my hand who is 23 years old. i didnt want him at all at first but my parents treated me as a daughter again when i was saying maybe, so i forced myself to say yes. after a couple of months i was actually happy with it all. i went overseas and got married (he's from there).

the first months were nice he was a nice guy. but after ny return to america for school then 2 months this summer overseas the marriage has fallen. he just wasnt the man i thought he was and we constantly fought and argued it came to the point that suicide was on my mind but i stopped myself knowing that its haram and wrong.

im back in the U.S now yet my parents completely changed towards me because he told them that i didnt treat him right 🙁

i want a divorce but when i spoke to my mom about him treating me that way she refused to believe it and said be patient. i try to be patient but my heart is completely closed. i'm forced to act as if im happy 24/7 and its eating me inside out.

my best friend is an italian and he wanted to ask for my hand and convert to islam. i love him but my parents would never approve of my divorce or to marry this man.


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9 Responses »

  1. Hello,

    I am sorry for you, for this problem.

    According to Islam, As far as divorce is concerned, broadly, If the wife want divorce, you can categories divorce into five categories.

    1. By Mutual consent of both husband and wife.

    2. Unilaterally by the will of husband.

    3. If it is mention in Nikah Certificate, during the marriage, that wife is also authorized to divorce her husband, (by default the authority of divorce is only in the hand of husband). I wanna explain this, during the marriage on nikah certificate, girl or boy is allowed to add anything, but that act should be not against to Islam.

    4. and If She do not mentioned in the nikah certificate, But she still wants divorce, She can request Her husband for divorce.

    5. and If husband is still not agree to give you divorce, then wife can go to the Qazi/Judge to Cancel The Nikah.

    The satiation you have right now, is normal for making relations like this. Marriage is not a joke that you keep changing husbands every semester. you have your whole life. Do not spoil it.

    But, Now I suggest you to follow your parents, take them in confident, and discuss with them for the better solution, Because, parents are well wishers of you always, once believe them and make a happy relation with them, then discuss with your family about your italian friend, and If Italian friend want to marry you. You need to be sure, he is going to accept Islam because He believe on Islam. Not only for marry you.

  2. Assalamualaikum,

    Sister, in a married life, having arguments is common, though disliked. This does not become a reason for divorce. Over all of this, you are too young and perhaps frustrated to see all this too early in your life. These things are common if you ask married people. There are very less people who actually spend their life without arguments, though I can quote such examples.

    My advise is that you take the matter easy and do not overreact. Arguments are a part of life, consider them so. What is more important is if he loves you and takes care of you. Do not hasten to end your relationship. Involve your parents, only when things are extreme. But now, things seem just normal to me. You can very well handle them on your own.

    Do du'a to Allah and seek His Help with prayers and patience. Indeed, Allah Is with those who have patience. Its not about asking who is right and who is not, but this relationship demands patch-ups. Shaitaan tries hard to break the homes of the believers but we should deny him that.

    He feels you don't treat him right and you feel he doesn't treat you right. But the reality is that both of you should compromise on certain things and make each other happy. A simple smile can make his day, this way you could increase love among yourselves.

    Forget the thougt of your Italian friend, because you are now married and you were not forced to. And it is Haraam for you to meet anyone else with this intention. Read the book called 'Ideal Muslimah' and learn how to make your married life successful. You are my young sister who needs to understand that divorce is not a child's play. It leaves serious repurcussions. It should be adopted only when there is a reason to justify that. In your case, the reason is not valid. So you should try hard to make things work. Seek Allah's Help Who Is Ar Rahmaan and in sha Allah He Will Help you. Make sincee duas and try hard to make your relationship work. And I know you can do it.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Sister, Satan is the best destroyer of marriages and hates married couples the most. His best feast is when he manages to split a married couple. He causes doubts between them and make it seem that there is no way out of a particular situation. Satan is very much aware of peoples' weak spots, and so approaches them from these angles. People who listen to Satan's whisperings follow him instead of following Allah's commandments and live in fear and anxiety. Allah states that only one type of fear that will lead a person to the right path is the fear of Allah. The Qur'an proclaims that Allah, the Possessor of Infinite Knowledge, will give people the ability to distinguish between right and wrong if they fear Him. This is one of the most important characteristics for a person to have. Discerning people who have faith know the difference between right and wrong, and thus are not fooled by Satan's games.

    Below are some suggestions in light of Islam to maintain a happy married life:

    Never Argue
    Avoid arguments.  An argument is a fire in the house. Extinguish it with a simple 'I'm sorry' even if it is not your fault.   When you fight back, you are only adding wood to the fire. Below is a very good story which provides a beautiful example of tolerance and patience which is essential for any successful marriage.

    A man and woman had been married for more than 50 years. They shared everything. and kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.  For all of these years, he never thought about the shoebox, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the shoebox.

    When he opened it, he found two hand made dolls and a bag of money totalling $20,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and make a doll."

    The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the shoebox. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," the little old woman said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

    Be attentive to the comfort and wellbeing of your husband.
     A good Muslim wife should always be trustworthy and kind. She should strive to be cheerful and encouraging towards her husband and family, and keep their home free from anything haram (haram covers all aspects of harm, including bad behaviour, abuse and forbidden foods).   

    Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - taught us that any women who dies in a state where her husband is pleased with her, shall enter Jannah.  Always treat him the way you would like to be treated. If you follow this rule, your marriage will have a much greater chance for success and if discarded then failure is just around the corner.

    Be obedient
    Regardless of her skills or intelligence, a wife should accept her man as the head of her household give him full respect and carry out his wishes with a clear conscience. She should take into consideration the needs and abilities of her husband and attempt to make him happy, even if she has to compromise sometimes. It is because men are given an extra degree of responsibility.

    Allah says: “Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of women, because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support them from their means . . .” (Qur’an 4:34)

    The purpose of obedience in the relationship is to keep the family unit running as smoothly as possible. The man has been given the right to be obeyed because he is the leader and not because he is superior. If a leader is not obeyed , his leadership will become invalid.

    Be thankful and show appreciation 
    Appreciate and thank your husband for what he does for the family. Never make him  feel that he is not doing good enough for the family or that you are not satisfied with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family. The Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wasallam) was reported to have said: ‘On the Day of Judgment, God will not look upon the woman who has been ungrateful to her husband.”  Thank your husband constantly for the nice things he does as this is one of the most important techniques and to be the opposite is a characteristic of the women of hellfire.

    Be Careful of Your Words and maintain good relation with in-laws:
    Be very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm down before continuing the conversation.  Maintain good relation with your in-laws especially his mother.  Do not say anything bad about his family.

    Be polite kind and patient and confess your Mistakes
    Treat your husband like you would treat your best friend. With our best friends we try to be polite kind and patient. With our spouses we often do not show these courtesies. Good marriages require patience kindness sacrifice love understanding forgiveness and hard work. Moreover, consider the reward in the hereafter for those who show patience:

    Allah says, “Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full without reckoning (or measure).” (Qur’an 39:10)

    When you make a mistake, admit it and when your husband commits a mistake, excuse him easily and if possible, never go to sleep angry with each other.

    Be contended with what you have and lead an easy life:
    Don’t be jealous of those who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. The ‘rizq” is from Allah (SWT). In order to develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Thank Allah (SWT) for the many blessings in your life.

    Have a sense of humour
    Men seek women who are light-hearted and have a sense of humour. As Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - told Jabir to marry someone who would make him laugh and he would make her laugh.

    Pray to allah
    Make dua to allah for the well being of your husband and for your successful married life.  By doing this daily you will notice  increased love between you and your husband.

    Stster mainting married life is harder then anything els in this world. it looks easy when we see our parents doing this and we think it's really easy when we see our grandparents. But when it comes to us in reality then we face how hard it can be difficult to maintain. 

    Married life is a fragile. You need to take care carefully. Once it broken you can't really put it together the way it was. It's really hard. You are so young  and you need to maintain lots of patient thru your whole life. It's not your fault it's the age making like this if you wear 30's then it would have less but still the problem will be there.

    I got married when I was 20 and my husbabd was 34. I was also in that kind of situation then I became pregnent now I am a mother of a beautiful daughter now when I face this kind of argument problem I look at my daughter and gain my patient because I don't have right to ruin her life she needs her father then I become calm. 

    Regarding that friend you talking about I don't think it would be good idea to think like that. Shaytaan Almos trapped you so do not fall come back. 

    Sister I pray that you stay with your husband for good. May Allah forgive us and show us right path.

    • Salaams Nadia,

      Your reply has really touched my heart thank you for sharing. I hope this reply becomes useful for sister who wrote her post. Also for sister who wrote her reply I strongly advise you to forget about the Italian man it is haraam of you to think of him, YOU ARE MARRIED WOMAN. You should think of your husband and work at your marriage issues first at your hardest, may Allah help you.

  4. Assalam'alykum,

    You are still very young and so you must not decide anything at this very instant. Marriage is a big thing, it should last long, it takes time to get settled with your husband who is once a stranger. Marriage needs mutual understanding, love, support, respect, compromises etc. Patience patience patience indeed is needed. Your marriage is only 3 months old it seems. Infact you were away from your husband for 2 months. The only month you were with him, you felt it was nice. Arguments happens in a couple's life a lot. It can be avoided by compromises etc. Give your marriage plenty more time to grow. Talk to your husband with an open mind and heart.There is NO reason whatsoever to divorce him. Your reason is invalid in shariah. You can not divorce him.
    Our Prophet said: " The women who want divorce without valid reason, she will be forbidden to even smell the fragrance of paradise. "

    The purpose of marriage that Allah intended cannot be achieved unless the spouses treat one another kindly, which means that each of them should do his or her duties towards the other.

    First of all, STOP communicating with that Italian evil.STOP it immediately please. He's evil because, even after knowing you are married, he wishes to marry you. He is doing exactly what the shaytan wishes to do. He is destroying your married life, only shaytan wants that. He is a disbeliever for crying out load. Even if he converts to Islam just to marry you, it wont be valid. He will remain non believer. I firmly believe that he is the reason you want to divorce your husband. How can you love someone when married to your husband ? Your sin is extra-marital affair ASTAGHFIRULLAH. You are breaching Allah's law and being disloyal to your husband. Forget that Italian evil. Think that he never existed, perhaps this may open your mind and heart to your husband. REPENT sincerely for the sins you've committed. You do not need male best friend in your life. Trust me. Shaytan will take advantage of this and will lead you to bigger sins.

    "And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty.." (24:31)

    "Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils). "(17:32)

    Our prophet said: " ... The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking, the zina of the ears is listening, the zina of the hand is touching, the zina of the heart is wishing(forbidden stuffs), one may wish and desire, the private part conforms it or deny it."

    "..Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise. " (2:221)

    "Allah did curse shaytan, but shaytan said: "I will take of Your servants a portion Marked off; I will mislead them, and I will create in them false desires;..." Whoever, forsaking Allah, takes satan for a friend, hath of a surety suffered a loss that is manifest. Satan makes them promises, and creates in them false desires; but satan's promises are nothing but deception. They (his dupes) will have their dwelling in Hell, and from it they will find no way of escape. (4:118-121)

    "O ye who believe! follow not Satan's footsteps: if any will follow the footsteps of Satan, he will (but) command what is shameful and wrong.." (24:21)

    Therefore repent sincerely before Allah punishes you,

    "Turn ye to our Lord (in repentance) and bow to His (Will), before the Penalty comes on you: after that ye shall not be helped". (39:54)

    My advise to you is to FEAR ALLAH with regard to your husband and remember that he is your paradise and your hell. The Prophet said: " Look at how you are with your husband because he is your paradise and your hell". Allah has enjoined you to obey your husband on a reasonable basis. The prophet told the women of the great rights the husband has over the wife, and that if our Prophet were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone, our prophet would have ordered the wife to prostrate to her husband. (Tirmidhi)

    You must be a wise wife. You must do what Allah has enjoined for you. You must not transgress the limits set by Allah. Transgression includes, reviling him, disloyal (extra marital affair), unfaithful, arguing with him a great deal, disrespect etc. If you know that you can set the mistakes that you've made, then hasten to do it by seeking forgiveness, repenting and regretting and resolving not to do such things again. Thus you'll earn the pleasure of Allah and He will bless your marriage and give you beautiful kids insha'Alllah.

    You must sit down or talk to your husband in a very clam and wise way. Discuss the problems. Try finding solutions to the arguments and fights. Show him you love him. If your husband has serious issues, ask him if you could be of any help. Tell him, for this marriage to work out, he needs to understand the present situation and compromise. If possible get your husband to stay with you or go to him. He may be lonely and depressed because since you left him, things started drifting. Obey your parents. If for instance you and your husband come to a conclusion of divorce. My word of advice would be, DO NOT hasten to go with that Italian man. Pray salat al isthikhara. Be dutiful towards Allah. Pray your regular prayers. Keep on repenting and insha'Allah the best would come in your life. Allah said: " Allah will not change the condition of the people unless they change what is in their hearts."

  5. well i posted this question 2 months ago and in these two months i cut all contact with everyone and tried to just figure it all out. i never wanted to get married i only approved of it bcuz thats what everyone wanted . my whole family adores this man yet i have no feelings. first time i met him i told my dad nope i just didnt feel the least bit attracted to him. it all just felt wrong but i couldnt shame my parents and say no then. they wouldnt approve of it , i tried to act as happy as can be , said everything he wanted to hear, did everythin he wanted me to do , but i have no feelings for him none at all . its reallly hard bcuz i just feel torn between myself and my familys wishes

    • You need never cut contact with your family only your 'best friend'. I tell this because, you said you " love " that Italian evil, ( I know this ain't love, this only shaytan whispers and false desires ), if you " love " him, then there won't be place for the real person who you should love, and thats your husband. Therefore, I really wish you did cut contacts with him for the sake of Allah. So that your heart can forget that Italian troll and make place for your family.

      You said you did all these just to please your parents, but in your main post, you've mentioned that, you were naturally happy about it.

      after couple of months I was actually happy with it all

      Therefore, the damage (in your view) has been done. You and your family are responsible. You both wanted it and accepted it. Your parents are not to be blamed. Since, you can't just go and divorce him as you wish because Allah will be very angry at you. Once Allah is angry at someone, there can hardly be any good coming on that person. Fear Allah.

      Even if you did marry your husband just to please your parents, it doesn't mean that you are blameless and you have no right to cheat your husband by having extra marital affair with shaytan ( Italian guy ) . O Allah forgive our ignorance. If you did this for your family, now continue doing it for the sake of Allah at least. You've given your consent, now be happy. If you dont take heed immediately, I can only sense the evils and harms pilling up before you.

      Therefore, mend your ways with your parents and especially your husband. Open your heart and mind to HIM only. Get rid of evil feelings. Seek refuge with Allah from the wisphers of the cursed shaytan. Build up feelings for your husband. Its not difficult to do that. Do not think of the past or anyone, only your husband and insha'Allah you'll love him soon. Ask Allah for help. Have patience. As a wife, you need to work your best to make this marriage work. Every deeds will be held accountable on the day of reckoning. Pray to Allah daily and repent.

      • It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abbaas said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I was shown Hell and I have never seen anything more terrifying than it. And I saw that the majority of its people are women.” They said, “Why, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “Because of their ingratitude (kufr).” It was said, “Are they ungrateful to Allah?” He said,“They are ungrateful to their husbands and ungrateful for good treatment. If you are kind to one of them for a lifetime then she sees one (undesirable) thing in you, she will say, ‘I have never had anything good from you.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1052)

        It was narrated that Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allah said: “I attended Eid prayers with the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). He started with the prayer before the khutbah, with no adhaan or iqaamah. Then he stood up, leaning on Bilaal, speaking of fear of Allaah (taqwa) and urging us to obey Him. He preached to the people and reminded them. Then he went over to the women and preached to them and reminded them. Then he said, ‘Give in charity, for you are the majority of the fuel of Hell. A woman with dark cheeks stood up in the midst of the women and said, ‘Why is that, O Messenger of Allaah?’ He said, ‘Because you complain too much and are ungrateful to your husbands.’ Then they started to give their jewellery in charity, throwing their earrings and rings into Bilaal’s cloak.”
        (Narrated by sahih Muslim, 885)

        Take heed.

  6. I said in my post that married life is harder then anything els. There are some married couple wif dose a lot but husband don't understand that really but us women have to do our duty towards married life. Life isn't easy. No pain no gain!!

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