Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We have endured lifelong abuse from our father…

Depressed

I beg you for a speedy response inshallah, i am at my wits end,

My brothers and sisters in Islam, i have no one ( Except Allah) to turn to here I would really appreciate any kind words or advice, because I'm at my wits end with my father,

My father is a very twisted, miserable and cruel Arab man, who has shirked and continues to shirk all his responsibilities, My father has never worked a day in my or my siblings lives, he has been deceitfully claiming sickness benefits for over three decades, he has sat back and watched my mother go out to work until she could no longer ( even after she had children) and when she would return home, he would head out into town.

My older Brother was born brain damaged thus the state paid my Mum money to care for him, my father took that money and sent it back home to his brothers who were and still are quite capable of working, he did this up until the death of my brother some 7 years ago ( for over twenty years).

My mother is a Russian convert who was born in Finland, upon her fathers death she was left with a few thousands in inheritance, my father took this money and spent it amongst his family abroad, my mothers brother fell into financial difficulty and my mother had a little (a very small amount) of inheritance remaining, my dad went insane when she advised she wanted to help her brother and give what she had left to him.

Despite him never providing he has always given my Us and mother hell, about the shortage of money, bills and such like complaining how long we spend in the bathroom, if we have the heating on etc.

My father has always been a violent and abusive man, he has forced my (other younger )brother to eat his own vomit before, to apologize to bullies at school who were battering him daily. In my youth I have been knocked unconscious, given a black eye for not wanting to eat a blackened apple. I recall my father knocking me and sisters heads together, being lifting off the ground by my ears, my father would hit us (repeatedly) with his belts so hard we'd be left with purple bruises, he'd force us to hold our hands out and hit us with planks of wood on our finger tips, as i recall this pain, tears roll down my face. I was a child, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 etc my father only stopped the beating after the social services and police got involved.

Myself and my sister were burdened with the Hijaab from the age of 2 (I kid you not) so my father could 'look pious' to the community....... we were bullied at school due to being sent wearing long dresses with trousers underneath, including long sleeves and the hijaab, even the dinner ladies at primary school would laugh at us, the worst for me though is how he never allowed me ANY dignity, he'd slap my face in front of people, mock me and humiliate me, I would be a rich women if i had a pound for each time i had been called a piece of s***, or donkey (an Arab favorite) shaytaana/dirt/filth/cow etc etc.

I ran away from home when I had just turned 15 with my sister, the experience was horrific, recently my father has used this against me to score points during an argument, he slandered my chasity by saying he was 'told' things about me, that I was a prostitute during this time, by Allah this is not true, I cried hysterically,  screaming how could he say this to his daughter, as if it gave him pleasure he said 'well......' 'thats what I was told' .

He has no respect for my mother, he has been physically violent to her before, constantly insults her, treats her like dirt and a slave, she now says when he touches me next time i will leave, (we have no family/friends to turn to), he recently spat in her face, when she has said to him that she is worried about what will happen to me and my sister in the future, we are both unmarried nearly in our thirties, and both suffering from long term illnesses to be able to provide for our own-selves, we don't get a penny from my father,  we are unable to claim benefits because our illnesses are in relation to Sihr, ( Jinn). I live off little what savings I have from previous job, if my father passes we will be on the street. I worry too everyday, how will i find work when i wear the hijaab and jilebia, and when i am sick.

I have been pleading for a over a decade for my father to marry me, he has never bothered to make an effort towards this. My mother is a Finnish immigrant, who is ethnically Russian, despite the fact me and my siblings were born in the UK, my father did not apply for British nationality for us, we are all Finnish nationals, despite never having set foot in Finland,

I have just learnt that his reasoning behind him giving us Finnish nationality was an attempt to deceive us and others of our real Russian heritage since he is ashamed of it, i am not allowed to speak of being Russian at home, please also understand i only learnt of my Russian ethnicity in my early twenties, i spent my life believing i was of Finnish decent ( Half) due to my father, i feel as though i have lived a lie..............

My father never taught us Islam, or how to speak Arabic, I could write a book of all his cruel and nasty ways, i feel that i cannot begin to recover from my ill health living under the same roof as him, that i'm going to do something crazy, i'm aware there aren't really any options for me, am i sinning if i don't speak to my father at all, on a daily basis my father doesn't actually speak to me anyway, does anyone have any words of advice?

Also most painfully I have begun to feel resentment towards my mother may Allah forgive me, she is a lovely women, but it pains me she turned a blind eye to our abuse as children, she tries now, but sometimes I feel it's because I complain to her so much.

May Allah reward you in advance.

Your sister in Islam

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26 Responses »

  1. I am so sorry and saddened to read your story. may Allah help you and ease your suferring. My advice would be for you to get married to a good pious man and leave your fathers home as soon as possible. Contact your local mosque and ask sisters there to help you find a suitable match.

    • Thankyou for your kind words sister,

      i can't get married, i'm far too poorly and i'm not psychologically healthy, i wish i could marry its always been my dream, but as i get older i realize that this probably will never happen, i have zero confidence in approaching an iman, and even if i did, i'm not 22 years of age anymore, and would probably have to except a divorcee or be a 2nd wife, i don't believe i deserve that end, while i have never been married, its really not something i want for my life.

  2. OP: My mother is a Finnish immigrant, who is ethnically Russian, despite the fact me and my siblings were born in the UK, my father did not apply for British nationality for us, we are all Finnish nationals, despite never having set foot in Finland,...... I could write a book of all his cruel and nasty ways, i feel that i cannot begin to recover from my ill health living under the same roof as him, that i'm going to do something crazy, i'm aware there aren't really any options for me, am i sinning if i don't speak to my father at all, on a daily basis my father doesn't actually speak to me anyway, does anyone have any words of advice?in the future, we are both unmarried nearly in our thirties, and both suffering from long term illnesses to be able to provide for our own-selves, we don't get a penny from my father, we are unable to claim benefits because our illnesses are in relation to Sihr, ( Jinn)

    If you were born in UK, I think you should be British Citizen. If you have a birth certificate you should apply for British Passport. You father seems like a mentally ill person whose bad behavior has affected you and your siblings making you ill too.

    You should see a psychiatrist about the Jinn and long term illness. A psychiatrist can help you get benefits. You and your sister should get treatment and move away from your parents home.

    • Salam walakum, thankyou for your kind words

      I have previously contacted the home office, at least one of my parents should have been working at the time of my birth for me to obtain nationality unfortunately this is not the case,

      sister/brother, i don't have the means to move away from home with my sister or too financially support myself, i previously saw a raqi in regards to the Jinn problems, however he was extremely disrespectful and extorting me, i have since stopped seeing him,

      • MuslimahJustMuslimah: i previously saw a raqi in regards to the Jinn problems, however he was extremely disrespectful and extorting me, i have since stopped seeing him,

        Did you meet with him alone? You should share your experience so that people will be careful when going to religious healers.

        • Of course not brother/sister, i am a practicing muslim women, thus i would never be in the presence of a non mehram alone

  3. Your father is no father , you should contact a helpline , dont hesitate to take a stand his behavior will only get worse

  4. Assalamu alaykum dear sister im really sorry that you have to go through this. Your father sounds like a devil. He is not a father. I Dont believe you will be SinnIng if you Stop Talking to him.Allah is just ans He Sees Everything.
    You Need to immediately apply for a british Passport. Bit PLZ dont Teil anyone especially not to York father. Talking to your Mum IFF Ehe wants to Support you and get Out of There.do you have any Savings? You have to report your dad to there Police .dont be afraid, ist your right.i believe there Atelier Woman Shelter in there uk, you Could Contact them and ask for help. Is there a musjid where your dad always goes to???go and talk to the imam,ask him for advice and also let the muslim comunity know about your fathers true colors.also tell him about the jin, i didnt really understand what you meant but im sure the imam can insh'Allah help you.your have to do sonst ging Now and get your Life back,always Pray to Allah and Make a lot of dua,insh'Allah Allah will help your, but you have to help yourself First dear and the Trust in Allah.
    Plan Everything carefully. Its not ging to be Easy in the beginning as i went through similar Situation With My develish dad(May Allah Punishment him insh'Allah AMeen) But allhamdullilah i got My Life back. You can too insh'Allah.

    • Sorry i only postet it once , i think its my phone sorry about the mistakes my phone is set on german and it changes automatically

    • Thankyou for your response sister,

      i understand your stance on having to help myself first, but sister i am extremely poorly, i have very very little money, my father is a very well known man in the community, there will be no benefits for me and my siblings/mother for telling everyone what he is really like, none except humiliation, furthermore the consequences of doing this could be fatal.

      I have previously seen a Raqi, he was not suitable, its true that i could possibly see another, however i don't have the money to fund that anymore.

      i can't report my dad to the police, because he is no longer beating me, i actually used to work for a shelter and fully understand the requirements of entering into one, i and my family don't meet them unfortunately.

      thankyou for taking your type to try and help

  5. Allahu mustaaan. I think i can help you

  6. sister Asalamu alaykum

    what your father has done is evil, you should call the police on him and tell them of his abuse.

    secondly TO rid yourself of the SIHR play audio recordings of the quran especially SURAH AL BAQARAH every day. Read Surah al ikhlas, Falaq and NAS 3 times each twice a day in the morning and evening.
    Also read Ayatul Kursi which is found in Surah Al Baqarah verse 255 [2:255] 4 times.

    you should go to the local imam and ask him to rid of the jinn (this is called Ruqyah.)

    Get married to someone if your DAD is forbidding you then he is DISOBEYING Allah and you should ask the local Imam to find you a suitable spouse.

    be positive even if the spouse/ candidate is already married in Islam wives have equal rights from the husband . Surah an NUR

    • Jazakallah khairan for trying to help, i do appreciate you taking your time brother/sister,

      Alhamdulliah I am doing self ruqyah everyday,

      I have previously commented in regards to the police and marriage not being an option,
      I did also mention i do not wish to be part of a pologamous marriage, hamdulliah i am aware of equal rights, yet i still do not wish to be part of a pologamous marriage.

      • Assalam Wa Alikum

        You sound like a smart women but not a very positive one. I think that you are very scared of what people would think in your community and expecially you really believe no one would believe the abuse you have been through but you are wrong, schools keep records and so do social services of children who have been abused. And people do notice that means people in your community maybe they are waiting for you to say something.

        Your options are

        1) Go to the police and prosecute your father for your past abuse, they can get records of prof from socials and teachers, these official records are kept for years.
        2) Call a women's help line for advice
        3) Apply for British Passport for you and your sister and as soon as you receive go to your local housing office and declare yourself homeless, they will give you temp place and then permanent after a year, it is not as scary or as worse as staying home. After you receive a temp place far away from home, you can look for a husband for yourself or sister, local mosque can help that is if that is what you want.
        4) Do nothing and be miserable the rest of your life because remember when you ask for Allah's help, Allah will create opportunities for you to get out but you must be brave and take them or be stuck miserable

        Your father has made you silent that is his power over you, you are not voicing what has happened to you to anyone in your community to know what he is really like also your letting him take your right to be safe, secure and at peace. Get yourself out of your situation for mental state, don't wake up one day losing all hope in Allah and wishing you didn't exists.

        Hope I have given some help sorry if I offended you in anyway

        • You haven't offended me at all brother, you have tried to help me, may Allah reward you,

          • Assalam wa Alikum

            I am glad to hear I did not offend you sister. I also want to say that I am a sister not a brother. May Allah reward you too and InshaaAllah you will find a solution for your problems.

  7. Assalamu alaykum sister,

    I agree with what Babli said. I do not have extensive knowledge on British passports. However, as she said Allah is giving you the signs and ways of leaving this situation. I know you have been through so much, I mean my heart is honestly breaking for you. But, the last thing I want you to do is sit in that house and torture yourself for the rest of your life. This will lead to an even more mental burden and hating yourself. No matter what it takes, you need to leave that house. I would rather be on the streets than living with someone like that. Your options do not come down to living on the streets though, because their are shelters you can stay in. Let go of the fact that you're scared of what the community and people will have to say. WHO CARES? If they talk, then know that Allah will punish them for it as it is a form of backbiting which is a major sin in Islam. Remember that you're never alone, and that Allah is always with you. As stated in Surah Qaf, Verse 16, He is closer to you than your own jugular vein. Do not think for a second that because of your condition etc no man will accept you. Believe me their are men in this world that would marry you in a heartbeat. You just need to take the steps of leaving that house and getting married. Your father has ruined your life, don't let him ruin your happiness as well. Get married, and start your own family and build your own happiness. Go to your local mosque, and tell a sheikh your story, and ask him to help you find a suitable partner.

    I hope that this has helped you, and I sincerely hope that you take the advice that has been given to you by your beloved brothers and sisters. May Allah make this treacherous trial easier on you and grant you a pious, loving husband who will help you in every way possible and make you the happiest wife. You're in my most precious duas. I love you for the sake of Allah.

    • Sister romesa,

      Thankyou so much for your comment it made me smile 😉

      I initially asked the question looking for some kind and motivational words rather then a solution which you have certainly given me, your so lovely mashallah......

      I believe this is my test, and perhaps i am one of the lucky ones in reality........... i hope 😉
      My illness is Jinn possession of which i have to treat everyday with hours of Ruqyah and am unable to live alone without assistance from my mother, I am not looking for a man to 'accept' me rather if/when i do marry i want to enter into that marriage as 'me' with the ability to be a wife, not pitied by some man or considered some sort of charity,

      believe or not sis i have been to the authorities before and have lived on the streets, because of my home life, i also have worked in homeless accommodations for women and lived in them, they couldn't be further then the ideal place for any Muslim, let alone a muslim woman, these places are riddled with prostitutes, drug users etc, wallahi i know......... its also not that easy anymore to even get a place in a hostel, i don' think i'm negative, just that i see that my options are limited in real terms

      May Allah give me strength inshallah, thankyou so much for your kind words sis xxxxxxxxxx

      • I am glad that I was at least able to make you smile. I wish I could do so much more for you. I don't think Babli meant what she said about you being negative. The reality is that we're all hurting so much for you that we want you to be out of this situation. I have been in a situation similar to yours, although Alhamdulilah my father is not abusive and has never laid a hand on me. I actually found this site a couple years ago, out of hopelessness. I posted my story hoping someone would be able to give me a comforting reply. However, coming back to this site years later, reading your story, and stories similar I'm realizing my problems are minuscule in comparison to yours. Also, in terms of your jinn possession, that is something that can be healed. Perhaps if you visit the masjid, and speak to someone their about your situation, they may do a ruqya with no fee. There are tons of videos on YouTube as well. How long have you been suffering from this Jinn possession?

        Don't think for a single second that if someone were to marry you it would be out of pity. Insha'Allah I hope and pray that you do find a man that is in love with you, and does not marry you out pity or remorse. Since you first wrote this post, how is the situation in your household currently? Is it as bad as it was before? If your father doesn't work, does your mother work? Why has your mother not filed for divorce yet? Do you have no family or anyone that you can turn to?

        • Sister, thank-you so much for your message, you made me smile again, that's twice now ;-)I found out about 1 year ago,  I have suffered with multiple physical ailments since very young and have been hospitalized over some, yet doctors have always been left baffled, I stumbled across a brother on YouTube talking about possession, the symptoms and methods of treatment, the symptoms sounded familiar, so i bought some senna leaves (one of his advice's) read Quran on them and drunk the mix, i wasn't feeling well that day so i asked my mum to read Quran on me so i could sleep ( i always read Quran before i sleep)as she did my eyes dilated, and a males voice spoke and said ('Get away from me you!) to my mum, i was stunned, I learnt of a good brother who performs ruqyah according to the sunnah, I went to see him a few days later, he asked me some questions, then he started to read the Quran, a few moments in i became unconscious and collapsed, then a males voice started to speak agaib ( The Jinn) it said it loved me and refused to leave my body, it said it had been in my body since i was 8.After i went to see the Raqi my symptoms got worse, apparently this can happen, when you start having treatment. I was collapsing all the time, strangling myself in the prayer, seeing peoples faces distorted, I'd throw up upon hearing the Quran, scream in agony during Ruqyah, although i'd feel no pain, but i could feel something moving around in my body, I stuck to the Ruqyah programme and Alhammdulliah, the seizures has almost completely stopped, I can pray my salat in peace, my symptoms have nearly all vanished subhallah, I still have some work to do, but inshallah i believe Allah brought this to my attention out of his mercy and will give me a complete shifa out of his mercy.i think my mum, decided to stick out the marriage over worries over where she would go, how she would find work after having cared for my disabled sibling for over 20 years until his death, she is a convert and a foreigner in the country we reside, and so probably felt afraid, i feel guilty a lot for my tinges of resentment.... I do have some family in the country i live in, but they are not Muslim, and have no interest in us since we are. The home situation is ok now sister, my father doesn't speak to any of us really, which is probably for the best, Being on this forum reading the situations of others also make me think, what right do i have to complain, its a good reality check!! someone has always got it worse.I'm sorry i think i was being a bit sensitive regarding the marriage thing and know you meant well,  thankyou for your well wishes, I really appreciate your kindness 😉 

          • Regarding the Raqi,

            He was performing Ruqyah according to the sunnah, and i maintain he is a good brother, he just began to fall short (very short) with his manners after a couple of sessions,

            He later tried to apologize to me, but i decided it would be best to not seek his services again,

            when i say he extorted me, i say that because when you pay for a service, you expect to receive the service you pay for with due care, sessions were cut short a few times, and a taxi service was expected, the raqi is well known in my community and his practice of Ruqyah is fine, but his delivery was occasionally questionable.

  8. Asalaam u alaikhum and good day,

    I am an experienced Raqi in Brampton. If you, any brothers and sisters should have the need for help let me know and may Allah bless your efforts. Humbly yours,

    Br. Farhaad Yusuf
    905-497-0785

    skype: far.YUSUF

  9. as salaamu alaikum dear sister!

    My heart weeps for you and your family, due to the Horrendous abuse that you've all had to suffer! It's obvious that Islaam hasn't penetrated your father's heart, but rest assured a great award awaits you in 'akhira for your enduring patience here in dunya. It appears your father is firmly in the grip of Shaitaan, and I pray that the Most Merciful soon opens his heart to the error of his ways, so he may make amends to his family before it's too late.

    You say you're too poor to get married but, believe me, there are so many lonely Muslim men out there, who don't care in the least if their future wife doesn't have a Penny to her name. This I believe is especially true for Caucasian reverts, who tend to find themselves stuck in the door way, as it were of the Muslim community. I understand your mother is also a revert? There are many Muslim Nikah sites, like Zawa,j and often they are Free for females, so sister why not give it a try? You'll be no worse off for it inshah'Allaah. Regarding your psychological problems I believe they will simply Vanish when you get a little Happiness in your life! Trust in ar Rahiym!

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