Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We want to be punished for our sins so that we can be purified

"And others have confessed their faults, they have mingled a good deed and an evil one; (perhaps) Allah will turn to them (mercifully); surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. Take alms out of their property, you would cleanse them and purify them thereby, and pray for them; surely your prayer is a relief to them; and Allah is Hearing, Knowing." Sura 9: 102 to 106

Assalamu Aleikum,

I am 24 years old and have been in love with a guy of same age for the last 6 years. We love each other very much. We have been wanting to get married for sometime now and tried to do so but because of college we are unable to do so yet. We have not told our parents about our relationship as they would not approve it till we are done with college. So Insha Allah we hope to get married next year as soon as college is done with.

But during the last four years we have been committing zina occasionally as we both thought that since we will be married that it wasn't so bad. But since recently we have both been studying Islam more deeply after watching some Islamic shows on various media and reading books, it is only then that we realised what a grave sin we both have been committing for so long. We feel so ashamed of ourselves now. We have repented so much during this time, and we both haven't met each other for over 4 months now as we are ashamed to see each other.

We have decided not to meet each other till next August when Insha Allah we will be free to be married. But we love each other very much so we do call each other on the phone but we have reduced this as much as we can too.

We feel that although we repent as much as we can seeking Allah (SWT)'s forgiveness, that we still have committed so much sin that we may not be granted Jannah. We want to be punished in this dunya for our sins according to the Qur'an. And accordingly it is 1oo lashes that is per person.

We dont mind going through any pain in this dunya if it will save us from pain in the akhira. Is there any way that this can be done ? As we live in a non-Arab, Buddhist country where laws and culture is very different. We sincerely repent every day but everytime we go past certain places we are reminded of the sins we committed there. We want to be in a halal marriage as soon as we can Insha Allah, but the thoughts keep coming over and over again. We have not told this to our parents as we feel ashamed as they may even disown us for the sin. My boyfriend has started going on Jamaat again as he had stopped it awhile back due to college work.

We both are very strong muslims now and want to be free of this burden and guilt. Is there any way we can be punished for our sins?

I firmly believe that Allah (swt) forgives those who repent sincerely as it is a part of Imaan to believe so.

But what we have done is so disgusting as we have learnt now and we feel hopeless sometimes. When we see pious Muslims and married people we feel so guilty that we may not have the happiness and blessings that they have in their marriages. But we both want to live a very Islamic life.

I have started wearing hijab and Insha'Allah hope to wear niqab after marriage as I want to be most faithful to my husband and please Allah (swt) but with the sin we have committed I feel so scared that we may not be blessed in our marriage like others are. We did all this truly not understanding the severity of the sin.

Please help us as we want to be tried in this dunya for it is such a burden in our hearts.

Also can you please mention whether talking on the phone only and not meeting up is possible to do? If it's not we dont mind stopping it altogether. We truly love each other very much but we love Allah (swt) more. So please please tell us what we should do.

May Allah (swt) bless you immensely and grant the entire Ummah Jannatul Firdous!

- repenterforlife

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8 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu alaikum sister. Im afraid im not very knowledgable, so I will give you my general opinion and some quotes InshaAllah - please correct me if I am wrong brothers an sisters..and Allah forgive me if anything I say is wrong.

    Alhumdulilah, you both have seen the errors of your ways and are coming back to the deen. You are both blessed sister because not everyone that falls into sin, finds their way back, or realises there mistake. My opinion is getting the punishment would be very difficult because of the different country u are in (away from islamic law)

    More importantly however, Allah Forgives. He is the MOST Merciful. We cannot begin to comprehend the extent of His Mercy and His capacity to forgive.

    Allah the Almighty said: “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.”(4)

    "Do not despair of God's mercy; He will forgive you of all your sins".Qur'an (39:53).

    For repentance to be accepted:
    1- Stop the sin.
    2- Regretting deeply and truly for the sin you committed.
    3- Return to Allah for forgiveness.
    4- Strong intention never to return to that same sin again.

    Allah says in the Qur'an:

    "Those (are the true believers) who, when they commit an evil deed, or wrong their souls, remember Allah, and seek forgiveness for their sins - and who but Allah forgives sins? They do not insist upon the sins they have committed, and they know (that Allah is forgiving)." (Qur'an 3:135)

    You both have realised your mistakes, and you have repented. As long as your repentence is sincere and you vow not to do it again, do you really think Allah (swt) will punish you?!

    Im sorry to say but believing that you need to be punished in order for Allah to forgive you, or believing that your sins are too great for Allah to forgive is a SIN in itself, because you are doubting the mercy of Allah. Even though you both have repented so much, you still (from the sound of your post) seem to be wallowing in your guilt, and this is what Shaytaan wants.

    When we commit a sin, obviously we should feel guilty and repent.
    But with believers, Shaytaan reminds you of the sin constantly, and makes you feel like you cant be forgiven, which can lead to us being consumed by our guilt for a long time afterwards. This is to stop us moving forward. Dont let him do this sister. - Im sorry if I sound harsh - but its important to know this.

    Alhumdulilah you are both stronger muslims. My advice to you:

    - Continue to repent when you remember the sin but dont dwell on it - dont let the guilt consume you. We are human and we make mistakes, but the true believers are those that repent sincerely.

    - Remember that Allah swt is the Most Merciful and He forgives those who sincerely repent.

    - Vow not to commit the sin again or to come near to commiting the sin. Personally I know its hard but I advise against talking on the phone with him or being friendly with him in anyway. Until you both are able to take the step into marriage, it may be better to cease contact altogether and resume contact (islamically) when you can marry InshaAllah.

    Alternatively if you cant wait - some Muslims who are in college and are not able to marry and live together for a while have (with the permission of families) done the nikah so they are able to at least see each other. How correct islamically this is, I am not sure - i know Rasool SAW did nikah with Aisha RA before living with her but youd have to check this out.

    - Move forward with your deen. If you repent after commiting a sin, Allah turns the sin into a good deed. Do more good deeds and work to please Allah (swt) Read Qur'an Make friends with Muslim sisters, keep busy with good halal activities. Helping people.

    - BE POSITIVE - A mu'min is positive - dont let negativity take over!

    Not to say dont move forward with deen or be contradictory, but go at the right pace. Some people vow to change overnight and do lots for a few days and then stop. Less and often is best, but you kno yourself and your capabilities.
    Also about Allah blessing your marriage, just because you made this mistake doesnt mean that Allah wont bless your marriage. Just make sure that you dont go anywhere near zina again. If you give up a sin for the sake of Allah, Allah will reward you, and InshaAllah will bless your life, and your marriage. As long as we are on siraatul Mustaqeem, Allah will help us InshaAllah.

    Hope this helps, sorry for the long post. Make Allah forgive me for any mistakes. and grant the Ummah Jannatul Firdaws. Ameen

    • MashAllah What A Lovely Reply, May Allah (Swt) Reward You For This Immensely (Ameen) ..* =))


    • SRMuslimah,

      That was a nice repy maashAllah. I just wanted to add that we should be grateful to Allah all the time because He(swt) has given us an easy way out. We do not need to punish and inflict pain on ourselves, this is sadisitic and not from Islam. Allah is the Most Merciful and has gifted us the promise of forgiving us if we sincerely repent; to the point that He(swt) will even wipe out our sins completely if He(swt) wishes so we wont be questioned on the Day of Judgement. We also have an obligation to cover up our sins and so should not make them known in order to obtain punishment. If Allah has concealed your sins, accept this as a Mercy from Allah, do tawbah and also be grateful to Allah for giving you understanding and for protecting your honour.

      We should not ask Allah to punish us; anyone who asks for this is asking for something terrible and does not have any idea of the gravity of what they are asking for. Allah does not want to punish us, He(swt) keeps giving us chances to turn back to Him(swt) so we can purify ourselves. Instead ask Allah to give us good and save us from bad. If you pray your Salaah, you may not have realised but you asking for this everytime you say the following dua:

      'Rabbana atina fid-dunya hasanatan wa fil 'akhirati hasanatan waqina 'adhaban-nar'

      It means: 'Our Lord! Grant us good in this world and good in the hereafter, and save us from the chastisement of the fire'. [2:201]


      With regards to marrying in secret until parents agree is completely wrong. Instead do your best to convince your parents, even if this means speaking to an Imaam. If you still do not win their approval/acceptance then take this as another test from Allah, another chance to prove yourself, another chance to make a sacrifice. Just this time - do what is pleasing to Allah. Even this test will be a blessing from Allah.

      So be grateful, do tawbah and make your life simple by just turning to Allah. Don't complicate something that does not need to be complicated. And remember that Allah(swt)'s Mercy overcomes His Anger.

      SisterZ Editor

  2. Salaam sister,

    I'm no scholar but i would like to share a comment. I would just like to add to what sister SR Muslimah has said, her reply sums up pretty much everything and i agree with her.

    It might sound harsh but you give the impression that you never knew what you were doing was wrong. You give the justification of we would get married so it isnt so bad. Only after you recently started studying Islam you realised it was wrong. How can this be it doesnt make sense nearly all world religions view on zina is that its wrong its not just that you have a moral compass which tell you its wrong...

    I think temptation got the better of both of you....thats why Islam encourages early marriage once you've reached the age of puberty & if you can afford it then you should try and get married. The problem is the waiting period -i'm waiting to finish my degree/master therefore put marriage on hold, some parents make it difficult even if theres no valid reasons for refusal or the girl is waiting for prince charming to arrive or the guy thinks hes gonna end up with a princess. In the mean time they have relationships always in search for the one set against unrealistic goals. I'm not saying you shouldnt find out about the person you want to get married but theres halal to get information.

    • Sister blueangel, assalaamu alaikum,

      Its abit of a late reply however I'd still like to say something in regards to what you have replied to sister repentforlife.

      It might sound harsh but you give the impression that you never knew what you were doing was wrong. You give the justification of we would get married so it isnt so bad. Only after you recently started studying Islam you realised it was wrong. How can this be it doesnt make sense nearly all world religions view on zina is that its wrong its not just that you have a moral compass which tell you its wrong...

      Of course everybody knows that zina is wrong, even the weakest muslim knows its wrong and forbidden however that doesnt mean that you knw HOW bad and sinful it is. It is only after studying the deen and especially after ones taqwa and Imaan is increased that one truly realises just how sinful it is!

      It is only after studying the quranic verses that a lot of muslims realise that with regards to other sins, Allah s.w.t tells us simply not to commit them etc. But with Zina, Allah s.w.t explicitly states 'Do not come near it'...and sin, can be frightening.

      I totally agree about with what you said about the 'waiting period.'

      Sister repentforlife, Remember that when Allah talks of punishing the sinners, he does mention nearly always if not always, 'except those who repent'...
      Alhamdulillah, thumma Alhamdulillah. 🙂

      Also I want to bring to your attention this hadith:

      (Sahih Bukhari: Volume 8, Book 82, Number 812 )

      Narrated Anas bin Malik:
      While I was with the Prophet a man came and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have committed a legally punishable sin; please inflict the legal punishment on me'.' The Prophet did not ask him what he had done. Then the time for the prayer became due and the man offered prayer along with the Prophet , and when the Prophet had finished his prayer, the man again got up and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have committed a legally punishable sin; please inflict the punishment on me according to Allah's Laws." The Prophet said, "Haven't you prayed with us?' He said, "Yes." The Prophet said, "Allah has forgiven your sin." or said, "....your legally punishable sin."

      🙂 Need I say more?

      Was salaamu alaikum

  3. assalamu alaikum sister
    Allah (SWT) has guided both of you to the right and the ultimate.congratulations..
    please dont despair of His Mercy and Bounty. your marriage will be blessed by the MOST MERCIFUL.
    and your sins will be forgiven by the MOST FORGIVING LORD.
    reminding past sins and grieving over it is a sign of strong Imaan but let it not consume you negatively are included in swaliheen s prayers ..
    so be positive in your journey to theUltimate...
    repent yourself constanlty and remind yourself you ve a Lord who s GHAROORU RRAHIM...

    your sister elderly

    • Salamualaikum wr wbr!

      May AllahSWT accept both of your repentance and bless you with a happy and islamically sound life and also a happy life in the akhira!

      @minnah: *GHAFOORU RRAHEEM 🙂

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