Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We want to get married but our parents say we have to wait

We want to have a halal relationship

We want to have a halal relationship

I am 21 years old and I have been in a haram relationship since a year now. It was very sudden. The man I am involved with and I am...or rather we used to be quite pious. We both come from religious families and up until last year we were both very against these kinds of relationships because we both understand what a great sin it is and especially feared that it could lead to Zinna. We both knew we liked each other but due to Islamic values we never spoke of it to each other. There was just an unspoken understanding.

But another man proposed to me and when this man found out he was so hurt that he accidentally blurted out his feelings for me and I was put on the spot. I knew I should say no but I feared that if I would say no we might lose the chance of being together ever because he might think I do not like him back. It was a moment of weakness which I regret every night before I sleep.

We both immediately decided we would not act on our feelings but may Allah forgive us for we seek His forgiveness with each namaz, we ended up meeting alone. Although we never went to the extremes of sexual acts. I feel ashamed to admit we hugged and exchanged kisses on the cheek and at times that became very intimate. Sometimes I end up crying just thinking about it but we both realized soon enough that we were going astray and we stopped even sitting close to each other. We only meet when our group of friends have a party.

I talked to my mother that I like him in the hope to make this halal but she said that when we are both done with our education only then she will consider him because she approves of him but my education comes first. But his family does not want him thinking of marriage at all right now so he cannot even voice his choice.

We have not touched each other in months and inshAllah plan to remain firm in our decision to not do so in the future either. We do tauba for all the actions we have committed.But this relationship itself is haram so I do not think my tauba has any value and that scares me. And I pray to Allah every day to either help me be strong enough to leave him or give us a way to do nikkah as soon as possible so this relationship can become halal.

Our families do not want us to be talking about marriage when its time for education so that means another 5 or 6 years of this haram relationship? Astagfar.

But if we end this now I know we will end up being distanced and neither of us want to marry someone else because of two reasons. We genuinely love and understand each other. I know he is genuine because we have the same social circles. And secondly, if you don't consider love an actual thing like many others.. after the shameful intimacy we have shared even if it was not on a great scale...we just feel obligated to marry one another.

Please help me. I request that you not be condescending and try to understand that I know this is haram but it's only easier said than done to leave someone you love so dearly and just walk away. I know it is a great sin and this is the only solution other than marriage. But could you at least guide me to be stronger or to reduce the level of sin I'm involved in? May Allah bless you.

guiltyconscience

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11 Responses »

  1. Why don't you just communicate via email? It will save you from a lot of sin or speak to him in the presence of a mahram?

    • true! get engaged and then inshaAllah you both will be commited and then can talk to each other with the presence of a wali

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    It may be that your parents are concerned that if the two of you marry now, that your education might suffer. So one option would be to speak with them about how you would want to continue your studies, not rush into living together etc, and you want to make your relationship halal. If your parents continue to refuse to think about the two of you marrying, then both of you might want to have an imam or a respected member of the community speak with them about why a nikah wouldn't mean the end of your education.

    If this guy is serious about wanting to be with you, then he needs to discuss the matter with your wali and propose marriage. If your wali then refuses for non-Islamic reasons, you can ask an imam or relative to help resolve things.

    One thing that concerns me is that your post suggests that, if your parents don't agree to marriage, you would intend to continue being in a haram relationship. Sister, no guy is worth deliberately going against Allah's guidance. Is it really worth risking, when on the Day of Judgement we stand before Allah and have to account for our actions?

    This life is a test, and part of that test is staying on the straight path even when it's hard, even when the whispers of "it's only for a little bit... I'll repent later... it's not my fault really" can seem really tempting. But that "little bit" could be years, the rest of your life, enough time for something to happen that can't be undone; when we say "we'll repent later" - how do we even know there will be a later?; and free will means that we are accountable for our actions and choices - unless truly incapable (eg. due to severe mental disorder).

    My advice would be to try to convince your parents to consider marriage between the two of you, stop any interactions that go beyond Islamic limits between non-mahrams, and make tawbah for the sins that have taken place. If your parents have non-Islamic objections, you can involve an imam or relative to mediate, and if the guy is certain enough that he wishes to marry you, then he doesn't actually need the approval of his parents to do so.

    Trust in Allah. If we follow His guidance, we can trust that His plan for each of us will be what is best for us in this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • If my parents do not agree to marriage I will try to convince them as much as I can but if Allah does not will this then I will accept it and cut off all my ties with him.

  3. OP: I feel ashamed to admit we hugged and exchanged kisses on the cheek and at times that became very intimate. Sometimes I end up crying just thinking about it but we both realized soon enough that we were going astray and we stopped even sitting close to each other. ...........I talked to my mother that I like him in the hope to make this halal but she said that when we are both done with our education only then she will consider him because she approves of him but my education comes first.

    But his family does not want him thinking of marriage at all right now so he cannot even voice his choice.

    You already stopped sitting together. I guess both of you did everything you guys could do without doing intimacy on a great scale.

    Your friend's family does not want him to think about marriage. Don't be surprised if he marries his cousin in few months. "He can't even voice his choice" is not a good signal.

    Just focus on your studies and hope for the best.

    • My friend's family does not want him to think about marriage because of his studies and career. I understand his position because my family is the same about my brother. Like my brothers, my friend to has been given the option of marrying by his choice but only after he gets his education completed.

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    I really do not think that your parents or his parents are making a wise decision. Forgive me for saying that, but if indeed they agree to the marriage but want you to wait for 5 to 6 years so that you may focus on education, you and him won't. Both you and him will be far from focused and I would imagine that you would be more focused if at the ver least a Nikah was done between the both of you.

    I have known numerous successful couples who have had Nikah done and they (both husband and wife) continued to study after. If you are willing to understand his challenges while he is a student and he is willing to discuss these matters with your father and work out a plan, I don't see a single reason for delaying this. Personally, I feel parents who make their children wait, especially when children are in their twenties, are making them suffer.

    Having said that, you and him need to bear the brunt of your choices--meaning, you and him both must talk to your parents and involve an Imam if necessary to get the both of you married. If you and him wont do it because you are scared of your parents or scared of society, then you are not putting Allah swt above all things. Entering a halal relationship (marriage) these days is getting more and more difficult due to all sorts of small matters and it is very unfortunate.

    If your parents don't agree or in the case that one set of parents agree, don't give up. Sometimes parents want to know how serious you are and they may not being considering you mature enough and you would have to prove that. Talk to them and be open as you can--be kind and respectful in your words.

    One thing for sure, do not give up on seeking a halal relationship. Make sure you do not meet him alone.

    May Allah make it easy for both of you, inn shaa Allah, Ameen.

  5. OP: I talked to my mother that I like him in the hope to make this halal but she said that when we are both done with our education only then she will consider him........But his family does not want him thinking of marriage at all right now so he cannot even voice his choice.

    If you friend really likes you he should let his parents know about you. His parents should approach your family. Your mom has not approved your friend, but WILL CONSIDER HIM.

  6. We live in a society where education and career are considered above all and marrying at the age of 21 is considered ridiculous. So even though our parents are religious they hold these concerns. I talked to my friend and he said he will talk to his parents as soon as he graduates. That means 4 more years. But he says inshAllah they would not have a problem because our families are really compatible. That is also the reason why my mother has approved of him but she does not know that we have confessed to each other. She just knows about our unspoken understanding and she is on board with us getting married once the man starts 'earning to be able to support his wife'. I have met with his sisters and they really like me too.

    For now, we have just decided to stay in the limits we had set for each other before confessing our feelings. Therefore, we do not meet alone and we do not indulge in even virtual hugging/kissing that couples do on text messages. We talk as friends and honestly I think this motivation to make our relation as pure as possible has made our love and respect for each other grow further. We encourage each other to do Namaz and stay firm in our Islamic values.

    May Allah make things easier for us and may He make this relation halal for us and may this marriage be what He chooses best for us.

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