Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We want to marry but his family do not agree

True Love


I am a 20 year old woman who lives in Britain. I met a man over 4 years ago when I began college and a year after that I started to like him, I was not a praying muslim then and I deeply regret that I had been in a relationship with him prior to that for 3 years (on and off because we were immature and would have break ups over silly things and also due to being busy with university as after college we were in different cities for university). We ended our relationship 6 months ago and this was all a big build up from a long time ago.

His parents are very cultural, they're pakistanis too but him and his siblings mother and father were all born in pakistan and only came here about 7 years ago so they are a lot more cultural than me and my family. His mother knew I am his friend and at the time I WAS only his friend it was only until after that that we had gotten into a relationship however she was never fond of me even as just his friend as I was very close to him and my image came off very inappropriate to her although I was never that sort of girl. He is the only man I have loved or have ever wanted to marry. Time went on and we thought that we would be able to get around his mum and he was always honest to me about what his mother thought of me and how his dad dislikes british girls even more than his mother.

His elder sister knew about me and we spoke a few times and she also seemed to like me however he has another sister younger than her but elder than him who brought the topic up during summer about me and he told them that he likes me and wants to marry me but his sisters explained that giving me hope is wrong because his mother doesnt like me and what hes doing isnt right.

They thought i wouldnt fit in with them because they all speak in urdu to each other and their jokes and things would be different to me although i DO know urdu and i am very much in touch with my roots as my parents are both pakistani born too and have taught me everything i need to know. He told me then what his sisters had said to him and of course this worried me as they are older and they would know better so I told him to just tell me upfront what he wants and if he thinks its not going to happen to just end everything now however he told his elder sister my reaction and she was heartbroken and very much supportive of the idea of him marrying me because of my reaction as I was telling him in a online conversation how I always thought the fact that me and him got along and we had the same ideologys and views that it would be enough for us to be able to be married and how that even though im pakistani just the fact that im british born would end all of that and make me not marriage material?

His sister then told him she would talk to his parents about me and she did and when his dad spoke to him about it he didn't mention me at all all they talked about was how hes young and needs to be financially secure and basically indirectly made out to him that hes young and what he thinks is love isn't and hes not making the right decisions.

His mother also asked him what my father and mother do and my mother and father are not educated therefore she concluded to him that we'll be uncivilised people and our families won't get along as his mother is a teacher and his father has a medicine degree.

Prior to this we began having arguments because of what was happening so he went to his mother and told her to do istikhara and told me to as well. It was the first time i was doing istikhara and i dreamt of a green pineapple that night and hed told me isitikhara is to do with colours that you see in your dream but when i woke up i thought that maybe i wanted to see that thats why it happened so i repeated it again and i again saw a green shirt in my dream and stopped doing istikhara.

His mother began doing istikhara and she was not seeing anything for many days and me and my family and also him and his family were going on holiday in a few days (of course seperately) so i was getting very frustrated and impatient to the point where then i told him i dont want to marry him as when i told him to do istikhara he refused as he felt its wrong because his mother is doing it at the same time however i did say very horrible things to him that i would have never been happy with him etc but while i was on holiday i ended up speaking to him and he told me that after i left him his mother had seen a bad dream indicating our marriage would not be good but then we gradually became friends with the intention that we will never be in a relationship again and weve left it to Allah and if its going to happen it will.

My mother knows about him and his family and everything and she just wants me to be happy. I believe that when his family do meet me they will like me but im unsure if i will ever have the opportunity of meeting them. Im confused about the istikhara and what it means and also about what to do and how to tackle this problem.

He currently does not have a job as we are both in our 2nd year of university and we will be finishing in summer 2016. I pray i do marry him because i really do care for him.

His family are genuinely nice people and caring people they have just never met me and are very protective over their son as he is the youngest and they feel he is naive and doesnt know what hes doing. I still have great respect for both him and his family.

Currently we both have strengthened our imaan and pray 5 times daily and have realised what deep sin we have committed and sincerely repent for that and pray to not do it again.


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6 Responses »

  1. Wa alaikum salaam sister,

    I can understand the anxiety and pain you are going through after being split from the one you love and wanted to marry.

    Now, there is no need to state the nature of your relationship with this guy, alhamdulillah because you are practicing Islam you know yourself whether it was right or wrong.

    My comment here is merely to suggest and affirm one thing - let the guy go, cut off all contact and let it be, if its a no, then its a no. Remember Allah is in control of all things, and possibly this guy isnt the one you are meant to marry, or this guy isnt the one for you right now and Allah is delaying your plans for a more convenient time.

    Understand marriages which are generally forced and families are unhappy do tend to be riddled with problems from the in-laws, sisters whatever or wherever the problem comes from. Try to approach his parents or his parents to approach yours, if its still a no then please take step back.

    If you are guys, by the will and plan of Allah, are destined to marry, because remember marriage in Islam isnt just for our dunya, but for our akhirah, then 100% without a shadow of a doubt, even if the whole world didnt want you guys to marry, you guys would marry.

    Sister, its very simple, but hard as it hurts especially when you let go of someone without it being a fault from either of you. But be patient, trust in Allahs plan, let go of the guy, tell him to delete all your stuff, your number, its going to hurt, but you need to move on and find yourself again.

    If you want to marry him, then pray to marry him and Allah will give you whats best, but right now keeping in contact with him will only cause you problems and will be futile.

    Remember Allah is the Controller of the Heavens and the Earth, Allah separated the sea for Musa alayhis salaam, brought Yunus alayhis salaam up from the depths of the ocean, and split the moon for the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam, if Allah can do all this, dont you think the most powerful will arrange for and give you whats best for you at the right time?

    Insha Allah, let yourself grieve and recover, trust fully in the plan of Allah, and let go of this guy no matter how much it hurts, as Allahs help is always near, to the believer.

  2. As salaam alaykum Ukhtee, I quite understand your plight just as @true seeker does. My philosophy in life is this "whatever is meant to be yours will never pass you by. And whatever passes you by, was never meant to be yours". My point is this, if Allah wills, if Allah says he is the best for you, then have faith and never lose you Iman. No one would be able to stop you from coming together if he is meant to be yours. Do your istikharah and pray steadfastly. Allah will surely do the best. Never despair sis, wallahu 'Alam

    • Dear Brother

      I believe that the correct philosophy is that Allah expects us to commit mistakes but also expects us to learn from them and not to commit them again. Such an attitude of accepting and correcting mistakes is unfortunately non-existent in eastern Islamic societies.

      We loose precious things in our life because of our own wrong attitude in life that needs to be corrected and straightened up.

  3. OP: His mother knew I am his friend and at the time I WAS only his friend it was only until after that that we had gotten into a relationship however she was never fond of me even as just his friend as I was very close to him and my image came off very inappropriate to her although I was never that sort of girl. He is the only man I have loved or have ever wanted to marry.......We ended our relationship 6 months ago and this was all a big build up from a long time ago.

    I am sure his mother and other members of his family did not care what his son did with you. His mother would never allow her daughters to be friends with "guys".

  4. If your meant to be your meant to be. Another thing you both could still marry by getting both families and telling them its your choice and your life. Seems to me his family is making up excuses after excuses like a typical Pakistani family would never mind there son was not all innocent either.

  5. Keep dialogue win hearts over... And stay halal halal way is bleesedd. Ppl may be holding back bcz thy have sme concersn adress thiss.. win ppl over one by one...use dua

    Sometimes its nt meant to be. But also if u dnt try u dnt gt so if u bth honestly believe this try winning then over in best ways possible

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