Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What should I do about her infidelity?

Woman holding mobile phone

Dear Muslim Brothers and Sisters,

I caught my wife cheating on me in first week of February. I supported my wife during our 3 years of marriage. I listened to her problems and have been a source of solution to almost all her problems. When she cheated on me using skype and whatsapp, I was so shocked as to why she did not tell me. She claimed to love me, and almost stopped me from pursuing any career opportunities outside of the country because she would be alone.

when I confronted her she said "what can I do? If  I did it, I did it. What do you want to do?" I asked her if she wants to live with me, and she said yes. She didn't bother in apologizing. I called her father and invited him to come to my house and talk, but he said he is busy.  Moments later he called my wife and said "don't worry, I am with you. I will destroy this person". I heard it through the cellphone, as the voice was coming out of internal speakers.

I then called her mother, and she said to me that I was lying. I had proof of the act, but her parents seemed to support her. I said "it's better that you go home without our child" (I have one son). When she was leaving she was crying for the son, and out of pity I told her "you may take the son and think what have you done".

She went, and two days later she called and came back and said "I am sorry, I will never do it again".

Two days after that,  I called her from my office around 1300 and her number was on waiting. She picked up immediately and said that she was on the other line with her mother. I said ok. when I returned home I checked her call logs- she did talk to her mother, but not at that time. No call history showed at my time of the call but mine. Being a tech geek, I checked the local operator's website and found that she was talking to another number for 4 hours daily.

I want to clarify one thing: my marriage was based on love. She used to say that she is not worth marrying , that I am a very religious person and no one marries me. I told her to let me talk to my mother and I will send a proposal. I did, and after lots of complications from her side (which included her father beating her in public and at a relatives house) she finally came to my house before our marriage and said "I will not go home- marry me or I will live on streets". I immediately took her to the local women's police station, and then we got married with the help of the law. My parents supported me and her entirely.

After marriage she didn't even talk to my family living in the same house. All of a sudden, her parents are the best people to her. This was done since the day of our marriage, it's not because of recent incidents.

After the recent incident when I showed her the call logs, I asked her to rethink why she is doing it. She denies it completely and says that it is due to some error. I almost believed it until I saw a message from the same number, and it was saved with the name of her mother. I told her to think until morning and I would call from myoffice. when I called, she said she wants to go home because I am a skeptical person and there is no charm in her life; to which I responded "you do not even pick your clothes when you change them- it is me who comes from the office and picks them". She said she wants to work and go out without me and I am not allowing her to do that. I told her that this relationship is very important to me, and almost had tears in my eyes, but she still went. After that I found out she had multiple mobile numbers that she used.

After that she went home, and it's been 48 hours that she hasn't bothered to talk with our son or me. I don't know what will happen, or how I will deal with it. Her parents do not understand these issues- they do not even pray ever.

I am lost and only have Allah to ask for help. Any help would be appreciated. For any SISTERS out there, your thoughts would be really guiding as I want to make this relationship work because of my child and because I still care for this relationship and love my wife. I have sacrificed everything.


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14 Responses »

  1. Subhanallaah,,,
    This Dunya is the opposite...
    When the the husband is honest and sincere to his wife, the wife will cheat him
    and when the wife is honest and sincere to her husband, the husband cheats..
    I went through almost the same problems as you with my ex fiance...
    May Allah guide us...
    Brother this life is a test for the believers. Advice your wife. remind her of Allah, of Akhirah and of Jannah and Naar... May be Allah will guide her through you and your patience.
    Whatever you do, do it for the sake of Allah that way you can live life of free guilt if you end up divorcing or getting back together...
    For some reason, the good muslim sisters are afflicted with harsh spouses
    And the good muslim brother is afflicted with irresponsible and careless sisters...

    May Allah guide you and show you the way..

    • Very negative approach sister. I agree that bro waqasf needs to just have sabr and act in the way that is guided by prophet rasoolala pbuh, but please dont bring his spirits down with negative namings of groups. Not all men are pigs and not all women are cheaters; Allah makes us all different and beautiful.
      Salam alaikum

  2. Asalamoalaikum brother Waqas,

    I am very sorry to hear about your pain. I can but imagine what you are going through. You seem like a genuine person with a good heart and inshAllah with every pain comes ease, so continuously remind yourself of this fact.

    You have to ask yourself why do you want to be with this woman? Is it because she is your wife and the mother of your son? Is it because you spent a prolonged period of time with her? Is it because you fear you won’t find anyone else? I understand that these are important reasons but what about qualities like loyalty, trust and respect? By cheating on you is your wife honouring your marriage? Is she showing you respect? Most importantly is she honouring Allah swt’s laws?

    Every marriage has its ups and downs. Sometimes things go great and other times things turn pale. Why do you want to be with someone who is with you only when life is at its peaks full of excitement but when things don’t go her way or she loses excitement she wanders away. How can you feel secure with such a person? If she was truly remorseful and realized the gravity of her sin, it would seem understandable to me that you are willing to re-consider her but when she has no shame why are you wasting your time brother?

    I suggest you do istikhara and ask her for the final time, is she willing to give up her haram ways and make this marriage work? This means she may be monitored for some time and lose some autonomy to regain your trust. If she is willing to go through this and make her marriage work then go for marriage counselling and save your relationship. Otherwise, I believe it is best you cut your losses and perhaps ask her for full custody of your son so that you can raise him in a proper Islamic environment.

    May Allah swt ease your pain and allow you to make a decision that is best for your duniya and akhira, ameen.

    -Helping Sister

  3. Brother I hope you’re doing well, first of all I would like to assure you that. Allah would’ve never burdened you with this calamity if you weren’t built for it.

    My heart ached for you as I was reading your post, as you definitely don’t deserve such a treatment from your wife. Although this is only your side of the story I have no doubt that you’ve done what you can.

    I’m a firm believer that we are where we come from, not geographically but where we come from in terms of family. A family that’s lead by parents that instill Islamic values, respect, kindess, honesty and fill their home with love and harmony, raise decent human beings. Your wife lacks decency, due to where she came from. The comment her father made on the phone, and the way her parents handled this issue, is clear that they themselves lack morals. They don’t pray, and clearly don’t follow Islamic teachings in trying to be just; instead they are aiding their daughter in wrecking her own home. When the foundation itself (the parents) is shaky, how on earth is it possible to build anything on it that actually stands TALL?

    Your wife is a pathological liar, selfish and lacks decency. Actually she was decent at one point and admitted that she “is not worth marrying”, which should’ve been alarming to you. You dated before marriage, and I’m wondering how you didn’t see her character or the type of family she comes from. Even though she practically begged you for marriage, and I get the feeling that you complied out love and pity. Even then you seem more ready for the commitment. She begged you to marry her, but wasn’t fit to take on the responsibility of a wife or a mother (being that she’s able to just up and leave her son). I believe that she loves the attention she gets from other men and YOU, and wants to continue this charade even after marriage, because her marriage to you was simply a temporary relieve from the situation at the time.

    Here’s what I recommend you do:

    If you want her to come back and be the wife and mother that you and your son deserve let her stay with her parents. Don’t contact her, don’t call her, and don’t beg her to come back. She’s a very indecisive person, and will soon realize that she made the wrong decision. As her parents will definitely not care for her the way you did, and all the men she talks to will soon find another. She will realize her mistake, she will call you. When she does, you should try to make it work, but under certain conditions:

    1) She needs to strengthen her relationship with Allah, and needs to fear Allah. I suggest you try to teach her more about Islamic morals, and what it means to be a good wife/mother.
    2) If I were you I would make her call the men she’s been talking to in front of you on speaker, and she has to tell them not to call,text,or email her again, because it was a mistake and that she’s trying to work on her marriage….this needs to be done in front of YOU.

    Having rules, doesn’t only ensure that she will come back a better person, but this will actually make her respect you. Right now, you are too forgiving, she knows you have a big heart and isn’t afraid of you actually leaving her, you need to give her the notion that you are actually valuable and can be lost too!!!
    If you call her or beg her to come back, she might, but what kind of lesson is she learning!!!!Plus she might cheat again, because now she know there are no consequences.

    You have done what you can, get some help with your son from your family, focus on work, and don’t worry. Have faith in Allah, pray, pray, pray, help others in need, spend time in the masjid, go on outings with your friends, try to live normally, and put all trust in ALLAH

    I try very hard not to tell people what to do with their relationships, in terms of divorce or staying together, out of fear of giving the wrong advice, and falling in to a sin, because in the end Allah knows , and it’s all written…in the end, this is just an opinion, take what benefits you from it.

  4. Wa3alaykum assalaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh

    Brother, may Allah swt ease your problem. It is really shocking and we ask Allah to safe this ummah from such a thing like this.

    After reading your post I could see there so many flaws that allowed her to do what she has done. People don't commit any infidelity without having green light.

    It is said, once a cheater will be a cheater if Allah swt doesn't guide them to straight path.

    I believe, one of the main reasons that they cheated on you was that she didn't feel that you are real man in her life, who can take control, set boundaries so you were being so nice to her and that gave to her the green light to do whatever she wants.

    You suffered something called Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, I am not saying that you should be hash and ruthless and no mercy type of person but you didn't do you job the way a real man should do cuz for her to commit this infertility there must be something earlier than that.

    What is the solution

    1- ask this question to yourself "do you want a sinner in your house who didn't repent to Allah swt sincerely? If no
    2-you should evaluate your life and learn who to lead you family.
    3- you should try to go consoling in order to gain you life back.
    3- you should never and ever contact her first until she realises the crime she committed and repents it sincerely.
    4- if she comes back, you should learn how to set boundaries.

    If you need to learn more read this book though it is Kaffir's book but still some lessons to learn "No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover".

    I ask Allah swt to make to ease for you and you family and replace this person a better person who appreciates you more and leads to be closer to Allah swt.

    • I was in shock reading your story marsallah your such a good husband and person, she should be thankful to have you as a husband you gave her so many chances, if that was me my husband would have left me not even thinking about it that is just sad to see such a sweet person and so much pain!! Honestly I have to agree you just to nice and she knows you will take her back again and again so let her beg you and say sorry to you for doing this to you and your son and know that she is 100% a change person!! A other thing is she knows her parents are on her side and will take her back so she does what she does!!! Sorry my English isn't that good I hope this help.

    • But u forgot to tawk bout her rotten familys evil they also plotted against this innocent brotha, and he shuddnt attack his virtue of kindness (as mohammad never did with all 11 of his wives, pobrecíto ) but he shud be tackling the horrible sins of his abusers also to prevent any further damages and the dangers their child also faces when probably mistreated and abused by that trashy woman and her scheming family...
      This is an outrage and violence against men, something we unfortunately tawk about even less than violence against females... she is a violent and abusive woman.... u as a brother cud be so much more influential than a sister, in reaching out against domestic violence like this

  5. Brother,

    Let your wife go home to her parents. Some woman are too stupid and naive to see a good thing when they have it. Keep working hard for your son and enjoy him. There are many, many Muslim sisters around the world who pray for a man of your caliber. Within a marriage, trust is crucial. Your wife uses and abuses your trust without a care in the world and continues to do so. Who needs to put up with that?


  6. Thank you everyone for helping me out! May Allah (swt) help us all.

    "My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!" (28:24)

    • Salaams

      I believe there are many sisters out there who would be grateful to find a husband who is willing to be a good husband, fearing Allah and respecting the aim of marriage to be a garment to one another. I hope brother that you will find one of these sisters and live a long happy married life with her al-Hamdu lillah!

  7. Ws
    She sounds like my husband. Lying deceitful and a player.

  8. Did you say you pick up her clothes. She is lucky to have you and you deserve wayyy better.

  9. I am actually non-Muslim, Christian actually, 35 yr old male, single, no children. I came across this post and was compelled to reach out to this man who was betrayed in such a hurtful and unfortunate way by the woman who is supposed to love him most. I realize this post is quite old and while I wish you nothing but the best. Furthermore, I hope that either you and your wife have reconciled and are now happily living as a cohesive familial unit-husband and wife according to God's will-and most of all, even if you are no longer together I hope you have found resolution from this abysmal scandal and now have a happy heart and clear mind. And while I hope this does not come off in an offensive manner or serve to somehow make it seem as if I am trivializing your struggles, but could you please update us as to whatever became of your marriage as well as how you and your wife are now doing?
    Thank You. Be strong brother.
    God Bless

  10. Dump her and her whole nasty family. They had plans to use you for some ruse.... but u DESERVE A REAL MUSLIM WIFE. YOUR CHILD DESERVES A REAL MOTHER THAT WILL NOT NARCISSISTICALLY ABUSE NEITHER OF YOU.

    And dear techie, a simple search of totally halal singles muslim sites will testify to the fact there are so many willing just as desperate sisters out there, u wud be the answer to one anothers' prayers .

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