Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What are female rights to sex?

Sexual Relations in Islam

Sexual Relations in Islam

Hi, I have been married for 9 years, and I never had a crazy desire for sex before in my life. I want it to be passionate, hot and steamy sex....and want it more then once a day, and I want it everyday... :O !! Am I addicted to sex!?!
Problem is that, husband wants it once and doesn't mind giving sex to me, every other day. His age is 35 while I am 28. Lately I have also discussed one more issue about my husband, thinking to re marry because we don't have children. but in the last two years i had two pregnancies and both ending into miscarriage.I know my husband is not involved with anyone.

I also feel I got more sexually active after my miscarriages, and seek for sex more. Is this normal?? and mostly my husband says no to me, especially after my miscarriages. Last month we went to Germany for a month, and whenever I asked for sex,  he said no to me. I understood that in Germany we lived in a small house where his mother father and sister stayed also. So we shared a room with his sister, she used to sleep on the floor while we both where on the bed. So he said no for that reason, and I understood. but 2 days latter in the same room in the same situation he wanted sex, and his sister was sleeping in the room. and he insisted that he will have sex, and i said ur sister is sleeping on the floor he said nothing and starting having sex with me. it felt a little like forced sex to me.. anyways after that he didn't have sex with me, and didn't full fill my need, when I wanted it. Plus I felt more far apart from him, as he said he wanted to have a second wife, many times that month too. I felt that he wasn't attracted to me and doesn't want to fulfill my needs. I felt ugly, stressed and misused because he would have sex when I want it but will give it to me when he wants it. like only once a month....

My questions are:

Do I have any right in sex, other then pleasing my husband alone? Is there anywhere that it states that a girl should have some right in sex as well, other then just pleasing? Don't we women have the right to be pleased??? If my husband says no to me, is there any punishment for him? As for women angels will curse me all night long, would this happen to him also, because I am really dishearten when he says no. Is sex only for a man's pleasure or is it for woman also? Please try to help me with these question so I can educated him, and tell him if he is doing wrong.

I feel ugly, and hated by him. and since he wants to re marry, i think he doesn't want to have sex with me and is bored of me. I have done everything to help him be closer to me, I talked with him about sex, and how he wants it. I get no response just your fine the way you are, but why I don't feel that, there is no passion in him.

Please tell me my rights as a female on sex? Also tell me his rights as a male on sex?? Is it wrong for a female to be addicted to sex or to ask for sex??? I need help!!! I also need tips in how I can make him more attractive and intimate with me....I want him to feel that no one can please him or make him happy, more then me. HELP WANTED!!

I need help with answers to the questions I asked above.... JazakALLAH.

ANNA

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9 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Men have a right to have sex with their wives any time, except for when a woman is bleeding. He is prohibited from having anal sex at all. All men are encouraged, per hadith, to woo women and engage in foreplay with them before engaging intercourse, so the wife can be equally pleased as him. Considerate men will not force sex if their wife is ill or in pain or perhaps even exhausted, even though it may be their right.

    Even though there is not much that specifically outlines the sexual rights women have over men, most scholars agree that it is equal, since wives and husbands are a refuge to each other from sin and temptation. Women who have high libido should, however, keep in mind that men may have performance difficulties just based on their ability to attain frequent or sustained erections. However, a man can still please his wife in other ways besides intercourse if she needs it.

    As women reach their 30's, their libido tends to increase. This may explain what you are experiencing. It also may be a change in your hormonal levels following your miscarriages. I wouldn't say that desiring sex frequently or feeling aroused a lot is a problem unless it's causing severe difficulty in your daily routine. In your case, your husband's willingness to satisfy you seems to be the only issue.

    Part of his reluctance may be due to the fact that because he is in his mid-30's, his libido is decreasing (basically men work in opposite directions as women, as they reach their sexual peaks in their late teens/early 20's.). However, his expression to have another wife seems to contradict that. Clearly there are some things with him that are not adding up, and that has you concerned

    If you have done all you can to try to talk about this issue with him and nothing has changed, it may be time to see a marital therapist. They can help you work out whatever issues are underlying your sexual dynamics, and help you find resolutions. A lot of time problems in the bedroom are really a reflection of other tensions that need to be worked out.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Hi amy,

      thank you for your reply.

      The new reason he gave me for not being sexually engaged with me is, that I can't give him kids. he said to me that there is no need for sex if there is no out come for it. i told him sex is not for kids only it is to improve relationship and love too. but he doesn't care, i guess my love is one sided now he doesn't love me anymore.

      thank you for you help and comment. i just going to find a job and get independent as soon as possible so i will be able to live alone and take care of myself with out a husband.

      Anna

      • ANNA..

        I understand your problem even though i am bachelor :/... but can surely feel the pain. one thing i would suggest you is to stay calm and let it go for sometime... mens always irritates when wife becomes or girlfriend become cheap and sticky. u just give it a break this might not work am not sure but u can consider it as a last attempt to save your marriage life.. Ignore for some time just dont ask for a sex like perv.. simply let it to .. else you have last option for sepration as decided by you.

  2. ASSALA,ALAIKUM-
    Uthman bin Maz’un was a close companion of the Prophet. One day his wife came to the Prophet and complained, “O Messenger of God! Uthman fasts during the day and stands for prayers during the night.” In other words, she meant to say that her husband was avoiding sexual relations during the night as well as the day. The Prophet was angered. He did not even wait to put on his slippers. He went to Uthman’s house and found him praying. When Uthman finished his prayers and turned towards the Prophet, he said, “O Uthman! Allah did not send me for monasticism, rather He sent me with a simple and straight [Shariah]. I fast, pray and also have intimate relations with my wife. So whosoever likes my tradition, then he should follow it; and marriage is one of my traditions.”
    SEEING THIS HADEES WE CAN UNDERSTAND THAT WHERE THE RIGHT OF A WOMAN IS CONCERNED EVEN PRAYER AT NIGHT IS SECONDRY BECAUSE THE WOMEN ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT ON SEX WHEN EVER THEY WANT LIKE THE HUSBAND NEEDS-
    SO SHE IS CURSED BECAUSE HE MIGHT GET ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE ELSE IF SHE REFUSES VISE VERSA IS THIS HADEES POINT OF VIEW THAT HER RIGHTS ARE NO LESS-
    WHEN THE PROPHET SALALAHAUALAIHIWASALAM TO THE SAHABA -STRAIGHT WITH SO MUCH OF SERIOUSNESS WITHOUT WASTING TIME EVEN FOR A SECOND-IT IS VERY VERY SERIOUS MATTER-
    YOUR HUSBAND MUST BE SHOWN THIS HADEES SO THAT HE UNDERSTANDS HE IS NOT INDEPENDANT IN HIS OWN RIGHT TO PLAY WITH YR EMOTIONS-AND LOOK THE OTHER SIDE-
    In islam husband and wife both have the right for sexual satisfaction, a spouse's sexual advances should be welcomed.
    women’s right for sex in Islam:And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise (2:228).

    One basic right of every husband and wife taking on a contract never to have sex other than with their own legitimate partner is that each spouse should therefore provide sexual fulfillment (imta') to the other, as part of the bargain.

    A women’s right for sex with their husband is established from the Qur’an and authentic Sunnah (hadith) from the Prophet (peace be upon him).

    In the Qur'an we read: {turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging} (4:129) . Further the Prophet approved Salman's word to Abu al-Darda': “_and your wife has a right over you.” (Sahih Bukhari, Vol.7, No. 127)) This unanimously means cohabitation.

    And al-Qurtubi said: “She has over him the same right of sexual cohabitation he has over her.” (Tafsir for 2:178).

    “Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are garments for you and you are garments for them.” [Qur’an, 2.187]

    “Among the rulings of marriage is that each spouse is allowed to derive sexual pleasure from the other.” [ Radd al-Muhtar, 3.4]
    Also: "...on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (The Noble Quran, 4:19)"

    “According to the Qur’an, the purpose of marriage is to attain sukun (tranquility and peace; see for instance verses 30:21; 7:189), which can never be achieved through impulsive sexual fulfillment unless it is accompanied by mutual love, affection, caring, and sharing, which are all part and parcel of a fulfilling and productive marriage relationship. Islam, as we know it holistically from the sources, is a balanced way of looking at things. Sexual fulfillment can never be detached or separated from an attitude of mutual respect, love, and emotional attachment, otherwise it can hardly be distinguished from the behavior of brutes. Mind you, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) warned couples against hopping into beds like birds without proper foreplay and preparation, which includes showing affection and tender care.

    Now coming to mutual obligations of spouses, it is lucidly and beautifully expressed in the following verses: (And cohabit with them on terms of utmost decency and fairness) (An-Nisa’ 4: 19); (And they (women) have rights similar to those of men in fairness) (Al-Baqarah 2: 228). In light of these, it is only reasonable to assume that a husband must set an example of fairness and compassion in dealing with his wife. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was especially known for his compassionate treatment of his family. He was extremely caring and gentle with them; he enjoyed their company, and he said that it was one of the best things that he cherished in this world. He also told the faithful that the best thing for a believer to reckon in this world was the companionship of a righteous wife. In keeping with the spirit of such teachings, it is wrong for anyone to reduce woman to the position of an object for sexual gratifications.
    HOPE IT IS HEKPFUL TO SHOW HIM HIS RIGHT AND THE WAY OF PROPHET SALAHAUALAHAIWASALA IN THE MATTER OF A WIFES RIGHTS-

    REGARDS

    • You are absolutely RIGHT>>>>>>>..

    • Thank you for the quotes from the quran and also hadith to help me with this situation. I haven't felt so much rejected in my life, as last month my husband just had sexual relations with me only 4 times. i am stressed and don't know what to do. i have talked to someone about it. my husband always is thinking about second marriage when i discuss it he says no don't want to talk on this topic. i want him to know how i feel and how left out i feel. but he doesn't care. iam broken and hurt, he is not even married yet and he is getting apart from me, what will happen when he does get married.

      he suggested that i get seperation from him so he can easily marry someone and make her his legal wife, and make me his common law partner.

      my husband is living in his own little selfish box and doesn't see how i feel we fight. and all my life is ending. i am not being given sextual rights, i am not being loved, he looks at me like he hates me.

      even if i do share these quranic verses and hadith with my husband he will not change. i have tried everything, he is not changing.

      he said to me on my face, that he doesn't want to have sex with me because i am not able to give him children. his words smacked my face. after all this i am not even willing to live with him... i am just broken. i am going to have to talk with my parents. this is the last month i am going to tolerate his behaviour. after EID my parents will know his true colors.

      I think I am going to divorce him.

      If he can't love me for what i am then he has to get out of my life. if he believes i can't give him kids then he should leave me .. i can't live in hell.

      Remember me in prayers.

      ANNA

  3. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    Yes.

    Narrated by Anas raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allāh said “Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.” “And what is that messenger?” they asked, and he replied: “Kisses and words.” (Musnad Al Firdaus- imām Daylami)

    A'isha raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allāh ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) would kiss her whilst he was fasting (m, refer to the fiqh of kissing during fast) and he would suck her tongue.” (Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 2378)

    ”On the authority of Jaabir bin Abdullah raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) and Jaabir bin Umar, both reported that the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:“All things in which there is no mention of Allāh are frivolity, absent-mindedness and idle play, except for four things: a man being playful with his wife, training his horse, walking between two purposeful goals and teaching another man to swim.” [An-Nisa'ee in al-Ishrah and at-Tabaree] [1]

    Taken from this article on MuslimMatters.org

    http://muslimmatters.org/2013/05/03/vignettes-on-female-sexuality/

    • Also, The Messenger of Allah (Sallahualayhiwasalam) said, "When a man has sex with his wife, he should strive to satisfy her. Then when he fulfills his need, he should not hurry [in withdrawing] until she fulfills her need." [Recorded by Abu Ya'la Al-Mawsili in his Musnad 4201]

      • JazakALLAH, I will talk to him once more and see what he feels. I have talked to him yesterday after reading all the posts. Inshallah I will talk to him again and he has promised to become a better loving caring man towards me in all means. I hope that he is going to be able to fulfill his promise Ameen.

        I am happy to see that women are so much cherished in our religion. May ALLAH give all men the ability to keep their wife/wives happy, and all women to keep their husband happy, ameen.

        Thank you once again!

        Anna

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